Vigilance Without Paranoia
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Vigilance Without Paranoia
Anyone else prone to tricky, subtle shifts in their thought process regarding "how bad" their drug/alcohol problem is?
Generally, in reasonable segments of the population, theft of controlled substances, drug abuse to the point of seizure activity, and job loss resulting from these behaviors are sufficient evidence of a significant problem. My higher brain KNOWS this to be true. I know that I have altered the endogenous chemicals in my brain so that on some level I permanently desire additional chemicals. This is addiction, and I have it. I treat it with 12 step program participation, posting here, reading about addiction, meditating, seeing a therapist, and NOT USING.
But my subconscious brain sometimes just screams for RELIEF!
I find this process maddening and fascinating! My lower brain will rationalize the old behavior and reframe it, (free of the more embarrassing parts) in order to relieve recurring guilt. I usually know when the process begins and nip it in the bud, but if I'm not vigilant I can wind up in a very agitated, restless, and uncomfortable state of mind. My physical body begins to ache, and my mental state winds up in a fuss. I get panicky and suffer insomnia.
This is my addict voice. Justifying, explaining, complaining, fear-filled.
It is a part of me, but not the best parts. It's all the scared and weak and hurting parts speaking together in unison, so sometimes it's difficult for my higher self to hear over that din.
I'm coming up on 6 months of sobriety, and I find that I'll go long periods with nothing from AV only to BATTLE against it for 2 days out of the next 7. This gets better, yes? The AV gets weaker, quieter? The justifications are easier to spot at the beginning?
I am doing ok today (and I don't drink/use one day at a time), but I find myself increasingly concerned about an eternal, ongoing barrage of this fear-speak. It is hard to be constantly vigilant without being paranoid and mired in the consequences of my addiction. I want life to move forward. I know that it will/is, but I am surprised by how cunning, shifty, and demanding my addicted subconscious voice can be.
Any experience, encouragement, or advice is greatly appreciated. I just need to hear from some people who've been here before me.
Thanks, folks!
-TC
Generally, in reasonable segments of the population, theft of controlled substances, drug abuse to the point of seizure activity, and job loss resulting from these behaviors are sufficient evidence of a significant problem. My higher brain KNOWS this to be true. I know that I have altered the endogenous chemicals in my brain so that on some level I permanently desire additional chemicals. This is addiction, and I have it. I treat it with 12 step program participation, posting here, reading about addiction, meditating, seeing a therapist, and NOT USING.
But my subconscious brain sometimes just screams for RELIEF!
I find this process maddening and fascinating! My lower brain will rationalize the old behavior and reframe it, (free of the more embarrassing parts) in order to relieve recurring guilt. I usually know when the process begins and nip it in the bud, but if I'm not vigilant I can wind up in a very agitated, restless, and uncomfortable state of mind. My physical body begins to ache, and my mental state winds up in a fuss. I get panicky and suffer insomnia.
This is my addict voice. Justifying, explaining, complaining, fear-filled.
It is a part of me, but not the best parts. It's all the scared and weak and hurting parts speaking together in unison, so sometimes it's difficult for my higher self to hear over that din.
I'm coming up on 6 months of sobriety, and I find that I'll go long periods with nothing from AV only to BATTLE against it for 2 days out of the next 7. This gets better, yes? The AV gets weaker, quieter? The justifications are easier to spot at the beginning?
I am doing ok today (and I don't drink/use one day at a time), but I find myself increasingly concerned about an eternal, ongoing barrage of this fear-speak. It is hard to be constantly vigilant without being paranoid and mired in the consequences of my addiction. I want life to move forward. I know that it will/is, but I am surprised by how cunning, shifty, and demanding my addicted subconscious voice can be.
Any experience, encouragement, or advice is greatly appreciated. I just need to hear from some people who've been here before me.
Thanks, folks!
-TC
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by ToughChoices 
This gets better, yes? The AV gets weaker, quieter?
Perhaps it is both.
All I know is that the more I practice sobriety, the easier it becomes.
The more often I ignore the suggestions of my AV, the easier they are to ignore.
My AV tells me I am unhappy when I don't drink, and unless I drink I will ALWAYS feel that way.
It wasn't true the last 1,000 times it told me that.
It won't be true the next time, either.
6 months is AWESOME!
Keep it going!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
Our brains are always changing. The more you live without using, the easier it becomes to not use. The AV definitely gets quieter.
