sober2023

I am 40 and have been drinking heavily since 25. In the last few years I've really tried to stop and can't seem to whatever I try. This includes everything from 'light' attempts such as tracking apps, blogging/diaries, to more serious attempts such as throwing out all alcohol, local support, groups and AA meetings.

The problem is, I am not so much an addict as much as a lifestyle drinker. This is something I picked up partying in my early 20s then built into my life for fun. When things became more serious later on, it was the only thing to turn to. I was often so screwed that there wasn't even anything to do and fell into drinking because of the instant gratification.

This year I have managed to make some breaks. I have a good paying job lined up and a chance to study a degree. These are NOT things I've had a chance at before whether as a drunk or sober. So it means time to stop being a drunk and taking much better care of myself.

But the drinking has always taken priority. Day after day of binging just to fill the boredom after years is not going to be an easy change. I always told myself I could stop whenever I wanted, and that isn't a reasonable expectation. Drinking is so ingrained into my life that there is no quick fix. I can't imagine life sober.

Then again I don't identify with addicts. This is because I am able to relatively manage my binges. Sometimes I will stop halfway through out of boredom. And identifying as an addict where people wag their fingers at you did not make any difference either.

I think the key word here is choice. If quitting was a simple choice, then I'd choose to be clean. But it isn't a simple choice, because I've had so little choice and therefore not much experience of handling it. Maybe that is the problem here. Does anyone else understand what I mean.

Bobbieka

Kind of. When I quit, it took an addiction counselor, medication, AA, this site, blogging, seriously, everything for me to quit drinking. Also, I completely had to change my lifestyle. I no longer have the friends I had when I was drinking, I don't do the things I did. And I have more fun and am better than I was then. The long term health issues that come with drinking so much for so long should be a consideration. You deserve to be sober.

I relapsed after 4 years. All this proved to me was that being sober is so much better. You can do this.

nez

I understand what you are saying as I have said many of the same things when I was drinking...but that doesn't mean the sober me agrees with it.

This was me, but I chose the lifestyle and chose not to change it, until I did choose to change it. And that was only because the pain of staying the same, exceeded the pain of changing it.

I didn't reach the stage of my final drinking days quickly. It took years to reach that point. Why would I dream that any "fix" would be quick?

This was definitely me. At the end, I couldn't imagine life endlessly drunk either. I was at the jumping off place. I couldn't imagine life with alcohol and I couldn't imagine life without it. I keep my choice simple and chose life. And having done that, I jumped into a lifeboat. That lifeboat was sobriety and the boat was filled with many other people with the same hopes and dreams. I ain't gonna lie, the journey has been arduous at time but it has been worth every oar stroke and my gratitude increases everyday, even some 20 years later.

At one point, I was seeming willing to give up everything in order to keep one thing. When I finally let go of one thing, I got everything!

sober2023

I don't feel pain or suffering as a motivator like many who had to give up alcohol felt. It's been an easy life to be a drunk. And there hasn't been much else going for me until now. It's not like I've lost jobs, relationships, opportunities etc. it would be relatively painless to continue drinking.

Giving up alcohol at this stage wouldn't give me much back. Some health maybe, but how else do you get through isolation and lack of opportunity. I got sick of life being so choiceless and mundane. But this is not much of a life either. I cannot remember being sober or planning my life around drinking, partially because there's been so little else to plan it around for.

Dee74

Hi and welcome

I was a musician so I was a 'lifestyle drinker' too.

Thing is, I couldn't give up either...and I lost my musical career over it.
You might think that was a wake up call but things got worse after...by the time I finally quit I was drinking round the clock.

My lifestyle nearly killed me.

I know that seems melodramatic.
I would have found it melodramatic too - I was never going to end up like that...

something bought you here. Listen to it.

Thinking of what it might be like being sober and actually being sober are, in my experience, two very disparate things.

I never heard anyone say they wish they'd kept drinking longer.

D

DriGuy

Thirty years ago, I could have written that opening introduction. There's so much that resonates.

Quitting drinking is not easy, not for any of us. I can relate to this.

I started as a party drinker when I turned 21, and gradually quit partying as I took my drinking more seriously to quiet bars and at home, where I could relax and think. I drank because I liked the lifestyle, knowing I could quit if I had to. And then one day, I couldn't quit. Well of course, I did quit because as you point out. Drinking/not drinking was my choice. But Good Lord, I don't want to ever have to go through that again.

