Being in a relationship/breaking up with someone in and out of recovery/sobriety
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Join Date: Jul 2022
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Being in a relationship/breaking up with someone in and out of recovery/sobriety
Hi, so this is probably going to be a long post but I need to vent. I just need some advice from past and present experience stories. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years now, from the beginning he told me he was in recovery from heroin and basically every other drug/substance/alcohol, he was in a sober living house, and had been clean for 2-3 months (I know a very short amount of time clean before getting in a relationship). I had never known someone with severe addiction other than to alcohol and I would give him a chance despite my sister and brother in law telling me not to. I still wouldn't change my decision at all. Neither of us went into our relationship thinking it would be long term or serious but, alas, that is what it is and we love each other very much still. Other than suffering from addiction he is truly the sweetest, most caring, intelligent, kind, and compassionate person I know (as are many addicts) and my best friend. Also, if it is a tribute to just how kind his soul is and beautiful inside and out, I had never even dated or been with anyone until I met him at the age of 23 (due to my own choices) because I am a cautious person and don't let very many people in to my close circle. Despite being hesitant to commit due to his addiction, I still decided there's not point in not letting yourself love someone because of a struggle that lies beyond just their decisions (a touchy topic). That being said, his heroin addiction was really a fentanyl addiction but again he explained that to me within the first month of our dating so I understood it was different and much stronger and life threatening, and I even attended AA meetings with him since he didn't have a car. 5 months into our relationship when covid hit he relapsed with meth which quickly turned into fentanyl. this continued on for another 8 months and I never knew until our roommate found some needles and substances hidden poorly in our bathroom. I obviously confronted him that night and he admitted it was fentanyl to my shock because I thought it was meth, but we communicated and decided where to take him to get him to a detox. He did agree to go and we called his sponsor for advice. Rollercoaster ride of a week and a half... we went to netcare, to maryhaven, to hospital because he's epileptic and didn't have his meds, he walked out of the hospital on his own and went with his dealer to a motel on christmas eve, I found out etc, spent christmas on the phone with him trying to get him to uber to another detox place since it wasn't "safe" to pick him up, ultimately i met him at a kroger when he got his seizure meds, and took him to a detox that he stayed in. Decided he needed to move into a sober living since we had moved in together during covid (took forever to find one because he's been in them all in our city and that took his insurance), and he stayed clean for 4 months, did suboxone maintenance, and had his program. He has been sober from opiates since that date (now over a year and a half with suboxone) however, he can't stop slipping up with meth and xanax every 3-4 months.
I knowingly made what I knew wasn't a good decision to let him move back in with me in the same apartment we had lived in prior to the detox, after he used meth and xanax because I was worried he would get kicked out of the only sober living that would take him if they found out, and I didn't want him to burn that bridge per say of having a good relationship with a potential place to stay. Also, since his detox and suboxone maintenance I have made him give me a drug test every week and he has no phone privacy as part of our relationship, etc (something I was too lenient with way before as a naive and very trusting person). He always helped me pay bills because he worked and was somewhat not legally getting pua money, so it was hard for me to keep track of where his money was going if there should have been some savings. Long story short, I realized through this past year there is definitely a pattern of sober 3 months, slip up with meth and xanax, and then repeat and it's been like that for a year and a half. He has no sponsor or program anymore and since PUA ended he is not paying his half of bills. He doesn't have a car that consistently works so this work situation has been kind of difficult to be accusatory towards. He does remodeling so he has just been picking up odd jobs here and there, and with car insurance $200 a month, a crappy car, work has been hard for him so I've given him many many options and times to get that sorted out. He finally has a consistent job lined up but at this point even if he did pay his part his the toll he has taken on me has really made me want/need a break or breather from hi. He loves me and I him, and we get along mostly, and enjoy each others company, but he also isn't there fully emotionally and I need more from my relationship both in that and physically. 