Day one
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,353
Day one
Yesterday was so positive. I placed 28th out of 100 runners in my race (and that’s not separating gender and age…I’m 53 and female). I did a lot of course marking for our annual bike race. My husband and I got an important errand done and then we went on a lovely hike.
Now this morning I have an awful headache. My kitchen looks like a frat house: last night’s dinner dishes are everywhere. Still with uneaten food on them. Salmon. There is day-old salmon sitting on my counter.
Husband is furious with me. He told me that I begged him to order wine on the delivery app. He said I pestered him so much that he finally gave in. He won’t speak with me today.
Today is my little dog’s bday. I’m still in my pajamas.
I had a panic attack earlier. I thought that I texted my husband’s boss something inappropriate last night. My husband’s boss is in my bike club. He lives and rides his bike south of our home. I had put up posters advertising the bike event near his home. But ppl sometimes are impolite and take them down. So I asked him to keep an eye on them for me so that I didn’t have to go down there and check on them. I was down in his neck of the woods and I saw that a few of the posters were missing. This bike event benefits their hospital (both my husband and his boss are physicians). Anyway my husband’s boss (nor his wife) ever help out with this (huge) event. Idk why they don’t volunteer or help. They just don’t. He just rides the event. I spend a lot of time putting up posters all over the county. And I do course marking. Which isn’t difficult, but is time consuming. Anyway when I get intoxicated I sometimes get very entitled and impolite. And I swore that I wrote “thanks John for keeping an eye on those posters like I asked you to do”. Which is completely mean and snarky. And inappropriate. And I was dying this morning.
What is this life I’m creating? What happens at 5pm where I sort of lose all ability to find some shred of decorum and live like a spoiled brat?I know that I can’t drink “just one”. At least not in the last decade.
So I checked my phone this morning. Thank gosh. I never wrote the text to my husband’s boss.
I can’t stand this life. I have no desire to drink during the day. It’s only like on a Fri/Sat night. I had nothing to do today.
I will try harder. I’m sorry. I know I build up some sobriety and then I crash hard. I mean I drank a lot last night. I’m small. I look like a bloated ballon today.
Now this morning I have an awful headache. My kitchen looks like a frat house: last night’s dinner dishes are everywhere. Still with uneaten food on them. Salmon. There is day-old salmon sitting on my counter.
Husband is furious with me. He told me that I begged him to order wine on the delivery app. He said I pestered him so much that he finally gave in. He won’t speak with me today.
Today is my little dog’s bday. I’m still in my pajamas.
I had a panic attack earlier. I thought that I texted my husband’s boss something inappropriate last night. My husband’s boss is in my bike club. He lives and rides his bike south of our home. I had put up posters advertising the bike event near his home. But ppl sometimes are impolite and take them down. So I asked him to keep an eye on them for me so that I didn’t have to go down there and check on them. I was down in his neck of the woods and I saw that a few of the posters were missing. This bike event benefits their hospital (both my husband and his boss are physicians). Anyway my husband’s boss (nor his wife) ever help out with this (huge) event. Idk why they don’t volunteer or help. They just don’t. He just rides the event. I spend a lot of time putting up posters all over the county. And I do course marking. Which isn’t difficult, but is time consuming. Anyway when I get intoxicated I sometimes get very entitled and impolite. And I swore that I wrote “thanks John for keeping an eye on those posters like I asked you to do”. Which is completely mean and snarky. And inappropriate. And I was dying this morning.
What is this life I’m creating? What happens at 5pm where I sort of lose all ability to find some shred of decorum and live like a spoiled brat?I know that I can’t drink “just one”. At least not in the last decade.
So I checked my phone this morning. Thank gosh. I never wrote the text to my husband’s boss.
I can’t stand this life. I have no desire to drink during the day. It’s only like on a Fri/Sat night. I had nothing to do today.
I will try harder. I’m sorry. I know I build up some sobriety and then I crash hard. I mean I drank a lot last night. I’m small. I look like a bloated ballon today.
