Wife in Rehab for another week wants to separate when she gets home.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
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You need to protect your children and your credit rating, Burl.
I’m so happy that you’re wife said hello to you during the FaceTime call. I know how much that meant to you.
You’re doing an amazing job. You cleaned the house, got the kids ready for the school year!! Please (please) vent here to us. You need to do that. You’ve juggling a heck of a lot. This is a really tough time. I’m sorry that your family sort of thinks that she walks on water. I mean, don’t they feel for you right now? You’re going through so much. If you were my son/brother/cousin I’d try to see both sides.
Anyway, we’re hear for you. Sending you positive thoughts.
I’m so happy that you’re wife said hello to you during the FaceTime call. I know how much that meant to you.
You’re doing an amazing job. You cleaned the house, got the kids ready for the school year!! Please (please) vent here to us. You need to do that. You’ve juggling a heck of a lot. This is a really tough time. I’m sorry that your family sort of thinks that she walks on water. I mean, don’t they feel for you right now? You’re going through so much. If you were my son/brother/cousin I’d try to see both sides.
Anyway, we’re hear for you. Sending you positive thoughts.
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Join Date: Aug 2022
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Thank you to all the replies.
So I am going for a lawyer consultation tomorrow. Actually an acquaintance of mine who isn't charging me for the consult. I just want to know what I can and cant do if this continues down the path of separation and ultimately the D word. I don't want that for sure. I want to make sure it want look bad on me to make any changes on stuff ect. I will continue to keep some money for her bc she is my wife and I would not strand her I'm not that guy. I believe her mom will let her stay for a couple days but thats it. Her dad is a narcissist and would prey on this situation. We had a decent conversation today with the family counselor. She says she is so clear headed and has been seeking Gods will. We even prayed together at the counselors suggestion. She prayed for soften hearts for both of us. I had 2 questions 1. meet me at your place of choice to discuss the girls and short term plans (more said), question 2 Whats your plans to tell the girls of your decision and I feel we should be in agreement of what is said and done together. She agreed to both of these. I gave her a list of promises. Support her in her sobriety, keep our house alcohol free and a safe place for her recovery, listen to her if she wants to talk, love her more than anyone can even if she doesn't love me, fight for our marriage even if she won't, etc. several more.
All I know of her return is she has booked a ticket back to our closest airport (only know this bc I saw a small charge and she used points to book the ticket). She has said she wants to get a job and get a place of her own and maybe she would stay with her mom. But her mom has not heard from her and she comes home on Monday (I do believe her mom bc she has really been upset by all this as this happened to her minus the rehab portion). Tonight was her last call until Sunday. She still hasn't told the girls she's coming home Monday (nor have I). Seems something is up. Why would you agree to open communication and meet me to talk about girls etc. but not tell them when your coming home or even just tell me where you're staying. Satan is for sure running all the scenarios through my head. boyfriends from 20 years ago etc. Ugh. Anyway last part was a vent.
And I am taking care of myself not eating much but drinking a bunch of water and working out for an hour a day. Gonna be a Stud soon!
So I am going for a lawyer consultation tomorrow. Actually an acquaintance of mine who isn't charging me for the consult. I just want to know what I can and cant do if this continues down the path of separation and ultimately the D word. I don't want that for sure. I want to make sure it want look bad on me to make any changes on stuff ect. I will continue to keep some money for her bc she is my wife and I would not strand her I'm not that guy. I believe her mom will let her stay for a couple days but thats it. Her dad is a narcissist and would prey on this situation. We had a decent conversation today with the family counselor. She says she is so clear headed and has been seeking Gods will. We even prayed together at the counselors suggestion. She prayed for soften hearts for both of us. I had 2 questions 1. meet me at your place of choice to discuss the girls and short term plans (more said), question 2 Whats your plans to tell the girls of your decision and I feel we should be in agreement of what is said and done together. She agreed to both of these. I gave her a list of promises. Support her in her sobriety, keep our house alcohol free and a safe place for her recovery, listen to her if she wants to talk, love her more than anyone can even if she doesn't love me, fight for our marriage even if she won't, etc. several more.
All I know of her return is she has booked a ticket back to our closest airport (only know this bc I saw a small charge and she used points to book the ticket). She has said she wants to get a job and get a place of her own and maybe she would stay with her mom. But her mom has not heard from her and she comes home on Monday (I do believe her mom bc she has really been upset by all this as this happened to her minus the rehab portion). Tonight was her last call until Sunday. She still hasn't told the girls she's coming home Monday (nor have I). Seems something is up. Why would you agree to open communication and meet me to talk about girls etc. but not tell them when your coming home or even just tell me where you're staying. Satan is for sure running all the scenarios through my head. boyfriends from 20 years ago etc. Ugh. Anyway last part was a vent.
