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New here and need support. Boyfriend going to recovery is leaving me

Old 01-26-2023, 04:21 AM
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New here and need support. Boyfriend going to recovery is leaving me

Iíve been with him for over 2 years. He is suggested borderline BPD from a psychiatrist so
our relationship has had a lot of turmoil. He has broken up with, and blocked me more times than I can think and always came back with episodes ranging from a day to a month, however, this time the circumstances are different.

For background he has an addiction to IV Crystal meth, fentanyl and heroin. When we first met he was 5 years clean (2022 was 7 years clean) and I knew nothing about addiction. His behaviours from manipulation, lying, pushing me away, lashing out had always made me feel he was cheating but now I know it was driven by addiction. He also had intimacy issues and watched porn so it made me more insecure.

in the summer he had a one day relapse, and got right back on recovery. He knew he had mental illness and was wanting to get better for himself and us. In December he relapsed on alcohol, took my car without permission and totalled it, then went on a drug binge for a week and stayed on the streets. Police were involved to find him and they did. He was taken to the hospital and then I brought him to detox. I didnít even know what detox was until then. He called me from detox daily, realizing all this love he had for me, that he has something to fight for now that he didnít before, all of the right things. He replaced my car, and was unable to walk because of ďstreet feetĒ so when he got out of detox he stayed with me for a week recovering. The treatment centres had longer wait times which I didnít think was good but thought it was best we stayed together. Then one day when I was at work he took a cab and left. Then just like that the same night I could tell he was using again. He went on another one week Iv drug binge and was back on the streets. He had lost two phones at this point, two wallets. He had his vehicle stolen from other people he met on the streets (he has a home, a business, this was not his life). The agony of knowing he was out there and he called once every two days. I was so hurt from before and how could he do this so easily?

he told me he would not abandon me going into treatment (heís been to treatment a couple times before) and heís so grateful I would wait for him. After he called me Friday evening from a random phone I picked him up off the streets and took him to detox. He could barely walk again and then I had to pick him up from detox and bring him to the emergency hospital. Yesterday he had surgery to remove an infection caused by the drug use and when I called to see how he was doing and told him I care about him and I want to be with him (he has always needed a lot of reassurance), I asked if he felt the same way and he said he would be lying if he told me he could commit to me, he doesnít know what he will feel for me after treatment, our relationship made him unhappy and it led him to relapse. All of these horrible things pretty much making me feel so messy and depressed like why did I do all of this just to really get disposed of again at the end of the day? Then I was upset and he said again ďdo you want me to lie? I havenít been happy and I donít know how I will feelĒ. I said how can you not know that you might not love me anymore in a couple weeks? I didnít understand. He got frustrated and hung up on me. I was going to visit him in the hospital but I canít now.

i am so broken. The same person whoís left me in the past, I put him first and went through so much trauma now. I know my shortcoming was asking him throughout these episodes if he was cheating but he never changed his behaviour and was so hard to trust. Is this all my fault? I feel like I am losing my actual mind. I have no support and have to pretend everything is ok at work and in my life, when I am deteriorating.
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Old 01-26-2023, 04:45 AM
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Hi sorry you are going through this, you need to put yourself first and don't let him keep worming his way back in, there is nothing you can do to keep him clean, he needs to want that himself and by knowing that he can keep running back to you that is exactly what will continue to happen, put your foot down and say no, look after your own well being, there is a family and friends forum here that will support you, wishing you well
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Old 01-26-2023, 05:31 AM
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Sorry for what brings you here. He needs to straighten his addiction issues out if you are going to have any chance at a happy positive relationship together. If he can't, or won't, I think you know how that scenario is going to play out.
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Old 01-26-2023, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Mummyto2 View Post
Hi sorry you are going through this, you need to put yourself first and don't let him keep worming his way back in, there is nothing you can do to keep him clean, he needs to want that himself and by knowing that he can keep running back to you that is exactly what will continue to happen, put your foot down and say no, look after your own well being, there is a family and friends forum here that will support you, wishing you well

thanks for this. He is saying/was saying he will get clean and stay clean. I have allowed him to come back through all those episodes even when he was not using. I am really not doing ok. After him stealing and crashing my car I thought Iíd be able to put myself first, but I put so much into getting him off the streets and realizing that at the end of the day his commitment to me meant so much, that I chose to stay. And now he has disposed of me like I mean nothing.
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Old 01-26-2023, 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
Sorry for what brings you here. He needs to straighten his addiction issues out if you are going to have any chance at a happy positive relationship together. If he can't, or won't, I think you know how that scenario is going to play out.
i donít understand why him getting healthy would make him not want to be with me or love me anymore? Why would he promise me a week ago even when he was still using he would never abandon me and doesnít need to end the relationship to go to recovery, and now suddenly after his surgery he doesnít know how he will feel about me? Itís like I know heís done this before, but the circumstances are so different. I do want him to get healthier, and him being clean before I think he can. I do not know why he doesnít want to be with me at all anymore. those words hurt me. Like I did all of this to just be thrown out at the end of the day again/ I donít know how to react or feel.
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Old 01-26-2023, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Tombplant View Post
i donít understand why him getting healthy would make him not want to be with me or love me anymore? Why would he promise me a week ago even when he was still using he would never abandon me and doesnít need to end the relationship to go to recovery, and now suddenly after his surgery he doesnít know how he will feel about me? Itís like I know heís done this before, but the circumstances are so different. I do want him to get healthier, and him being clean before I think he can. I do not know why he doesnít want to be with me at all anymore. those words hurt me. Like I did all of this to just be thrown out at the end of the day again/ I donít know how to react or feel.
Of course we can't possibly know his reasons, but for most alcoholics and addicts shame is a huge part of our internal dialog and since he has done a lot of things to you that he should rightfully feel badly about, he may just be trying to avoid dealing with it. It's painful for him and without his substances he has no emotional defense. He can't, "check out," from his feelings.