2.5 years of feeling like I am waiting for him to get better is about all the patience I have and now that I can't pay my bills the stress is just too much. We are locked in a $900 month lease and a single person can't pay that, and now i can't finish my degree because he owes me so much rent money. I always said if it affected my success and finances on that level I would have to leave him, even if i loved him. He isn't lazy, he's constantly trying to fix his car, get work, door dash in a broken down car, but he's so irresponsible he doesn't make his doctor appointments on time making him go days without his seizure meds, or last it was having withdrawals from missing a suboxone appointment. That isn't fun for him nor me, and affects his ability to get to his jobs. Obviously, it seems inevitable him and I are going to take a break for what will probably be years and only entertain the thought of being with him again if he does stay sober for consistent year/years, but I just need some advice on how to deal with the fear of the terrifying possibilities that come with not seeing/checking in on your addict loved once every day/days. I still am terrified he might overdose from any of the drugs he's used, like I said in past he has abused about every substance you can think of. He doesn't have family here either, they couldn't handle his addiction and basically sent him away to the city where we met and live. They keep in touch but idk if they would welcome him back into their arms until they also see he is clean for years first. Again, he is someone I could truly see myself marrying and spending my life with after all I have been through with him IF he stays clean and sober. I just don't know how to cope with the fear of loss that I have other than going to nar anon and such things. I am terrified he is going to die and lose his battle to addiction and I don't think I can handle that fear right now. He also went through some SEVERELY traumatizing experiences regarding sexual abuse when he relapsed with fentanyl for those months when I didn't know, and he needs therapy for that, but I can't help him. He did try to find a therapist for a while but they either wanted too much money for someone who is broke, but i am sure if he kept looking he would find someone. And of course, i am willing to drive him to aa meetings at least once a week and there is not reason he shouldn't have a sponsor. Clearly he needs a program and he knows how to because he has done it all before for years. It should be said we are both 26. The side effects of suboxone maintenance alone takes a toll on him, and our relationship physically, and emotionally his depression and addiction makes it so he isn't fully there for that either. Other than unconditional love for one another our relationship is lacking in most other areas simply because of his addiction and trauma. I have given it my all in these 2.5 years to help him get to sobriety and be the healthiest version of himself he can be, but I can't take it anymore. I work to just pay bills now, when the amount of work I do at a hospital I should have a savings if he paid his full share of rent/bills, and I just can't take the stress of literally owing our electric and gas while not being sure if our rent will be covered this month. If and when we do split up and take at least a year long break from each other, how do the loved ones of addicts cope with the fear of losing them for forever? I could be happy if I knew he was clean and sober and living happily without me, and if he found someone else who was a good person I'd be thrilled, sad but happy he is happy, but I know the other possibilities might be the likelier ones, and it haunts me to my core. I am so terrified I am going to attend his funeral, and lose someone that I could have had children with, and spent my life with, had I made a different choice, etc. I know everyone says nothing is your fault, and they are going to make the decisions they want about their recovery or lack there of, but it's hard to fully accept that there is something more I couldn't have done to help. I am just tired though, and feeling neglected in this relationship, and unhappy, and I don't think there is much more I can do to help obviously but be supportive from a distance.
If you have made it this far in reading I am grateful and any advice will be appreciated. It's just so hard when you deeply love someone and the only thing keeping them from thriving is this weird illness that walks a fine line between choice and disease, that you don't know when to fill guilty or like you could've done something to help them more, etc. With cancer and other diseases it's so easy to know you've exhausted all options, but with addiction you can never tell or ask yourself if you could've done something different that would have changed a beautiful human's life. I hate addiction, I hate drugs, I hate fentanyl, and I hate the twisted people who have helped this epidemic become a thing just to make some money.... anyway, thanks for any help.
