ToughChoices

I’m just over 6 months clean and sober, and my life is definitely turning in a healthy, manageable direction.

My family life is ticking along steadily. Kids are back in school, and we are busy with complicated activity/practice schedules. My husband is a college athletic coach, and his season is in full swing, requiring lots of evening and weekend time. This leaves me solo for much of my day. It’s the stereotypical “suburban mom” life….running children to school and practice, keeping the house tidy, shopping done, and meals cooked. I work in the yard, and I’m remodeling our bathroom (tile goes up today!) I have activities to occupy my time.

But, friends, I have an aching loneliness that is hard to describe. I feel very “other.” Very outside the norm. I look normal, but my addiction (and recovery) make me different. It’s hard for me to know what I should share when I meet new friends. I don’t want to scare the other moms away!

Recovery is a HUGE part of my life, but I know my husband doesn’t want to hear my deep introspections every second that he’s around me. Sometimes he just wants to sit on the couch and watch Stranger Things with me!

My friends are supportive, but also anxious to just “get Mel back”! I don’t think they understand that this is the new Mel?!? Complete with lots of recovery talk and spiritual exploration.

Typing all of this out I think I just need to ensure that I am going to at least 4-5 meetings each week. That’s a safe place for me to share and think and focus on recovery. AA helps center me and gives me the interaction I’ve been missing.

I can be easily drawn into putting my needs lower and lower on my own priority ladder, with kid and family stuff jumping to the top. Problem is…. at some point I realize intense resentment about the lack of attention that’s being paid to MY needs, and I feel justified in my substance abuse. No Longer!!!!

If I want grownup, recovery-based conversation I have to log on here or show up at my meeting. I have to call my sponsor.

Funny how I started writing this post thinking, “There has to be more to life than JUST this daily chore grind.” Of course there is!!! I’ve just been focusing on the grind instead of the freedom!

Thanks for listening to me think out loud. I appreciate all the helpful voices here!

Much love!
-TC

KTB5000

I can relate to what you posted and feeling like an outsider. I chatted with some moms at my sons flag football practice yesterday and was quite surprised and how much they shared. I felt much more reserved. After the practice, I felt vulnerable, confused and judgemental. Then, I realized this is exactly what I want - new opportunities to connect with people. I could not have these encounters while drinking. I was isolated all the time and consumed with anxiety.

With AA and OA, I found a fellowship of people that I can share my feelings more intimately with and I've come to love and appreciate it as I begin to see things more clearly.

Congrats on 6 months TC, im right behind you at 5 months!

BornToBeSober

Well you are different than normies, all alcoholics are, but I don't that's a bad thing. Remember, there are plenty of people who are not alcoholics who choose not to drink because of the benefits. Also, keep in mind being the same as everyone else is kind of boring if you think about it right? I also prefer the word unique when I describe myself instead of different.

Your friends probably think you'll be back drinking eventually so they are supportive but waiting for the old Mel. As long as you stay sober they will realize the new you is the you that is here to stay.

Have you tried meeting people at your AA meetings? Maybe you can meet someone other than your sponsor who you can talk to about recovery. There is also a chat room here you can use. Just always remember you are not alone and there are people out there just like you who you can connect with.

Have a great day and congrats on 6-months!

Anna

I felt like an outsider in early recovery, too. But, as I observed other people around me, I realized that everyone has something they are dealing with and struggling with in their lives. I don't talk about recovery in my real life and even with my immediate family, I rarely mention it. It's a very personal journey. TC, the main thing is that you find things that work for you and that you're comfortable with. You're doing great.

kes

TC, you are doing great!

Questionning your own persona and circumstance is part of the journey of getting better. I feel like a stranger to myself so God only knows how others perceive me.
When in detox, they asked me to talk about Kes (ie me) I responded saying I have no idea who that is anymore. Kes is comijng back but a different kes,a better version. I think part of the journy is accepting this change
I was reading an article about a person who was born totally blind. In his 30's something happened in his brain and he could see for the first time ever. He was terrifed, shocked, confused etc - a whole host of new emotions. I kinda understand how he must have felt as I'm seeing myself, my world, everything from a new perspective called sobriety. It's where you're at now TC, we are all are. I'm having to get used to who I am now. Being a drinking alcoholic before detox,, it was a full time job, far longer hours than when I was working as a teacher. I'm not working at presentI and have too much time to reflect.. In one sense you don't have this "problem" but on the negative side you don't have the time to dicover or concentrate on yourself and get used to who you are now..

Be patient and those that really love you will come to love the new you, even more. I hope this sort of makes sense TC, like you, I'm thinking aloud.. I know how I feel and what I want to say to you but struggling to put it into words.

Please take this post in the supportive spirit in which it's meant.. T

rust in yourself and you'll be fine, absolutely fine.

Hevyn

Hi TC. I'm glad you posted about what's going on. (I love the great responses.)

In my early sober months I recall feeling what I'd define as melancholia. Not exactly depression or deep sadness - but a vague unease. I think it was because I had to learn to live in a whole new way. I had relied on alcohol for so many years - it was part of everything I did. Being without it felt odd & I was disoriented for a while - even though I was very grateful to be sober. Gradually, the joy of being sober & clear headed took over & I learned to love my new life. But - don't feel alone - most of us go through a transition that isn't always easy or comfortable. It's ok to be both thankful for our sobriety and a bit confused about our feelings. Please know that we are with you.

Proud of you!

ToughChoices

Thanks to all for your wonderful support!

I go through some periods of unease and general restlessness, but I’m learning to recognize them and step back for some observation rather than rushing along with the negative feelings.