Sober Soldier
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,911
That's how it was for me Pekelover. Drink myself to sleep every night, wake up the next morning feeling like death, dragging myself to work and cursing myself all day long, feeling repulsed by the idea of drinking, and then the switch was flipped. I would get done work and all I wanted to do was stop by the liquor store and go home and drink. I know how stuck you feel but there's a way to get unstuck. Have you thought of how you might improve your strategy?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,353
Thanks mns. I’m trying to post here more when I hear my av calling me. I also try to schedule early morning appointments so that I can’tpossibly drink the night before. I feel like such an entitled brat.
omg zenith, that’s a brilliant idea. So sad that I need to even think that way when I drink. I act worse now than I did in high school. Recently I texted something very snarky to an elderly friend. It was awful. She forgave me. (I sent flowers too!) Thisi s ridiculous. I’m a sweet person.
omg zenith, that’s a brilliant idea. So sad that I need to even think that way when I drink. I act worse now than I did in high school. Recently I texted something very snarky to an elderly friend. It was awful. She forgave me. (I sent flowers too!) Thisi s ridiculous. I’m a sweet person.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Peke, I have never forgotten those horrible panic attacks when I was sure I'd called someone and said who knows what. I'd be tearing around the house trying to figure out what I'd done. It's awful, isn't it. I know you're working hard to get and stay sober and I know you will get there. You know how to set goals and reach them and sobriety is a big goal that will make your life so much better.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
I don't know why we do it, Peke. We know taking that first drink will lead to misery, embarrassment, danger, chaos....I don't know why we sabotage ourselves by giving in to temptation when we know exactly where it will lead.
I'm a sweet person too - and always cared what other's thought of me. When drinking, I become my evil twin - a person the complete opposite of me. It just isn't worth the risk anymore. It's exhausting to recover over & over from these episodes. I hope you will get free of it.
I'm a sweet person too - and always cared what other's thought of me. When drinking, I become my evil twin - a person the complete opposite of me. It just isn't worth the risk anymore. It's exhausting to recover over & over from these episodes. I hope you will get free of it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Peke - I’m really glad you made it back.
I thInk the only way to get out of a rut is to make sure you have a recovery action plan.
Things set up so that you have support, and alternatives to drinking, at hand.
Filling your calendar is good, but when those events are over, you’re obviously still in danger.
Try and have a plan devised to help you remember that you want to take drinking off the table for good.
The really hard part is willingly doing those other things instead of drinking.
D
I thInk the only way to get out of a rut is to make sure you have a recovery action plan.
Things set up so that you have support, and alternatives to drinking, at hand.
Filling your calendar is good, but when those events are over, you’re obviously still in danger.
Try and have a plan devised to help you remember that you want to take drinking off the table for good.
The really hard part is willingly doing those other things instead of drinking.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Hi Peke, I know you are trying hard. Unfortunately, it’s pretty difficult to schedule alcohol out of your life. The change has to come from inside, and you completely have the power to do this. For me, deciding that drinking was just over changed the whole conversation. The war was over, because drinking was no longer an option. I had learned it only made everything worse, so there was no more point in it. I had to find other things to distract me at times because I wasn’t always sure what to do with myself, but drinking was not an option. When we see alcohol as the problem and sobriety as the true prize, the desire fades. In the beginning, it takes a lot of making sure you don’t put yourself in situations where you can easily drink. And come here all the time. You can do this, you’ve done hard things.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Feeling as you described peke was easy to recall and it really was awful. I felt so ashamed for so long.
I agree with Viking that it was only when I decided , I mean really decided, that I must and will stop drinking , that alcohol could no longer be a part of who I am, that things started to change. I started to change.
You can do this - searching within yourself I know you will find what is needed to do this.
I agree with Viking that it was only when I decided , I mean really decided, that I must and will stop drinking , that alcohol could no longer be a part of who I am, that things started to change. I started to change.
You can do this - searching within yourself I know you will find what is needed to do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,353
Thank you all so much for your honest replies. They’re so heart-felt:
Anna thank you for your candor. It’s an awful feeling. I have total amnesia when I drink. It sounds like you can relate a little bit. It’s awful.
You said it Hevyn: I’m my own evil twin. It’s unbelievable. Thank you for what you wrote.
Dee, I’m trying get a better plan in place! As you said, you can’t have a full calendar all of the time. And as you said, having the will to stay sober is so important.