- a confused, sad, exhausted love one of a beautiful human and struggling addict
I knowingly made what I knew wasn't a good decision to let him move back in with me in the same apartment we had lived in prior to the detox, after he used meth and xanax because I was worried he would get kicked out of the only sober living that would take him if they found out, and I didn't want him to burn that bridge per say of having a good relationship with a potential place to stay. Also, since his detox and suboxone maintenance I have made him give me a drug test every week and he has no phone privacy as part of our relationship, etc (something I was too lenient with way before as a naive and very trusting person). He always helped me pay bills because he worked and was somewhat not legally getting pua money, so it was hard for me to keep track of where his money was going if there should have been some savings. Long story short, I realized through this past year there is definitely a pattern of sober 3 months, slip up with meth and xanax, and then repeat and it's been like that for a year and a half. He has no sponsor or program anymore and since PUA ended he is not paying his half of bills. He doesn't have a car that consistently works so this work situation has been kind of difficult to be accusatory towards. He does remodeling so he has just been picking up odd jobs here and there, and with car insurance $200 a month, a crappy car, work has been hard for him so I've given him many many options and times to get that sorted out. He finally has a consistent job lined up but at this point even if he did pay his part his the toll he has taken on me has really made me want/need a break or breather from hi. He loves me and I him, and we get along mostly, and enjoy each others company, but he also isn't there fully emotionally and I need more from my relationship both in that and physically. 2.5 years of feeling like I am waiting for him to get better is about all the patience I have and now that I can't pay my bills the stress is just too much. We are locked in a $900 month lease and a single person can't pay that, and now i can't finish my degree because he owes me so much rent money. I always said if it affected my success and finances on that level I would have to leave him, even if i loved him. He isn't lazy, he's constantly trying to fix his car, get work, door dash in a broken down car, but he's so irresponsible he doesn't make his doctor appointments on time making him go days without his seizure meds, or last it was having withdrawals from missing a suboxone appointment. That isn't fun for him nor me, and affects his ability to get to his jobs. Obviously, it seems inevitable him and I are going to take a break for what will probably be years and only entertain the thought of being with him again if he does stay sober for consistent year/years, but I just need some advice on how to deal with the fear of the terrifying possibilities that come with not seeing/checking in on your addict loved once every day/days. I still am terrified he might overdose from any of the drugs he's used, like I said in past he has abused about every substance you can think of. He doesn't have family here either, they couldn't handle his addiction and basically sent him away to the city where we met and live. They keep in touch but idk if they would welcome him back into their arms until they also see he is clean for years first. Again, he is someone I could truly see myself marrying and spending my life with after all I have been through with him IF he stays clean and sober. I just don't know how to cope with the fear of loss that I have other than going to nar anon and such things. I am terrified he is going to die and lose his battle to addiction and I don't think I can handle that fear right now. He also went through some SEVERELY traumatizing experiences regarding sexual abuse when he relapsed with fentanyl for those months when I didn't know, and he needs therapy for that, but I can't help him. He did try to find a therapist for a while but they either wanted too much money for someone who is broke, but i am sure if he kept looking he would find someone. And of course, i am willing to drive him to aa meetings at least once a week and there is not reason he shouldn't have a sponsor. Clearly he needs a program and he knows how to because he has done it all before for years. It should be said we are both 26. The side effects of suboxone maintenance alone takes a toll on him, and our relationship physically, and emotionally his depression and addiction makes it so he isn't fully there for that either. Other than unconditional love for one another our relationship is lacking in most other areas simply because of his addiction and trauma. I have given it my all in these 2.5 years to help him get to sobriety and be the healthiest version of himself he can be, but I can't take it anymore. I work to just pay bills now, when the amount of work I do at a hospital I should have a savings if he paid his full share of rent/bills, and I just can't take the stress of literally owing our electric and gas while not being sure if our rent will be covered this month. If and when we do split up and take at least a year long break from each other, how do the loved ones of addicts cope with the fear of losing them for forever? I could be happy if I knew he was clean and sober and living happily without me, and if he found someone else who was a good person I'd be thrilled, sad but happy he is happy, but I know the other possibilities might be the likelier ones, and it haunts me to my core. I am so terrified I am going to attend his funeral, and lose someone that I could have had children with, and spent my life with, had I made a different choice, etc. I know everyone says nothing is your fault, and they are going to make the decisions they want about their recovery or lack there of, but it's hard to fully accept that there is something more I couldn't have done to help. I am just tired though, and feeling neglected in this relationship, and unhappy, and I don't think there is much more I can do to help obviously but be supportive from a distance.
