Klio

I am 8 years sober from alcohol, almost 50, and in the past year found myself addicted to someone who is not my husband. It's making me depressed, and recently turning to pills, which really scared me. The obsession built up slowly over the years, first joyful friendship, then flirting, and now I'm completely obsessed. We stopped contact, but I can't stop thinking about him. I think about him ALL. THE. TIME. We connected on every possible level and he triggered such a raw need in me. My marriage is unhappy, and I've tried everything to resuscitate it, so we're just coexisting now. Regardless, there's no future for me with either one of these men. I just need to get through this now, but it's sooooo painful. If you've ever been addicted to a person, please share what worked for you to get through this...

Dee74

Hi and welcome Klio
I'm not expert but do you think some counselling might help?

I think its important to work out how much of what you feel is connected to a need to escape your current situation?
Its like any other addiction I think - and you need to work out how much, if anything, your need for this relationship is simply trying to make the intolerable tolerable?

D

brb2020

I am currently in a similar situation, so I don't really have much advice. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I am trying to meet some new people. It is easy for me to obsess about something/someone if I don't have much else positive going on.

RAL

I have experience and for me it was need to escape an unhappy marriage. For me, that was the main issue. I was looking for an escape and someone to 'rescue' me. I learned i had to learn to make myself happy. I ended up divrocing y ex-h. Was difficult and traumatic at times as we had a 4 year old but I have never regretted it.

You are 49, you have years ahead of you. Being in an unhappy marriage is no good for anyone. I hope you find the courage to make steps to make yourself happy.

Klio

Thank you, Dee. I tried therapy. I'm putting a pin in it for now. I'm not finding it helpful to dig into the past trauma or the misery of my marriage. I know it's connected but I need practical ways to cope in the meantime. "Trying to make the intolerable tolerable" is very aptly put. Maybe there are therapists out there that have approaches that would help, but it hasn't been my experience yet.

Klio

Thank you, brb. Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I wish you relief from it. Interestingly enough, I am rather fulfilled in other areas of my life, and there's a lot of positive in it, for which I am grateful. Meeting new people is a good suggestion. I tried and will continue to try. I reached out to past and new connections. Other interactions just don't fill that deep void. I'm an introvert and seek out deeper meaningful connections, and this just hasn't happened with anyone else, not even a friend, everything continues to be on the surface level and rather superficial. Simply filling out my time and distracting doesn't help. I carry him along with me in my thoughts everywhere, no matter what I'm doing. We get each other intellectually, spiritually, and in our humor, which is a rare find. I don't idealize him. There is no future there. The need and longing is just so overwhelmingly strong.

Klio

Thank you, RAL. I'm glad things worked out for the best for you. Leaving at this time is not an option for several reasons, but I may in the future. I don't think escaping right now will make me any happier, only complicate things further. I need ways to "make the intolerable tolerable" now. I can't outrun this, I tried. I can't run away from myself and my obsessive thoughts. If I escape and seek out another romantic relationship to fill the void, I'm likely to be miserable again. I need to find a way to be at peace with just myself first. You're kind to say so, but I don't feel like I have years ahead of me, I feel like I'm rolling down the hill of life with increasing speed. Probably mid-life crisis.

RAL

I'm the same age as you. We have years ahead 😀

Sorry I wasnt suggesting you leave and find a new romantic relationship. I think you should find yourself.

Klio

🙂 I'm really trying. I do find comfort in faith, cooking, and being outdoors.

Anna

Klio, I'm glad you posted and I'm sorry for your situation. Obsessive thoughts are so hard to deal with. If you enjoy reading at all, these books are highly recommended:

"Obsessive Love" by Dr. Susan Forward
"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood

Klio

Thank you, Anna. Yes, I read a lot, that's another thing that brings me comfort. I will definitely read the books you recommended. I appreciate the suggestion.

ToughChoices

In retrospect, I was certainly addicted to my late ex-spouse. He struggled with alcoholism, and his obsession with drink was mirrored by my obsession with him. I went to a LOT of therapy, attended Al-Anon, and began utilizing this forum to help find my motivation to move past a relationship that (on some level) I KNEW was toxic for me. It was horribly painful. I thought he spoke to my soul, but he also pushed me, told me I was stupid, blamed me for his struggles, and tried to convince me to end a mutually planned pregnancy when he became frightened of the responsibility.

Is the person you are obsessed with toxic for you? What is the reason that you can/should not be with this person? I understand that you are married, so loyalty certainly has a role, but I wouldn't want to be married to someone who has to "white knuckle" life with me for years out of sheer obligation. That sounds humiliating.

Now, I can see that my obsession was very much about repeating and/or healing some of my childhood issues. I was deeply attracted to his intellect (I was always praised for my academic record), his free-thought (my family of origin was very religiously and politically conservative so this was my rebellion), and his tendency for intermittent rewards (long periods of being largely ignored in my large family made sporadic emotional/physical expressions of love more intense). To me this felt like home but better. At first.

Figuring out the ways in which my ex met my "needs" helped me identify why the connection felt so intense and judge it as healthy or unhealthy. When it became clear that it was unhealthy, I was able to take logical steps away from the person who was causing harm. I divorced and moved on with my life, but years later, I, too, began abusing prescription medication. I believe that we can use people or substances or food or sex or gambling or video games or work to fill the hole that a lack of self-love leaves. I never recognized the lack of self-love until my addiction to a person morphed into an addiction to a substance.