I noticed a subtle shift over the period from about 9 months to a year, where I could think about alcoholic topics without the AV chiming in. Before: when I'd have a thought related to alcohol, the AV would look for a way to spin it into a message about how I could drink. Example: I see a advertisement for beer on TV, and think "I might be able to handle a beer by now."
But now, I can see that same ad for beer and I think "Oh look, an ad for beer." Without the AV trying to find a way to twist that stimulus into a reason for returning to old habits.
It wasn't a night-to-day shift, but it did get easier close to the 1-year mark. I assume the process will be different for everyone, but this is how it's going for me.
I noticed a subtle shift over the period from about 9 months to a year, where I could think about alcoholic topics without the AV chiming in. Before: when I'd have a thought related to alcohol, the AV would look for a way to spin it into a message about how I could drink. Example: I see a advertisement for beer on TV, and think "I might be able to handle a beer by now."
But now, I can see that same ad for beer and I think "Oh look, an ad for beer." Without the AV trying to find a way to twist that stimulus into a reason for returning to old habits.
It wasn't a night-to-day shift, but it did get easier close to the 1-year mark. I assume the process will be different for everyone, but this is how it's going for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,160
Yes the AV gets quieter. Yes your rational mind gets stronger every time we defeat the AV.
Relief from what?
That's where I would focus.
What can I do to eliminate or better deal with whatever I feel I need relief from?
Working to find the answer to that question for me was/is important to me.
Alcohol is quickly eliminated from the list so the AV has no chance.
6 Months is Great!
It Gets Better
Relief from what?
That's where I would focus.
What can I do to eliminate or better deal with whatever I feel I need relief from?
Working to find the answer to that question for me was/is important to me.
Alcohol is quickly eliminated from the list so the AV has no chance.
6 Months is Great!
It Gets Better
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by fishkiller
Relief from what?
That's where I would focus.
What can I do to eliminate or better deal with whatever I feel I need relief from?
Partially, I have some physical pain that flares from time to time, and I’ve (unfortunately) trained my body to expect complete, prompt relief from ALL physical discomfort. So when I work outside for 12 hours building a patio from flagstone and have (understandable) aches and bruises from the activity, my AV starts whining about how unfair it is for me to hurt like this. My AV is a total crybaby. It wants some medicine because I’ve taught it that medicine fixes the discomfort.
In addition, I have occasional, normal dissatisfaction with my life circumstances. This dissatisfaction can amplify into crisis mode.
It’s weird. I LOVE my children and my husband, but I am unaccustomed to being surrounded by them constantly (I’ve always worked full-time). So, now, I’ll have times of boredom or frustration with my family. This is then generally accompanied by some guilt about the boredom and frustration, then followed by a bit of self-flagellation for being the original source of all my trouble.
It’s basically a cycle of existential doubt that blocks me from enjoying the moment I am actually in.
Turns out, drugs “solve” (very temporarily) that existential pain, too, and I taught myself to live without actually addressing the root of my problems.
I’m growing in that I’m able to recognize the issue, but I’ve only begun to figure out what to do about the feelings.
Exercise helps. Playing a board game with my kids helps. So does sunshine and petting my dogs. Dancing, cooking, and music helps. Kissing helps. So does reading, meditation, and AA meetings. Physical labor helps.
Thanks for helping me work on this.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,160
I understand.
Without drugs and alcohol dulling your brain everything becomes raw.
"used to" "unaccustomed "
It really does involve changing how we think, feel and live. Keep doing the right thing and the "unaccustomed " and "used to" will switch places.
I too LOVE my family but they can be the cause of a lot of stress also.
I get angry and raise my voice and say things at times I wish I hadn't. Nothing horrible just not very recovery based reactions.
There are times though, when from seemingly nowhere, all the Love, happiness and gratitude I have for them comes to the surface and all else is forgot.
Those are the times I live for.
When I was drinking those feelings never came.
Staying sober is worth that if that was the only thing I got from it.
Which of course it isn't but it is my favorite.
The ONLY way I was able to get this far was by taking the drink/drug option of the table.
No thoughts of alcohol are allowed to stay in my mind for any longer than it takes to recognize them.
I don't drink. No Matter What. Period. AV be damned.
Stop listening to the AV.
When it pipes up shut it down, Immediately.
