ImNotThatGuy

It's been a while since I've been here. I've not been able to string together a meaningful length of sobriety though I have been trying, getting five days here, a week there but always ending up back on the tilt-o-whirl.

Maybe I just haven't hit that "rock bottom" they're always talking about at AA. I just can't relate to that. Of course there have been consequences over the years and decades, but those are relatively minor like acting like a jerk. Usually that is what spurs a good, long period of sobriety, a night where I do or say something so horrible that it haunts me for months or years... then I forget about it and go back to drinking. I've never lost a job, been arrested, had a health problem, injured or killed anyone, etc. I hear "war stories" in AA meetings and just can't relate. Sometimes I'm jealous of people who black out because I always remember the stupid things I do when drinking, and it stings.

Anyway, I'm getting too old for this. I know that. I do get mild withdrawal symptoms when I stop now. It's kind of like a three-day hangover, never the shakes or seizures or anything like that, just feeling icky for a few days. It scares me to think that I might progress to the stage where stopping would be dangerous. It scares me to think about the year when I go in for my yearly physical, the only time I ever go to the doctor, and instead of the doc saying, "Everything is perfect. Keep doing what you're doing." he says, "You have a problem with your liver" or something. I'm scared. I drink too much. I've been keeping track: It's 36 units of alcohol a week, give or take 5-6, a 12-pack three times a week, basically. Way too much. Dangerous and damaging.

AA doesn't work for me because I just can't relate to most of the people in there, and they make me feel like, "Well, I'm not that bad. Nothing like that has ever happened to me." I read the Big Book and think, "Yeah, I'm not the kind of guy who does that at all" more than I think, "Yeah, I can totally relate to that!' (which I do think sometimes). My AV always manages to convince me that my week off has magically healed all the damage I'm doing to my body with this poison. A few family members express concern, but most people who know me say, "You? An alcoholic? Haha! Good one. Have a cold one and relax."

I'm on my fourth day this time around, feeling pretty good. I want to stop for good, but where do I find the motivation and support? It feels like my "rock bottom" will be my yearly physical sometime, when my doc says, "You need a new liver." or "You have cancer of the ___." You would think that would be enough motivation.

Thanks for letting me vent. It's frustrating and inspiring at the same time to read all the stories from those of you who have achieved long-term sobriety.

Anna

Hi, You can find lots of support right here at SR. The motivation will have to come from you. Being on Day 4 of sobriety is great and I hope you can find the motivation within yourself to continue. Things that might help you to stay motivated are making lifestyle changes. For example, having activities in your life that do not revolve around alcohol would be really helpful. Also, spending time with friends who are not drinking and/or encouraging you to drink would also help you to be motivated. Do you have hobbies that you enjoy? Take a look around here and you will likely read stories from people who are happy and healthy and alcohol free.

Zencat

Hello, INTG, Welcome back to your commitment to staying sober and back to SR. The motivation will come around when you start taking action to stay sober. Posting, reading, and getting peer support here at SoberRecovery is a good plan of action. What do you think?

ImNotThatGuy

Thank you. Part of the problem is that my hobbies -- playing music, fishing, camping, various waterside activities -- often involve at least being around other people who are drinking. I guess I need to put those aside for a while and take up new hobbies or make new friends. Anybody wanna form a sober fishing crew? :-)

I think I will stick around here for a while. Making these posts prevented me from going to the store and buying beer. I don't even want one now.

nez

I well imagine everyone in AA can relate to this, not to mention your experiences and story as well. As to relating, and not just in AA but the human race in general, if I look for differences...I will find them. If I look for similarities...I will find them.

We share the same hobbies and yeah drinking was a big part and it presented a problem. The problem was not the hobby nor my friends, the problem was my thinking, which used the hobbies and my friends as an excuse or justification for my drinking.

You already have it inside you, that is why you showed up here. In science, it is called energy. In religion, it is called spirit. In the streets, it is called vibes. All I am saying is trust it. The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.

