I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
I guess I always knew the story would be the same with him!
Firstly I just want to say how much I appreciate and respect everyone's journey here. I will admit that I feel like I'm one of the luckier ones that didn't fall prey to being totally consumed by the life of someone with an addiction. When I read other people's experiences on here mine really pales in significance to be honest.
To give a little bit of a back story, I first met this man I'm about to speak of 5 yrs ago. Back then we moved so fast in our dating and relationship hitting many milestones and by 8 months partially even living together for the last 4 months of our relationship. By month 10 I finally realized he had an alcohol addiction and had recently relapsed. He of course tried to hide it as he didn't want to lose me and thought he could try and get on top of it before I clued on.
Anyway during our 1 year together there were so many behaviours that were red flags...... Obviously the drinking (when I finally realized it), prescription pills, addicted to energy drinks and even porn. His communication was crap and he would instantly put a wall up whenever there was an issue that I needed to discuss. He was moody at times too. There was also a very beautiful man hiding underneath all that crap (the one I fell in love with).
Anyway I called the relationship off around the 1 year mark as there were more red flag behaviors that started outweighing goodness in the relationship. I had to be done for my own sanity and that of my daughter (she was only 6 at the time).
Fast forward to a month and a half ago (5 yrs later with absolutely no contact whatsoever), out of the blue he sends me a message in FB Messenger. At first I was thinking, I never reconnect with an ex however 5 yrs is a long time and maybe he has turned his life around for the better. So I responded and we began texting and talking on the phone. It was quite evident that we have a natural connection and there definitely was some feelings there still between us.
One thing I noticed was his communication was 10 times better than 5 yrs ago, in fact it was very evident that the way he spoke and even thought was quite mature and he showed consideration to my feelings and thoughts which totally blew me away. He was in a great well paying job too which he loves and treats as his number 1 priority to the point he would make sure he was in bed by 8pm each night as he was always up very early and had to be alert as he was driving a forklift and couldn't risk making a mistake which I also admired in him.
One night we were on the phone and I just had a hunch he was kind of slurring his words. I asked him if he was still drinking 5 yrs on and he was brutally honest and said yes, he drinks beer. He also divulged that he smokes a bong every day after work until his bedtime. At that moment although I appreciated his honesty I was extremely disappointed. In 5 yrs I guess I had expected him to have had growth and become a healthier version of himself and moved away from his addictions.
He said that Covid and isolation had not helped and he had obviously not felt motivated enough to make those changes. I told him that if we were to ever explore a relationship in the future again that those things would need to be worked on (the drinking to completely stop) and the weed intake to be reduced over time. He agreed that he would obviously want to work on those areas as he wanted to win my heart..... I had no reason really to not believe him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
We went out for dinner and even on another occasion spent a weekend together close to home at a hotel (which he paid for everything). We had a great time, reconnected physically, talked alot, went for walks, went on a Jet Boat Thrill ride and ate brunches and dinner.
I knew before the weekend away that he was still 5 yrs on drinking. He tried to make me believe it was under control but that he just wanted to be like a normal person who could have one.
However he literally was drinking from the minute he got home from work each day (3pm - 7.30pm) as well as smoking his bong and getting high. Over this 6 weeks of reconnection I feel like it may of gotten worse. So I stopped having phone calls with him because I just couldn't bare to listen to his voice when he was under the influence of weed and alcohol. I told him this as well in a text conversation one night. He said he felt the most connected to me when he was drinking and smoking, I told him I felt the most disconnected when he was drinking and smoking, sad really.
I am a woman that has my **** together. In 5 yrs I have had amazing growth. I have been on 3 overseas holidays with my daughter, bought a house, reached 10 yrs in a job, got a payout for long service leave and found another more satisfying job. I joined a gym and look and feel the healthiest I have ever been, I watch what I eat, eat healthy and barely drink any alcohol except for socially out celebrating a Birthday or something which is only every couple of months and even when I do that the most I will have in a night is a cocktail and maybe 2 glasses of wine, I'm never drunk! I don't do any drugs of any kind, don't smoke cigarettes, don't suffer from depression and don't pop any prescription pills. The total opposite of him!
I struggled to see how our lifestyles matched up really, we had no compatibility in that area whatsoever. Sometimes I'd sit and think how he would possibly blend in with my friends and in particular my gym friends as quite clearly he was on a different path (drinking after work each day and smoking weed). Still he said he isn't perfect and he was willing to try and get on top of those things to ensure things would work out for us as a future couple, that he needed time to make the changes and that we needed to go slow and not get serious so soon(obviously because he knew making changes would take time) he didn't want either of us feeling pressured (probably he was mostly referring to himself here).
So I tried to stick with it. The first 2 and a half weeks of texting conversation was great, we both spoke deeply about most things however at the 2 and a half mark something very bizarre started to happen slowly...... He started sending me poems and rhymes. At first I thought okay that's cool. He told me he loves writing rhymes (never knew that about him 5 yrs ago in the year that we were together and never once heard a single rhyme from him then). Anyway as time went on, he was sending more of them and he was telling me how much he loves hip hop and rap and that he is amazing at writing these rap rhymes. More than half of them never made much sense to me and it was always like a cryptic puzzle trying to work out the meaning behind them as he said there was always a meaning in them and that I just needed to try harder to understand them. I tried but it was difficult. These rhymes would be texted to me after work so obviously he was writing them while drinking and being stoned. His morning texts before he started work were always normal and lovely!