Life is too good to waste on drugs and alcohol.
Even the bad times are better sober.
Without drugs and alcohol dulling your brain everything becomes raw.
"used to" "unaccustomed "
It really does involve changing how we think, feel and live. Keep doing the right thing and the "unaccustomed " and "used to" will switch places.
I too LOVE my family but they can be the cause of a lot of stress also.
I get angry and raise my voice and say things at times I wish I hadn't. Nothing horrible just not very recovery based reactions.
There are times though, when from seemingly nowhere, all the Love, happiness and gratitude I have for them comes to the surface and all else is forgot.
Those are the times I live for.
When I was drinking those feelings never came.
Staying sober is worth that if that was the only thing I got from it.
Which of course it isn't but it is my favorite.
The ONLY way I was able to get this far was by taking the drink/drug option of the table.
No thoughts of alcohol are allowed to stay in my mind for any longer than it takes to recognize them.
I don't drink. No Matter What. Period. AV be damned.
Stop listening to the AV.
When it pipes up shut it down, Immediately.
Life is too good to waste on drugs and alcohol.
Even the bad times are better sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi ToughChoices,
I agree with you that the addiction is somewhere in there. For me this has been vigilance itself, it’s an enemy I can’t beat, but I can choose not to fight as long as I remember it’s there.
I must say that I do keep my brain very active and stimulated elsewhere, which gives me way more relief than alcohol or drugs ever did.
Not as intense, but more real.
It took me a few years to find the right mix of activities, but through trying whatever came to mind, I managed to settle on a few that give me this relief.
When I say trying whatever came to mind I really mean it. Whenever I thought “wouldn’t it be cool if I did that…”, I’d have a go at it. Somethings I tried once, others for some time, some I kept, some I dropped, basically following my “gut feeling”
about them.
Without getting too philosophical, this route got me to a place of extreme peace (relief), it’s almost like some higher power was giving me hints and all I had to do was follow them. It didn’t feel like that at the time, but looking back it could well have been that.
Whatever happened, AV is not allowed to speak anymore.
I agree with you that the addiction is somewhere in there. For me this has been vigilance itself, it’s an enemy I can’t beat, but I can choose not to fight as long as I remember it’s there.
I must say that I do keep my brain very active and stimulated elsewhere, which gives me way more relief than alcohol or drugs ever did.
Not as intense, but more real.
It took me a few years to find the right mix of activities, but through trying whatever came to mind, I managed to settle on a few that give me this relief.
When I say trying whatever came to mind I really mean it. Whenever I thought “wouldn’t it be cool if I did that…”, I’d have a go at it. Somethings I tried once, others for some time, some I kept, some I dropped, basically following my “gut feeling”
about them.
Without getting too philosophical, this route got me to a place of extreme peace (relief), it’s almost like some higher power was giving me hints and all I had to do was follow them. It didn’t feel like that at the time, but looking back it could well have been that.
Whatever happened, AV is not allowed to speak anymore.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Wanting relief is a big one.
I think finding other healthier ways of relief is important, but I also think most of us have to reassess our limits.
I go full speed on everything, or I used to...I've learned to keep a little bit in reserve now.
Go full speed and end up shattered - thats the AVs playground.
Work smart and be kind to yourself instead.
That AV will get quieter as we grow and change
D
I think finding other healthier ways of relief is important, but I also think most of us have to reassess our limits.
I go full speed on everything, or I used to...I've learned to keep a little bit in reserve now.
Go full speed and end up shattered - thats the AVs playground.
Work smart and be kind to yourself instead.
That AV will get quieter as we grow and change
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Subtle shifts (AKA:reframing) in my thought processes.
I used to look at the AV as something that needed to be battled. Today I look at the AV as a valuable tool. It is an early warning system that says my attention is needed before I wind up off the road and in the ditch.
This morning I was getting ready to go to a meeting when it became apparent that I was going to be late once again. I started to think that maybe I would just blow the meeting off and go for a motorcycle ride. Not only that, but I also realized that I had forgotten about the road work going on that reduced traffic to a one lane affair with a pilot truck leading traffic in one direction and then leading traffic in the other direction. This fact was going to compound my lateness. To compound even further I know that my general lack of punctuality causes some members to have issues. The “reasons” to blow off the meeting began to multiple at light speed.
