MeganK888

Hello everybody, *brand new* member here; this is my first post! I am happy to have found this community as I wasn't sure where else to turn for the kind of support I need. I've been clean for 3 years and while I'm very happy overall, I've noticed some changes that are making it hard for me to adjust and are probably hard to understand for somebody not in recovery. I started using at the age of 15 and quit at the age of 39. So basically all of my adult life I've been high, and I realize now that I don't know how to relate to people without drugs. I've always used it as a crutch to meet people, start conversations, and bind relationships. And my personality is different too; I find that I'm more irritable, less patient, and less forgiving without the drugs, and I don't like that. I have no desire to use again, but I do want to build relationships and I'm finding that hard, since I've never really done it sober. I never liked AA or 12 step programs; I find the higher power thing bogus and I don't want to talk about drugs anyway. I've remade my life on the outside, but I'm finding it hard to fit in with people who have been sober all their lives because I don't have the social skills of other people in my age group. I never learned them because I was always high! Anybody else struggle with this? I've been searching for a source of support and understanding without all the drug talk.

Anna

Hi and Welcome, Congratulations on your recovery.

It can be hard to make social connections after many years of drug/alcohol use. When I was drinking, I lost interest in activities that I'd pursued and I lost many social connections, too. But, slowly I was able to get back to hobbies I'd enjoyed and to spend time with people I liked. The main thing that helped me was getting involved in volunteer work in my community. My intention was to, hopefully, give back to my community, and in doing so, I met many wonderful people. What kind of things are you interested in? It's often convenient to suggest going to coffee with someone. This is something that worked for me, and then, I listened. I had to learn how to do that. And, of course, you will always find support here.

Cityboy

Megan, good job on cleaning yourself up. I think we all struggle with something similar to what you are describing. I certainly do. We all had the same issues before, but we just dealt with it by using whatever drug or alcohol. Now the drug/alcohol is out of the equation, but the original issues and anxieties are still there. Something I've done is to just start reading online and watching youtube videos about specific things like communication and why I take things so personally. Seeing a therapist has helped me understand some things. Now, I may not have the skillset I would like to have in many areas, but I often feel more aware of what's going on than most of the people around me.

Hope this helps.

Hevyn

Hi Megan - I'm so glad you found us . This is a great place to talk things over with those who really understand. No one in my life could relate to what I was going through.

I know exactly what you mean. We've stunted our emotional growth. I was always shy & self-conscious - I thought drinking was the answer for me, but it certainly backfired. I'm much older than you, but I spent most of my adult life under the influence during social events & therefore never learned to interact in a normal way. I remember feeling very disoriented when I first quit. I've been sober nearly 15 yrs. & things have improved gradually. I can't say that I did anything specific to make it happen. I like Anna & Cityboy's suggestions.

We are glad you're here. Congrats on your 3 yrs. of sobriety.

fishkiller

Welcome Megan!

I feel the same way. Almost 3 years sober myself and I feel different than others so strong connections are difficult.
I wish I had an answer for you but I like the suggestions city and Anna made.

brighterday1234

Thanks for the post. My advice would be to delve into the spiritual side of recovery. This doesn’t have to have anything to do with religion at all but I have found that living and thinking in a more spiritual way naturally helped me interact with people better. Just my experience 🙏

Tailai

An overall goal for me when I stopped drinking was to get back to who I was. I also started at 15 and when I thought about what the hell happened to me after all those years of getting high every day and then drinking every day was that I really missed that positive energy of enjoying just fooling around and laughing, playing sports, being around friends and family. What worked for me was to get back into a tennis league where I met a whole bunch of people. For Anna it was volunteering. What could work for you?

dustyfox

Yes, and I agree with much of what people have already said - it is strange and hard to work out who 'you' are when sober - like you said - when we have been high for years, decades even, landing with a bump in real life is a bit of shock -
but there is no other way than to carefully explore and work out how to enjoy/deal/ understand it - reading here has helped -

Lily76

Do you know if there is a sober community in your area like a café or activities for those who are sober and clean, maybe look up some recovery Facebook groups as i find it helpful to connect to people there and then see if there are others in your area there i am starting to go to a café next week and maybe even do yoga there
are you in the UK or USA ?

hundal

Developing a social network may be challenging. But gradually I was able to return to my previous interests and to the people I liked. I want to give back to my community, and in the process, I met a lot of lovely individuals. going out for coffee with friends. I found that this was effective for me.

novips

Please keep an open mind about the fact that how you want things to work and how they actually work aren't necessarily the same thing. Specifically, while you've concluded that A.A. won't work for you, it appears that what's actually not working for you is whatever you're trying instead (at least in terms of giving you the life you're hoping for). Obviously, this doesn't necessarily mean that A.A. is your only solution. But it could be. And that could be true whether you like that idea or not. The belief that so many people apparently hold, which tells us that we should have access to a buffet line of solutions to choose from -- allowing us to avoid having to deal with anything we don't like, is likely quite unrealistic. I encourage you to keep an open mind about A.A. being a better solution for you than your experience so far suggests.

