kes

Hi folks,

This was a theme posted on a different forum. Just wondered what you guys think.

My response is a resounding no, not at all.
It can happen to anyone, like other diseases, Noone asks or wants the condition, it just happens. It's classless like cancer. People who have such a condition (like cancer) generally have no shame, nor do their families.
I lost two brothers, one to cancer the other to heroin. The brother who died of cancer had the support of everyone, friends and famiily alike. My other bro' died alone. Everyone seemed to turn their back.
To me their conditions were very much alike. One has social stigma, the other social support.
I would like to hear your thoughts as I'd like to work in the field of addiction, as a career change, and nobody is better qualified to answer than you guys out there!

BW,

Kes

DriGuy

To be honest, I was ashamed of myself for embracing and feeding my alcoholism. I was ashamed of my behavior. Alcoholism was just a bad hand I was dealt, and there is no shame in being dealt a losing hand. But it is a shame to keep playing that hand and upping the ante thinking that by some miraculous intervention you will still win the game.

Pekelover2

I agree 100% with driguy. I was/am ashamed of my behavior.

But also, I am ashamed that I have a drinking problem. I sure as heck try to keep a secret.

Kaily

No.

I was self medicating with alcohol due to trauma, neglect and abuse. I asked for help many times and was always refused. I am only human and something had to give, I became an alcoholic. No shame.

I am proud of fighting my demons and getting sober despite many difficulties.

We are what we are

kes

Hi PL2,

Thanks for your honesty.

It's a point of view I struggle to understand.

I will tell anyone I'm an alcoholic (in recovery) If they find it umcomfartable, I see it as their issue, not mine. That's me all over.

Thanks again, interesting how we have the same condition but are poles apart on how we view it.

Behappy1

I am very ashamed. But I think drinking kept me ashamed, guilt ridden etc. Now that I am not drinking (although it's only been 5 months). I find that the shame is still there. But there is also pride. Pride because I know that I am pulling myself out of this self created, self dug pit. It is THE hardest thing that I have ever done. I am also finding that people are supportive. I am sure that there are many behind my back that talk/gossip. But those closest to me are supportive. Even some who are not close to me are as well.

I am finding out that the only way is through it. Can't get around or over the shame. Did I choose this path? Not knowingly, but I had many chances to stop along the way and I did not.

kes

"We are what we are"

Thanks Kaily totally agree.

In AA meetings I've even heard how people would get their "supply" from different shops, Why?!!. Baffles me to the core.

mns1

I appreciate this thread kes as I find this topic very fascinating. So I'd love to share my thoughts and hear what others think. Speaking only for myself and how I see things in terms of my own recovery.

I don't feel ashamed of my addiction to alcohol per se. I agree with what DriGuy said, i.e., alcoholism does seem to be a hand certain people are dealt in life, and in many cases it is correlated with things outside of our control like family history. No sense in blaming oneself for that.

I do personally have an issue with the saying, "No regrets." I believe that shame and regret are deeply-ingrained emotions that exist for our survival. It's these emotions that allow me to learn from my mistakes. I am not ashamed of my alcoholism but I regret many decisions I've made in life -- both related and unrelated to drinking -- and that is what allows me to learn from them and and not repeat them. What made these emotions a problem for me for a long time was that I identified with them. I thought of myself as a doomed screw-up who would never be able to stop drinking and amount to anything in life.

Things changed when I learned to allow myself to experience those feelings in a better cognitive context. I learned to see myself as not only a perfectly fallible human being capable of making mistakes, but more importantly an adaptive human being capable of self-improvement and growth as a direct result of those mistakes. And part of what drives that growth are the shame and regret that are perfectly natural to feel when I make a bad decision and suffer the consequences. Nothing more to it. Just part of being human.

TacoDude

There is no shame in being a recovered alcoholic, quite the contrary: while I was drinking, I felt shame for it, which created an endless cycle of rinse and repeat. Once sober and on the path to recovery, I could finally feel remorse for the damage my addiction caused to self and others and move deeper into what led me there in the first place. I believe there is a phrase in AA – “grateful alcoholics”, which to me, means that recovery creates the opportunity to face one’s demons. Some of the most courageous and spiritually evolved humans I know are recovered addicts.

kes

Hi, M1,

A well balanced and structured response. Thanks

I'm not for one minute suggesting I'm right M1, I have an opinion which other members think isn't balanced or logical. I'm just calling it as I see it.

I too find in fascinating how we see our condition from different angles. I agree with a lot of what you say. I feel shame and guilt on lots of issues. I would feel guilt and shame if I cheated on a partner, as this would be something I chose to do.

I honestly feel I didn't have a say in my addiction. I enjoyed something ie alcohol and before I knew it, I was in too deep.

When I headed to the shop 8am, in the rain, for my "supplies" I used to say to my friends I have no say whatsoever in this. I was remote controled, if you will, by the drink. I saw and still see myself as struck down by an horrendous disease. Nobody poured in down my throat with a funnel, but as I say, once it took hold I was helpless. I never wanted, nor asked for this to happen. It just did. I can't feel shame for something that attacked me.

Please take this in the spirit in which it's meant. I will refain from replying if anyone out there is offended by it.

Farrier

Not anymore. I don't go out of my way to share or where t-shirts celebrating my sobriety, but I don't have that shame on my shoulders anymore. I had a problem, I'm getting help and i'm succeeding. That's not shameful to me.

Dee74

I think there has to be a point where to hang on to shame is almost self indulgent.
I was ashamed of myself and my addiction…but I’m not who I was then.

