Familiar
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 19
Familiar
I woke up this morning with a familiar feeling of despair and that particular sweet/sour taste of stale wine in my mouth. My thoughts crashed into one another until I was unable to sit with them any longer. It's a sunny morning, but I'm in a total fog. Day 1. At least that's what I want, but I've lost confidence, lost the ability to believe and trust what I say.
Sober off and on for years. Have had long stretches - seems like four years is my max because I inevitably go back to drinking after that length of time over and over. A good stretch from 2010-2014, with the help of an online forum (any former WQD folks here?) and AA meetings. Went back to drinking in 2015. Found my way back in 2017 (again online and meetings) and relapsed in 2020. Have been drinking (and hiding) since then. Hit some sort of wall last night and found myself internally yelling at the universe to help me and at some point, the universe reminded me that I know what to do: Reach out. Be honest. Find help. It's out there.
So here I am. Not a particularly elegant introduction. My head is a mess. Can barely put sentences together. I'm totally scared. Ashamed. And so glad you are all here.
Sober off and on for years. Have had long stretches - seems like four years is my max because I inevitably go back to drinking after that length of time over and over. A good stretch from 2010-2014, with the help of an online forum (any former WQD folks here?) and AA meetings. Went back to drinking in 2015. Found my way back in 2017 (again online and meetings) and relapsed in 2020. Have been drinking (and hiding) since then. Hit some sort of wall last night and found myself internally yelling at the universe to help me and at some point, the universe reminded me that I know what to do: Reach out. Be honest. Find help. It's out there.
So here I am. Not a particularly elegant introduction. My head is a mess. Can barely put sentences together. I'm totally scared. Ashamed. And so glad you are all here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 3,514
Welcome to SoberRecovery Lanterns. As Purplrks posted, the thing to do is don't give up. I'm still trying to make it stick (my longest stretch of sobriety is 6 months) but you have the benefit of prolonged periods of sobriety behind you. Do what you need to do to make it stick and keep posting at SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 19
Thank you for the welcome, Purplrks and Robbie. I remember the early days and how others reminded me to take proper care of myself. You move so far from that mindset when actively drinking. I am once again forced to acknowledge the strange construction/destruction cycles of not drinking and relapsing. Every time I go back to drinking, things grind down and I'm back in this place. Every time.
I'll be reading and staying close.
I'll be reading and staying close.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Folks that have found success in their own recovery life
used a support system to carry them for as long as it takes
until they are strong enough to walk the road of recovery
by themselves.
Knowing that no one has to travel this road alone or by
ourselves is comforting. Knowing that help is available
to guide us, to help us figure out how to manage life on
life's terms is also comforting.
To be successful in anything, we have to learn. To
become and remain teachable. To be willing to learn,
accepting and honest with ourselves and others.
To strive to become the best persons we can be here
on out. To write a new chapter in our lives, adding to
what we have already experienced. Achieving what we
want in ouselves and in life.
The idea of ever drinking alcohol, a substance that has
done nothing good for us, that has cause us so much
trouble, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, you
name it, we've been there done that, has to be squashed.
No ands, ifs or buts about it. Alcohol is gone. Over. Period.
We can pout, throw a tantrum, be in denial, anything you
want, alcohol or any kind of poisonous, controlling substance
is gone. Out of reach, out of sight, and out of mind.
Recovery life won't be easy at first, but in time, it will become
a way of life that is filled with amazing rewards and gifts that
we as alcoholics could never find at the bottom of a bottle.
Welcome to SR. One of many avenues and support systems
to help you achieve a healthier, happier, sober way of life.
used a support system to carry them for as long as it takes
until they are strong enough to walk the road of recovery
by themselves.
Knowing that no one has to travel this road alone or by
ourselves is comforting. Knowing that help is available
to guide us, to help us figure out how to manage life on
life's terms is also comforting.
To be successful in anything, we have to learn. To
become and remain teachable. To be willing to learn,
accepting and honest with ourselves and others.
To strive to become the best persons we can be here
on out. To write a new chapter in our lives, adding to
what we have already experienced. Achieving what we
want in ouselves and in life.
The idea of ever drinking alcohol, a substance that has
done nothing good for us, that has cause us so much
trouble, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, you
name it, we've been there done that, has to be squashed.
No ands, ifs or buts about it. Alcohol is gone. Over. Period.
We can pout, throw a tantrum, be in denial, anything you
want, alcohol or any kind of poisonous, controlling substance
is gone. Out of reach, out of sight, and out of mind.
