grahambou

I have been reading many if the posts here and they have been very helpful. Alcohol has been coming between my wife and I for 3 or 4 years now. She suffers from depression and says drinking makes her happy. She doesn’t drink every day but does take a lot of painkillers and I’m not even sure if she’s in pain. When she starts drinking she finds it hard to stop and quite often stays up all night drinking. After the first drink or two there is a transition from happy to depressed and even aggression. I avoid social situations with her so that I don’t have to see her embarrass herself and I dread seeing her reach for the wine fridge in the afternoons. When she does I now do my best to stay away from her to avoid any conflict. She tends to start bringing things up from her past and then blames me for anything she’s unhappy with in her life. We have a hot tub which I have now emptied and we don’t use it as she will only get into it with a drink or rather a bottle and once she gets drunk it always ends up in an argument. She is adamant she is not an alcoholic and says I’m just trying to control her. My older brother was an alcoholic and he died as a result, I enjoy a glass or two if wine but stop at that and I am very sensitive about the damage it can do but am I overreacting to her drinking and should I be more tolerant? We have been together over 30 years and have had a wonderful relationship but I find myself withdrawing and a recent incident has resulted in me wanting to leave her as it’s really affecting our marriage.

Dee74

Hi and welcome grahambou

No I don’t think you’re over reacting. Wanting to leave is pretty serious - it’s not a first resort, it’s a last resort after you’ve tried everything else, like not going out, draining the hot tub and whatever else you’ve tried to limit the damage.

I’m sorry for what brings you here, but you’ve found a place of great support. You are not alone
Do check out our Family and Friends forums as well

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

D

dustyfox

Hi Grahambou - I am sorry things have become difficult for you and your wife.
You mention she suffers from depression, is it time for her to see her doctor and have a chat about this, perhaps take a new look at what medications she is taking? If she won't go, could you maybe chat to your doctor about your concerns?
I don't think you are overreacting - your wife sounds unhappy and is turning to alcohol in the mistaken belief that it will help her. Is there anyone else she could talk to, a friend or family member that might help her to see that drinking will only cause more problems?
I think you know, and deep downs she probably does too that a combination of pain killers and alcohol at this level is harmful. I think your concern is justified.

Khorhey

I would say you’re not overreacting. Have you talked to her about it, is she open to trying to get some help?

There is a lot of help out there. Lots of information on this site. There are outpatient addiction doctors that specialize in this type situation. They also offer counseling.

boreas

grahambou,
So sorry for what brings you here. Unfortunately, research suggests that alcohol is more likely to exacerbate the depression your wife is coping with. Sounds like she is caught in a bit of a cycle, perhaps not realizing her coping mechanism is making her feel worse. That is certainly where I found myself when drinking to cope with anxiety, and it takes a lot of effort and a willingness to change to break it.

If you are unhappy with the status quo that is just as valid of a feeling as the sadness she is seeking to alleviate. Whether she chooses to give up alcohol is her choice, but you have every right to make choices of your own. So no, in my opinion it is not overreacting. It is very hard to live with someone whose primary activity is drinking.

Best wishes,
-bora

Hevyn

I'm glad you found us, grahambou. I 'm so sorry for the painful time you're going through. I hope being here will help you feel less alone.

Anna

Hi grahambou, You aren't overreacting if you feel that you cannot live with your marriage as it is. That's how you feel and that's what matters. I hope your wife seeks helps and support for her mental health and addiction issues and I hope you can find some peace.

least

Welcome to the family. No, I don't think you're over reacting at all. Her drinking sounds serious and out of control. And yes, pain killers and alcohol can be a deadly combination.

I hope you can find some peace in your life and that your wife can address her drinking problem.

RAL

If you feel so bad you are not overreacting at all.your feelings are valid and you should listen to them.

Are you able to sit down with her when shes siber and say what you feel. Even show her this post. Tell her you are so unhappy yiure thinkin of leaving her . She probably has no idea.

Best wishes to you

Farrier

Thanks for sharing. Your situation helps alcoholics like myself remember what Ive done to my family and my marriage, plus it's reenforcement to keep on the sober path.

I'm sending positive thought and prayer to you today and I'm hoping that you two are able to get the help that you both need.

grahambou

Thanks to everyone for their advice and warm words. Unfortunately it is hard to talk to her as she gets extremely defensive and says that I’m just trying to control her. Right now we haven’t spoken for three days and the atmosphere in the house is very uncomfortable. I am doing what I have been doing for a few years now, getting through each incident and hoping it doesn’t happen again, which it does. I have put everything in place to leave her this evening and jump on an early morning flight to our holiday home a thousand miles away, I just need to make the move. I am hesitant once again hoping that it could get better and this is just a phase. I feel so conflicted, I am really close to my children and grandchildren and would miss them terribly if I took a break away

Mizz

But....Its been a long long phase, right? The incidents are affecting you deeply. You are taking care of yourself. Keep doing that. We are here to support you.

