BruisednBroken

Hello SR,

I've been reading in the forums for a while now but have never posted. I am feeling so defeated today and thought perhaps it was time to share my story. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

I met my (38) ex-boyfriend (35) over three years ago when I moved into the townhouse next door. At that time, he was in a long-term relationship (12 years). He and his then-girlfriend invited me over a few times, and I quickly realized they weren't my "cup of tea". I am a quiet, reserved, shy person. I don't use drugs but do enjoy a daily glass of wine with dinner, but these two loved to party. I was polite but kept my distance.

Fast forward a year later, COVID hit and their relationship deteriorated. I would see my ex-boyfriend on his back deck smoking. He started confiding in me about the state of their relationship. He said it had been on the rocks for years and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. The conversations persisted and overtime became about other things. We got to know each other over a period of 6 months, and then one day he confessed he was in love with me. I knew I had feelings for him too, but as a realist was pretty sure that we were not compatible. He told me he wanted to sell their house and start seeing each other. I was honest with him and said I didn't think this was a good idea because I am aware of his lifestyle and don't think we'd be a good match. He told me that I had pegged him all wrong, and that I should give him a chance. He sold their house, and we began seeing each other. I just want to clarify that nothing happened between us, until that relationship was over.

We started living together almost immediately due to COVID (about a month into our relationship). The first 3 months were pure bliss (we started dating in July). I fell madly in love with him, and we had such a great time together. He was, at the time, the best thing that had ever happened to me. I felt so blessed to have him in my life. But then everything changed. The summer ended, and I noticed that he was drinking heavily after work. He would pass out on the couch most days after dinner, and our intimate relationship was starting to dwindle. I addressed my concerns, and he told me he was just stressed out at work. He said he didn't realize until I said something that he had been drinking heavily. He thanked me for my concern and said he would get himself in check. Nothing changed.

November came and we had a disagreement, I honestly can't remember what it was about anymore but something minor. He packed his bags and left to a hotel - this was the beginning of what became a very regular pattern in our relationship. He stayed one night and called me the next day. When he returned he admitted to using cocaine and drinking vodka, I also saw unexplained etransfers in his account to a woman (which I later learned was an escort). I was heartbroken and felt duped as he was proving to be everything I thought I knew he was in the beginning and he said he wasn't. He begged me to stay. He said he would get help for his drinking. This pattern of starting a fight, leaving to a hotel to drink and do drugs became an every-two week event. I kept taking him back. He kept promising to change. But never did.

The fights grew worse and worse. He started verbally and emotionally abusing me. Calling me horrific names, body shaming me, telling me I'm the most horrible person in the world. He would destroy our house in his drunken tirades and my vehicle. Before I knew it I was caught in this destructive cycle and felt like I was living in a prison. I dreaded every weekend in the house with him because I never knew what it would bring. I tried to talk to his parents who told me that they have been trying for years to get him to go to AA. And that he had two previous drug overdoses in the last 10 years. I couldn't believe I had gotten myself into this mess.

I tried relentlessly to get him help over the next 18 months. I got him into counselling, he went to detox (but checked himself out after 2 days), I attended doctor's appointments and even started drug testing and breathalyzing him at home. We joined a gym and I was making him three healthy meals every day. I was doing my best to get him well.

Anyway, fast forward to April of this year, he left me for another woman (a drug dealer). The relationship lasted 5 weeks and when he popped back up he admitted to using needles. I knew things were bad. I tried to reach out to his family to let them know, but they had blocked me. It turns out in the time we were apart, he told his family I am the reason for his addictions and that I am the cause of everything and no one wanted anything more to do with me. In May he overdosed on heroin, and was saved by Narcan and I heard through a friend his parents were blaming me for his overdose. His life is a mess. I finally got him to a place where he was contemplating going to rehab. I said I would support his recovery journey but only if his family and I could find some peace between us. I reached out to his father by email. He came back to me with "As a parent yourself, if this was your son, would you be happy with the person he is seeing?"

I don't understand. I didn't cause his addictions and have done so much to try to get him well. They existed for years before I entered the picture. I endured so much pain and abuse and for some reason I'm being blamed for everything. I told him on Sunday that I am done with all of this drama and I don't want to be around him and his family anymore as they only bring me down. I have been in no contact ever since and he hasn't tried to reach out. I know it's the best for me, but why am I feeling so heartbroken and lost. I feel so much guilt over being blamed and made out to be a monster by his family. I am so lost and don't know how to move on with my life. I was a whole and happy person before I met him, and now I am nothing. I feel so worthless.

I just need some supportive words right now as I feel so alone.

RunningScared

Ending a relationship is hard! As cliché as it sounds, it just takes time. Inside you know you are making the right decision. Just keep in mind the three "c's": I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. I hope your ex boyfriend decides to seek help for himself, but it doesn't sound like he's ready for that. My suggestion is to focus on yourself. AlAnon in your town might be a source of support for you.
You said there was a lot of verbal and mental abuse in your relationship and that is never okay, under any circumstances. I wouldn't waste any time feeling bad about his parents judging you. That's on them. You can use this time to focus on you and move on with your life.

SoberLeigh

I am very sorry for what brings you here, BruisednBroken.

My suggestion is that you focus on your own healing and rediscovering that whole and happy person.

I agree with Anna’s suggestion of AlAnon.

Wishing you healing and happiness.