As the weeks progressed he was sending me rhymes every day and I just couldn't connect to him through them which would in turn slightly frustrate him and he would feel like I didn't like them or appreciate that part of him. Then he would send me hardcore rap songs that he loved but I disliked (I told him rap/hip hop) was not a genre of music I liked but I respected that he liked it and having differences was okay, we didn't have to like the same things. Still he would literally be ramming them down my throat and most of what he was sending was in German (he is German) so I couldn't even understand what the artist was even rapping about. He then said one day he wants to buy some music equipment and start a YouTube channel rapping. Now I don't mean to knock him and I obviously never told him this but he cannot rap to save his life but in his mind he really believes he is amazing at it.
On the way home from our weekend away I swear in the car I felt totally invisible to him. He out on his rap music which was in the German language, turned it up loud and didn't really make a hell of alot of conversation, it was like he totally zoned out and didn't even ask me if I would like to perhaps have a turn in listening to a song that I liked. I felt it was rude. He got easily irritated by other drivers on the road which I couldn't help but notice and he at one point got so frustrated with the cars on the road that he weaved in and out and sped up at times like a complete nutcase. He dropped me off home 30 mins later, came inside to use my toilet, kissed me goodbye and said he better get going to beat any traffic (he lives 45 mins from me) and left.
That night he rings me and wanted to say goodnight however I couldn't take the call as my daughter was right next to me so I texted and told him that. I sent a voice message instead so I put my earphones on to listen and he was clearly drunk abd obviously high. He was slurring his words so badly and really wasn't making too much sense at times, I was extremely saddened.
He obviously just couldn't wait to get home and drink alcohol and smoke weed (probably explains his irritability on the road on the journey home) because obviously that's all he really wanted in that moment - to feed his addiction craving since he had gone 2 days and a night without any of it for our weekend together.
It was in that moment that I realized that even him having an amazing weekend without the alcohol and weed abd seeing how great our life together could be without those substances was not enough for him to make a change..... I had to accept right there and then that he was an active alcoholic and really the goodness of me was really not enough for him to turn words into action.
The next day he texted me to ask what Saturday would suit me best to catch up.
I checked ny diary but also asked him which Saturday he preferred. I specifically gave him 2 dates to choose from and he was unable to answer normally. Instead I get a multitude of rhymes that make no sense. I get frustrated in the end and told him "oh my god, can you just please pick a date babe, simple question, I don't need a poem to decipher"
He responds with more ridiculous rhymes and I say "omg, nevermind, let me know a date when you can be bothered answering properly, night."
He responds with " if you can't read this, never happening"
Me responds with " I just want a normal answer but all good"
He says: " No! You just want normal answers all the time. Not fine with me, can't you ****** see!? Seriously bumblebee, whatever, text me when you understand and are better.
Damn you have no ****** idea what you got, never mind I'll stop, I know I rock, no beautiful girl, I'm on top! I need a break, don't understand why you keep me up, for **** sake, hmmm, really, figure this rhyme out, I should be in bed, still misunderstood, don't worry I'm good! No errors, my loss, bye, I'll make sure I will fly.
The next day I got no goid morning message from him, no messages at all. I didn't message either. Was the first day since reconnecting that we never messaged each other. The next day I sent him this:
Hey T, Happy Friday.
Hey I know things left off pretty crappy on Wednesday night, I'm sure you have probably been feeling uneasy about it all just as much as what I have been considering we connected so deeply back in July when we started reconnecting again and then had our amazing weekend away last weekend. Such a shame really!
I do think that we need to get real about some stuff though, one of them being your drinking outside of work. I'm not trying to get you all fired up with this but the drinking is damaging our connection together and we aren't going to make it unless you give it up completely.
Perhaps you need to work on that part of yourself first before trying to invest in you and I as a romantic couple.
I don't want to abandon you during this because you did say you needed time to move through this process of quitting the alcohol. I said I would support you through this and I still want to but I think while I do that we must just stay at a friendship level. No romantic stuff, just friends. I don't want to give my heart to you while you are clearly having a drinking issue. When you quit the bottle that is when we can start turning it into a proper romantic connection.
Until then lets maintain our friendship. Hopefully one day the timing will be right for us to be more but it needs to be without the bottle. That's my standard and expectation if we are ever to have a romantic relationship.
If you really want us to be together in the future you will find a way to work on this as soon as possible.
I hope you understand that I'm only trying to protect myself from being hurt here. I want us to work out but once again it seems the timing is off, you need to move away from the alcohol completely and step up here, I will accept nothing less.
If you don't want this anymore then I respect that. Just let me know what you want to do x
He responded to this later that day with:
"This is my last text and a very quick reply. You have so many issues in your head. I don't want to be with a woman that can only be with me if I change.
You go and change your problems, see how you like that having someone constantly in your ear!
Goodbye Luan, I'd rather stick with my weed and beer! I got no fear. That's why this ends here.