Recovery life won't be easy at first, but in time, it will become
a way of life that is filled with amazing rewards and gifts that
we as alcoholics could never find at the bottom of a bottle.
Welcome to SR. One of many avenues and support systems
to help you achieve a healthier, happier, sober way of life.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Sobriety is not linear for most people. I have relapsed multiple times. You do know how to get sober and to be in the recovery/ recovered zone. For me to remain sober, I work on all aspects of my self every day. Mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical.
I think we learn with each relapse what it is we need to get to where we want to be. This forum has been one of the main tools I use to connect with people who suffer/ suffered from addiction. You can do this. Believe in yourself and your ability to change your life. You got this.
I think we learn with each relapse what it is we need to get to where we want to be. This forum has been one of the main tools I use to connect with people who suffer/ suffered from addiction. You can do this. Believe in yourself and your ability to change your life. You got this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Lanterns - I think it was a great intro! We're so glad you are here.
You described how I felt when I first came here. Honestly, I didn't expect to actually stop drinking forever when I joined SR. I just wanted to see what this place was all about - and as it turns out, I never left! I got sober after 30 yrs. of ups & downs. By reading and posting here, I finally was able to admit I could never be a social drinker. I had tried so hard to hold on to the fun part of drinking - but it had taken over my life, and I was completely dependent on it in the end. My life was in turmoil - no one could trust or rely one me, and I had betrayed myself to a startling degree. That old life is gone now - and has been for nearly 15 years.
Welcome to your new life - and congratulations for taking this brave step. Day One!!
You described how I felt when I first came here. Honestly, I didn't expect to actually stop drinking forever when I joined SR. I just wanted to see what this place was all about - and as it turns out, I never left! I got sober after 30 yrs. of ups & downs. By reading and posting here, I finally was able to admit I could never be a social drinker. I had tried so hard to hold on to the fun part of drinking - but it had taken over my life, and I was completely dependent on it in the end. My life was in turmoil - no one could trust or rely one me, and I had betrayed myself to a startling degree. That old life is gone now - and has been for nearly 15 years.
Welcome to your new life - and congratulations for taking this brave step. Day One!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I hope we can help you find permanent sobriety. It has been a wonderful way to live. Wonderful to be sober as opposed to being drunk, anyway. It's all relative, so comparing being sober to being drunk may only seem wonderful... But it sure feels wonderful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 19
Thank you DriGuy, Hevyn, Bobbieka, Zencat, Mizz, and aasharon. I forgot how powerful it is to write something down, get it out, let the air and light hit it, and have people read and understand on deep levels and take time to respond. The relief and sense of support are tremendous. I've missed that. It's something I moved away from over the years and, I'm certain, played/s a pivotal role in my relapses. Relapses. Plural. I really hate that. Hate that I've been here so many times and keep doing the exact same things. But I am here. I want to stop. I know that my life is only possible when I am not drinking. It implodes when I decide to drink. It undermines all possible stability, physical, mental, financial, and emotional. I am recognizing destructive tendencies and patterns. Moreover, I am trying so very hard to sit with the realization that I have held on to the idea of drinking and keeping alcohol in my life over the years. Trying to be honest in how I've used alcohol to medicate, to cope. How I've kept it somewhere close to me even during the years of my abstinence, always ready to return to it and let it take away what I've worked hard to build up. Maybe there's some sort of pull towards that building up and leveling? Some part of me feels safe being stuck in the same place years after my first attempt at sobriety.
I'm also taking the insights and advice offered here (thank you!) and reminding myself that I do know how to get sober and be in recovery. I remember the feelings and experiences of a sober life, not easy but it created an ease that helped me live, helped me see that I am capable. Allowed for the good stuff to actually get through. Never the defeat and utter shame that tinges my days now. Permanent sobriety is what I want, what I need - I hope we can all create that together.
I'm also taking the insights and advice offered here (thank you!) and reminding myself that I do know how to get sober and be in recovery. I remember the feelings and experiences of a sober life, not easy but it created an ease that helped me live, helped me see that I am capable. Allowed for the good stuff to actually get through. Never the defeat and utter shame that tinges my days now. Permanent sobriety is what I want, what I need - I hope we can all create that together.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Great to read your posts Lanterns and responses. I relapsed so many times over decades. I am now sober and intend to remain so, but I KNOW that I have to work hard and stay close, for me staying close to others who share some of my experience has/is essential - it helps me to stay focused and clear-headed about what a relapse could mean for me. So, I hope we hear a lot more from you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 19
Had a moment this morning when some part of my brain thought, your new quit date should be at the end of the month. Have the rest of October to drink yourself into more misery and despair and regret. But I'm holding on to day 2.