Add to that the fact that recovering from substance abuse is all-encompassing and it's going to take a very long time and all of his focus and energy. He would be trying to save his own life and any triggers/reminders of his past may be too much for him.

I've gone through several difficult breakups in my life, rarely are all the questions answered. In hindsight all of the breakups were necessary and with some of them I dodged a huge bullet.

You'll feel better in time. The sooner you get to Acceptance the better, but it's going to hurt for a while. I'm sorry for that.
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Old 01-26-2023, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Tombplant View Post
thanks for this. He is saying/was saying he will get clean and stay clean. I have allowed him to come back through all those episodes even when he was not using. I am really not doing ok. After him stealing and crashing my car I thought Iíd be able to put myself first, but I put so much into getting him off the streets and realizing that at the end of the day his commitment to me meant so much, that I chose to stay. And now he has disposed of me like I mean nothing.
Put it down to one of lifes unfortunate mistakes and move on with your life, if he can treat you like that whether he has problems or not he ain't worth you putting your life on hold, when someone shows you what they are really like believe them.
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Old 01-26-2023, 09:40 AM
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Welcome. You may never know the reasons your boyfriend is leaving you and that's okay. You can make the choice to move on with your life and to focus on yourself. You've dealt with a lot of pain in this relationship so use this time to be good to yourself and to move forward.
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Old 01-26-2023, 10:06 AM
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Welcome, Tombplant. I hope being here to talk things over will help. I'm sorry for the painful time you're going through.
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Old 01-26-2023, 10:13 AM
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Welcome.

As stated everyone in early sobriety can say things they don't mean because the mind and body is going through extremes. Also people can say things they don't mean when they're drinking and using other drugs. Early days the people still has the alcoholic and user brain and thoughts.

The only thing that will straighten out confusion so both of you can move on is time. Things can could work out, things may change. Sometimes relationships are so damaged that it's best to move on

​​​​​​
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Old 01-26-2023, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Tombplant View Post
I put him first and went through so much trauma now
I think a good question would be, why did you put him first? You didn't even know what detox was, but you were involved with a meth addict that used many drugs including alcohol, to the point where he was on the streets. If you are putting him first and he is putting himself and his drugs first, who is looking out for you?

You can't save him from this. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

He didn't throw you away, he is choosing drugs. It's not personal. It's not a good idea to expect logical, emotional, reactions from an addict.

There is sobriety (putting down the drug of choice) and there is recovery, two very different things. Right now he is barely in sobriety and since you talked to him may not even be.

I would recommend you visit our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum (post there too if you like) and read around, there will be a lot there that you can probably relate to. You may also want to learn all you can about addiction (for you, not for him).

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

There is also a book that is the most recommended for Friends and Family - Codependent no More, by Melody Beattie. It has a lot of information about boundaries in relationships that you might find useful going forward. Also, you may want to attend Al Anon or Naranon for extra support.


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Old 01-26-2023, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I think a good question would be, why did you put him first? You didn't even know what detox was, but you were involved with a meth addict that used many drugs including alcohol, to the point where he was on the streets. If you are putting him first and he is putting himself and his drugs first, who is looking out for you?

You can't save him from this. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

He didn't throw you away, he is choosing drugs. It's not personal. It's not a good idea to expect logical, emotional, reactions from an addict.

There is sobriety (putting down the drug of choice) and there is recovery, two very different things. Right now he is barely in sobriety and since you talked to him may not even be.

I would recommend you visit our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum (post there too if you like) and read around, there will be a lot there that you can probably relate to. You may also want to learn all you can about addiction (for you, not for him).

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

There is also a book that is the most recommended for Friends and Family - Codependent no More, by Melody Beattie. It has a lot of information about boundaries in relationships that you might find useful going forward. Also, you may want to attend Al Anon or Naranon for extra support.
thank you for this. Do you mean that he is still not sober yesterday when he said he canít commit and all of that to me suddenly? He went to detox again Saturday, and has been in the hospital since Sunday evening now (off the drugs). I am hurting, incredibly hard. I just want to go to the hospital and visit him like I planned, but after that exchange I would feel so pathetic and stupid to.