I am glad you are here. You are in the right place. Keep coming back and keep posting.

Dee74

Hi and welcome back INTG

I used to think rock-bottom had to be some kind of tragedy some kind of catastrophe, but looking back it wasn't that for me.
I drank through things that other people would have quit for - lost jobs, my music career, losing friends, a long list of injuries and embarrassments.\

My inner addict would have had me believe that there was nothing that could stop me short of my funeral, but of course that was a lie.

in the end my rock bottom was just not wanting to be that guy anymore.

It meant changes for sure. I'd lost so many friends over my drinking, my only pals were drinkers like me. I couldn't exist in that world sober.

The good news is I reconnected with old friends and made new ones. My 'sober muscles' grew in time too.
Eventually I ever got back playing music

If you can log on to this website and post cogently and coherently and decide not to buy beer tonight there's still a ton of hope for you INTG

We get to choose the ending to our own story

D

Farrier

I'm like Dee and OP. My rockbottom wasn't nearly as dark as some have experienced, but I got myself into treatment 5 months ago and I'm still sober today. Not all of us will lose everything or end up in a hospital just about dead. I didn't want to be dead.

ToughChoices

You would think that would be enough. But for many, by the time those words are spoken, alcohol's power is SO established that health consequences mean little.

My late husband died at 42 due to his alcoholism. He went from an intelligent, kind, funny, respected, high-earning, family man to a cautionary tale in less that 3 years. He drank until he killed his pancreas, and his inability to produce endogenous insulin eventually led to diabetic ketoacidosis and death. By the time he got the medical news that his pancreas was destroyed, addiction had managed to convince him that his medical issues were UNRELATED to his vodka consumption. He was a victim of medical circumstance. And he believed that victims deserve to drink.

You are not a victim. Neither am I. Find your stopping motivation in your desire to prevent the (sadly) INEVITABLE outcome of tragedy and pain and isolation if you continue to use.

If you can see where you're headed (disaster), but you don't pivot.....you will eventually find disaster. The fact that you haven't found disaster yet doesn't mean that you are brighter, better, or luckier that the folks at AA. It just means that you are earlier in your story.

Rewrite it.

-TC

Zencat

Rock Bottom? I did attempt suicide because of my addiction, survived, and went on using. So my rock bottom is 6 feet under the dirt. Sure glad I didn't hit rock bottom. I did destroy my cognitive abilities and tossed to the wayside all those that loved me, my health, my wealth, my job, my home.....on and on. But YEA! no nasty drugged-up rotted egg rock bottom for me baby. I thank my Lucky Stars.

dustyfox

Hi - Don't go to rock bottom, I know you read my thread about the drunk I found today near my house. Don't let that be you - rock bottom looked cold, dirty, and no one wanted to touch him. Step up, step away.
Keep striving for sober.

Pekelover2

Hi INTG-
You and I are one in the same.
I did better when I came here and also when I joined the October support group. Please consider joining there.

sugarbear1

Rock Bottom is when you stop digging. We can dig a bit deeper, though, and continue on the hamster wheel or we choose a path for recovery.

AA has no monopoly on recovery. Have you considered any of these:
Men for Sobriety
Women for Sobriety
SOS
Life Ring
AVRT
SMART
Rational Recovery

I wish you well on your sober journey.

VikingGF

Comparing yourself to others will only allow you to drag out your misery, we never compare ourselves to those who are BETTER than us and say we are worse, do we?

The bottom comes when you are done being out of control of your behavior. You can stop drinking, and eventually, you will find satisfaction and joy in activities without the addition of alcohol. It’s good you’ve come back to SR, we can certainly support you on your sober journey. Glad you are here!

calmself

No offense but don't trust those friends who say, " you an alcoholic.. you must be kidding. Have a cold one". They either don't know you drink 36 drinks a week or simply don't mind seeing you go down. Trust your family members who are really concerned about your situation.
36 drinks per week is a lot and you are causing major damage to multiple sensitive organs. Have no doubts you are a high risk alcoholic. Please take it one day at a time and don't listen to the deadly AV. Many have done it, you can do this too.

