I feel I've hit my bottom
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Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 11
I feel I've hit my bottom
I'm not an alcoholic but I feel like my whole sense of self has been hijacked by one and outside of grieving the death of a loved one, I don't think I've ever felt as low as I do right now.
We met on NYE, and hit it off wonderfully. We had a lot in common, could talk for hours, made each other laugh and smile. The connection wasn't crazy or anything, but it felt like a good solid start for a promising relationship. Things were going well for a month - we were getting to know each other better, didn't want to date anyone else, and nothing was moving too fast or two slow. It all felt right. And then one evening when we were chatting on the phone, he said he had a confession he had to make. That he is an alcoholic. He had been sober for 4 months up until one of the last dates we had, where we had some sushi and sake. And then the next when I opened up a bottle of wine for us. He broke his sobriety with me.
He was in AA, and had a sponsor. Was attending meetings and working on step-work. But he worried that I wouldn't want to date him if he had been up front. He may have been right, as I have had experience with active alcoholics before. But someone working on their recovery, I felt, was different. So we talked over some things, and he assured me that he was not continuing to drink. He slipped up because he wanted to just feel normal - to be someone without a drinking problem. That he made that mistake and was moving forward with sobriety.
I was up front and told him about my hesitations - I would not date an active alcoholic. And I wanted him to be transparent and up front if he was having struggles, issues, or if he relapsed. I didn't need a detailed report on everything, but wanted to be kept in the loop of how he was generally doing. He agreed to that, and things went back to being good. Until toward the end of that second month. He started acting differently. He'd cancel and reschedule dates a lot, with different excuses every time. It was becoming frustrating for me, and I was considering ending it. But he did. The last date he had scheduled he didn't show and didn't respond to me when I tried to contact him. He was gone. I was ghosted.
A month later, I get a text from him, apologizing for disappearing. He had, in fact, relapsed. He'd been working on getting back into sobriety and focusing on maintaining that. He had not properly learned yet how to manage certain stressors and unexpected circumstances outside of drinking and he relapsed. He wanted me to know I didn't deserve how he treated me, and he did care about me. He had a wonderful time with me and loved our time together. He wanted me to know that he wasn't just using me or taking advantage of me, but did care, even though he couldn't show it at the time. And of course I was the idiot who said that I don't fully understand alcoholism, but I could see why he acted how he did. I opened myself up to further discuss the issues w him, and said I could be a friend.
And of course that developed back into dating again. And of course things seemed to be going well for a while. He was opening up about his "excuses" previously about having to cancel and reschedule on me toward the end. Part of it was a fear of relapse and relapsing. Part of it was that he had some anxiety and trust issues as well. He was doing some work to help me trust him again and feel secure with him. And, as was previously that lasted for about a month and a half. The last time I saw him was in early June. I had my family coming into town to visit for a week, and then he was going out of the country to visit family for 2 weeks. There was a small window to where we could have met up again in between family trips, but he "got COVID." BS.
Previous to that, he had wanted to meet my family while they were in town. I talked to him about it - it was still a bit early in the relationship and we were still trying to get a good track going, and it wasn't the right time. He understood, but it did hurt his feelings a bit. I couldn't do it, though. We were about a month and a half removed from his relapse and disappearing. That was one of the most reasonable decisions I have made to date about this whole relationship, and I'm really glad I made it.
But fast-forward to his getting back from his family trip. He needed a few days to recover - so to speak - from jet lag. Completely understandable, after a 16+ hour flight and a half a day time change. We had plans to get together and oh, look at that - he caught COVID again (this would be the 3rd time he claimed to have had it in 7 months). I didn't believe him. He facetimed me, looking and sounding sick. He showed me his positive COVID test. And this time, he was sick for about a week and I had figured he'd lied previously (in part of his admission that he did make excuses when suffering from anxiety, etc), and this was actually the first time he had it.
Toward the end of the week he started making plans to meet up, and it was dependent on him testing negative. My patience was waning, and I had asked him to call a few times. He made excuses for why he couldn't even call. So, fed up, I gave him an ultimatum to call and he said he was done.
Ha! Right.
I had a feeling he'd come back around, so I sent a preemptive text. I told him how I felt. I told him he treated me terribly, and that something was going on with him. I suggested he get therapy along with AA because it wasn't working for him. I wished him the best and asked him not to contact me unless he was in a better place. And of course a week later he contacts me.
He told me he still had a gift that he'd picked up for me from when he traveled out of the country and wanted me to have it. He asked if he could stop by to drop it off. I felt strong enough to hold my own this time. I told him I wouldn't be available at home, but could meet up with him after work somewhere public.
