StartingLife

Hi all so I'm new here and this is my first post. I guess it's the first time I've really needed to speak to people who might understand what I'm feeling. Maybe I just need to write it out here to gain some perspective, I don't know.
So brief background, I am currently 41 days sober after 30 years of alcohol and substance abuse with alcohol being the primary issue. I have done this alone this time as previously tried AA and it wasn't for me. This time around I have felt different to the other times. Previously I used to be bargaining with myself the whole time "you've done 5 days, you've proved you can do it so you're fine to drink again" of course I wasnt and the cycle would repeat. I was at the point where for the 4th time in my life it seemed better that I just disappeared leading to me attempting to unalive myself, whilst drunk and after taking cocaine. At this point I had been drinking heavily for a few days (not unusual sadly) and the decision to quit meant I went through very real withdrawals for the first time ever and that made me realise quite how serious things had now got. I believe my liver was starting to struggle as my eyes were yellow, I had huge boils appearing on my skin and was in pain constantly. Thank goodness I am now past the dreadful withdrawal and have started to recover in time.

So the actual reason for this post is that last night I faced my very biggest challenge and it's left me feeling incredibly deflated which is NOT what I expected?!!
I went out with friends to watch the sunset, and afterwards decided to meet another group of friends on their night out. I hadn't even considered this until now as I didn't trust myself but I felt confident I could make good choices. I wasn't at all prepared for how hard it was watching them all sharing a bottle of wine, all being on the same wavelength where I wasn't. We went to a very loud pub next and at this point I started to struggle, music, the smell of alcohol, the loud laughing and confidence of everyone. I decided to try my first non alcoholic beer to see if that helped. It really did actually and I didn't feel like such an outsider with a green bottle in my hand but the next stop was a club and here I just felt so so sad 😔 I love house music and the atmosphere was great but I just felt the loss of not being able to drink so intensely. I felt like I didn't belong and realised there was no point me being there without drinking. I had this huge internal arguement and eventually (bravely in my opinion) chose to leave. I was home by 11.30 and glad I made the decision I did.
What I now don't understand is the intense sadness I am now feeling?
I should be absolutely over the moon that I didn't drink, I was safe, I came home, I am not hungover etc etc but instead whilst I feel proud what I feel more strongly at this point is grief?!!! Grief for my previous life? How? It was awful but I am so lost without being able to partake. I don't even know who this new person is? What things does she enjoy? How does she fit it? I'm incredibly sad today and for the first time since quitting I wonder if I really can do this forever 😔
I have a fun day out today paddle boarding and so I hope things distraction will help and that these feelings pass but what if they don't?

Any advice so so gratefully received and if you've actually got to here thankyou so much for reading ❤️

PhoenixJ

I get you SL. Alcohol was my life...I really only stopped because I was so unwell, my family abandoned me...so being without a fixed address I was homeless. I was full of guilt/shame, fears, a life/death situation. I never got a 'spiritual awakening' with peace and joy. No, it was hard, joyless, no family. I was full of grief/shame, sadness and such loneliness as family had disowned me. It was,(and still is, at times) very hard, raw and full of pain. But slowly, with professional support, meetings, SR and my own decision to be sober...things are slowly getting better. Try to take your recovery day by day and plan to do stuff, to distract the crap feelings .

Mags1

Hi StartingLife, welcome to SR

Giving up alcohol can feel like losing an old friend. I had similar feelings to yourself. Happy that I didn’t drink and make a fool of myself and no regrets, but it hurt that I couldn’t drink like others. I felt it wasn’t fair. ….

This is natural I’m sure, almost like grieving an old friend.

Thing is, we can’t drink like others do. I don’t have an ‘off ‘ switch to stop and usually only stopped when I crashed out.

You’ve come to the right place though. Many people like ourselves who understand what we’re going through.

I wrote a Weekender thread a while back titled FOMO (FEAR OF MISSING OUT) if you want to have a look and read people’s posts.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...highlight=FOMO (FOMO at Weekends? Weekenders 17 - 20 September 2021)

Keep posting and reading SR. (SoberRecovery) You’ll start to see and understand why and learn how to live sober and happy.

least

for the first time since quitting I wonder if I really can do this forever

Please don't believe that you'll always feel like this. You are still in early sobriety and it can be a roller coaster ride at times. But stay sober every day and it will get better, I promise.