Thank you for the book suggestion.
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Old 01-26-2023, 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Tombplant View Post
thank you for this. Do you mean that he is still not sober yesterday when he said he canít commit and all of that to me suddenly? He went to detox again Saturday, and has been in the hospital since Sunday evening now (off the drugs). I am hurting, incredibly hard. I just want to go to the hospital and visit him like I planned, but after that exchange I would feel so pathetic and stupid to.

Thank you for the book suggestion.
May i suggest something you don't sound middle aged you sound like your in your 20s like my daughter, whilst he is working on himself, you go and work on you whether it be self esteem issues or self worth/self love confidence in yourself because you are worth so much more than this
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Old 01-26-2023, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Tombplant View Post
thank you for this. Do you mean that he is still not sober yesterday when he said he canít commit and all of that to me suddenly? He went to detox again Saturday, and has been in the hospital since Sunday evening now (off the drugs). I am hurting, incredibly hard. I just want to go to the hospital and visit him like I planned, but after that exchange I would feel so pathetic and stupid to.

Thank you for the book suggestion.
Sobriety, aside from putting down the drugs, is about healing. Drugs affect the brain, including alcohol. His body needs to adjust to having no drugs, this can take a lot of time, even up to a year is a good guesstimate.

But please don't let that be an excuse for his behaviour. You have given way too much, again, who is looking out for your wellbeing?

I feel like I am losing my actual mind
The person you have been around is hugely dysfunctional, as is your relationship. This does affect you a great deal, feeling "crazy" is pretty common. "Normal" relationships aren't like that.

You will understand this more as you read the stories from other friends and family members.

You have been his support, his whipping post, his caregiver, his friend, the person that props him up. It doesn't help, in fact it might be doing more harm than good. Propping him up so he can continue to use is enabling his addiction. He needs professional help.

Him using or not using has nothing to do with you.

I strongly suggest that you don't contact him or go see him. This hurts I know. It will take time, maybe even a few weeks, for you to start to see how bad all of this is for you, but you will see it eventually. Time away from him will help with the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

He said he wants nothing to do with you but you want to go visit him. Ask yourself why. Why do you let him continue to hurt you. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You may also want to google intermittent reward in relationships, you can probably identify with some of that as well.




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Old 01-26-2023, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Mummyto2 View Post
May i suggest something you don't sound middle aged you sound like your in your 20s like my daughter, whilst he is working on himself, you go and work on you whether it be self esteem issues or self worth/self love confidence in yourself because you are worth so much more than this
I am 27 and he is 31. The entire time I was out trying to find him on the streets, having police look for him, being there for him even after my vehicle was crashed, he told me he would not just abandon me and was grateful for me, to suddenly he doesnít know how he will feel. It made it worth it more for me and now I am shattered. He didnít use for our relationship. He had one night relapse in the summer, and then the one week in December, one week detox, then just over a week again, then detox. So I donít understand at all. He was using this kratom often which I read is similar to opioids. He said that drove him to relapse before, but now he blames it on me.
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Old 01-26-2023, 01:44 PM
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Can i just say us addicts are the biggest liars going whilst using or wanting to use, do yourself a huge favour so when your my age you will look back and think thank god, walk away from him with your head held high knowing you tried and he chose addiction, do not cry or think anything apart from you have had a lucky escape
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Old 01-26-2023, 01:44 PM
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As you learn about addiction you will find that what he is saying to you is addiction 101:

I'd be OK if it weren't for you

The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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Old 01-26-2023, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Mummyto2 View Post
Can i just say us addicts are the biggest liars going whilst using or wanting to use, do yourself a huge favour so when your my age you will look back and think thank god, walk away from him with your head held high knowing you tried and he chose addiction, do not cry or think anything apart from you have had a lucky escape
meaning the good and the bad things are all lies? I truly believed him of how he felt for me. I truly, truly believed him. Heís broken up with me and blocked me before, but this one is different. I have felt low before, but not low like this.
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Old 01-26-2023, 01:57 PM
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The thing with addiction is it takes over everything, physical, mentally, no person will come before the addicts fix whilst their using, it is not you so don't waste your time worrying or feeling low, think to yourself will this even matter in a years time NO as long as you look after yourself
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Old 01-26-2023, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Mummyto2 View Post
The thing with addiction is it takes over everything, physical, mentally, no person will come before the addicts fix whilst their using, it is not you so don't waste your time worrying or feeling low, think to yourself will this even matter in a years time NO as long as you look after yourself
i feel like it will matter in a year because of how unwell and hurt I am feeling deep inside. This is over 2 years spent with someone and for him to say he isnít sure about me when he gets healthy when he is not using right now. The things he said to me while using it was easier to overlook. He is in the hospital right now because the Iv drugs he was injecting gave him an infection he needed to get surgically removed. So it isnít like he is using right now? I am feeling so blindsided
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