You couldn't wven appreciate my rhymes, not many people have this kind of talent. I only have good times. I don't think you will ever find the right guy, bad boy or shy. You are impossible to be with, and now you want me off everything that makes me ME, can't you see? Not gonna happen. I will continue my rapping and in the future people will be stepping to the rhythm of my beat. No more heat, last rhyme this time, I'll be fine, so will you be, no longer my bumblebee, no kisses and no text, you will stay as my ex.
I wished him all the best in one small sentence and thanked him for at least replying.
He then blocked me on messenger, Facebook and the phone for texting.
The end! He rejected me 🤷♀️
To give a little bit of a back story, I first met this man I'm about to speak of 5 yrs ago. Back then we moved so fast in our dating and relationship hitting many milestones and by 8 months partially even living together for the last 4 months of our relationship. By month 10 I finally realized he had an alcohol addiction and had recently relapsed. He of course tried to hide it as he didn't want to lose me and thought he could try and get on top of it before I clued on.
Anyway during our 1 year together there were so many behaviours that were red flags...... Obviously the drinking (when I finally realized it), prescription pills, addicted to energy drinks and even porn. His communication was crap and he would instantly put a wall up whenever there was an issue that I needed to discuss. He was moody at times too. There was also a very beautiful man hiding underneath all that crap (the one I fell in love with).
Anyway I called the relationship off around the 1 year mark as there were more red flag behaviors that started outweighing goodness in the relationship. I had to be done for my own sanity and that of my daughter (she was only 6 at the time).
Fast forward to a month and a half ago (5 yrs later with absolutely no contact whatsoever), out of the blue he sends me a message in FB Messenger. At first I was thinking, I never reconnect with an ex however 5 yrs is a long time and maybe he has turned his life around for the better. So I responded and we began texting and talking on the phone. It was quite evident that we have a natural connection and there definitely was some feelings there still between us.
One thing I noticed was his communication was 10 times better than 5 yrs ago, in fact it was very evident that the way he spoke and even thought was quite mature and he showed consideration to my feelings and thoughts which totally blew me away. He was in a great well paying job too which he loves and treats as his number 1 priority to the point he would make sure he was in bed by 8pm each night as he was always up very early and had to be alert as he was driving a forklift and couldn't risk making a mistake which I also admired in him.
One night we were on the phone and I just had a hunch he was kind of slurring his words. I asked him if he was still drinking 5 yrs on and he was brutally honest and said yes, he drinks beer. He also divulged that he smokes a bong every day after work until his bedtime. At that moment although I appreciated his honesty I was extremely disappointed. In 5 yrs I guess I had expected him to have had growth and become a healthier version of himself and moved away from his addictions.
He said that Covid and isolation had not helped and he had obviously not felt motivated enough to make those changes. I told him that if we were to ever explore a relationship in the future again that those things would need to be worked on (the drinking to completely stop) and the weed intake to be reduced over time. He agreed that he would obviously want to work on those areas as he wanted to win my heart..... I had no reason really to not believe him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
We went out for dinner and even on another occasion spent a weekend together close to home at a hotel (which he paid for everything). We had a great time, reconnected physically, talked alot, went for walks, went on a Jet Boat Thrill ride and ate brunches and dinner.
I knew before the weekend away that he was still 5 yrs on drinking. He tried to make me believe it was under control but that he just wanted to be like a normal person who could have one.
However he literally was drinking from the minute he got home from work each day (3pm - 7.30pm) as well as smoking his bong and getting high. Over this 6 weeks of reconnection I feel like it may of gotten worse. So I stopped having phone calls with him because I just couldn't bare to listen to his voice when he was under the influence of weed and alcohol. I told him this as well in a text conversation one night. He said he felt the most connected to me when he was drinking and smoking, I told him I felt the most disconnected when he was drinking and smoking, sad really.
I am a woman that has my **** together. In 5 yrs I have had amazing growth. I have been on 3 overseas holidays with my daughter, bought a house, reached 10 yrs in a job, got a payout for long service leave and found another more satisfying job. I joined a gym and look and feel the healthiest I have ever been, I watch what I eat, eat healthy and barely drink any alcohol except for socially out celebrating a Birthday or something which is only every couple of months and even when I do that the most I will have in a night is a cocktail and maybe 2 glasses of wine, I'm never drunk! I don't do any drugs of any kind, don't smoke cigarettes, don't suffer from depression and don't pop any prescription pills. The total opposite of him!
I struggled to see how our lifestyles matched up really, we had no compatibility in that area whatsoever. Sometimes I'd sit and think how he would possibly blend in with my friends and in particular my gym friends as quite clearly he was on a different path (drinking after work each day and smoking weed). Still he said he isn't perfect and he was willing to try and get on top of those things to ensure things would work out for us as a future couple, that he needed time to make the changes and that we needed to go slow and not get serious so soon(obviously because he knew making changes would take time) he didn't want either of us feeling pressured (probably he was mostly referring to himself here).