I wasn't strong enough. He declined a public place, started talking about how this may just not be a good idea at this time. I asked him why he kept doing this to me. And then he started talking again. He'd relapsed, again, and wanted to meet up to talk about it. Tell me how sorry he was again. And that he was starting an IOP (intense outpatient program) this week and wanted to talk to me about it. So we talked about it a little. And he made a plan to stop by this Saturday to talk with me in person about it a little more.
In the interim I did learn a little more about alcoholism and sobriety. One thing I've learned is early sobriety is no different, as far as behavior, than active alcoholism. And I wasn't equipped to handle that well. This was something I told him in that text I'd sent to try to put the kibosh on his reaching out again. And I thought I was intent on setting some real boundaries between us - I'd be happy to support his recovery the best way I could, from the outside, but dating was off the table for a good while. But I was happy to learn that he was starting a program that would both work on stepwork and therapy.
He's supposed to start that today, pending an orientation to get in. That's what he told me a couple of days ago.
And now I'm a mess. I feel broken. Last night, he contacted me - texted. He told me that he'd been thinking, had talked to his mom and sponsor, and didn't want me to get mad, but he needed to do this on his own. He needed to concentrate on himself, on not drinking and on healing, and the program and couldn't meet up anymore. He wasn't going to be good to me or for me until he does this.
And you know what, he's probably right. In fact, he's absolutely right. I can understand that, but I can't reason with his choice to jerk me around again like that. I feel completely used, and disregarded. Like I was just part of his alcoholism struggle and something he just doesn't even care to face. I lost my composure about it. I told him how that felt. And that he wasn't even treating me like a human being. That I didn't want to speak to him again. That I hated him. And then I blocked him.
It was like I was trying to hurt him as much as he'd hurt me.
I did later unblock and apologize, and told him that I lost my temper, but that I still felt the way I felt. And that I do want him to succeed but the way he treated me had broken me.
And it's true. And here I am, the next day, and I feel crushed and drained. And he was absolutely right in that he didn't want to hurt me anymore and wouldn't be good for me until he was further on in his progress. I honestly think now, after a sleep and a small time away from the conversation, that he's being honest with me for the first time and really taking it seriously. Because he does need to focus on himself, and we don't need to be involved with each other right now. And I'm realizing I need to work on myself too, because I feel like such an idiot recalling all of this and realizing I welcomed this, with open arms, in to my life.
So here I am.
We met on NYE, and hit it off wonderfully. We had a lot in common, could talk for hours, made each other laugh and smile. The connection wasn't crazy or anything, but it felt like a good solid start for a promising relationship. Things were going well for a month - we were getting to know each other better, didn't want to date anyone else, and nothing was moving too fast or two slow. It all felt right. And then one evening when we were chatting on the phone, he said he had a confession he had to make. That he is an alcoholic. He had been sober for 4 months up until one of the last dates we had, where we had some sushi and sake. And then the next when I opened up a bottle of wine for us. He broke his sobriety with me.
He was in AA, and had a sponsor. Was attending meetings and working on step-work. But he worried that I wouldn't want to date him if he had been up front. He may have been right, as I have had experience with active alcoholics before. But someone working on their recovery, I felt, was different. So we talked over some things, and he assured me that he was not continuing to drink. He slipped up because he wanted to just feel normal - to be someone without a drinking problem. That he made that mistake and was moving forward with sobriety.
I was up front and told him about my hesitations - I would not date an active alcoholic. And I wanted him to be transparent and up front if he was having struggles, issues, or if he relapsed. I didn't need a detailed report on everything, but wanted to be kept in the loop of how he was generally doing. He agreed to that, and things went back to being good. Until toward the end of that second month. He started acting differently. He'd cancel and reschedule dates a lot, with different excuses every time. It was becoming frustrating for me, and I was considering ending it. But he did. The last date he had scheduled he didn't show and didn't respond to me when I tried to contact him. He was gone. I was ghosted.
A month later, I get a text from him, apologizing for disappearing. He had, in fact, relapsed. He'd been working on getting back into sobriety and focusing on maintaining that. He had not properly learned yet how to manage certain stressors and unexpected circumstances outside of drinking and he relapsed. He wanted me to know I didn't deserve how he treated me, and he did care about me. He had a wonderful time with me and loved our time together. He wanted me to know that he wasn't just using me or taking advantage of me, but did care, even though he couldn't show it at the time. And of course I was the idiot who said that I don't fully understand alcoholism, but I could see why he acted how he did. I opened myself up to further discuss the issues w him, and said I could be a friend.
And of course that developed back into dating again. And of course things seemed to be going well for a while. He was opening up about his "excuses" previously about having to cancel and reschedule on me toward the end. Part of it was a fear of relapse and relapsing. Part of it was that he had some anxiety and trust issues as well. He was doing some work to help me trust him again and feel secure with him. And, as was previously that lasted for about a month and a half. The last time I saw him was in early June. I had my family coming into town to visit for a week, and then he was going out of the country to visit family for 2 weeks. There was a small window to where we could have met up again in between family trips, but he "got COVID." BS.
