Pocohontas78

Hello again. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted though I go on the forums but feel I need some help and guidance. I recently saw my ex who is now 10 months clean/sober. I found out he had been in a short relationship but then broke up with her via text as he said he couldn’t be in a relationship. He has also been on a few dates. I too have been on a few dates etc but he has lied to me continuously and continues to do so. He says he is working an honest programme in which he’s not meant to lie. He is doing the 12 steps and goes to a meeting every week. He told
me he recently bought a bottle of jack Daniel’s as he was close to breaking but he didn’t drink it. We had a lovely weekend together and he was all over me and told me his feelings haven’t changed at all but since I got back he has ignored me. I am very confused about him. Any help would be appreciated

Dee74

Hi and welcome back Pocahontas

usually exes are exes for a reason....if I remember rightly this kind of behaviour is what broke you up in the first place...do you think maybe he's just not the right guy for you, recovery or not?

D

Cityboy

"has lied to me continuously and continues to do so. " - red flag

Pocohontas78

Yes you are both right. Exes are exes for a reason and it is time to let him go. It’s just incredible hard as I know he is finding life tough being sober. Thank you very much for your replies 😊

fishkiller

It is tough getting sober.
But
You did not force him to become addicted to alcohol and you did not force him to quit.
That is on him.
I feel his problems are Not your problems.
Too many fish in the sea to waste time on anyone who does not value you enough to be honest.

It is hard to let go and watch someone we care(d) about suffer but more times than not that's what they need. To suffer. It's what brought me around. I got tired of suffering. So taking away his suffering isn't really helping imo.

Pocohontas78

Do you still up and down days?

fishkiller

Absolutely
That's just life.

Obladi

Everyone has up and down days, Pocahantas. But not everyone has days where they are most likely to lie. Or ignore people they claim to care for. It sounds to me like this guy is using his "recovery" as just another way to manipulate you (and likely other women, as well). This is definitely not what recovery looks like - at any stage.

I've been in the place you've been - not with an alcoholic, but a selfish narcicist who knew how to work my emotions and self-doubt to his best advantage. Believe me, I know how hard it is to break it off with one of these charming, seductive snakes, but they are snakes. For me, it only got worse. In the end, it almost broke me. If you want to help someone, you'd be much better off volunteering at a food pantry or a homeless shelter (or something). You might even meet some nice guy volunteer who looks to care for other people, not use them.

O

Anna

Everyone has up and down days. But, that doesn't excuse lying. And, him being hot and cold about your relationship may or may not have anything to do with alcoholism. It could be just the way he is. Take care of yourself.

SouthernSober

Bye Felipe!

Hevyn

I'm glad to see you, Poco. Very sorry for this confusing situation, but it doesn't sounds like something you need to be part of.

kes

Hi,

Towards the end of my drinking, everyday was a down day. Now, some are days are okay and tolerable. I'm only 116 days sober and it is getting better. At least I don't have the *blackness" that haunted me everyday. What is absolutely crazy is I still miss a drink but now have the sense to know where it will lead me,a painful death and early grave. That's the bottom line and I'm accepting it each day.

Re: Yor ex, Life's hard enough without being lied to, mislead and messed about. Tell the guy to do one, that's my opinion.

Good luck

Pocohontas78

Thank you, all of you, you are really incredibly kind to take the time out to reply. It really is appreciated and gives me a new perspective on it all. I really hope you are all doing well and are all
ok. Thank you once again 💜

Pocohontas78

Hello again. I was hoping for some advice again, you guys are always so helpful. So my ex has reached his 9th step and made amends to me at the weekend, he apologised for being emotionally abusive etc throughout our relationship and sorry for hurting me and so forth and I got quite emotional and cried as I had some things I needed to say but feel for him it was just a tick box exercise. He said he still loves me and wanted me in his life but he is not ready for a relationship. He said he would always be there for for but haven’t heard much fro
him since he returned home. I feel that I have upset him but what I said when he made his amends. Why do I feel guilty???

DriGuy

I suspect you are asking because you think you owe him something for making an amends. You don't. The amends are meant to facilitate a personal change in the alcoholic, at least an honest one. He went into that step knowing he owed something to others, not that others owe him, and that an amends is not a tool to manipulate a desired response in others, but rather for him to come to terms for his own failures. AA makes it clear that no one owes him a desired response, and he knows that, unless of course he slept through that part of the instructions.

Free2bme888

Stay away. You can’t make him the person he needs to be. Honesty, respect, and lack of active addiction, are the solid framework on which good, healthy, long lasting relationships are built upon. Without those, the foundation of the relationship is as solid as sand, and the relationship is not only shaky, it is dangerous.

This description shows NONE of that, and no matter how much you want it to be otherwise, the facts are clear.

You deserve so much better.