If you have made it this far in reading I am grateful and any advice will be appreciated. It's just so hard when you deeply love someone and the only thing keeping them from thriving is this weird illness that walks a fine line between choice and disease, that you don't know when to fill guilty or like you could've done something to help them more, etc. With cancer and other diseases it's so easy to know you've exhausted all options, but with addiction you can never tell or ask yourself if you could've done something different that would have changed a beautiful human's life. I hate addiction, I hate drugs, I hate fentanyl, and I hate the twisted people who have helped this epidemic become a thing just to make some money.... anyway, thanks for any help.
- a confused, sad, exhausted love one of a beautiful human and struggling addict
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Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 3
excuse my typos I am at work on night shift and typing all this... I should add my sister, brother in law, and friends all like him since they've got to know him, and my mother adores him. All of them knowing his addiction and a large part of his past, just want him to stay clean and live to his potential. I am truly shocked my mom approves of him given his struggles bc she is not one to take addiction lightly. His family still loves and cares for him, yet he just continues to struggle even with all this support. He's been homeless, been on his own, traveled out of state for treatment centers, lived in multiple sober houses, followed 12 step program, had a sponsor for years. yet he can't stay fully sober for long. I am incredibly proud he hasn't used fentanyl but once suboxone maintenance stops since that isn't something anyone wants to do for too long, I am worried he will relapse again with that and we all know just how horrible fentanyl is. He's lost so many of his old friends to it, his best friend recently, and I don't think he forgives himself for not helping his friend more since he cut him out of his life to not be around active users, and they hadn't talked in a year. It's just horrible all around sad situation that these drugs are taking hold of so many great people who have so much potential... I wish I could do something more to help. This opioid epidemic is sickening and horrific 
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Join Date: Jul 2022
Location: Australia
Posts: 23
Hi Gemini,
I can tell you have been through a profoundly taxing experience with this guy. My first thought when reading this, besides sensing that you are a very decent human being that loves this guy, is that at the end of the day, there is nothing that YOU can do to keep him clean, sober and recovering that you have not already done.
Only HE can affect the changes and take the actions required to get well and change his life.
And he has to want to change, he must want to get clean.
It is my experience that I was the only one that could have gotten myself clean and sober and maintained that. I finally had to go through a personal hell before I was willing to do anything to get clean and sober. No matter how much love and support I received, there was nothing anyone could have done to change me but me.
I really hope you do what is best for you and look after yourself.
Good luck
I can tell you have been through a profoundly taxing experience with this guy. My first thought when reading this, besides sensing that you are a very decent human being that loves this guy, is that at the end of the day, there is nothing that YOU can do to keep him clean, sober and recovering that you have not already done.
Only HE can affect the changes and take the actions required to get well and change his life.
And he has to want to change, he must want to get clean.
It is my experience that I was the only one that could have gotten myself clean and sober and maintained that. I finally had to go through a personal hell before I was willing to do anything to get clean and sober. No matter how much love and support I received, there was nothing anyone could have done to change me but me.
I really hope you do what is best for you and look after yourself.
Good luck
. You'll find lots of support and wisdom here. 
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,157
Sorry for your troubles
Sounds like he isn't ready to live a sober life.
Nothing you do or say will change that unfortunately.
Nice guys need to be shown the door sometimes too.
If he is into those types of drugs bad things will happen to him no matter what you do.