So I tried to stick with it. The first 2 and a half weeks of texting conversation was great, we both spoke deeply about most things however at the 2 and a half mark something very bizarre started to happen slowly...... He started sending me poems and rhymes. At first I thought okay that's cool. He told me he loves writing rhymes (never knew that about him 5 yrs ago in the year that we were together and never once heard a single rhyme from him then). Anyway as time went on, he was sending more of them and he was telling me how much he loves hip hop and rap and that he is amazing at writing these rap rhymes. More than half of them never made much sense to me and it was always like a cryptic puzzle trying to work out the meaning behind them as he said there was always a meaning in them and that I just needed to try harder to understand them. I tried but it was difficult. These rhymes would be texted to me after work so obviously he was writing them while drinking and being stoned. His morning texts before he started work were always normal and lovely!
As the weeks progressed he was sending me rhymes every day and I just couldn't connect to him through them which would in turn slightly frustrate him and he would feel like I didn't like them or appreciate that part of him. Then he would send me hardcore rap songs that he loved but I disliked (I told him rap/hip hop) was not a genre of music I liked but I respected that he liked it and having differences was okay, we didn't have to like the same things. Still he would literally be ramming them down my throat and most of what he was sending was in German (he is German) so I couldn't even understand what the artist was even rapping about. He then said one day he wants to buy some music equipment and start a YouTube channel rapping. Now I don't mean to knock him and I obviously never told him this but he cannot rap to save his life but in his mind he really believes he is amazing at it.
On the way home from our weekend away I swear in the car I felt totally invisible to him. He out on his rap music which was in the German language, turned it up loud and didn't really make a hell of alot of conversation, it was like he totally zoned out and didn't even ask me if I would like to perhaps have a turn in listening to a song that I liked. I felt it was rude. He got easily irritated by other drivers on the road which I couldn't help but notice and he at one point got so frustrated with the cars on the road that he weaved in and out and sped up at times like a complete nutcase. He dropped me off home 30 mins later, came inside to use my toilet, kissed me goodbye and said he better get going to beat any traffic (he lives 45 mins from me) and left.
That night he rings me and wanted to say goodnight however I couldn't take the call as my daughter was right next to me so I texted and told him that. I sent a voice message instead so I put my earphones on to listen and he was clearly drunk abd obviously high. He was slurring his words so badly and really wasn't making too much sense at times, I was extremely saddened.
He obviously just couldn't wait to get home and drink alcohol and smoke weed (probably explains his irritability on the road on the journey home) because obviously that's all he really wanted in that moment - to feed his addiction craving since he had gone 2 days and a night without any of it for our weekend together.
It was in that moment that I realized that even him having an amazing weekend without the alcohol and weed abd seeing how great our life together could be without those substances was not enough for him to make a change..... I had to accept right there and then that he was an active alcoholic and really the goodness of me was really not enough for him to turn words into action.
The next day he texted me to ask what Saturday would suit me best to catch up.
I checked ny diary but also asked him which Saturday he preferred. I specifically gave him 2 dates to choose from and he was unable to answer normally. Instead I get a multitude of rhymes that make no sense. I get frustrated in the end and told him "oh my god, can you just please pick a date babe, simple question, I don't need a poem to decipher"
He responds with more ridiculous rhymes and I say "omg, nevermind, let me know a date when you can be bothered answering properly, night."
He responds with " if you can't read this, never happening"
Me responds with " I just want a normal answer but all good"
He says: " No! You just want normal answers all the time. Not fine with me, can't you ****** see!? Seriously bumblebee, whatever, text me when you understand and are better.
Damn you have no ****** idea what you got, never mind I'll stop, I know I rock, no beautiful girl, I'm on top! I need a break, don't understand why you keep me up, for **** sake, hmmm, really, figure this rhyme out, I should be in bed, still misunderstood, don't worry I'm good! No errors, my loss, bye, I'll make sure I will fly.
The next day I got no goid morning message from him, no messages at all. I didn't message either. Was the first day since reconnecting that we never messaged each other. The next day I sent him this:
Hey T, Happy Friday.
Hey I know things left off pretty crappy on Wednesday night, I'm sure you have probably been feeling uneasy about it all just as much as what I have been considering we connected so deeply back in July when we started reconnecting again and then had our amazing weekend away last weekend. Such a shame really!
I do think that we need to get real about some stuff though, one of them being your drinking outside of work. I'm not trying to get you all fired up with this but the drinking is damaging our connection together and we aren't going to make it unless you give it up completely.
Perhaps you need to work on that part of yourself first before trying to invest in you and I as a romantic couple.
I don't want to abandon you during this because you did say you needed time to move through this process of quitting the alcohol. I said I would support you through this and I still want to but I think while I do that we must just stay at a friendship level. No romantic stuff, just friends. I don't want to give my heart to you while you are clearly having a drinking issue. When you quit the bottle that is when we can start turning it into a proper romantic connection.
Until then lets maintain our friendship. Hopefully one day the timing will be right for us to be more but it needs to be without the bottle. That's my standard and expectation if we are ever to have a romantic relationship.
If you really want us to be together in the future you will find a way to work on this as soon as possible.
I hope you understand that I'm only trying to protect myself from being hurt here. I want us to work out but once again it seems the timing is off, you need to move away from the alcohol completely and step up here, I will accept nothing less.
If you don't want this anymore then I respect that. Just let me know what you want to do x
He responded to this later that day with:
"This is my last text and a very quick reply. You have so many issues in your head. I don't want to be with a woman that can only be with me if I change.