StartingLife

Thankyou all so much for your replies, am having a little cry this morning as all a bit overwhelming but I think maybe it's time to hang out on SR a little more, maybe share some of my thoughts here as the support might help me. I do talk to my friends but the amount of times already that people say "well surely you can just have one"
I feel understood here already. .Thankyou for the link to the FOMO thread. I will have a read now ❤️

StartingLife

Thankyou I didn't expect to feel like this, I thought I would always just reap the sobriety benefits now so this gut wrenching sadness is a bit of a shock but you're right it's still very early. I maybe attempted a little bit too much too soon ❤️

Dee74

welcome aboard StartingLife

I think a lot of us drank for a long time - for a while after I quit I still thought like a drinker.

Have no fear tho - you won't always feel this way - I can go out anywhere with anyone and not feel a sense of loss when I'm not drinking. I prefer being sober.

It takes a little time tho - it might be wise to think about the invites you accept for a while. There's no point in making yourself miserable...be clever with the things you go to for a while?

D

StartingLife

Thankyou, I think I definitely tried to do too much too soon. As a drinker I was always the last man (woman actually but 🤷🏻‍♀️) standing, didn't know when to call it a night, one of the many differences between an alcoholic and a social drinker I guess. I think I still had that mindset last night so instead of finishing my evening with the first group of friends I decided to join the next lot who were 4 hours plus into a drinking night. In hindsight it was very silly but I'm trying to figure out who on earth this new version of me is. Maybe I'm not the stay all night (and 3 days after) person I was pre sobriety and I mean that's probably a good thing 🤣
it's amazing how much better writing all this down makes things! ❤️

Hodd

Hi StartingLife, first off massive well done for not drinking in that pub. You certainly put yourself through a tough test, and I’m sure many would’ve fallen. Maybe the negative feelings the next day were FOMO?

If you do go to a pub again soon, have a look around. Do some people watching. Maybe I go to the wrong pubs (for a coffee 🤪 ), but I see bored people not enjoying their drink and looking worse for wear and often overweight unfortunately. That was me a few years ago. It’s a c**p life, and you’re way better off away from it.

VikingGF

StartingLife- this is a fantastic post for a couple of reasons. First and most importantly, you stayed sober in a situation where it would have been very easy to go back to your old ways- this is HUGE. You recognized and reacted the way a sober person would- and yes, you should be very proud of that. Second- you are verbalizing the loss of something that was a big part of your life, even though it was pretty terrible- the grief is real for sure, and you have to process it rather than stuff it down because until you understand that you can be a happy, content person, you will pine for that old life. Recognizing this feeling as grief and not "I want to drink" is also a very big deal. 41 days is fantastic!!! It may just not be time yet for you to be in situations like the one you talk about- but that does not mean that down the road you won't be able to be part of that scene- fully sober and secure in your non-drinker status. In fact, don't be surprised if you find you no longer enjoy those settings- I found that it's fine for a little while, but being around intoxicated people quickly becomes boring and monotonous. And like Hodd says, if you really look around- it's just people who are still in a horrible battle- and most of them don't even know it.

You're allowed to be sad- for a little while. Spend time thinking about how successful you were in a potentially dangerous (for your sobriety and future) situation you were in, and you handled it like a long-timer. Very well done. Keep going.

And yes, hang out here more. It's a fabulous place, and I spend a lot of my nights right here, with my friends, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, because I'm not.

DriGuy

As Least pointed out, it's still early. You got through the withdrawals and cravings, and while that's a huge accomplishment, you are not expected to feel normal yet. You have avoided the trigger environments, until this recent foray back to them, and that was a requirement for me. Early on, I wondered about eventually going back to the environment without drinking, but I lost interest in bars and parties. I was aided by the fact that I had come to hate myself so much as a drunk, it wasn't worth it, and eventually, I came to realize I didn't want to do it anyway.

For you, there is still a lingering attachment to the old life, and some have navigated those waters successfully, but I believe, they are in a minority. I'm not sure, but I think most of us were happy to be out of the scene for good. Whether you are one of those like Hodd, who has managed to keep a foot in the scene without drinking, remains to be seen. But for some reason, it seems important to tell you that for the rest of your life, you must remain committed to not drinking. None of us here can do it without experiencing a different outcome, even after several months or even years without a drink. If you have any thoughts about someday drinking like a normie, rid yourself of that "someday" nostalgia, because it's never going to happen.

We all experience this second phase of recovery a little differently, some of us were so glad to be off the merry go round, that enjoying a cool one was such a distasteful idea that we never missed it. Others struggle with it for a while, and some have a harder time giving up the old life than others.

Alcoholism is too complex to explain it in a post. And I don't think it can be done in a book, but breaking the cycle and then never drinking again seems to be the universally agreed "cure." Keep posting. Contact with others who understand was a big help for me. In fact, I doubt that I could have done it without others. But there again, I know a few have done it without that specific help.

I'm glad you are here, and I enjoyed your introduction. Best wishes. It gets better.