Actually, it all comes down to choice. The solution is that simple. When you say it isn't simple, what you mean is that it's not easy; It's hard. The solution is a simple one, at least on paper; You quit if you are in over your head or had enough.

But here's the thing. Whether it's an addiction or a lifestyle, the solution is the same. You quit and after a few months the cycle is broken. It also requires some soul searching and lifestyle change, lest you reach for the bottle just to "take the edge off," and start all over again. The early days of quitting are not easy, even if it's only a lifestyle. Because lifestyle change is as difficult or maybe even more difficult than quitting. That's why most programs advocate changing your life even more than simply putting the plug in the jug.

nez

This.

sober2023

Thanks D, you have a lot of insight into this horrible problem I can tell...

This is the first time I have had anything much to lose. Up until now there has not been anything to motivate me. No one to love, no identity in the workplace or way to achieve much.. how would anyone stay sober.

It is not just that. I don't feel much pleasure in anything apart from drinking. And even if I do, it compels me to drink to celebrate. But I have to be honest with myself, the only reason that the drinking could stop was if there was a legitimate reason that it would seriously threaten me in some way. Sometimes I wish I had that.

joe801

Welcome.

I believe the choice to stop is easy, actually following through and quitting is very difficult. The first few weeks is both physical and mental that narrows into only the mental aspect that must be put into permanent restraint.

Quitting any addiction takes discipline, motivation, and true changes in lifestyle choices to lead into full recovery.

Dee74

I think after drinking for so long we start to think that existence is 'normal'.
'Life is boring in those moments when I don't drink'...'I have no dreams ambitions or joy'....'I would have nothing if I quit drinking'...

I know I never stopped to think that the daily chemical warfare we wage on our brain might leave its mark.
I was so deep in the hole, the hole, the darkness, the cynicism and apathy... was just 'normality'....even comfortable in ways.

Its a real leap of faith to quit - even if you have a page full of health, career or relationship reasons.
You'll think 'what if not drinking is worse'....

It's not fun to quit and it will be arduous for a while. You'll think 'what's the point'

But...I reconnected with a life I'd forgotten about, and with a me before drinking took hold.
I totally forgot that life and that me.

I got my ambition, motivation, and most importantly... my joy back

D

sober2023

It's not even just to take the edge off. The comfort has been more within having a routine, something solid to hold on to. The alternative is sitting in my apartment staring at the lack of options and activities available. I have been **** poor broke and bored out of my skull. It isn't like I'm about to lose a wife and high flying career. At the same time the habit and routine of drinking is very strong and embedded. I have things to sort out over the next 3 weeks which will be life changing and that could all be threatened if I keep jumping into the bottle just to get away from everything. This is my responsibility to do and I doubt you can just stop drinking after 15 years of binging

Dee74

Not everything costs money...and you'll be a lot better off financially if you're not drinking anyway...
​​​​​​​
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ething-do.html (Looking For Something To Do?)

I threw myself into volunteering in my local community - I know thats not for everyone, but it gave me something to do and a sense of purpose, y'know?

D

Zencat

I've know drinking to be anti motivational causing people to live a mundane uneventful life because of drinking. it's easy to accept being uninspired when drink will provide all of one's motivation.

Anybody can stop drinking, it's the staying stopped part that can fowl people up.

nez

The title of your thread is "Need to quit". What are tthe reasons you need to quit?

When I was drinking, I was tired of how life was so choiceless and mundane. It kept slapping me in the face with a feeling of isolation and a lack of opportunities. I didn’t take pleasure in anything other than drinking. I was so sick at my lack of options and available activities, that as a consequence, I drank due to being bored out of my skull and I needed relief. Alcohol seemed to be the only thing that worked…until it didn’t!

I needed to quit and couldn’t seem to find a way to…until I did!

I had no clue what sobriety could be like, because I hadn’t been. It took a while being sober before I began to realize all that I had been missing out on. The only way I was ever going to know, was by being sober. Before that I had nothing to base my judgements on.