Intense 12 Step Work has shown me my worth and connected me with true Power. It has relieved me of my desire for escape into substance or individuals. It has dramatically changed my life and perspective. That is what worked for me (after many years of trying other options).

CoachDanielle

I agree 100% with counseling. Im 6 years in recovery now and even as a recovery specialist, i remain in therapy every 2 weeks. even if for nothing else, just talking and getting some validity can be soul-soothing.
Sending love to OP. i understand completely. i , for YEARS, was obsessed with my husband, who doesnt mind ignoring my every need for the last 16+ years. and i kept chasing and thinking and trying and thinking to the point of being in a state of constant anger/rage/etc. I dont know how, but eventually i couldnt stand the sight of him anymore and now every word he speaks to me is annoying and i yell at him. and the worst part is, i just dont care because i know he doesnt care. my therapy is helping me come to terms with my life and how i got to this point. its getting better, thank God. and i hope you find some peace in your mind soon. sending love to you OP.

Klio

Thank you, CoachDanielle. Sending love your way too. I'm so glad it's getting better for you and that the counseling is working for you. I used to be obsessed with trying to work it out with my husband, but came to accept that it's not to be. I need to get to the point of acceptance with my new obsession now.

Klio

Thank you, ToughChoices. You gave me a lot to think about. I'm so glad the intense 12 step work helped you. Did you do it on your own or through AA, meetings/sponsor? I gave AA several tries throughout the years but it didn't work for me then or now when I tried recently, desperate for any relief from this obsession.

To answer your question, the person himself is not toxic, but my obsession with him is unhealthy. He's nice, honest, smart, funny, stable, and I've never been treated so kindly by any man, all contributing reasons why the connection feels so intense and feels like meeting my "needs". But the reason that I can't be with him is quite simple - he rejected me. Very kindly, but in no uncertain terms. I was often the one initiating contact and offering myself to him, and that's humiliating. Any time I entertain any thoughts of him, I have to remind myself that he just doesn't want me as a partner, so I get a double dose of pain, both from longing and rejection.

ToughChoices

I’m active in AA, and I have a sponsor who took me through the Steps, initially. I am currently working through Herb K’s 12 Steps to a Spiritual Awakening (you can access the lessons on YouTube), and I’m undertaking that “on my own.”

What I’ve gained through my current Step-work is a freedom unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. My desire to use/drink/obsessively love someone has been relieved BECAUSE I’ve come into a relationship with myself and Power. I can recognize the void that I was trying to fill, accept it, and seek guidance for how to address it in a healthy way. I can pour the love I was desperately flinging onto others into myself in a meaningful (non-chemical) way.

Unrequited love is painful. I think it is the human condition to seek acceptance and reassurance that someone else sees us, knows us, loves us, and won’t leave. But people are imperfect. People sometimes leave. I have found that my Higher Power will never leave me, and I need never abandon myself. That’s TWO big fighters on my side, no matter what. I can depend on it.

Much love to you, my friend. This is hard.

Klio

Your posts really resonate with me, ToughChoices. Much love to you as well, and gratitude. Desperately flinging love onto others is very much about me too, and not just romantically. I do recognize the void, I am working on accepting it, and I'm doing every self-care thing I can think of - I take care of myself physically and spiritually, I do many things I enjoy, including the job I like, my days are full but not too full, I am comfortable drawing boundaries and building each day the way that works well for me. Through all of this though I continue to carry the pain in my heart, and at the times when I collapse and break down I realize that I've been white-knuckling and holding a tight lid on it. What are other healthy and meaningful ways to address the void? I honestly wish counseling and AA worked for me, maybe I need to continue looking at other options there. I will take a look at the lessons you mentioned on YouTube, thank you again.

ToughChoices

For me things that help when I feel down: meditation, rest, hobbies (cooking, poetry, travel, running, painting, music), interaction with my close friends

But, truly, (and I know that this will not apply to everyone, nor am I saying that it should), I make a daily decision to seek God's Presence.

The meditation for the day of February 6th in the 24 Hours a Day book reads:
"God finds, amid the crowd, a few people who follow Him, just to be near Him, just to dwell
in His presence. A longing in the Eternal Heart may be satisfied by these few people. I
will let God know that I seek just to dwell in His presence, to be near Him, not so much
for teaching or a message, as just for Him. It may be that the longing of the human
heart to be loved for itself is something caught from the Great Divine Heart."

Just sit with that for a minute. Wow.

I spent my very religious youth pondering why God would create us in the first place. If He/She was so powerful and perfect, why mess around with people? Why does God need love?

Well.......perhaps a more relevant question would be: Why do I need love?

And personal experience has certainly indicated that I DO. I need it like air. "It may be that the longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is something caught from the Great Divine Heart."

When I think about it like that, I see my void, as a part of God. Perhaps my desire for love stems from His/Her desire for love. My Power longs for my presence and vice versa. So, as I give love, I also receive it. As I am Present, I come into Prescence.

I know that probably sounds mystical and smoky. I know my soundtrack is probably flute and tambourines. But, it's my truth. Your mileage will vary.

Klio

😄 I really appreciate you sharing. It resonates with me too but I never thought of love and longing this way. In seeking God daily, I also find that being truly present here and now is the key.

Klio

I'm listening to Herb K. 12 Steps to Spiritual Awakening. It makes a lot of sense.