You go and change your problems, see how you like that having someone constantly in your ear!
Goodbye Luan, I'd rather stick with my weed and beer! I got no fear. That's why this ends here.
You couldn't wven appreciate my rhymes, not many people have this kind of talent. I only have good times. I don't think you will ever find the right guy, bad boy or shy. You are impossible to be with, and now you want me off everything that makes me ME, can't you see? Not gonna happen. I will continue my rapping and in the future people will be stepping to the rhythm of my beat. No more heat, last rhyme this time, I'll be fine, so will you be, no longer my bumblebee, no kisses and no text, you will stay as my ex.
I wished him all the best in one small sentence and thanked him for at least replying.
He then blocked me on messenger, Facebook and the phone for texting.
The end! He rejected me 🤷♀️
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,694
Originally Posted by LouLou0610 
The end! He rejected me 🤷♀️
He wants to drink/use so his addiction wants nothing to do with you.
Though it may hurt, it’s actually probably a good sign that an active addict wants no part of you. He wants someone broken to limp along with him. You want someone to run with you!
Take his “rejection “ as a compliment to your sanity and stability.
Good luck to you and your daughter!
-TC
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
You require more effort, more mental health, than he is interested in giving.
He wants to drink/use so his addiction wants nothing to do with you.
Though it may hurt, it’s actually probably a good sign that an active addict wants no part of you. He wants someone broken to limp along with him. You want someone to run with you!
Take his “rejection “ as a compliment to your sanity and stability.
Good luck to you and your daughter!
-TC
He wants to drink/use so his addiction wants nothing to do with you.
Though it may hurt, it’s actually probably a good sign that an active addict wants no part of you. He wants someone broken to limp along with him. You want someone to run with you!
Take his “rejection “ as a compliment to your sanity and stability.
Good luck to you and your daughter!
-TC
It is astonishing to see that he actually believes his life is good and that he thinks I'm the one that has issues.
I may have bruised his ego by back stepping to friendship but I still wanted to support him and be a friend and be there for him as I genuinely care about him. I still can't understand why he blocked me when I said I wasn't abandining him.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,694
Originally Posted by LouLou0610
It is astonishing to see that he actually believes his life is good and that he thinks I'm the one that has issues.
Someone in Al-Anon once told me, “The horns on his head fit perfectly into the holes on yours.”
Whoa!
Turns out, I have messes of my own. I have unhealthy attitudes and flawed coping mechanisms.
Today I try to pay attention to my issues and leave other people’s messes alone. Wanting to maintain contact, to help and support this man who has so little to offer you in terms of partnership may indicate that your head still has some (very small) holes (divots?
) in it. You’re making progress, but haven’t healed up all the way (no one ever does).As you walk toward health, you will have less and less in common with someone who is actively using. You won’t be a good fit anymore.
You sound like a genuine, caring woman. Use this opportunity to let go of him and explore your own journey !
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by LouLou0610
I may have bruised his ego by back stepping to friendship but I still wanted to support him and be a friend and be there for him as I genuinely care about him. I still can't understand why he blocked me when I said I wasn't abandining him.
Even if he were friend material (he is not) you would need a break of at least six months to a year to squelch any residual "romantic" feelings you might have.
There is a book called Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. It is the most recommended book in the Friends and Family forum - that forum is here by the way:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I'm not saying you are or aren't codependent, but trying help or support someone who hasn't asked or indicated that they want your help or support is a waste of your time really. The book has a lot of information on boundaries in relationships and a wealth of information about relationships you might find helpful to put this all in perspective.
Alcoholism/addiction is progressive. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
Well, we all have issues. My ex-husband’s alcoholism was a convenient “you’re so much worse off than me” card. In anger, I would often play it instead of looking at my own imperfections.
Someone in Al-Anon once told me, “The horns on his head fit perfectly into the holes on yours.”
Whoa!
Turns out, I have messes of my own. I have unhealthy attitudes and flawed coping mechanisms.
Today I try to pay attention to my issues and leave other people’s messes alone. Wanting to maintain contact, to help and support this man who has so little to offer you in terms of partnership may indicate that your head still has some (very small) holes (divots?) in it. You’re making progress, but haven’t healed up all the way (no one ever does).
As you walk toward health, you will have less and less in common with someone who is actively using. You won’t be a good fit anymore.
You sound like a genuine, caring woman. Use this opportunity to let go of him and explore your own journey !
Someone in Al-Anon once told me, “The horns on his head fit perfectly into the holes on yours.”
Whoa!
Turns out, I have messes of my own. I have unhealthy attitudes and flawed coping mechanisms.
Today I try to pay attention to my issues and leave other people’s messes alone. Wanting to maintain contact, to help and support this man who has so little to offer you in terms of partnership may indicate that your head still has some (very small) holes (divots?
) in it. You’re making progress, but haven’t healed up all the way (no one ever does).As you walk toward health, you will have less and less in common with someone who is actively using. You won’t be a good fit anymore.
You sound like a genuine, caring woman. Use this opportunity to let go of him and explore your own journey !
I agree, looking into the core of the truth, he and I are not a good fit, absolutely incompatible in such fundamental areas.