And I am taking care of myself not eating much but drinking a bunch of water and working out for an hour a day. Gonna be a Stud soon!
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
The first thing she might do getting out is to clear out that account. Protect your kid’s finances and your own. Your own account, with information about how to access not in the home if she returns is best.
Very very tough situation, but you are doing a great job looking after kids and keeping things afloat. Remember to take care of yourself and eat healthy, drink water, and try and get some rest when you can.
It might be best for her to go stay with her folks when she gets out at least initially—is that possible? You could take kids to see her and both of you still have space to breathe and maybe sort things out without trying to con-habitate.
With the kids in your home, the discussions / arguments could be pretty hard on them to witness.
Very very tough situation, but you are doing a great job looking after kids and keeping things afloat. Remember to take care of yourself and eat healthy, drink water, and try and get some rest when you can.
It might be best for her to go stay with her folks when she gets out at least initially—is that possible? You could take kids to see her and both of you still have space to breathe and maybe sort things out without trying to con-habitate.
With the kids in your home, the discussions / arguments could be pretty hard on them to witness.
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Join Date: Aug 2022
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Hey I should clarify my family thinks that now, but they dont know whats been going on or whats going on. They do know shes in rehab, but I have sheltered them from everything including the recent separation request. Thank you for your comments. sometimes I feel taking care of everything was the right thing, and now sometimes I don't bc I think thats y she wants her independence I did everything for so long and never made her feel bad (most of the time, I'm human). I have tried to be the best husband and partner to her. And I know yall dont know me, but I am 100% honest God as my witness. She has never lacked anything (credit card for proof), always had affection from me even when it wasn't returned, and I always supported her in her in her decisions. I have for sure facilitated the codependency.
Originally Posted by Pekelover2
You need to protect your children and your credit rating, Burl.
I’m so happy that you’re wife said hello to you during the FaceTime call. I know how much that meant to you.
You’re doing an amazing job. You cleaned the house, got the kids ready for the school year!! Please (please) vent here to us. You need to do that. You’ve juggling a heck of a lot. This is a really tough time. I’m sorry that your family sort of thinks that she walks on water. I mean, don’t they feel for you right now? You’re going through so much. If you were my son/brother/cousin I’d try to see both sides.
Anyway, we’re hear for you. Sending you positive thoughts.
I’m so happy that you’re wife said hello to you during the FaceTime call. I know how much that meant to you.
You’re doing an amazing job. You cleaned the house, got the kids ready for the school year!! Please (please) vent here to us. You need to do that. You’ve juggling a heck of a lot. This is a really tough time. I’m sorry that your family sort of thinks that she walks on water. I mean, don’t they feel for you right now? You’re going through so much. If you were my son/brother/cousin I’d try to see both sides.
Anyway, we’re hear for you. Sending you positive thoughts.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,339
I understand what you’re saying when you say that you shielded your family from a lot of her behavior. My husband has done that with respect to my behavior. He hides it from both of our families.
This is a very complex situation. I’m glad that your seeing a lawyer friend for some guidance. I understand that you want to set some money aside for her and that’s very kind of you. I hope that this friend gives you some concrete facts about what could happen if you two decide to separate. I know that ultimately you don’t want to get a divorce but I think it’s important that you ask those questions pertaining to it just in case.
am I understanding correctly that she’s coming home this Monday?
This is a very complex situation. I’m glad that your seeing a lawyer friend for some guidance. I understand that you want to set some money aside for her and that’s very kind of you. I hope that this friend gives you some concrete facts about what could happen if you two decide to separate. I know that ultimately you don’t want to get a divorce but I think it’s important that you ask those questions pertaining to it just in case.
am I understanding correctly that she’s coming home this Monday?
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Join Date: Aug 2022
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Thank Peke
Yes shes coming "home" back to our state at least. She hasn't said that directly. she has said when she comes home she is getting her own place and a job. she has a ticket to the closest commercial airport to our home. But I know almost 100% she assent coming to OUR home.
Yes shes coming "home" back to our state at least. She hasn't said that directly. she has said when she comes home she is getting her own place and a job. she has a ticket to the closest commercial airport to our home. But I know almost 100% she assent coming to OUR home.
