lessgravity

I apologize if this isn't the correct forum for this - mods please let me know/remove if you see fit - my bad!

But I wanted to express/explain my current experience in the last couple months with going to AA meetings in an attempt to meet like-minded sober people. As some of you know I got sober on my own, using SR and some books. I have total respect for AA and nothing bad to say about it. I've gone to meetings here and there throughout the years and always come away refreshed and impressed by the people there.

One of the aspects of my sobriety that I am not totally happy with is that I do not have a sober community in anyway. My wife is a very responsible drinker and everyone I know/meet drinks socially. In my 5th year now I am craving friendships/relationships with people who don't drink. I need the social experience that my wife gets, for example, by going out a few times a month. So, in an effort to try and meet friends, I started going to AA meetings. I've been to a few different ones, including men only meetings and, as always, really enjoy the meetings and like most all of the people there.

That said (and this is NOT a criticism) when I try to connect with guys outside of the meetings, and I've done this many times now, the conversations inevitably return to AA/Step work. This is true for guys I met with less sober time than me and guys with decades more sober time. Somehow the conversation always circles back to getting me to go to more meetings or to work the Steps. Again, I have nothing but respect for people who are sober and working on themselves. And many of the people I've tried to develop friendships with seem really cool, all in different ways. But the disconnect between my sobriety and theirs somehow comes up and creates a strange dynamic, time and time again.

Anyone have experience or advice? Thank you SR as always.

AthensDawgs

I go to meetings regularly and I haven't done step work. I did have a mentor(I use that instead of sponsor) but we were on separate chapters and I decided to not meet with him anymore.

I do know they help tremendously with a ton of people and I have nothing against them, but as of right now I'm going to meetings, listening and ton and sharing a few times, and stringing together days with no alcohol. I don't think its absolutely mandatory, just my two cents. Once I hopefully get to the 60 or 90 day mark again, I might re-evaluate where I am and go from there.

every single person has a different plan of recovery. I would never in a million years tell someone they have to do something that they likely don't want to do. Some mentors ask that the person they are sponsoring call them every day for X number of days. That got old quickly after a few weeks.

nez

Because it happens time and time again, perhaps the disconnect exists more vividly in your head, than it does for others. How often do you mention the fact that you haven't worked the steps? Recovery and hindsight has shown me that many disconnects I feel, are given birth by me... because I am different than you.

When I look for differences, I will find them and then a crack or divide is created through my actions.
When I look for similarities, I will find them and the cracks or divides vanish through my actions.

I have been around and in AA for a few decades now and I couldn't begin to tell you who in the rooms has completely worked the steps. It just never comes up in casual conversation either before or after a meeting. If someone is struggling or has a question about the steps, they might bring it up, but if they do it is usually as a topic for a discussion meeting.

I will admit that there are some thumpers and recruiters out there in the rooms, but they are in the minority and other members seem to shy away from them. In all honesty, I get tired of their rhetoric so I give them a wide berth.

If there is a disconnect...okay.
If there is not a disconnect...okay.
Either way...what is the next indicated right action.

ClearPath64

Hey LG, great to see you as always. Have you considered any type of group activities focusing on a hobby, like a class or sporting club? I seem to recall that you have a fairly busy work/home life, but maybe something that doesn't require a huge time commitment. No guarantee that all of the people in these groups are going to be 100% alcohol free, but the activity itself wouldn't revolve around alcohol and maybe you could forge new friendships or relationships that way. Just a thought. I'm a bit of a loner myself, so I'm sure that you'll get better advice from folks on here with real world experience.

nez

A lot of my recovery has been about learning to do things that I didn't want to do. Hell, I didn't even really want to stop drinking. Only doing things I wanted to do, qualified me for my seat in AA, but it didn't get through the door. I sure as hell didn't want to go to my first meeting. I think the universe shoved me through the door.
My mantra is...what the hell do I know anyway?... I have never been good at knowing what is best for me.

AthensDawgs

I'm not a big book nor an AA thumper. I do support certain AA concepts and ideas and I disagree with certain things, and that's ok. I do think the AA community and people are amazing and a huge reason why folks remain sober. I used to be anti-AA for awhile, but it certainly does help in certain areas.