DriGuy

Rock Bottom is a continuum. Unless you die, you can always find a lower bottom. I used to think, "I'll quit when I get there." But I had no clear picture of what "there" was. This kept me sliding down the hill. We have personal bottoms, and they are different for each one of us. I met plenty of people in AA who were far worse than I. When I reached my personal bottom, as bad as that was for me, I was fully aware of a real bottom that surpassed my worst nightmare. What I pictured in my mind was a bottomless cavern with me standing on the edge looking down into the black insanity. There was no one else down in that hole, and I would eventually be there, alone, and unable to find my way out, unless I quit. Don't wait for the bottom. The hole is bottomless.

BornToBeSober

I never liked the term rock bottom. I'm not sure what that means. I guess it means the point which alcoholism has hurt your life the worst. So, rock bottom can be different for each person.

I think what is most important isn't what our rock bottom is, it's quitting alcohol so it doesn't hurt our lives anymore than it already has.

MythOfSisyphus

That's the problem when you're a drunk- every activity is a drinking activity. It's probably obvious but lots of people camp, fish or play music without drinking. I was really afraid, too, when I quit that I'd never find joy in anything again. Like you, I especially loved to take a box wine with me on a camping trip and get truly wasted out in the woods. To my surprise and relief, most of the things I considered occasions to drink wound up being better sober. But yeah, for a time you may have to set some of those things aside til you form some new habits.

I'm glad you're planning on sticking around, ImNotThatGuy. Sobriety is definitely something you're capable of, you can make it stick.

Mizz

Most of us start with the thoughts of wanting to be sober. We then struggle with the alcohol for an undetermined amount of time. A series of events could take place, like personal issues, relationship issues, job performance, DUI's, etc. Then we set about to get sober. For a lot of people sobriety is not linear. There are relapses and more struggles. Eventually and hopefully we make our way onto the road where alcohol is not a part of our lives anymore. AA works for some. This forum works for some. Other programs work for some. Its just about making the firm decision within yourself to quit and to build a life that does not have alcohol.
Its not easy and the beginning is not fun but its rewarding. It takes time and a hell of a lot of effort. It takes determination. We get there if we want to get there.

Keep on moving forward. Find the tools and the resources that work for you. Its not a one size fits all approach. We are all so different and require different tools, actions, and methods. Take it one day at a time. Believe in yourself. If you want to be sober then you will get there.

ClearPath64

I could have written your post ImNotThatGuy. Had all of the same feelings. Made the same comparisons. I'm almost 4 months sober now, at age 58. Something changed. My rock bottom was mental, I guess. Finally, after so many years, accepting the fact that doing the same thing (stops and starts, moderating) just kept me stuck in the same "less than" mental place that I had always resided. The only way out of this is to stop, completely. Join an accountability group on here and check in daily. In 4 short months, my mindset has completely changed. The world hasn't changed, but my view of it certainly has. It's a beautiful thing. Knowing that this is my life now and that there is nothing that could ever cause me to go back brings me such peace. I often wonder if some of us just have to go through it, and fail multiple times, before we can truly wrap our heads around what the long-time sober people on here are saying. There is no middle ground. Stop drinking, come to peace with it, and get on living your life as a fully-functioning person. Let's call today your rock bottom and advance from there. Why wait?

Zebra1275

What if "rock bottom" is six feet under?

In some cases it is.

We were casual acquaintances with one of my daughters high school friend's parents. Haven't seen them in several years. I knew that the father had a drinking problem. They got divorced and the father was living alone in an apartment. Over the Christmas holiday's he drank too much and died alone in his apartment. His body wasn't discovered until 2 weeks later.