FreyFrey111

Hi I have been sober almost a year. I relapsed two years ago after being sober for almost 5 years. I had been attending AA but I always resented it. My mom told me she used to put us in Alateen so that she had a babysitter for us. We were 8 and 9. I'm in my mid 50s now and I was starting to be ok with AA again and then my sponsor who I really trusted asked me to give her some of my anxiety meds. I was so shocked that she would ask me this. I just threw in my hat. I've struggled with AA since I was forced into it so young and nobody at home was ever sober or working any type of program.

I got sober the first time (the 5 year time) with the help of some women across in another country. I even went to meet them. Now when I relapsed I thought I'd try AA but I'm so disgusted and resentful that I have spent all this time lately trying to grasp a Higher Power and never got it and then my sponsor put me in such a crazy spot. I felt like she set me up. I don't ever want to go AA again. It's like I have been in this fricking cult since I was 8 and now I'm mid 50s and its still something I despise. I loved being sober the 1st time. The 2nd time I feel so much guilt in AA if I don't go to a meeting because I'm studying or working. My head is just swarming with exhausting. Has anybody ever experienced anything like this? The request from my sponsor put me over the edge a bit. I'll take any advice you can give. Thank you. Feeling worn out mentally.

Anna

Welcome, I'm glad you found us.

I understand you're disillusioned with AA, but many people find it very helpful. I'm not an AA person, but it's probably helpful to remember that sponsors are just people like you and me.

We have members here who use a variety of methods to stop drinking. You might consider SMART Recovery, LifeRing or Women for Sobriety. The point is to find something that works for you. Focus on what you can do and will work for you. Do whatever you need to do to get and stay sober.

kes

Hi,

There's no disputing AA works for a lot of peolple. I attend meetings, have a sponsor and follow most of the steps. However, I totally get what you're saying. I think some of the steps eg step 4 are irrelevant to my recovery. If I want to confess, I'd go and see a priest not a fellow alcoholic like my sponsor or other group member.s So, I've binned steps 4 and 5. I won't even consider doing them. They had a feel of the "moonies" about them, confessing to a stranger! Nonesense as far as I'm concerned.

Also the sexual aspect, in the big book, has no relevance and it "spooked" me. That certainly is cultish. Again I binned it.

Despite the above, I have found the bits I accept, as very useful. I see it like eating a meal. I eat the bits that I like, the rest goes in the bin.Take what is relevant to you and disgard the rest. There are many on SR who think I'm wrong, I don't care, I just do what's best for me and use AA to my advantage. I suggest you do the same.

Hope this is useful and above all makes sense to you.

DriGuy

I heard quite frequently in AA that it is/was the only thing that works, but I'm a firm believer that there are many other options that work (or fail) equally as well as AA. Just like AA, some are suited to certain people, but not to others. Like Kes, I rejected much of the AA program, actually most of it, because most of it was of little value (to me) and simply not relevant. What I did gain was a community of people that shared my problem, and a place to go every night, at least for a while, until I could break free of my addiction cycle. It helped that I enjoyed the sharing part of the meetings, even if I had to bite my tongue at times. But breaking the cycle was important, and after that, it was me remaining committed to a life of sobriety, where I no longer needed AA. But I never lost sight of my goal of freedom from alcohol, and believe still to the present, that one drink is the most likely thing that would lead me back to misery.

Today, we have forums like SR that have an all encompassing approach to sobriety where we can go every day and share our own special needs and experiences.

AJ143143

I had a bad experience with AA a while back. I did have a wonderful experience in Alanon though. Not all the steps applied to me. I got a sponsor. She to this day is still one of my best friends and although never One of us are in alanon anymore we still talk almost daily. It was a community of people that got me at the time. I do feel like it can be cultish. For me, one on one therapy as well as this forum worked the best. However I do commend AA for 1) being so widely available 2) Being free 3) working for most people. The hard part I had with AA is that there were quite a few men in the particular ones I went to. (One of which even led the group) that would prey on women. I had one guy act like he was a friend. Used the comfort of AA to be vulnerable together. Told me he liked me more than a friend. Then when I got a crush on him, he screen shot all of our personal messages and started a text thread and included me in it and all his “boys” were making fun of me on it. But no one cared because after all he was “sober”… he did this to several other girls. His friends would do it too. It was like the saying “no matter what as long as you are sober everything is better” made them believe that as long as they didn’t do their drug of choice (alcohol) being a kind normal human didn’t apply to them. It may have just been this city or particular group of about 10 guys. But it was a super bad experience.

kes

Well said Dri - I'm with you 100%

I take it for what it is, a useful old book, outdated and in need of modernisation. The heart of the big book for me is being powerless over alcohol and never being able to drink like a "normal" person To me that is a fundamental "TRUTH" that will last forever, it's timless and 100% spot on,

Zencat

😊Welcome to SR Fery.