The AV was doing its job by letting me know through the multiplying “reasons” that they were the very reason that I needed a meeting. I just need to be sure to listen to the AV with my recovery soul, because when I do that, I get the correct message.
Today I got the correct message. I went to the meeting.
Over time I have concluded that the sooner I noticed and heeded the presence of AV, the less its overall presence has been being felt, because through practice my recovery attention span has been becoming stronger, a version of muscle memory, and so the wakeup calls from my AV are not needed as much.
In a way it is reassuring to know that AV is still around, and even though in hibernation most of the time, it is ready to jump into action at a moment’s notice to bring me back to reality, as long as I pay attention to the correct message. This morning was a perfect example!!!
I used to look at the AV as something that needed to be battled. Today I look at the AV as a valuable tool. It is an early warning system that says my attention is needed before I wind up off the road and in the ditch.
This morning I was getting ready to go to a meeting when it became apparent that I was going to be late once again. I started to think that maybe I would just blow the meeting off and go for a motorcycle ride. Not only that, but I also realized that I had forgotten about the road work going on that reduced traffic to a one lane affair with a pilot truck leading traffic in one direction and then leading traffic in the other direction. This fact was going to compound my lateness. To compound even further I know that my general lack of punctuality causes some members to have issues. The “reasons” to blow off the meeting began to multiple at light speed.
The AV was doing its job by letting me know through the multiplying “reasons” that they were the very reason that I needed a meeting. I just need to be sure to listen to the AV with my recovery soul, because when I do that, I get the correct message.
Today I got the correct message. I went to the meeting.
Over time I have concluded that the sooner I noticed and heeded the presence of AV, the less its overall presence has been being felt, because through practice my recovery attention span has been becoming stronger, a version of muscle memory, and so the wakeup calls from my AV are not needed as much.
In a way it is reassuring to know that AV is still around, and even though in hibernation most of the time, it is ready to jump into action at a moment’s notice to bring me back to reality, as long as I pay attention to the correct message. This morning was a perfect example!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
I have found the same feeling of ease and comfort that I would get from drinking by running 3 miles as fast as I possibly can. Something instant happens to me physically and mentally like if I was to be able to slam 3 or 4 beers and just stop. The instant buzz but no desire to keep consuming. My behavior doesn't get all out of control. I even feel more social.
Especially now in the summer heat. Sometimes the more mentally wound up I get the faster my running time and the better I feel afterwards.
Those moments you feel like you are about to break and a drink seems like a good idea, that's just the obsession. Its a temporary mental illness, its an insane idea. A drink will press pause but things will be much worse once you press play again. A drink seems like an escape but its only an escape to something even worse. Temporary feelings of restless, irritable, discontent go away much quicker then a hangover, an arrest, etc.
Especially now in the summer heat. Sometimes the more mentally wound up I get the faster my running time and the better I feel afterwards.
Those moments you feel like you are about to break and a drink seems like a good idea, that's just the obsession. Its a temporary mental illness, its an insane idea. A drink will press pause but things will be much worse once you press play again. A drink seems like an escape but its only an escape to something even worse. Temporary feelings of restless, irritable, discontent go away much quicker then a hangover, an arrest, etc.
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by Dee74
Go full speed and end up shattered - thats the AVs playground.
Work smart and be kind to yourself instead.
Soooo..... I tend to overdo. Everything. I'm remodeling (like me, personally) my entire house right now. And redoing the patio/garden. New paint, flooring, kitchen cabinets, gutted the master bath last weekend. Tiling the shower next week after I get the plumbing roughed in. Seriously. 🤦♀️
In part this is because I want to be perceived as necessary and helpful (in spite of my mistakes) by my family, and also because I have a very particular idea about what I want the house to look like (and I'm kind of cheap).
But you are right. My periods of most intense AV tend to follow my busiest days. I do much better with a reliable, fixed schedule (run, coffee, get kids up and ready for activities, chauffer, designated project, dinner, AA meeting, visit with my sweet husband) than a dedicated day of craziness (12 hours of laying flagstone in 104 degree heat).
I think those crazy days breed resentment in me!
For how hard I'm having to work to recover AND do all of this physical labor (that absolutely NO ONE has asked me to do)! WOW! I honestly didn't even recognize the resentment until I started typing this. Holy cow!