As an active alcoholic it was like I was lost in the woods for years, but was a few trees from a highway to take me home.

I really did have a say.
I learned better so I did better.


I regret many things still - I hurt a lot of people - but I’ve worked hard rebuilding my life and at making amends

Cityboy

I think that in turning to alcohol as a teenager, a lot of beneficial things about how to live life properly (at least what I now consider to be properly) were not learned. I still feel guilty and embarrassed about many things I've done and said, or didn't do or say, a great many of which would have been differently had I never turned to alcohol.

Not going to speculate as to what would be shameful for someone else. We are all different, with different tendencies, and different types and levels of difficulties. I don't think of it as having been shameful to have used alcohol as a coping mechanism. It would be shameful if I continued to drink now, knowing what I now know.

Anna

This is so very true. And, I wallowed in the self-indulgence of shame for too long. I think many of us do feel shame for becoming alcoholics. But, there is a time when we have to move past that.

calmself

I felt ashamed because it's a condition that I could come out of I wanted to, but unfortunately, I didn't want to. It was not like I couldn't, but chose not to. Guess it is the same for any addiction. Also, the fact that alcohol is a progressive condition made it worse. By the way, I am more than 9 months sober now!!! Why? Because I chose to.

brighterday1234

I was ashamed to be a drunk. I’m a very grateful alcoholic 🙏

dustyfox

Interesting thread - shame is only useful if it triggers change - as in change for the a better, happier life. After that shame is just something that is not useful or helpful at all. We do not need to live with shame, it is something that should be put aside.
However, if we were considering relapsing, then bringing shame out for a quick visit may help to remind us what an unpleasant visitor shame is.

Radix

I think this is a good topic for conversation, so thanks for posting.

I find it easy to feel guilty for things I've done that I wish I hadn't done. And I feel ashamed that for a long time, I wasn't sufficiently interested in making changes. These feelings are even useful, is as much as they are motivating. Even for things that are a long way in the past, if you feel a twinge of guilt or shame about them, that's motivation to do better.

A guilty feeling is like a message from your best self, saying "don't do that again."

But I also don't those feelings loom out of proportion. I do lots of good things, too, at least I try to. And I did made those necessary changes: I quit drinking. So hopefully I live in the present, and spend most of my introspective moments reflecting on who I am now, as opposed to feeling too much remorse for things that happened long ago.

All of that said, I don't find the statement "I'm ashamed to be an alcoholic" to be of much use. Shame and guilt are only useful feelings if you can connect them to something that you can change.

Evoo

This is complicated for me!

I no longer feel shame about being a person who cannot and should not drink. Anyone can become an alcoholic. So I've let go of the extreme hatred I had for my former, addicted self. I have far more empathy for past me.

I do have some shame/regret about lost time and missed opportunities due to the alcohol, but I also recognize that time is a funny thing. I'll reference one of my favorite quotes:

"There are many parts of my youth that I'm not proud of… there were loose threads… untidy parts of me that I would like to remove. But when I pulled on one of those threads… it unraveled the tapestry of my life." - Jean-Luc Picard (Star Trek TNG: Tapestry - a beautiful episode if you haven't seen it).

As many regrets that I have, if you completely remove those years I'd have dated different people, moved to different cities, have different friends, pursued different ambitions... my family as it is now probably won't even exist. I can count hundreds of forks in the road where alcohol played a role, for better or for worse.

But in this beautiful moment, I am happy and blessed. My former addiction has given me perspective, empathy, understanding about the human condition that I might not otherwise have. I know what it's like to experience the mortal terror of withdrawals and night terrors. I know to treat people with kindness because you never know what someone is going through.

I certainly don't need shame to drive me into this new, beautiful, sober chapter of my life. So I leave that behind, too. I'm a different person.

Mizz

When I was suffering from alcoholism I was very ashamed. I am no longer suffering from alcoholism.

The only way I do not suffer from alcoholism or alcohol use disorder, or being alcoholic, is from abstinence. I think of this as active and non active. There is freedom in my mind without the harsh labels. Alcoholic or alcoholism does not promote empowerment to me. I want to feel empowered and responsible for myself. I do not want to feel like I have zero control and feel disempowered. Which are two things I chronically felt for years.

Anyone can become addicted to alcohol at any time. Our culture promotes the use of alcohol in every way imaginable. The industry being billions of dollars a year. I just looked up how much alcohol was sold in the US in 2021, and the amount was 7.7 billion dollars. That is a whole lot of money to be made off of a highly addictive substance. Highly addictive to just about anyone.

So, I don't feel shame any longer. I don't like the 10+ years of struggle I had with alcohol. There was a lot of shame in active addiction, alcoholism, or alcoholic. I don't have to like all that stuff in the past. I accept that I cannot use alcohol in my life, and can move forward with a healthier self in all areas.

Today I am free from a very destructive liquid that once consumed me. I feel strong and capable. I do not feel that labels, with negative connotations, serve me in my life. Alcoholism is a negative for me.

I do feel bad when I use the word Alcoholic or Alcoholism. Its not like the two words carry positive weight, to be honest. So, I don't use them for my life story, and because I am no longer engaged in drinking a highly addictive substance, I don't identify with the use of those words.

This is what I think today about my former problem with alcohol almost two years into sobriety. I think this is what recovered can look like. Only recovered in abstinence.

I think I answered this in another section of the forum. Ive been thinking a lot about this the last few days and my response above is a more detailed, clear, and a bit more concrete as to where I am these days.