Hi Viking! I need to get there. To Where drinking isn’t an option. You know sometimes I wish that alcohol were illegal. Sad, I know.
Thank you DF for what you wrote.
This is my life! I need to get this substance off of my radar. I really do.
Thank you all.
Anna thank you for your candor. It’s an awful feeling. I have total amnesia when I drink. It sounds like you can relate a little bit. It’s awful.
You said it Hevyn: I’m my own evil twin. It’s unbelievable. Thank you for what you wrote.
Dee, I’m trying get a better plan in place! As you said, you can’t have a full calendar all of the time. And as you said, having the will to stay sober is so important.
Hi Viking! I need to get there. To Where drinking isn’t an option. You know sometimes I wish that alcohol were illegal. Sad, I know.
Thank you DF for what you wrote.
This is my life! I need to get this substance off of my radar. I really do.
Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
What will you do differently this time?
Something needs to change. You need to identify what are the faulty tools, and perhaps discover new ones. Or maybe use some in your tool chest that have only been considered but not used?
Sounds like your husband has had enough too.
So glad you keep trying, but frustrated along with you what a hold it has on you. You CAN do this.
Dont lose everything because you won’t give up the one thing. You CAN do this. We believe in you.
How can it be done?
Something needs to change. You need to identify what are the faulty tools, and perhaps discover new ones. Or maybe use some in your tool chest that have only been considered but not used?
Sounds like your husband has had enough too.
So glad you keep trying, but frustrated along with you what a hold it has on you. You CAN do this.
Dont lose everything because you won’t give up the one thing. You CAN do this. We believe in you.
How can it be done?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi Peke,
You need a mindset change. Drinking just can’t be an option.
It’s ok to try and control the circumstances, but you won’t be able to fill every morning with activities, eventually you will have to just say no to drinking.
How can you get yourself to that mindset? Could you go to a meeting, or talk to a counsellor, maybe read materials, or watch videos on recovery?
It has to be something different than you tried before, something out there will work for you.
You can do this.
You need a mindset change. Drinking just can’t be an option.
It’s ok to try and control the circumstances, but you won’t be able to fill every morning with activities, eventually you will have to just say no to drinking.
How can you get yourself to that mindset? Could you go to a meeting, or talk to a counsellor, maybe read materials, or watch videos on recovery?
It has to be something different than you tried before, something out there will work for you.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
It takes a lot to quit drinking and to stay the course. A lot of determination and a lot of grit in the beginning. Its very very hard work initially.
That being said, If you really want sobriety and you want to be free of alcohol, then the only step to take is to not drink when the thoughts come barreling through your mind. You are stronger than those thoughts.
I created a very structured daily routine to get off of alcohol:
Wake
Post on SR
Exercise of some sort (running weights or both)
Eat breakfast. Shower. Work.
After work, I made a hot tea of Chamomile or Tulsi
Bath
Dinner
SR and bed.
Reading
Sleep
I would not allow the structure to be broken by thoughts of drinking. I had a lot of drinking thoughts in the beginning. I knew if I wanted to get better, I had no choice but to see those thoughts through and live in the discomfort. I was uncomfortable for a very long time. Lots of anxiety. Lots of repetitive thinking. Lots of unhealthy stuff going on.
One day at a time I made it through. You can do this, Peke. You can take back your life from alcohol and the grip it has on you. You are not alone. Many of us have gone through the same exact thing. Do not be defeated and do not let the alcohol win! You are stronger than the thoughts.
That being said, If you really want sobriety and you want to be free of alcohol, then the only step to take is to not drink when the thoughts come barreling through your mind. You are stronger than those thoughts.
I created a very structured daily routine to get off of alcohol:
Wake
Post on SR
Exercise of some sort (running weights or both)
Eat breakfast. Shower. Work.
After work, I made a hot tea of Chamomile or Tulsi
Bath
Dinner
SR and bed.
Reading
Sleep
I would not allow the structure to be broken by thoughts of drinking. I had a lot of drinking thoughts in the beginning. I knew if I wanted to get better, I had no choice but to see those thoughts through and live in the discomfort. I was uncomfortable for a very long time. Lots of anxiety. Lots of repetitive thinking. Lots of unhealthy stuff going on.