DriGuy

When I realized I needed to quit, I started seeing counselors, three of them over a short time. The first one asked me what seemed like a relevant question, "Why to you drink?" I answered, "Because I get bored," which was in a very small part true, although I believed it to be entirely true at the time. When I quit drinking I had a very counter-intuitive experience. My boredom went away. It was gradual, because it's not like you quit and everything changes. Even if you put the bottle away for good, there is still a period of struggle, where you are in the process of quitting. I didn't even notice my boredom going away until one day when I realized that I hadn't been bored for a month. What I learned was that drinking every day, day after day, is the epitome of leading a boring life. Earlier, I had just gotten my cause and effect reversed. I was really bored because all I did was drink. I didn't drink because I was bored. Even moreso, I was drinking because I was addicted, which in your case would be called a habit. An addiction can be nothing more than a bad habit with a physical component. Tomato/Tamotto. The cure is the same.

calmself

Welcome to SR! Your user name suggests that you want to quit and stay sober. But there's heavy AV flags in your post, some encouraging you to keep drinking. Irrespective of what stage of life you are in, there is a big, happy sober world out there. Suggest to give yourself a chance for say 6 months and see how you feel. All the best!

Mummyto2

Hi, addict, lifestyle drinker etc label it anything but if alcohol is affecting you then it's a problem, it sounds to me that you are looking for acceptance to continue drinking (sorry) but that is how it is coming across to me, i wasn't motivated to do anything apart from drink either but once your mind is clear of the poison then there is lots of enjoyable things to do ie exercise, take a class in something etc etc only you can find the motivation to stop, it starts with the individual best wishes

FiveTries

Hi Sober2023,

I relate to so much of your post. I definitely have other life circumstances, I'm married with kids and a career... but drinking wise we sound pretty similar. I started in my mid-teens and I'll be 45 this year. I have had some mild to medium health symptoms and a few very negative social problems due to my drinking over the years. Like you though it was my lifestyle, I still enjoyed drinking, and it wasn't causing big enough problems to quit entirely. At least depending on when you asked me.

I decided to quit for good starting in 2023. I've had many attempts but there were always pieces missing that I needed. Did I have the honest desire? Was I taking a break or done for life? There are a lot of what feels like mind games associated with all of this. I ended up going back to drinking repeatedly, changing my mind. Those experiences taught me that my relationship with alcohol is not going to change.

I can tell you that my current experience is much easier knowing that the door is closed on alcohol for good. I'm not bored. I actually see that sitting there binging is truly boring. Now I get to find healthy ways to use my time and shape what I want my life to be. I couldn't really do that while drinking, my existence just wasn't authentic.

I always figured that I could quit whenever I wanted, and to some degree I've done that. It would have been cool if it happened earlier so I could've enjoyed more sober time but it takes what it takes. I hope you stick around here and I wish you the best no matter what you decide.

kes2

Hi,

the only thing that worked for me was an inpatient detox. It saved my life. I couldn't get through the withdrawal on my own as it was far too dangerous and also a living hell. The meds they gave me in detox helped me withdraw relatively peacefully. I honestly can't emphasise a detox programme strong enough. You get a head start on the grog and stand so much more of a chance of making it. Most alcoholics don't get through the first few days when trying to kick on their own.

Please go for it or at least look into it!

sober2023

Thanks all. Some very important points people made that I spent the day thinking about (a sober day)

I could just lie and say it's to save money, improve my health etc. the real reason is that it's time to take responsibility for myself. Up to now there haven't been many incentives. That doesn't mean to say my choices have been reasonable though. It has been a mindless activity that has given some cheap relief when in truth there was never any need to take that road. Taking responsibility is hard and not taking it is easier. And not taking it now could be very upsetting for my larger goals which have only recently in the last 6 months begin to come within reach.

I've had the occasional spell of sobriety here and there and the boredom was mindnumbing, but that was probably because I didn't give it a strong enough chance and ENGAGE in sobriety. Just stopping wasn't enough, I had to take control of my environment and DO something with it, sober. It sounds strange but that didn't make sense to me before. It is easy to forget what being sober is like, as if you were born a drunk and had been drinking. Which is obviously absurd but that is what it feels like.

Last week I managed 5 days (five !) without drinking. Thinking "yeah yeah I have this under control". NO that is not the case because all I did was sleep and eat, and move around sometimes. I did not seriously engage in living, that's the difference.

Yes you see I've been through this before somewhat, there's no point being preachy or attempting psychology. You can say to a drunk, just take up a class, read a book, etc. As a drunk I have done courses with a full time job and an active exercise plan. Guess what? That did not stop the binging.

This is another reason, binging is incredibly tedious isn't it. And you don't have much control over your life as a drunk either. Looking back it seems pretty pathetic to me. Like why have I let this consume me to this point.

Fortunately I've never suffered withdrawal symptoms and detox clinics here are mucho expensive however that sounds like a very scary time. Glad you got through. You are right it is very hard to get through the first few days on your own. Let alone a lifetime