I think folks should find whatever works for them and go from there.

advbike

I found the same to be true. I often enjoyed the fellowship, especially overseas where it is hard to find other expats who don't drink to socialize with. But getting a sponsor and working the steps was always being pushed. At one point when I was two years sober I gave in to it, got a sponsor and did the step work, but it was emotionally damaging to dig up all that baggage from my long and complicated past without a way to even find or properly make amends to the people I had hurt. I relapsed 6 months later and avoid AA now but see the value for those who need it and for whom it is a good fit.

D122y

I use AA, SMART, SR, Joe Walsh, Stevo, Robin Williams, etc etc etc.

I stay sober by any means. To the rest of the world I just don't drink any more. It is not my thing.

Between us folks here, I am fighting for my life one moment at a time if need be.

Booze is my kryptonite. If I relapse, I will surely die. I would rather believe that and be wrong, then test it and be right.

If I told a drinker they could lower their blood pressure, reduce the chances of getting sick/boost immune system, increase strength, and sleep better, they still couldn't stop drinking.

Quitting drinking did all of these things for me and a whole lot more.

Addiction is fierce and mind altering.

Quitting hurts like hell.

I remember that hell every time I think I could dare drink again.

Addict for life.

Thanks.

ToughChoices

I’m an active AA participant, but I have no idea who has or has not worked the Steps. Don’t know where they are or where they should be.

I occasionally share about a struggle I’m having with a certain Step, and I appreciate it when others share their experiences. I do not, however, expect sharing. Step work is intensely personal. Some folks may have gone through all 12 multiple times, but keep their experiences close to their heart. Others may have never attempted them. None of my business

I have no problem with folks staying sober by coming to meetings and leaving the Steps out of it, but I have personally found the 12 Steps to be life-changing.

Hanging out for coffee, driving folks to doctor appointments, or playing cards I’ll typically hear alcohol-related humor, but no discussion of the 12 Steps.

Every group is different, but I doubt that you are as out of place as you fear!

Take care!
-TC

aasharon90

I look at the steps as I would the 10 commandments.

We learned them as children and live them as adults.

Meaning, we incorporate and use the steps and commandments
as guidelines to living a healthier, happier, honest way
of life. To grow and mature into the best, sober, serene
persons we are meant to be.

We do both, either or other options to the best of our human
ability, striving for continued sobriety and peace of mind.

Kaily

I think you are looking in the wrong place. Most people in AA are going to be a bit step obsessed as that is what the fellowship is based on. Suits some, not others.

How about starting your own meetup group based on sober socialising? It would organically grow itself in lots of different directions and hopefully open up new avenues. Not just from recovered alcoholics but also people that just not interested in the drinking party scene.

DriGuy

Some AA groups are less dogmatic about steps, sponsors, and rules than others. The only group in my small town gave me a snoot full of "program" and never let up. You will definitely be exposed to the dogma, but of course, you can get sober on your own terms, unless you have ideas about getting sober while still drinking.

Having said that, I was well received socially by that group with only one or two exceptions. It's a group representing all cross sections of society, including all it's flaws and redeeming qualities, but everyone is there to get sober, even those who see the program as the only way.

AA was a socially sober environment where no one was going to tell you that you didn't have a problem with alcohol. Everyone understood the misery of alcoholism, and didn't see it as some odd quirk that could be fixed by limiting oneself to a few drinks. Everyone understood where I was at, even if they disagreed on how to get free. And almost everyone celebrated everyone else's sobriety in a way that just never happens out in normal peer groups or relationships. You can find that in AA, even if you disagree with much of the program, but you will get a lot of indoctrination, which you may need to overlook and forgive.

soupcon

I love that you brought up this topic. I went to AA for the first year of my sobriety. I never did the steps, did not have a sponsor, etc.
I loved the camaraderie I found in AA, but hated the rigidity of the thinking that if you don't do the Steps and follow the program, you will never make it. I left AA after the first year and have maintained my sobriety for forty years. I socialized outside of the program with friends who also were either recovering alcoholics that were not AA obsessed or just were never big drinkers to begin with and social activity did not have to revolve around drinking. I bet you can still find people at the meetings who think like you do and want to hang out. Maybe there are meetup groups you could join where people want to engage in a healthy lifestyle and sober activities. I know where you are coming from and how difficult it can be to find like-minded individuals.