One day at a time I made it through. You can do this, Peke. You can take back your life from alcohol and the grip it has on you. You are not alone. Many of us have gone through the same exact thing. Do not be defeated and do not let the alcohol win! You are stronger than the thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: East Coast US
Posts: 1,828
Peke,
I too recently had a bad relapse for one day, it was just this past Friday. I don’t have time to write more right now about what happened and what I plan to change going forward, but in the coming days I will.
We know we can do this.
Hang in there.
LHW
I too recently had a bad relapse for one day, it was just this past Friday. I don’t have time to write more right now about what happened and what I plan to change going forward, but in the coming days I will.
We know we can do this.
Hang in there.
LHW
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I found that as long as I left the option to drink open, in the back of my mind, the day would come when I would. There is always some reason or another. The only way to preclude that from happening is take the option off the table permanently. It kills the AV after awhile.
Peke, have you read the Rational Recovery book, by Jack Trimpey?
Peke, have you read the Rational Recovery book, by Jack Trimpey?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Think back to the moments after your race. What went through your head when you decided you needed/wanted/deserved a drink? What was your inner monologue like as you thought about drinking, considered the options, bargained with yourself about how much you would have? Identify that voice. Your addictive voice.
One thing that helped me tremendously early in recovery, something I learned here, was to externalize and name that voice. Anytime it spoke up, I'd observe it and then shut it down. There were times I started to feel like I was developing a second personality - but it worked. Slowly that voice got quieter and quieter as I removed its oxygen. And now I don't hear it all. The piece of me that cared about, rationalized and romanticized alcohol molted off. The lie that I would never be happy, social, or "normal" again fell away.
How are you feeling today?
One thing that helped me tremendously early in recovery, something I learned here, was to externalize and name that voice. Anytime it spoke up, I'd observe it and then shut it down. There were times I started to feel like I was developing a second personality - but it worked. Slowly that voice got quieter and quieter as I removed its oxygen. And now I don't hear it all. The piece of me that cared about, rationalized and romanticized alcohol molted off. The lie that I would never be happy, social, or "normal" again fell away.
How are you feeling today?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,353
Mr.PL, Mizz, Advbike, Evoo, and Love: Thank you all so much! I savored all that you wrote.
I’ve been sober since Monday.
Last night was my Friday night (so to speak). And I got through it! I’m trying to be more my full of staying in routine. Alcohol just cannot be an option right now.
The night before last I had a lot of time to kill so I went in to our local trail system at about 7:15 pm. I planned to run for 55 minutes but I took a wrong turn and didn’t get out of it until close to 9 o’clock. It truly kicked my you-know-what because I only usually run about 4-5miles in the trails but I ended up doing seven. But I slept like a baby! I need to be more regimented in my daily life and have more of a routine.
This week I finished course marking all 160 miles of one of the bike routes for our annual bike event. Registration is this evening at a local tap room so I’ll be volunteering for that too. Early tomorrow is also more registration and bib pick-up. Very excited for it. And happy that it’ll be over too.
i need to remember that alcohol isn’t an option.
I’ve been sober since Monday.
Last night was my Friday night (so to speak). And I got through it! I’m trying to be more my full of staying in routine. Alcohol just cannot be an option right now.
The night before last I had a lot of time to kill so I went in to our local trail system at about 7:15 pm. I planned to run for 55 minutes but I took a wrong turn and didn’t get out of it until close to 9 o’clock. It truly kicked my you-know-what because I only usually run about 4-5miles in the trails but I ended up doing seven. But I slept like a baby! I need to be more regimented in my daily life and have more of a routine.
This week I finished course marking all 160 miles of one of the bike routes for our annual bike event. Registration is this evening at a local tap room so I’ll be volunteering for that too. Early tomorrow is also more registration and bib pick-up. Very excited for it. And happy that it’ll be over too.
i need to remember that alcohol isn’t an option.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Good job getting through the week sober. It sounds like you'll be having a fun weekend. Peke, I think you'll find that, by telling yourself alcohol isn't an option, your mind will begin to offer new and healthy options for you. Be open to it. 
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