Is it time to throw in the towel?
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Join Date: Sep 2022
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Is it time to throw in the towel?
Let me start by saying I am not new to recovery or the 12 steps. My husband has been in more treatment facilities than I can count. Please allow me to share my story as I am overwhelmed and unsure what is next....
My husband and I are college sweethearts. We married fairly young (22) and have two amazing daughters. When we were married for about 8 years I found out he had been a "closet drinker". He comes from a long line of alcoholics. This admission shocked me but he started going to AA and working the program. He managed to be a functioning alcoholic for the next 8 years. I stupidly thought he was actually sober but he wasn't. His functional drinking became non functioning and he lost a great job. It was at this time that he entered his first in patient program. He had previously done an outpatient treatment. Over the next few years he could not stay sober for more than a few weeks at a time. After several DUI and being found by neighbors passed out in various areas of the subdivision, I had had it and filed for divorce after 20 years of marriage. I thought this would kick him into gear. Well it did to a point and he lived in a halfway house for 6 months and we reconciled. Over the next few years he stayed sober until he didn't and the process started over again. It got to a point where he was taking medication to stay sober. Medication that I was making sure he took. Who wants to be a babysitter like that? Not me. So he stopped taking it and stayed sober here and there. Then Covid hit and shut down actually helped. He did virtual meetings, spoke on the phone often with his sponsor and so forth. He went the longest 2 1/2 years without a drink. Until a few weeks ago when he fell off the wagon. He detoxed and went back to meetings, etc. He has a decent job and we live comfortably, not well off but not paycheck to paycheck. I am a teacher so I make a small salary not enough to sustain our house and bills. I am pretty sure after the last few weeks his job is in jeopardy. I know his drinking is not my fault. That has never been my thought process. The overwhelming pit in my stomach and heart pounding anxiety is what I have trouble with. I tried al-anon and it wasn't for me. I am more comfortable sharing like this than face to face in a meeting. This brings us to tonight. He was out of town for work and was to return yesterday. He called and said his boss was making them go to another location and he wouldn't be back until today. I could instantly tell he was drinking. Today after a long day taking my elderly father to the dr for Covid (he is doing ok) I tried calling my husband and no answer. He always calls or texts when he is leaving and I never heard anything so I figured he was drinking. I just received a text from him saying he is at his hotel and yes he is drinking but not drunk and I should just let him stop by himself. He sickens me when he is drunk. He is disgusting (not violent but rude) and definitely not the man I married. I also feel like we have been together this long I am afraid of not being together. I am afraid of being alone in life but maybe that's better than constant rollercoaster of emotions. I hate this disease.
My husband and I are college sweethearts. We married fairly young (22) and have two amazing daughters. When we were married for about 8 years I found out he had been a "closet drinker". He comes from a long line of alcoholics. This admission shocked me but he started going to AA and working the program. He managed to be a functioning alcoholic for the next 8 years. I stupidly thought he was actually sober but he wasn't. His functional drinking became non functioning and he lost a great job. It was at this time that he entered his first in patient program. He had previously done an outpatient treatment. Over the next few years he could not stay sober for more than a few weeks at a time. After several DUI and being found by neighbors passed out in various areas of the subdivision, I had had it and filed for divorce after 20 years of marriage. I thought this would kick him into gear. Well it did to a point and he lived in a halfway house for 6 months and we reconciled. Over the next few years he stayed sober until he didn't and the process started over again. It got to a point where he was taking medication to stay sober. Medication that I was making sure he took. Who wants to be a babysitter like that? Not me. So he stopped taking it and stayed sober here and there. Then Covid hit and shut down actually helped. He did virtual meetings, spoke on the phone often with his sponsor and so forth. He went the longest 2 1/2 years without a drink. Until a few weeks ago when he fell off the wagon. He detoxed and went back to meetings, etc. He has a decent job and we live comfortably, not well off but not paycheck to paycheck. I am a teacher so I make a small salary not enough to sustain our house and bills. I am pretty sure after the last few weeks his job is in jeopardy. I know his drinking is not my fault. That has never been my thought process. The overwhelming pit in my stomach and heart pounding anxiety is what I have trouble with. I tried al-anon and it wasn't for me. I am more comfortable sharing like this than face to face in a meeting. This brings us to tonight. He was out of town for work and was to return yesterday. He called and said his boss was making them go to another location and he wouldn't be back until today. I could instantly tell he was drinking. Today after a long day taking my elderly father to the dr for Covid (he is doing ok) I tried calling my husband and no answer. He always calls or texts when he is leaving and I never heard anything so I figured he was drinking. I just received a text from him saying he is at his hotel and yes he is drinking but not drunk and I should just let him stop by himself. He sickens me when he is drunk. He is disgusting (not violent but rude) and definitely not the man I married. I also feel like we have been together this long I am afraid of not being together. I am afraid of being alone in life but maybe that's better than constant rollercoaster of emotions. I hate this disease.
Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation. I think that 'functioning alcoholic' is, at best, a phase one passes through. It's impossible for alcoholics to control their drinking as I'm sure you understand. At this point, it sounds like you want to make a decision. Staying together is somewhat appealing because you've been married for a long time, but staying together means continuing to live in chaos. It's also important to consider what's best for your daughters, if they are living at home.
It might be an idea for you to talk to a lawyer, just to learn what your options are. If you think his job is in jeopardy, talking to a lawyer could be helpful. You are very welcome to continue to post here, but we also have a forum for Friends & Families: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
It might be an idea for you to talk to a lawyer, just to learn what your options are. If you think his job is in jeopardy, talking to a lawyer could be helpful. You are very welcome to continue to post here, but we also have a forum for Friends & Families: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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