Originally Posted by Pekelover2
I understand what you’re saying when you say that you shielded your family from a lot of her behavior. My husband has done that with respect to my behavior. He hides it from both of our families.
This is a very complex situation. I’m glad that your seeing a lawyer friend for some guidance. I understand that you want to set some money aside for her and that’s very kind of you. I hope that this friend gives you some concrete facts about what could happen if you two decide to separate. I know that ultimately you don’t want to get a divorce but I think it’s important that you ask those questions pertaining to it just in case.
am I understanding correctly that she’s coming home this Monday?
This is a very complex situation. I’m glad that your seeing a lawyer friend for some guidance. I understand that you want to set some money aside for her and that’s very kind of you. I hope that this friend gives you some concrete facts about what could happen if you two decide to separate. I know that ultimately you don’t want to get a divorce but I think it’s important that you ask those questions pertaining to it just in case.
am I understanding correctly that she’s coming home this Monday?
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Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 7
Hello Burl, I tried to PM but I don't have enough posts yet. I am going through a similar experience and another member suggested we get together and maybe share stories. Im not even sure i can help you other than to let you know that someone else has similar situation. My wife and I have been married for 7 years, have two little girls, 2 and 4. Our relationship has always had alcohol in it from the beginning. I've moved past the let's drink to get wasted phase but she has struggled with stopping once she starts. It's not every night or even every week but when there's a stressor she will start and not stop until she is falling down. The occurrences have steadily grown to be more frequent with two Sundays ago being the last major incident that pointed out to both of us she needed help. We both agreed for her to go into rehab. She's been there for 10 days now. The first few days we talked like normal and she called regularly and always to tell girls good night. Then on the 5th day she called to say she needed space and wouldn't be calling me regularly but would still call the kids nightly. I was disappointed but supported her decision. The next night she called, talked to kids, and then I said good night I love you and she said we have alot to talk about. The next subsequent nights she has hung up prior to me getting on the phone. I'm a little at a loss and have things running through my head and really just want to talk with her. I'm learning to not stress it and to just take care of the kids and business with house but it's very difficult to not think our marriage is in jeopardy. If you'd like to chat privately and share experiences let me know.
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Originally Posted by Airforcedad
Hello Burl, I tried to PM but I don't have enough posts yet. I am going through a similar experience and another member suggested we get together and maybe share stories. Im not even sure i can help you other than to let you know that someone else has similar situation. My wife and I have been married for 7 years, have two little girls, 2 and 4. Our relationship has always had alcohol in it from the beginning. I've moved past the let's drink to get wasted phase but she has struggled with stopping once she starts. It's not every night or even every week but when there's a stressor she will start and not stop until she is falling down. The occurrences have steadily grown to be more frequent with two Sundays ago being the last major incident that pointed out to both of us she needed help. We both agreed for her to go into rehab. She's been there for 10 days now. The first few days we talked like normal and she called regularly and always to tell girls good night. Then on the 5th day she called to say she needed space and wouldn't be calling me regularly but would still call the kids nightly. I was disappointed but supported her decision. The next night she called, talked to kids, and then I said good night I love you and she said we have alot to talk about. The next subsequent nights she has hung up prior to me getting on the phone. I'm a little at a loss and have things running through my head and really just want to talk with her. I'm learning to not stress it and to just take care of the kids and business with house but it's very difficult to not think our marriage is in jeopardy. If you'd like to chat privately and share experiences let me know.
hey Airforcedad. Very sorry for my slow reply. I sounds very familiar except the call volume for us was way way less so I went from a getting a call at her check in to rehab after the detox and over a week later a call where I could tell things weren’t right. I’m regretting a bit not finding a place that may try to keep the family unit together more. I have a feeling this is bit the case where my wife is. We have had some decent counseling sessions(2) this week and she’s still seems to have her mind made up but still no plan. It does appear from the convo I had with the family counselor that she is considering coming home as an option which had not been an option for so long. So my point is it does seem to change. I’m hoping once she gets out of this place and back into reality that things may began to sink in. Right now they have so many other people in their ear and it’s such a controlled environment. I have really seemed to find comfort in my faith (Christian for me). Praying praying praying. Now that’s for me. But find you something that can ease your trauma (non substance obviously) do what works for you. On my end I should find out tomorrow night (day before she comes back) what my wife’s plan is.