I know deep down its for the best that he blocked me but boy does that sting after telling me for 6 weeks how important I was to him and that he has my back and a mountain of other amazing stuff, I was literally discarded the minute I voiced my expectations of what I needed. That actually hurts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi LL. Honestly? There is no way to be his friend right now, maybe never. Unless of course you want to sit and decipher rhymes in a foreign language all day. None of what you described is even bordering on normal. He obviously has issues - no doubt even more issues than being addicted to alcohol. Rap can be as cryptic as a person makes it, without any personal reference and without any context, it's mostly just words. We like music we can relate to for that reason, we relate. Plus, this is the good part - you don't have to like it!
Even if he were friend material (he is not) you would need a break of at least six months to a year to squelch any residual "romantic" feelings you might have.
There is a book called Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. It is the most recommended book in the Friends and Family forum - that forum is here by the way:
I'm not saying you are or aren't codependent, but trying help or support someone who hasn't asked or indicated that they want your help or support is a waste of your time really. The book has a lot of information on boundaries in relationships and a wealth of information about relationships you might find helpful to put this all in perspective.
Alcoholism/addiction is progressive. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Even if he were friend material (he is not) you would need a break of at least six months to a year to squelch any residual "romantic" feelings you might have.
There is a book called Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. It is the most recommended book in the Friends and Family forum - that forum is here by the way:
I'm not saying you are or aren't codependent, but trying help or support someone who hasn't asked or indicated that they want your help or support is a waste of your time really. The book has a lot of information on boundaries in relationships and a wealth of information about relationships you might find helpful to put this all in perspective.
Alcoholism/addiction is progressive. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
I'm actually glad I don't have to sit here cringing and feeling so frustrated at his rhymes.
I'm not sure what other issues he has but you are right, his behaviours are definitely not normal and quite concerning.
Even though it hurts that he blocked me so callously it probably is for the best.
I just care about him so its challenging to move through this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,151
If I got dumped by some loser like that, I'd do an eye-roll and be grateful. OK, he may have some good qualities underneath, but he doesn't have his **** together, and that's one of the first things to look for in a relationship. After you fall in love, there are still other issues that need to be addressed in a long term relationship.
Alcoholics, all of us, are high risk relationships. Some of us will never drink again, but all of us are always "one drink away" from, screwing up our lives and the lives of those around us.
Alcoholics, all of us, are high risk relationships. Some of us will never drink again, but all of us are always "one drink away" from, screwing up our lives and the lives of those around us.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Im sorry you are hurting. It does sound very painful to go through.
You are deserving of all the good things in a relationship. Luckily all of this showed itself really early on.
Keep moving forward. Process in the way you are. I think talking about it is really helpful and you will find plenty of support here.
You are deserving of all the good things in a relationship. Luckily all of this showed itself really early on.
Keep moving forward. Process in the way you are. I think talking about it is really helpful and you will find plenty of support here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by LouLou0610
I just care about him so its challenging to move through this.
Now that you have made that decision though, it might be a good time to look at why you put up with it at all. It sounds like a real effort in frustration and even with you jumping through all the hoops, he wasn't even kind or caring!
Everyone deserves kindness and respect (until they prove they don't) and that means you too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Yikes. I’m tired just reading a bit of his rhymes. You must be exhausted. I will say…we’re all geniuses in our own heads when we’re drunk.
I’ve found a lot of wisdom on the baggage reclaim website after failed messy relationships. Natalie Lue, the author, really breaks down how to figure out why we put up with so much and only see the good.
Congrats on having your -ish together! It took me some time to figure out that singlehood beats a crappy relationship any day. Particularly when our offspring are there needing a present and unbothered parent.
-bora
I’ve found a lot of wisdom on the baggage reclaim website after failed messy relationships. Natalie Lue, the author, really breaks down how to figure out why we put up with so much and only see the good.
Congrats on having your -ish together! It took me some time to figure out that singlehood beats a crappy relationship any day. Particularly when our offspring are there needing a present and unbothered parent.
-bora
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, just because we distance ourselves from someone doesn't mean we don't care, I understand.
Now that you have made that decision though, it might be a good time to look at why you put up with it at all. It sounds like a real effort in frustration and even with you jumping through all the hoops, he wasn't even kind or caring!
Everyone deserves kindness and respect (until they prove they don't) and that means you too!
Now that you have made that decision though, it might be a good time to look at why you put up with it at all. It sounds like a real effort in frustration and even with you jumping through all the hoops, he wasn't even kind or caring!
Everyone deserves kindness and respect (until they prove they don't) and that means you too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by DriGuy
If I got dumped by some loser like that, I'd do an eye-roll and be grateful. OK, he may have some good qualities underneath, but he doesn't have his **** together, and that's one of the first things to look for in a relationship. After you fall in love, there are still other issues that need to be addressed in a long term relationship.
Alcoholics, all of us, are high risk relationships. Some of us will never drink again, but all of us are always "one drink away" from, screwing up our lives and the lives of those around us.
Alcoholics, all of us, are high risk relationships. Some of us will never drink again, but all of us are always "one drink away" from, screwing up our lives and the lives of those around us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by boreas
Yikes. I’m tired just reading a bit of his rhymes. You must be exhausted. I will say…we’re all geniuses in our own heads when we’re drunk.