Sober53

I have a very difficult time meeting sober people! Having moved to a new area everyone I meet invites us to have drinks, go out for drinks etc. I have joined a hiking club, but after the hike they go to a winery! I do feel like when I say I don’t drink I don’t get invited. In my past neighborhood I was questioned about my not drinking, especially by people who probably drink too much.
I too am curious how to meet some friends that like to go out without revolving around alcohol

Tailai

This is a complex thread. I think because there’s a lot of overlap of activities that are enjoyable by themselves but can also involve alcohol. Like I’ve met many people through a tennis league or even just tennis events, some who have become lifelong friends. And there is beer and cocktails afterwards but certainly not always. Concerts and sporting events many times have an alcohol component but it’s definitely not necessary. Then there are book clubs and movies but there again a bar may come into play.

nez

My exposure to AA spans 30 years. I have been to meetings where attendance numbered in the single digits and where it numbered in the triple digits. I have been to meetings across California, across the United States, and foreign countries (some of where English was not the native language). In reading some of the responses on here I wondered what AA the posters have been going to because their experiences are not similar to mine at all. That was just my ignorance showing its ugly head. Everyone's experience will be unique to them. No one's experience can be denied, argued, nor invalidated, their experience is their perspective...nothing more...nothing less.

Recovery has obviously not eliminated my ignorance, but thankfully it has lessened the frequency of its occurrence. Another thing that recovery has taught me is that I find things go smoother for me when I try to fit nez into the universe, rather than trying to fit the universe to nez. Fitting the universe to nez greatly reduces the number of tools that are available to me because my mind has a narrower scope.

When I am trying to build a shelter and I need a hammer to drive the nails I have; but I can't find one...I can always quit...or I can use that goddamn rock that I stubbed my toe on a minute ago, in place of a hammer. Might not be my number choice...but what the hell do I know anyway!!!

tornrealization

I’m in a similar boat. I’d like to have some sobriety friends so, I’m always like thinking, maybe I should go to some AA meetings to find them. I went to some over the years and I get it’s only requirement is a desire to quit drinking, but I’d feel like a fraud? That’s my own personal hangup I know but I can’t get over it.

sugarbear1

Working those 12 steps saved my life.

Any sponsor barking orders is not a sponsor.

Everyone has opinions.

DriGuy

The fraud feeling is curious, and I'm trying to understand why that would be. I doubt that anyone who wants to stop drinking could be a fraud, but perhaps "fraud" is too strong a word?

Related to that (maybe): While reading the other posts in this thread, I recalled having the feeling that anyone who attends AA without doing the steps would be asked the question, "Then why are you here?" Yes, they do say, "The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking," but they also give the impression that doing the steps is required for success, because the Big Book thumpers push it so hard. It's kind of an additional but understated requirement, and while it's not as definitive as the first requirement, it does exist... Not by everyone at the meeting of course, but those who push it are usually met by a table of nodding heads in mechanical agreement.

That was MY personal experience ONLY; I was defying the program by not buying it totally and without question. I always felt like part of the group, but still an outsider. But never a fraud. I was quite open about doing it my way, but in line with the current topic of this thread, I still needed those people in my life at that time.

AL48

Just being curious but how did get on since you wrote this thread.
Since becoming sober now over 3 years ago i too have not managed to find friendship outside my own family and when i do go out the only people i socialise with really are my wifes friends.
I kayak, walk go to the gym swim either alone or with my wife.
I'm not lonely by any means and if im honest i enjoy my own company but if i do go out for some occasion it seems to end up in the pub so most of the time i dont go out at all, not to be safe but i just dont like it anymore.
I too wouldn't mind meeting a few sober minded people in the outside world 🙂.