Previous to that, he had wanted to meet my family while they were in town. I talked to him about it - it was still a bit early in the relationship and we were still trying to get a good track going, and it wasn't the right time. He understood, but it did hurt his feelings a bit. I couldn't do it, though. We were about a month and a half removed from his relapse and disappearing. That was one of the most reasonable decisions I have made to date about this whole relationship, and I'm really glad I made it.
But fast-forward to his getting back from his family trip. He needed a few days to recover - so to speak - from jet lag. Completely understandable, after a 16+ hour flight and a half a day time change. We had plans to get together and oh, look at that - he caught COVID again (this would be the 3rd time he claimed to have had it in 7 months). I didn't believe him. He facetimed me, looking and sounding sick. He showed me his positive COVID test. And this time, he was sick for about a week and I had figured he'd lied previously (in part of his admission that he did make excuses when suffering from anxiety, etc), and this was actually the first time he had it.
Toward the end of the week he started making plans to meet up, and it was dependent on him testing negative. My patience was waning, and I had asked him to call a few times. He made excuses for why he couldn't even call. So, fed up, I gave him an ultimatum to call and he said he was done.
Ha! Right.
I had a feeling he'd come back around, so I sent a preemptive text. I told him how I felt. I told him he treated me terribly, and that something was going on with him. I suggested he get therapy along with AA because it wasn't working for him. I wished him the best and asked him not to contact me unless he was in a better place. And of course a week later he contacts me.
He told me he still had a gift that he'd picked up for me from when he traveled out of the country and wanted me to have it. He asked if he could stop by to drop it off. I felt strong enough to hold my own this time. I told him I wouldn't be available at home, but could meet up with him after work somewhere public.
I wasn't strong enough. He declined a public place, started talking about how this may just not be a good idea at this time. I asked him why he kept doing this to me. And then he started talking again. He'd relapsed, again, and wanted to meet up to talk about it. Tell me how sorry he was again. And that he was starting an IOP (intense outpatient program) this week and wanted to talk to me about it. So we talked about it a little. And he made a plan to stop by this Saturday to talk with me in person about it a little more.
In the interim I did learn a little more about alcoholism and sobriety. One thing I've learned is early sobriety is no different, as far as behavior, than active alcoholism. And I wasn't equipped to handle that well. This was something I told him in that text I'd sent to try to put the kibosh on his reaching out again. And I thought I was intent on setting some real boundaries between us - I'd be happy to support his recovery the best way I could, from the outside, but dating was off the table for a good while. But I was happy to learn that he was starting a program that would both work on stepwork and therapy.
He's supposed to start that today, pending an orientation to get in. That's what he told me a couple of days ago.
And now I'm a mess. I feel broken. Last night, he contacted me - texted. He told me that he'd been thinking, had talked to his mom and sponsor, and didn't want me to get mad, but he needed to do this on his own. He needed to concentrate on himself, on not drinking and on healing, and the program and couldn't meet up anymore. He wasn't going to be good to me or for me until he does this.
And you know what, he's probably right. In fact, he's absolutely right. I can understand that, but I can't reason with his choice to jerk me around again like that. I feel completely used, and disregarded. Like I was just part of his alcoholism struggle and something he just doesn't even care to face. I lost my composure about it. I told him how that felt. And that he wasn't even treating me like a human being. That I didn't want to speak to him again. That I hated him. And then I blocked him.
It was like I was trying to hurt him as much as he'd hurt me.
I did later unblock and apologize, and told him that I lost my temper, but that I still felt the way I felt. And that I do want him to succeed but the way he treated me had broken me.
And it's true. And here I am, the next day, and I feel crushed and drained. And he was absolutely right in that he didn't want to hurt me anymore and wouldn't be good for me until he was further on in his progress. I honestly think now, after a sleep and a small time away from the conversation, that he's being honest with me for the first time and really taking it seriously. Because he does need to focus on himself, and we don't need to be involved with each other right now. And I'm realizing I need to work on myself too, because I feel like such an idiot recalling all of this and realizing I welcomed this, with open arms, in to my life.
So here I am.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
I'm sorry for your situation. Your boyfriend is right. He does need to work on his recovery himself. And, you're definitely not an idiot, but working on yourself is a good thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
You are not an idiot. You sound very kind. However it is up to you whether you want the chaos of an alcoholic in early recovery in your life. Someone who you will not be able to trust, depend upon, or even relax fully with. If he were one or two years sober it might be a different matter.
I hope you have some good friends or family to talk to about this.
I hope you have some good friends or family to talk to about this.
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