I’ve found a lot of wisdom on the baggage reclaim website after failed messy relationships. Natalie Lue, the author, really breaks down how to figure out why we put up with so much and only see the good.
Congrats on having your -ish together! It took me some time to figure out that singlehood beats a crappy relationship any day. Particularly when our offspring are there needing a present and unbothered parent.
-bora
I’ve found a lot of wisdom on the baggage reclaim website after failed messy relationships. Natalie Lue, the author, really breaks down how to figure out why we put up with so much and only see the good.
Congrats on having your -ish together! It took me some time to figure out that singlehood beats a crappy relationship any day. Particularly when our offspring are there needing a present and unbothered parent.
-bora
The reason I know this is because she became a friend of mine from 5 yrs ago when I was with T. Obviously I met her naturally and we were chatting last week when T rejected me. She was so excited for us that we had reconnected and had high hopes that we could make it work 2nd time round. He was really happy and had told her I was talking with him and open to see where things might go, she said he seemed to have a spring in his step.
Obviously she may not have realized how bad this relapse is until now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Mizz
Im sorry you are hurting. It does sound very painful to go through.
You are deserving of all the good things in a relationship. Luckily all of this showed itself really early on.
Keep moving forward. Process in the way you are. I think talking about it is really helpful and you will find plenty of support here.
You are deserving of all the good things in a relationship. Luckily all of this showed itself really early on.
Keep moving forward. Process in the way you are. I think talking about it is really helpful and you will find plenty of support here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by LouLou0610
Well he was kind and so happy to reconnect for the first couple of weeks but then he changed slightly so I'm putting it down to perhaps the ramping up off the alcohol and weed. I can only imagine how much more of it he does on the weekends when he isn't at work, I shudder to think.
He wants to drink like a normal person. He wants a relationship. He put his best foot forward for you for the first few weeks, but that was the extent of that!
Alcoholics cannot drink "normally" - he never will be able to. Although it is a fond dream of many, once you are addicted to a substance that addiction never goes away. It can be controlled by a real dedication to staying sober, but you can't drink.
It's like he was a cucumber that became a pickle. Once you are a pickle you can't go back to being a cucumber, no matter how much you might like to.
So really all he did was try to hide it from you or control it for a few weeks and failed. His ex wife said the rhyming is new. Well, as mentioned, alcoholism is progressive. The guy you knew 5 years ago is not the guy he is today and not the guy he will be in 2 years. He has to consume more to get the same feeling. Even if the payoff isn't what it used to be (because he has withdrawal or depression or anxiety when sober), he's not stopping.
At this point he will probably need professional help, IF (and yes, that's a big if) he actually wants to stop and he has given no indication of that at all.
There was also a very beautiful man hiding underneath all that crap (the one I fell in love with).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
I see this two ways, one as an ex-drinker and the other as a connoisseur of men who need “fixing”.
IMO, drinking doesn’t cause our problems. We drink because of our issues. Take the alcohol away, and the issues remain. These must be addressed for a successful and happy sobriety, and that takes time. Months, years, a lifetime. That’s why it is so important that we quit drinking for ourselves and because of our own internal motivation. There is a reason why the general recommendation is to avoid new relationships in early sobriety.
I have Florence Nightingale tendencies and have to be careful to examine my own thinking when becoming involved. I tend to ignore red flags flying, and I’ve learned that has lots to do with my own insecurities and a desire not to be the messier one. There’s more to it, but suffice it to say that I had to turn it around and examine why I made bad choices rather than worry too much about why someone else claimed to want one thing while their behavior said differently.
Staying in my own lane is my superpower. Very good people can have very serious issues, but it important for me to accept that jumping in to save them is not the foundation for the relationship that I want.
-bora
IMO, drinking doesn’t cause our problems. We drink because of our issues. Take the alcohol away, and the issues remain. These must be addressed for a successful and happy sobriety, and that takes time. Months, years, a lifetime. That’s why it is so important that we quit drinking for ourselves and because of our own internal motivation. There is a reason why the general recommendation is to avoid new relationships in early sobriety.
I have Florence Nightingale tendencies and have to be careful to examine my own thinking when becoming involved. I tend to ignore red flags flying, and I’ve learned that has lots to do with my own insecurities and a desire not to be the messier one. There’s more to it, but suffice it to say that I had to turn it around and examine why I made bad choices rather than worry too much about why someone else claimed to want one thing while their behavior said differently.
Staying in my own lane is my superpower. Very good people can have very serious issues, but it important for me to accept that jumping in to save them is not the foundation for the relationship that I want.
-bora
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by trailmix
You're right, he did ramp it up (or fail to hide it as well), this is not at all even a little uncommon. It takes some a little longer and some less time.
He wants to drink like a normal person. He wants a relationship. He put his best foot forward for you for the first few weeks, but that was the extent of that!
Alcoholics cannot drink "normally" - he never will be able to. Although it is a fond dream of many, once you are addicted to a substance that addiction never goes away. It can be controlled by a real dedication to staying sober, but you can't drink.
It's like he was a cucumber that became a pickle. Once you are a pickle you can't go back to being a cucumber, no matter how much you might like to.