I using SR as a big part of my recovery program. 😊 Find out what works for you and stick with it.

Dee74

Hi FreyFrey - welcome

I'm sorry you feel let down by your sponsor - but dismissing AA totally over one member would be like cutting your nose off to spite your face, or throwing the baby out with the bath water.

I understand you may have other unresolved issues with AA tho,

Luckily there's never been as many options for support in recovery out there as there are now.

Smart Recovery, lifering, Women for Recovery, Recovery Dharma, Ration Recovery, Celebrate Recovery,,,and thats just off the top of my head.

Wherever you go in recovery though you'll find people whose example you want to follow...or run away from.

sugarbear1

AA isn't the only way.

Women for Sobriety
Men for Sobriety
Life Ring
SOS
Rational Recovery
AVRT

are some that also have websites and online information. They aren't the only programs around. And there is Sober Recovery. AA has no monopoly on recovery and doesn't claim to. I have witnessed miracles happen in AA, though.

Maybe just ask your higher power for a hug and a suggestion and call it a night.

DriGuy

I think you are right. It's the one thing every alcoholic who wants to recover needs to come to terms with. Not easy for some, but for those that recognize it, it's pretty much the place to begin for any program out there or any plan a person comes up with on his own. Do that one thing and after that, you are free to take any path to success that you choose.

It's the foundation of AVRT's Big Plan (I will never take another drink ever). The powerlessness over alcohol is recognized and implied in the Big Plan, which only works if you accept the reason why such a vow is necessary. The founder of AVRT calls it finished at that point, but notes that you can take further steps to improve your life if you want, while claiming it isn't necessary. Many feel you can't just put the plug in the jug. I would argue that it might be possible to stop at that point, but doing so robs you of much about life that you can't have in active addiction. When I went into recovery, I wanted only one thing; I wanted to quit drinking. And I've said before that if that was all I got out of it, I would have been happy as a lark. However in retrospect, I would have been happy, but yet unsatisfied, because there was and remains so much more that is possible to enjoy.

dustyfox

Hi Frey - you sound exhausted with it all - I feel for you.
People have already said some wise things about AA and the various different ways of attaining sobriety, and I guess you know this already. It sounds like you have had your trust shattered by your erstwhile sponsor, try not to dwell on this, they made a mistake, and let you down, and I get how hurtful that must be.

Posting here has been of enormous help to me. You might find it a safe place to share how you feel and that in turn might support you back to sobriety which is, I can hear, where you wish to be.

VikingGF

Frey- Congrats on your sober year.

I have no experience with AA, but I have several years of experience with trying to get and stay sober, and lots of years of experience with people. I have learned that not one part of my sobriety can be dependent on any external force- not people, acts of God, words or events, good or bad. It's all about me and my decision to never take another drink, no matter what. People are fallible, life is unpredictable, so I have to be able to depend on my own choice- never drink. I hear that people take what they need and leave the rest when it comes to AA, I kind of find that is true of EVERYTHING- relationships included. I do have strong, smart people in my life, but do I live and die by every decision they make? I can't, for that would be the end of me. Your sponsor did let you down, but that is also a lesson- you are strong enough to get through that and now you know- maybe that person isn't quite where you think they are in their own journey. Maybe they have filled the role they were meant to take in your life and it's time to go, or maybe adjust your expectations for that person and realize that sometimes the student surpasses the teacher. The bottom line is, do not let another person impact your decisions or color your world so much that you lose focus of your number one job- staying sober. This board is littered with people (I am one of them) who have relapsed because of this one or that one or that thing or the other. We relapse because we choose to drink, then we place blame elsewhere. When it comes down to it- only you can take away your own power- keep going and don't lose what you have gained because of a false premise. Other people have NO effect on your sobriety if you have made the decision to never drink. Period.

Thank you for your post, it helped me today. Also, I have found and maintained my sobriety using only SR- there are great supports here- I take what I need and help if I can, maybe you can do the same? You have a lot of sober experience!