Alpine

I was very much like her. At first when my husband approached me about my drinking I pretended I was not drinking as much as I was, however he knew how much. He started to find my stash of alcohol and started to take pictures of how the levels were going down in the bottles. When I denied it he showed me the pictures then he told me he found all my " hiding" places. I also then got quite defensive and said how lonely I was and upset and tried to put the blame on him because after all he was working so hard and had no time for me. Uhm...He was pulling away from me because he did not like the drinker I had become. I was not the person he fell in love with he told me and that I was choosing alcohol over him. He tried darn hard to support me by monitoring to help me decrease the amount. It took a huge rock bottom fall to knock me back to my senses. So I fully understand and respect where you are coming from and do not think you are overreacting. Mr. A said he would leave too and wanted nothing to do with to do with the lifestyle I was heading towards. I too have depression and anxiety and was trying to self medicate and alcohol made me far far worse. I thought it was making better. How wrong I was.

Khorhey

Why should you leave you’re family and go far away?
She is the one that needs to go away to rehab if she refuses to get help.

grahambou

I didn’t leave last evening. Regretting not doing so this morning, maybe I just don’t have the courage, that mixed with the hope things may get better, perhaps I am fooling myself.

Mizz, thank you for your and everyones support in this group, it’s been a lifeline for me in this past few days.

Alpine, your honesty is amazing as is the honesty from others whose actions have caused harm to their family. You give me hope that there can be change.

Khorhey, when we had a break up earlier this year (numerous times in the past she has got drunk and often I’m not even there or in bed and she grabs a few things and runs off, sometimes even driving) she agreed to counselling both as a couple and individual. We started that process but its fallen by the wayside. At the time I said it’s the only way I am prepared to go forward but I think that there was too much focus on her mental state and none placed on the alcoholism. I get it that the root causes of her issues and depression need addressing but our marriage could collapse in the meantime due to her drinking. She hasn’t had a drink now for three days which is great but she is not talking to me and completely ignoring my presence. I guess thats her resentment towards me for not wanting her to drink and I am tough enough to take that but ultimately history tells me that the pattern is that the urge for a drink will take over and once she is drunk that resentment will boil over.

RAL

Even putting the drinking to one side anyone ignoring their partner for 3 days is a sure red flag no one should have to put up with that sort of behaviour. It's no way to live

But it will continue till you decide you are not putting up with it any more

Nothing changes if nothing changes

Khorhey

Sounds like a typical alcoholic cycle. Quit for a short time, a few days, not enough time to make any progress on anything then relapse. Kindling take you right back to where you were when you stopped. So those sober days are really lost just like the drunk days. Most of us here are all to familiar with it.

My advice is if she won’t fully commit to outpatient treatment. Insist she goes to an inpatient rehab. If not then physically separate and go from there. There is no reason for you to live like that. She needs help.

My wife made me get help because I could not do it on my own. I’m working with an outpatient addiction center. Had to swallow my pride, admit it’s a serious problem and accept I need help.

Do not leave your family to get away from her. Stay with a friend or family, hotel etc until you figure it out.

trailmix

Hi graham. I'm glad you have hope and there is nothing wrong with that, of course. But hope is not a plan. You are in a cycle here. You confront her, she throws it back at you. You insist she must stop, she stops for a few days (maybe or she is secretly drinking) and resents you for it. Repeat.

She says you are trying to control her and really, you are. She doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do. I don't mean that in a harsh way, just so you know.

We can think sometimes, because someone is not behaving the way we want them to, or because they are not making the choices we would like or we would make that gives us license to step in and tell them what to do. In reality, it doesn't.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Rules and boundaries. Boundaries are for you, while rules are for other people. You can't make rules for an adult. You can however, have boundaries. You don't even have to share them with anyone if you don't want to, they are yours.

For instance, you might decide that if she doesn't stop drinking by the end of September, you are leaving as you won't live with an active alcoholic. Time comes and you move, perhaps not so far away as to be away from family. Can you move in temporarily with family or perhaps find an apartment?

Boundary - all your decisions.

This as opposed to a rule telling her she has to move out if she doesn't stop by mid-month. Then what? She doesn't have to follow your rules and nothing changes.

Her focus is alcohol, not you, not your family, not even really her, it's her one true love, alcohol. Everything else is incredibly secondary.

I think you going to your holiday house is a brilliant idea. Doesn't mean you have to move away forever, but a break will give you time to reflect and clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

I hope you also visit and post if you like, in the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum, lots of threads there you might find helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Mags1

Hi Graham, your wife is definitely in the throes of an active alcoholic. I know because I behaved just like your wife.

The only way she will stop is if she wants to, perhaps because of certain life changes. Cutting down drinking doesn’t work for an alcoholic , I know, I tried it many times.

As trail mix said, boundaries. Make boundaries for yourself and stick to them. You could suggest rehab or reading SR but unless she wants to genuinely stop, she’ll pick up again, and she will blame everything else for it but her addiction.

Take care.

Free2bme888

Oh, I’m so sad for you, and her, your kids and grandkids. It’s hard.

Lots of good responses here, I have a toxic relationship with alcohol. I though it would never happen to me as I was married to an alcoholic man. I cannot control my drinking. It changed and I crossed a threshold.

i think a trip away for a few days or a week would be good for all of you. Not as an ultimatum, but you will see more clearly when you are not in the middle of the muddy Waters. You cannot see clearly there. I also echo that you are the one with the problem with her drinking and not her. She said that she doesn’t think that she has an alcohol problem, which tells me that you’ve already tried to talk to her about it. From what I can read of your story she is nowhere near wanting to address the issue. So the only thing that you can do is to protect you. I am so sorryThat you were going through this. It is tough to see someone that we love destroy themselves and destroy relationships over their choices. Stay close we will be here for you