So really all he did was try to hide it from you or control it for a few weeks and failed. His ex wife said the rhyming is new. Well, as mentioned, alcoholism is progressive. The guy you knew 5 years ago is not the guy he is today and not the guy he will be in 2 years. He has to consume more to get the same feeling. Even if the payoff isn't what it used to be (because he has withdrawal or depression or anxiety when sober), he's not stopping.
At this point he will probably need professional help, IF (and yes, that's a big if) he actually wants to stop and he has given no indication of that at all.
There usually is. But potential does not a partner make. Alcoholics are not monster people, they are just people with a huge problem that affects every single part of their lives and drags everyone in the vicinity along for the ride. From what you have said about yourself and your lifestyle, this is a rope you might want to let go of, because you surely don't want to be dragged along?
He wants to drink like a normal person. He wants a relationship. He put his best foot forward for you for the first few weeks, but that was the extent of that!
Alcoholics cannot drink "normally" - he never will be able to. Although it is a fond dream of many, once you are addicted to a substance that addiction never goes away. It can be controlled by a real dedication to staying sober, but you can't drink.
It's like he was a cucumber that became a pickle. Once you are a pickle you can't go back to being a cucumber, no matter how much you might like to.
So really all he did was try to hide it from you or control it for a few weeks and failed. His ex wife said the rhyming is new. Well, as mentioned, alcoholism is progressive. The guy you knew 5 years ago is not the guy he is today and not the guy he will be in 2 years. He has to consume more to get the same feeling. Even if the payoff isn't what it used to be (because he has withdrawal or depression or anxiety when sober), he's not stopping.
At this point he will probably need professional help, IF (and yes, that's a big if) he actually wants to stop and he has given no indication of that at all.
There usually is. But potential does not a partner make. Alcoholics are not monster people, they are just people with a huge problem that affects every single part of their lives and drags everyone in the vicinity along for the ride. From what you have said about yourself and your lifestyle, this is a rope you might want to let go of, because you surely don't want to be dragged along?
I don't think he wants to stop, I don't even know how he is managing to go to work and not need it, he said he treats his job seriously and will never drink or smoke weed while at work or before he gets to work in the mornings..... I guess it's only a matter of time before that all goes pear shaped.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by boreas
I see this two ways, one as an ex-drinker and the other as a connoisseur of men who need “fixing”.
IMO, drinking doesn’t cause our problems. We drink because of our issues. Take the alcohol away, and the issues remain. These must be addressed for a successful and happy sobriety, and that takes time. Months, years, a lifetime. That’s why it is so important that we quit drinking for ourselves and because of our own internal motivation. There is a reason why the general recommendation is to avoid new relationships in early sobriety.
I have Florence Nightingale tendencies and have to be careful to examine my own thinking when becoming involved. I tend to ignore red flags flying, and I’ve learned that has lots to do with my own insecurities and a desire not to be the messier one. There’s more to it, but suffice it to say that I had to turn it around and examine why I made bad choices rather than worry too much about why someone else claimed to want one thing while their behavior said differently.
Staying in my own lane is my superpower. Very good people can have very serious issues, but it important for me to accept that jumping in to save them is not the foundation for the relationship that I want.
-bora
IMO, drinking doesn’t cause our problems. We drink because of our issues. Take the alcohol away, and the issues remain. These must be addressed for a successful and happy sobriety, and that takes time. Months, years, a lifetime. That’s why it is so important that we quit drinking for ourselves and because of our own internal motivation. There is a reason why the general recommendation is to avoid new relationships in early sobriety.
I have Florence Nightingale tendencies and have to be careful to examine my own thinking when becoming involved. I tend to ignore red flags flying, and I’ve learned that has lots to do with my own insecurities and a desire not to be the messier one. There’s more to it, but suffice it to say that I had to turn it around and examine why I made bad choices rather than worry too much about why someone else claimed to want one thing while their behavior said differently.
Staying in my own lane is my superpower. Very good people can have very serious issues, but it important for me to accept that jumping in to save them is not the foundation for the relationship that I want.
-bora
I know he has nothing positive to offer me because he doesn't even love himself enough.
On that weekend away I had actually noticed that all of his top teeth were missing except for one (yes it did turn me off his appearance) however that could be fixed by dental treatment and a set of dentures and so paled in significance as a problem when weighed up against tje drinking and weed.
I asked him why he has not done anything about his teeth (5 yrs ago he had all of his teeth) and his response was that he wasn't motivated enough or had a reason like having a partner for example to give him that get up a go to get something done about it.
I said to him that he shouldn't need to have someone else care about him for him to get off his ass and get his oral health taken care off, or anything else for that matter that needs to be worked on. I asked him why he felt he couldn't give himself that care and love to do something about it and why he felt he needed to have a partner in his life in order to initiate self care. He really couldn't answer it. I told him that if I even lost one tooth I would be at the dentist trying to work out a solution to replace it and that I take pride in myself and want to look and feel the best I can.
Obviously he has low self esteem and I know that having no top teeth must bother him as he would always smile with his mouth closed but when he speaks you can notice they are missing.
I can't fathom any of this let alone how he could have lost them all in a space of 5 yrs🤷♀️
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
…he wasn't motivated enough or had a reason like having a partner for example to give him that get up a go to get something done about it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