All feelings pass/change/subside. I’m definitely observing more good feelings now, too!

mns1

TC have you ever tried meditation? It's a great way to formally set aside time to observe the changing nature of our minds and emotional/physiological states. I consider it one of the most powerful tools in my arsenal.

kes

Hi TC,

As Mins says give meditation a go, you never know it might be useful for you?

I worked as a teacher in prisons for many years. Yoga,especially the meditation side, was very popular. The guys said they may be incarcerated, but their minds were free when meditating.

I must admit it's not my cup of tea, but wouldn't rule it out for others.

I've thought about hypnosis but not sure if it's mumbo jumbo?

Bw,

Kes

Dee74

Hey TC

Recovery gave me back me real authentic self - some of my relationships changed in light of that reemergence, some not for the better but there were others who entered my life...like attracts like.

I don't talk about recovery much except for here, but I don't talk much about religion or politics anywhere either, but I'm deeply interested in all those things.

D

MrPL

Hi Mel,

I totally get what you are saying. I have been through something very similar and the way I see it now is that emotions are signals.

They indicate if we are heading on the right direction or not.

What completely changed the game for me was to start trying the things I thought would make me feel good. However random they were, if I thought “wouldn’t it be cool if I …..”, I’d try it. Of course somethings I couldn’t even start because of other responsibilities, but I’d seriously consider it at the least. If I started something and it felt wrong, I’d leave it behind.

I’m 6 years into this journey (unfortunately not all
of them sober, but the process somehow kept going) and my life is completely different. That feeling of just tagging along, of being disconnected, is gone, and I know have true ME meaning in almost everything I do.

I think what sobriety does is give us the clarity to understand the situation we are in, then plan and execute a way out.

So I’d say go with the flow and trust your intuition. If 5 meetings a week sounds like the right thing now, go for it!

DriGuy

You are way past needing to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway; Welcome to recovery! I went through the same thing, I think it may be a universal phenomenon to feel so much joy, freedom, pride, and personal fulfillment that you feel the need to shout it to the world, only to find that many people simply don't get it. All they do is note that you say you have stopped drinking. They may approve, but the emotions you are experiencing are foreign to them, the reasons for the emotions are also foreign.

For me, the personal contact in AA was where I could share my joy in sobriety, and almost everyone understood, because they simply get it. It's a different crowd entirely because they are focused on one thing that most people don't even have to think about. You can find that understanding here too. SR wasn't known to me when I turned the corner in my life. Maybe it didn't even exist.

So what to you do with these just ordinary regular people that wish you well, but can never in a million years understand your emotional experience? This is where you can draw upon some of the new skills you are learning by showing them patience and understanding. They simply don't need to be as excited as you are, and you need not expect that from them. There are others that do, and you can share it all with them. This new crowd doesn't have to be your best friends forever, and you can still maintain friendships with your old friends (well some of them anyway), but understand and accept their inability to relate to you on that one single issue. Other than that one thing, nothing else about your relationship with them needs to change.

Good luck with this. Heck, you don't need luck. You are bright and will handle this with grace.

ToughChoices

This forum is such a blessing!

I am regularly amazed by the wealth of knowledge and care I consistently see here. Some in AA who struggle with the concept of God as a Higher Power are encouraged to use the group, itself, as the source of their power to change. And THIS place (SR) gives credence to that idea!

It is so encouraging to speak with others who have struggled and overcome! It is so helpful to hear wiser parties gently (and sometimes not so gently!) advise about obstacles commonly faced!

SR is an incredible recovery tool. Some people quit using ONLY SR. I’m messy enough that I need MULTIPLE recovery tools (AA, therapy, SR, sponsor, understanding spouse, etc…) to insure that I stay on track.

But I appreciate being reminded of SR’s importance when I start to feel disconnected. It’s wonderful to be able to journal my thoughts and ask my questions at any time of the day/night. I love the different voices here, each unique but all carrying the message “You CAN change! You ARE changing! We’re with you!”

This morning I am feeling so grateful for a community that understands my emotions. A community that can say, “Yep! I’ve been there, too!”

I thank you all! (My husband thanks you, too….now we can catch up on Stranger Things! )

-TC

kes

Hi DriGuy,

That makes total semse to me. I was chatting to an old pal just the other day and I said it's day 80.he replied day 80 of what? When I said my sobriety, he replied, oh that. like it was trivial when it's the hardest thing I've ever done. This is someone I've known for 30 years and shared a house with when we were at university together.
TBH, I was a bit annoyed but what you've just said is so true. It puts it in perspective. To him, I've quit drinking - big deal. to me I've literally changed my world around just like the blind guy I mentioned in the post above. That story has dramatic effects on everyone who hears it, they're drawn in. My story, your story, anyone on heres story is, well, you've stopped drinking, and.

That's the great thing about SR as TC and yourself rightly point out. To us our sobriety's a huge thing. It's gravity is beyond compare, turn off the computer and go out the front door and it's irrelevant to most.

Thanks DriGuy, it's nade me feel a lot better and less frustrated with friends. They don't get it because they never could even start to imagine what we've all been through. We're no longer alone with this forum, which truly is a God send.

ATB, I'm so grateful for your post

spen71

An old timer at AA once said to me "The good thing about sobriety is you get your emotions back, the downside is the emotions are not always good"

DriGuy

Even your good emotions can lead you in the wrong direction. I mentioned once in AA how joyful I was to be in recovery, but added that I tried to temper my exuberance so as not to gush so much that people would think me a bit strange. That caused a bit of laughter, but I noticed one old timer just smiling and nodding his head, with that "been there" look of acknowledgement.