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Burl, I'm hopeful for you and your family! I believe in the saying we are never given more than we can handle. You are very strong person and many prayers that your family will come through this stronger than ever.
My wife will be back tomorrow, 2 weeks short, after being kicked out of program for "sending notes" to a dude. She called to speak with me rather than kids today and explained the situation...I didn't know what to say...it was always in the back of my head but never thought she would search outside our marriage. I pick her up tomorrow and will be taking her to the base mental health to come up with a plan. I believe she will face some sort of disciplinary actions from her commander for getting kicked out and that will add to her stress...I'm sorta at a loss for words with the situation and will see how it plays out tomorrow. Our kids have been troopers, of course they miss their mom but we've been able to come up with activities to send her and that excites them. I've been working out also and have found yoga to be quite helpful. I'd recommend it if you aren't quite sure there are tons of videos on YouTube. Prayers your way!
My wife will be back tomorrow, 2 weeks short, after being kicked out of program for "sending notes" to a dude. She called to speak with me rather than kids today and explained the situation...I didn't know what to say...it was always in the back of my head but never thought she would search outside our marriage. I pick her up tomorrow and will be taking her to the base mental health to come up with a plan. I believe she will face some sort of disciplinary actions from her commander for getting kicked out and that will add to her stress...I'm sorta at a loss for words with the situation and will see how it plays out tomorrow. Our kids have been troopers, of course they miss their mom but we've been able to come up with activities to send her and that excites them. I've been working out also and have found yoga to be quite helpful. I'd recommend it if you aren't quite sure there are tons of videos on YouTube. Prayers your way!
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I wish I had good news to follow up with. My wife left rehab with a man she met the 1st week. Apparently the staff approved of this after a while. She moved out of state and is living her best life. I am not really upset anymore. Its going to be a long road but just continuing in my faith. I have realized that I will actually probably be better for this. I never really felt loved the last few years unless she was intoxicated. I feel horrible for our children. My heart aches more for them then anything. I will continue to be their constant. My wife was a really good mother and wife, and with continued sobriety she will be again. This disease is still effecting her badly, however there are something that a marriage just cant overcome, and at this point I do not see me being able to pursue her any further even if she returned tomorrow. The lord will provide a good woman for me down the line. Right now time to focus on the Kids!
Originally Posted by Airforcedad
Burl, I'm hopeful for you and your family! I believe in the saying we are never given more than we can handle. You are very strong person and many prayers that your family will come through this stronger than ever.
My wife will be back tomorrow, 2 weeks short, after being kicked out of program for "sending notes" to a dude. She called to speak with me rather than kids today and explained the situation...I didn't know what to say...it was always in the back of my head but never thought she would search outside our marriage. I pick her up tomorrow and will be taking her to the base mental health to come up with a plan. I believe she will face some sort of disciplinary actions from her commander for getting kicked out and that will add to her stress...I'm sorta at a loss for words with the situation and will see how it plays out tomorrow. Our kids have been troopers, of course they miss their mom but we've been able to come up with activities to send her and that excites them. I've been working out also and have found yoga to be quite helpful. I'd recommend it if you aren't quite sure there are tons of videos on YouTube. Prayers your way!
My wife will be back tomorrow, 2 weeks short, after being kicked out of program for "sending notes" to a dude. She called to speak with me rather than kids today and explained the situation...I didn't know what to say...it was always in the back of my head but never thought she would search outside our marriage. I pick her up tomorrow and will be taking her to the base mental health to come up with a plan. I believe she will face some sort of disciplinary actions from her commander for getting kicked out and that will add to her stress...I'm sorta at a loss for words with the situation and will see how it plays out tomorrow. Our kids have been troopers, of course they miss their mom but we've been able to come up with activities to send her and that excites them. I've been working out also and have found yoga to be quite helpful. I'd recommend it if you aren't quite sure there are tons of videos on YouTube. Prayers your way!
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Burl, I’m sorry to hear that this is how things transpired. (I won’t even go into the fact that I though “rehab” meant “rehabilitation” and not pairing off into friendships…what on earth…??)
Back to *you*:
I’m so proud of you for digging deep and for realizing that you have not felt loved in this relationship. (At least not as of late). You are an amazing father. You have put your children first and that shows your character.
I’m sorry that things aren’t working out with your wife. But this isn’t a healthy relationship. A good relationship gives you joy, energy and stability. I don’t feel that your wife could give you any of these things is the midst of her disease.
Your kids will be okay. They have you. And when your wife gets better, they’ll have the both of you.