Thank you mns1, dustyfox, Dee74, and KTB5000 for the welcome and support. Very much appreciated. I've been thinking about how to do this differently. Keep the things that worked over those previous stretches of sobriety: not drinking no matter what, developing community, reaching out, service, showing up, eating well, sleeping, and taking care of myself. Being honest, remaining vigilant, getting out of my head (because it likes to go in certain circles that can wear me out and make me think all is lost), and sometimes just sitting with the choices I have and haven't made. That's usually the hardest.
I'm also very aware that things have to be different. I need to look at my overall recovery history and plans and examine what's missing, why I keep relapsing at the 4 - 5 year mark. I'm hitting some wall time and time and time again. I desperately want year 5, 6, 7....would like to know what that feels like. I am fortunate that I come back to wanting sobriety - so grateful for that - and I think that seed was planted the very first time I reached out for help and in those days, weeks, months that I put it all together with the help of people like you.
I'm going to take it easy and not go too much into why I'm hitting that wall right now. Just aware of it in a new way and wanted to get it down. I'd like to come back to it when I'm stronger. Day 2 rolls forward.
Thank you mns1, dustyfox, Dee74, and KTB5000 for the welcome and support. Very much appreciated. I've been thinking about how to do this differently. Keep the things that worked over those previous stretches of sobriety: not drinking no matter what, developing community, reaching out, service, showing up, eating well, sleeping, and taking care of myself. Being honest, remaining vigilant, getting out of my head (because it likes to go in certain circles that can wear me out and make me think all is lost), and sometimes just sitting with the choices I have and haven't made. That's usually the hardest.
I'm also very aware that things have to be different. I need to look at my overall recovery history and plans and examine what's missing, why I keep relapsing at the 4 - 5 year mark. I'm hitting some wall time and time and time again. I desperately want year 5, 6, 7....would like to know what that feels like. I am fortunate that I come back to wanting sobriety - so grateful for that - and I think that seed was planted the very first time I reached out for help and in those days, weeks, months that I put it all together with the help of people like you.
I'm going to take it easy and not go too much into why I'm hitting that wall right now. Just aware of it in a new way and wanted to get it down. I'd like to come back to it when I'm stronger. Day 2 rolls forward.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Day 2 - a great achievement, Lanterns.
I only relapsed once after getting sober. I hadn't had a drop in 3 yrs. & decided it would be ok to have 'a glass' of wine with a person I had just met. Of course it didn't turn out to be just a glass. It was the beginning of another years-long struggle to reclaim my life. Attempting to moderate that last time was almost the end of me, in many ways. I couldn't believe the power it had to take away my freedom & independence. I can never risk it again, & that's what keeps me free of it. You're doing a wonderful thing for yourself - you'll never have to suffer the way many of us have.
I only relapsed once after getting sober. I hadn't had a drop in 3 yrs. & decided it would be ok to have 'a glass' of wine with a person I had just met. Of course it didn't turn out to be just a glass. It was the beginning of another years-long struggle to reclaim my life. Attempting to moderate that last time was almost the end of me, in many ways. I couldn't believe the power it had to take away my freedom & independence. I can never risk it again, & that's what keeps me free of it. You're doing a wonderful thing for yourself - you'll never have to suffer the way many of us have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 19
Thank you, Hevyn. My relapses were similar in that "one glass" sort of disconnect from my long history with booze. And always that one glass became many; I'd wake up one morning (so fortunate) and feel that sick shame and regret and miss the clarity and calm of sobriety. Reading through another thread today, I was reminded how my relapses would start weeks/months in advance. I'd start to allow more and more space for the fantasy of drinking, for the nostalgia, for the misremembered relief (it's not there). It would build and build until I had the "one glass" and it would begin. How to keep that awareness now? How to use it?
Need to hold myself accountable and admit here that I have told no one in my day-to-day life about my decision to stop drinking. Whether out of shame (how many times have I said I'm done) or I'm holding on to some sort of out...suppose it doesn't matter. The fact is that it feels weird and dangerous that I'm hiding my sobriety just like I hid the drinking.
Day three.
Need to hold myself accountable and admit here that I have told no one in my day-to-day life about my decision to stop drinking. Whether out of shame (how many times have I said I'm done) or I'm holding on to some sort of out...suppose it doesn't matter. The fact is that it feels weird and dangerous that I'm hiding my sobriety just like I hid the drinking.
Day three.
Last edited by Lanterns; 10-21-2022 at 02:12 AM. Reason: forgot day 3!
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