I am going to work on flexing my trust muscles and believing that my family loves me even if I'm not busting my tail 24/7. It is not healthy for me to try to prove my worth in this way. It is setting me up to fail at my most important task - sobriety.
My family would much rather have a sober, relaxed mom than an updated bathroom. I might just tattoo that on my arm.
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by RecklessDrunk
I have found the same feeling of ease and comfort that I would get from drinking by running 3 miles as fast as I possibly can. Something instant happens to me physically and mentally like if I was to be able to slam 3 or 4 beers and just stop. The instant buzz but no desire to keep consuming. My behavior doesn't get all out of control. I even feel more social.
Especially now in the summer heat. Sometimes the more mentally wound up I get the faster my running time and the better I feel afterwards.
Those moments you feel like you are about to break and a drink seems like a good idea, that's just the obsession. Its a temporary mental illness, its an insane idea. A drink will press pause but things will be much worse once you press play again. A drink seems like an escape but its only an escape to something even worse. Temporary feelings of restless, irritable, discontent go away much quicker then a hangover, an arrest, etc.
Especially now in the summer heat. Sometimes the more mentally wound up I get the faster my running time and the better I feel afterwards.
Those moments you feel like you are about to break and a drink seems like a good idea, that's just the obsession. Its a temporary mental illness, its an insane idea. A drink will press pause but things will be much worse once you press play again. A drink seems like an escape but its only an escape to something even worse. Temporary feelings of restless, irritable, discontent go away much quicker then a hangover, an arrest, etc.
I am making a list of activities from which to choose when I start to get out of sorts, and RUN is at the top.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
All that self-selected “selfless” activity is also a way to distract oneself, isn’t it? I do that as a kind of sanctioned (dare I say self-righteous/ martyr?) home project work pretty constantly.
It is improving family quality of life, but if I am honest, it’s also a way I camouflage my surreptitious external numbing strategies since I no longer use alcohol to do that.
I have avoided sitting meditation for years for the same core reason, although I believe it would be the single most powerful tool I could wield in spiritual self-awareness, recovery, and emotional integration / healing.
But the discomfort to be sat with, the surging white-hot anger to be felt, the tears to be cried, the vacant emptiness of desiccated frozen emotion to be smelt and felt when thawed have me mowing and cleaning and decluttering instead.
I hear you TC 👂
It is improving family quality of life, but if I am honest, it’s also a way I camouflage my surreptitious external numbing strategies since I no longer use alcohol to do that.
I have avoided sitting meditation for years for the same core reason, although I believe it would be the single most powerful tool I could wield in spiritual self-awareness, recovery, and emotional integration / healing.
But the discomfort to be sat with, the surging white-hot anger to be felt, the tears to be cried, the vacant emptiness of desiccated frozen emotion to be smelt and felt when thawed have me mowing and cleaning and decluttering instead.
I hear you TC 👂
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
All that self-selected “selfless” activity is also a way to distract oneself, isn’t it? I do that as a kind of sanctioned (dare I say self-righteous/ martyr?) home project work pretty constantly.
It is improving family quality of life, but if I am honest, it’s also a way I camouflage my surreptitious external numbing strategies since I no longer use alcohol to do that.
I have avoided sitting meditation for years for the same core reason, although I believe it would be the single most powerful tool I could wield in spiritual self-awareness, recovery, and emotional integration / healing.
But the discomfort to be sat with, the surging white-hot anger to be felt, the tears to be cried, the vacant emptiness of desiccated frozen emotion to be smelt and felt when thawed have me mowing and cleaning and decluttering instead.
I hear you TC 👂
It is improving family quality of life, but if I am honest, it’s also a way I camouflage my surreptitious external numbing strategies since I no longer use alcohol to do that.
I have avoided sitting meditation for years for the same core reason, although I believe it would be the single most powerful tool I could wield in spiritual self-awareness, recovery, and emotional integration / healing.
But the discomfort to be sat with, the surging white-hot anger to be felt, the tears to be cried, the vacant emptiness of desiccated frozen emotion to be smelt and felt when thawed have me mowing and cleaning and decluttering instead.
I hear you TC 👂
Waking up to all of this self-awareness is rough. I've deceived myself for a lot of years.
Is it odd to be grateful that the insanity of actual addiction came to pass in my life? The sheer awfulness of that physical condition forced me to confront the nonsense that has (clearly) been causing me emotional pain for a long time.
So glad you all are here with me.
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