Please take care of yourself. Please try to eat healthy and get some rest. I know it hurts.
Back to *you*:
I’m so proud of you for digging deep and for realizing that you have not felt loved in this relationship. (At least not as of late). You are an amazing father. You have put your children first and that shows your character.
I’m sorry that things aren’t working out with your wife. But this isn’t a healthy relationship. A good relationship gives you joy, energy and stability. I don’t feel that your wife could give you any of these things is the midst of her disease.
Your kids will be okay. They have you. And when your wife gets better, they’ll have the both of you.
Please take care of yourself. Please try to eat healthy and get some rest. I know it hurts.
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Originally Posted by Burlcfii
I wish I had good news to follow up with. My wife left rehab with a man she met the 1st week. Apparently the staff approved of this after a while. She moved out of state and is living her best life. I am not really upset anymore. Its going to be a long road but just continuing in my faith. I have realized that I will actually probably be better for this. I never really felt loved the last few years unless she was intoxicated. I feel horrible for our children. My heart aches more for them then anything. I will continue to be their constant. My wife was a really good mother and wife, and with continued sobriety she will be again. This disease is still effecting her badly, however there are something that a marriage just cant overcome, and at this point I do not see me being able to pursue her any further even if she returned tomorrow. The lord will provide a good woman for me down the line. Right now time to focus on the Kids!
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Thanks All. Its been a trying week for sure. I ended up seeking emergency custody of my kids. I spoke with my wife on Thursday for the first time at length. Almost an hour conversation. She understood exactly why I did what I did with regards to the custody. She was very sorry she kept me in the dark so much. She came in to town today (Friday) and we met. She even came to the house. We shared a really good moment of truth, hugged and even told each other we loved each other. I went and got our 3 girls from my mothers and she came back about 2 hours later. She broke the news to them (the entire truth). It was really tough. My oldest (12) was devastated. we all shared hugs and tears. Even my wife and I. The lord has really put it on my heart to keep everything as easy as it can be for the kids. My wife and I are going to try and keep a good friendship. We shared several special moments when she left tonight. Although she was going back to a hotel with another man, I was a somewhat of a peace. Has to be the good lord. I set boundaries with her today (first time ever). Including my kids will not be traveling out of state to visit her, she will have to come here. I also told her because of her decision to live in another state with another man I will not be able to financially support her anymore. I told her she can stay with us in our home anytime she comes to see the girls. I don't know I have always been so accommodating for her but I want whats best for our kids. I feel like not supporting her financially is my first real step in not enabling her. I have been talking with my oldest a-lot tonight she is very upset. Especially about the other man. It's going to be a long road, but I'm going to continue to take care of my kids. I could tell a big difference in my wife when she was home away from the guy and with us and the kids. She even said you never know what will happen. I just told her our God is a God of miracles. I don't know where I am with her, infidelity is a big ticket item for me so we will have to see. She was my first true love. The only one I gave my full self to (not a shamed of that). I continue to pray for soften hearts. I don't know what the future holds other than I will be here for my girls and I will only speak positive about their mother to them. Today was a tough day, not something I wanted at all. However its done and we will continue to push on. My wife and I are going to try and be friends again. She obviously wants that and I do too, but I am also trying to guard my heart.
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Thanks again all. Sorry I haven't posted its been such a week. My kids are devastated, however not they are just acting as all is normal. Mommy calls when its convenient. Today was back to school for the older two. Who handled everything yesterday and today? Wed my youngest starts Kindergarten and her mommy wont be here. My lord why does this happen. I don't even care about her and I anymore I'm past that but my kids. My little love, this is a big milestone. Daddy is here. Wow its just unbelievable. And she is away asking for pictures and saying oh they look so grown. Last week she was fine with the custody order I got, until she got back out of state and received the custody order and read what was in it, and how she was represented. now she is getting a lawyer. Ok thats fine. Good luck with that. She got to come home at the end of last week and break our kids hearts and leave and I had to pick up the pieces. its not right. shes so sick and thinks she so well. The woman I am talking to is not her. She's not drunk but it must be her medication. No emotion. She had emotion when she saw the girls for the first time, but no emotion when she told them everything. everyone was upset including me. but she didnt. I still dont think shes right. Ugh, unfortunately she has made decisions that cant be taken back. I mean im serious does this happen? A pretty dang good marriage go to separation and adultery in less then a month in a rehab facility. Please if you have love ones sick do not send them to The Haven or The Recovery Team. It is horrible.
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