Having a place to live for free and get high when he wants to isn't much incentive to change.
My vote is to take care of yourself. Do what is right for you.
It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility.
Sounds like he isn't ready to live a sober life.
Nothing you do or say will change that unfortunately.
Nice guys need to be shown the door sometimes too.
If he is into those types of drugs bad things will happen to him no matter what you do.
Having a place to live for free and get high when he wants to isn't much incentive to change.
My vote is to take care of yourself. Do what is right for you.
It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by gemini22 
I know everyone says nothing is your fault, and they are going to make the decisions they want about their recovery or lack there of, but it's hard to fully accept that there is something more I couldn't have done to help. I am just tired though, and feeling neglected in this relationship, and unhappy, and I don't think there is much more I can do to help obviously but be supportive from a distance.
First of all, you might want to visit our friends and family of alcoholics forum here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/ - addiction is addiction after all and you will find a lot of support there.
How do you let the addict go and get on with his choices? If you read through the threads in that forum, you will no doubt find many stories you will relate to. You can post over there too, of course, if you want to.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). That's the truth. As much as you are jumping through hoop after hoop trying to get him sober, it's not working.
Really let that sink in. It's not working.
It's not going to. The kind of help he needs is way beyond your capability. Just like if he had something as simple as a broken arm, you wouldn't try to set it, you can't help him recover from addiction.
I still decided there's not point in not letting yourself love someone because of a struggle that lies beyond just their decisions (a touchy topic).
He is an adult after all and his choices are really his choices. I think we do have to respect people's choices (even if we don't like them). That's showing respect for the person, to do otherwise is not for them. If we want to make a change, that's up to us to change (move out, be supportive from a distance, whatever your choice is). If you decide to stay, just know nothing is changing, this will be your life, please don't expect it to change, that's hope and potential, not what's really going on.
You are totally disregarding your own wellbeing, both mental and in your daily life (rent) to try to "fix" him. You are, as the saying goes, setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Perhaps he needs to go back to the sober living facility, or somewhere else to live. You can't afford to support him, he can't get his life together, what other option do you have, how much are you willing to sacrifice?
You can't really help anyone if you aren't looking after yourself. Perhaps it's time to focus on yourself and what you want. Will it hurt to have him leave? Of course, it will take time to heal, but isn't this hurting?
Really, your role in his addiction right now is just enabling him to continue while you support him. He spends "his" money on drugs, while you go in to debt.
There is a book which is the most often recommended for family and friends here - Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I think you would find it really helpful in firming up your boundaries.
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Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation. I have to be honest, making your boyfriend do weekly drug tests and checking his phone, doesn't sound at all like a good relationship. It's understandable that you don't trust him, but trying to control his behaviour seems demeaning for both of you.
As others have said, there is little you can do until and unless he decides to seek treatment for his addiction. I hope you decide to focus on yourself.
As others have said, there is little you can do until and unless he decides to seek treatment for his addiction. I hope you decide to focus on yourself.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I think its time to close the door on this one. Taking care of a grown adult in the way you have is not healthy for you or him. Weekly drug tests, phone checks, lack of trust, etc. It just sounds utterly exhausting and not worth anyone's time.
As for the worry about him if he leaves? Well, you are already overly worried about him while he is there. There may be some codependent issues here and it might be helpful to seek out counseling for yourself. Just to clear some stuff up. Get some clarity on the matter. Focusing on yourself and your life is the priority. Focusing on a drug addict and his care, lack of care, etc, is not the priority. You deserve better! Seriously.
As for the worry about him if he leaves? Well, you are already overly worried about him while he is there. There may be some codependent issues here and it might be helpful to seek out counseling for yourself. Just to clear some stuff up. Get some clarity on the matter. Focusing on yourself and your life is the priority. Focusing on a drug addict and his care, lack of care, etc, is not the priority. You deserve better! Seriously.
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