ToughChoices

Helpful and well-put. Thanks, novips. This is a note to myself:
It is important to remember that solutions exist, though they may not be what I "had in mind." If the problem is great enough (and for me, the problem is GREAT), then I will be willing to go to any lengths for the solution.

Welcome to the forum, Megan! I can understand hesitation about 12 step programs, but my personal experience with AA and NA have been VERY positive. We do not discuss drugs or alcohol with any type of "nostalgia" or fondness. In fact, very little is mentioned regarding use. We DO talk a lot about our screwy thought processes, personal responsibilities, incorrect ideas, and growth.

We talk about recovery with others who are recovering. For me, it is powerful and restorative, and it links me into a community centered around mental health and service to others.

My friends, family, spouse, co-workers, etc.... do not understand me in the same way that my fellow addicts understand. And that's cool! They don't need to. AA fills that need for me. It is excellent social interaction with little judgement and lots of empathy. It may be worth a shot????

Good luck and congrats on 3 years of growth! Way to go!
-TC

Zencat

to SR Megan. Strike up a friendship with some SR members you can relate to. Having peer support is crucial to my sobriety and also my emotional maturity.

Have you tried Meetup.com? Have a look, it is a site dedicated to connecting people of the same interest.

gleefan

Welcome! I’m 8 years sober and wanted to say I can relate to your struggle. Finding different ways to engage with people after recovery didn’t happen overnight for me.

I would say, you can meet people in the spaces where you are doing tings you enjoy. Whether it’s the gym, playing a sport you love, enrolling in an art class, hiking/out in nature, reading at a cafe, volunteering, political campaign, joining a chorus,… Sign up and go several times. It will take probably several visits to make connections.

There is a lot of good advice in these responses. Focus on what you enjoy, protect your sobriety, and don’t do anything that will trigger you.

Gcesp

You are the carbon copy of Eric Clapton who said the same thing and sobered up because he found himself at the age of 40 surrounded by teenagers and early 20 somethings getting high and felt he was the oldest in his crowd and most immature 40 year old he could think of and it was because he was high all his adult life which stunted his growth. That's your problem.

I just quit alcohol one day a few years ago and it was like magic. I visit this forum sometimes just as a reminder because I still can't believe how easy it was and how I was able to go on with a really nice life but for me was was totally easy, capital E, capital Z like pushing a button and never looked back. It was as easy as people quit smoking, they just stop and don't go back. I didn't need counseling or 12 step as I feel amazing and life is wonderful. I have now seen and learned that many alcoholics who have great lives underneath can quit that way going to their strengths especially if they don't have any major mental or emotional issues that require treatment. For the rest of alcoholics/addicts that can't just wake up one day and quit and feel awesome then 12 step is a pretty straightforward template to the self discovery and betterment you need to find serenity. Otherwise you're just white knuckling the dry drunk process. Look up both those terms that's what you're doing and that is why you're feeling like you're alienated and are failing to grow.

Please note that even "having a good life" to fall on is a lot of work. We are told this lie in school that when we grow up if we work hard, get a good job, marry the right person then everything will be OK and we can kick back, relax and enjoy it. NOTHING IS FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!!! I feel like I don't have to work at all on my sobriety and serenity, but my job, family health, exercise, business, finances, real estate, hobbies, community and friendships require a LOT of effort to keep going but am happy to put in the resources because it's what makes my life so wonderful and worth living. So in a way this is like the plan B. You absolutely NEED to be working on a good life and if you can't or it isn't working you need outside help, hence 12 step such an easy template but I get it you don't like talking about drugs/alcohol because in the end being an addict has very little to do with drugs for which the intoxication is a symptom of something far deeper that need to be addressed.

Please note "a higher power" is real and it works even if you are an atheist because it has nothing to do with religion or deity; what is means is YOU cannot recover alone as you're discovering and need outside help. If you did you wouldn't feel that way. The higher power really is a social support system OUTSIDE of you that keeps you stimulated, mentally safe, sane and eventually finding serenity. So this can be a variety of things but the easiest one of these outside support systems is 12 step and your sponsor. Beyond that it's your family, friends, job, coworkers, maybe church if you're religious but like I said you can be atheist, medications you take for mental health problems you likely have, psychologist/therapist, doctor, personal trainer, gym, community, museum or interest groups you belong to really anything outside of you that isn't you that helps buttress up your sanity. Recovery is a process where you A) establish such a support system and B) learn how to use it. Until you perform these steps you will be condemned to remaining an eternally miserable mental 15 year old that is unhappy because you haven't figured out how to live.

Like I said, look up "dry drunk" or "white knuckling". Consider seeing a counselor to figure your priorities. Also join clubs or groups and get involved, fitness and working for a cause greater than yourself are great starts.