Mizz

I think you are doing great. It is normal to grieve. Its okay. You are right where you need to be. You may find, with time, that the establishments where you once had a good time do not offer this for you any longer. You may need to find other activities that keep you on solid stable ground. Its early on in your mission to maintain sobriety. Its a different life. One that can be filled with positive life affirming activities. Its a whole new world, really.

This road is not an easy walk but it does get better. The only thing that makes it better is time. Lots of time and patience with ourselves. Give yourself a pat on the back for maintaining sobriety while being surrounded by alcohol.
Also, stay true to yourself. You know what is good for you. No, we cannot just have one. This is not in the cards for some of us. Its okay. Life is 1000% better without alcohol.

novips

Couple of reactions:

1. You say that you "previously tried AA and it wasn't for me." Please keep an open mind about this. I've lost count of the number of people who said this at some point in their alcoholic journey only to later realize that A.A. was the only thing that would actually work for them in terms of long-term sobriety (I'm one of those people). Unfortunately, some die an alcoholic death before figuring this out. To be clear, I have no idea whether you're one of these types. But if you are, then concluding that A.A. isn't for you is like a diabetic concluding insulin isn't for them.

2. If you really love house music, then you'll eventually be able to enjoy it as much as before without alcohol or any other mind-altering drug. But, first things first -- and building your foundation of sobriety comes first. So, I'd definitely suggest avoiding the clubs till you're more grounded. If and when you do go back, go with a sober group. Hearkening back to #1, you may find some sober house-heads in local A.A. meetings.

StartingLife

I can't thank everyone here enough for being so welcoming and for such sincere and understanding replies it's really made me feel so much better than I did when I wrote this post.
Since the very first decision to stop drinking for good I've had new questions arise and not known who to speak to for answers. I now know I can write something here and will get answers from people who truely have experienced what I am going through or at the very least can offer real empathy so I'm very happy I've found SR.
I think I didn't realise until it was pointed out how well I'd actually handled the situation. It felt more like a failure somehow than a success but actually looking at it from a clearer mindset I really did handle it like a sober person. I guess that's what is so confusing, I've never handled ANYTHING like that because I've always avoided having to deal with difficult situations by drinking and then decisions were not needed to be made by me at all. Goodness, writing that it sounds awful but it's the truth 😔
The past can stay where it belongs for now although I am slowly going to have to unpack it I will tackle one issue at a time.
This weekend I stayed sober despite adversity 💪 it's a victory and I can cry for my past life as long as I don't go back to live there ❤️

RunningScared

Don't underestimate how awesome you are for being able to leave that situation and not cave in!

Hevyn

It's so good to meet you, StartingLife. I was very relieved when I first found this wonderful group. I no longer felt alone, & that was everything.

I definitely exerienced the same strange sense of loss when I was newly sober. Drinking had been part of everything fun & exciting I'd ever done - and it had gone on for decades. Even though it was slowly destroying me, it was like losing a dear friend (as Mags mentioned). There was definitely a grieving process. I knew feeling that way was illogical - it meant to kill me!

I once read that we tend to have a euphoric recall about our drinking life, no matter where it has led us - the devastation it has caused. I spent way too much time desperately clinging to the idea that I could be a social drinker if I used enough willpower. That way of thinking nearly led me to an early death. I, too, drank 30 yrs. I am now sober 14 yrs. I got through the adjustment period with some tears & regret - but I know in my heart I can never touch the stuff again. The feeling of freedom from it has taken over, & I no longer feel sorry for myself or that I'm missing out. You will get there! Congratulations on your 41 days.

Hodd

Hi again SL, I’m too polite to ask about ages, but I’d guess by the “noisy pubs” you’re not that old 🙂

It’s never too late to quit - I did so at 49 and life’s amazing - but to do so at a younger age, the world really is your oyster (cliche alert). The amount of years, decades even, a lot of us wasted is very sad. Lucky lucky you is all I can say. Very well done.

StartingLife

This did make me laugh I am at a difficult age of 41 where I feel I should be grown up but having lived my adult life relying on drink and at times other substances I am actually still rather "young" I think 🤔
I imagine I will feel more of a grown up as a sober person. This is something I hadn't really given much thought to until now but it will definitely give me a more sensible glow than I've ever had. Maybe it will suit me......and if it doesn't Ill have to just say because it's staying 💪
Thankyou for your reply to my post. All these replies are helping so much.

StartingLife

Thankyou, I think I'm still in shock 🤣

StartingLife

SO strange that I could romanticise about drinking because honestly some of it was shocking and 30 years is a long time of shocking behaviours.
I think I will have a look through SR for book suggestions as I think the more I can understand the better