Pour me
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,301
Pour me
Pour me? Or poor me?
The oral surgeon said that my jaw is worse and he recommended the surgery. I’m praying insurance covers it (it’s 200-400k). It’s a big incision in front of my ear. And a full month of downtime. No running; nothing. Years of clenching did this. It was bad even before my bike accident. But I guess the accident pushed me over the edge. Luckily they don’t wire my mouth shut.
I looked in the mirror today. I’m a bloated mess. Even my shoes are tight.
I’m sorry if this part is tmi. Tomorrow I get an iud to prevent cancer (I have a ten percent chance of it with this new diagnosis). The iud is temporary until
I get my hysterectomy.
My eyes are bloodshot. Even my feet are bloated.
Please don’t say that you feel badly for me about the surgery. If you say that, it will only justify my drinking.
I need to dig deep. I need to enjoy these days of being active instead of nursing a hangover.
I haven even tried to look for a new job.
I hate myself.
The oral surgeon said that my jaw is worse and he recommended the surgery. I’m praying insurance covers it (it’s 200-400k). It’s a big incision in front of my ear. And a full month of downtime. No running; nothing. Years of clenching did this. It was bad even before my bike accident. But I guess the accident pushed me over the edge. Luckily they don’t wire my mouth shut.
I looked in the mirror today. I’m a bloated mess. Even my shoes are tight.
I’m sorry if this part is tmi. Tomorrow I get an iud to prevent cancer (I have a ten percent chance of it with this new diagnosis). The iud is temporary until
I get my hysterectomy.
My eyes are bloodshot. Even my feet are bloated.
Please don’t say that you feel badly for me about the surgery. If you say that, it will only justify my drinking.
I need to dig deep. I need to enjoy these days of being active instead of nursing a hangover.
I haven even tried to look for a new job.
I hate myself.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,301
Would someone please help me join the class of thread? Or can someone explain what it is again? Thank you so much.
Have the three dogs on the bed. Going to read the New Yorker. It’s a nice night out.
Have the three dogs on the bed. Going to read the New Yorker. It’s a nice night out.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
PL people will respond to you whatever way they think will help, because they want to help you.
If you feel like certain responses will make you drink, then the AV really has its claws in, and you need to think about those alternate or additional avenues of support I and others have posted about in your previous threads.
It sounds like a hard road ahead but I believe you can get through it, and get through it sober.
I hope you'll get to a place soon where nothing justifies you drinking again PL.
D
If you feel like certain responses will make you drink, then the AV really has its claws in, and you need to think about those alternate or additional avenues of support I and others have posted about in your previous threads.
It sounds like a hard road ahead but I believe you can get through it, and get through it sober.
I hope you'll get to a place soon where nothing justifies you drinking again PL.
D
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Here's the July thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-1-a-9.html
You may get something out of the weekender thread too if you haven't seen it already
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-2022-a.html (Is Sobriety Boring - Weekenders 22 - 25 July 2022)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-1-a-9.html
You may get something out of the weekender thread too if you haven't seen it already
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-2022-a.html (Is Sobriety Boring - Weekenders 22 - 25 July 2022)
Member
Join Date: May 2022
Posts: 137
Hi Peke,
After my last and final self destructive binge 32 days ago, my mammogram came back with an "anomaly " . They're sending me for an ultrasound and a MRI.
All I remember thinking is "thank God I'm not the sick, shaking, out of it mess I was a month ago"
Thank God I have my wits about me, even though it's still early days.
These things are SO much more difficult to handle when one is a bloated, shaking, confused mess.
A month ago that was me.
After my last and final self destructive binge 32 days ago, my mammogram came back with an "anomaly " . They're sending me for an ultrasound and a MRI.
All I remember thinking is "thank God I'm not the sick, shaking, out of it mess I was a month ago"
Thank God I have my wits about me, even though it's still early days.
These things are SO much more difficult to handle when one is a bloated, shaking, confused mess.
A month ago that was me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 975
I was RIGHT where you are and could be again very quickly. It's only been 13 weeks for me. But when I was in your spot 13 days seemed unachievable. AA, Smart, Rational Recovery, church, rehab, counseling, support from family/friends - those same friends/family also pretty much cut me off for a month or so because they were simply pi$$ed and thought that card may help.
Their supportive words, turned into disgusted words. Both were relevant, real feelings. When I turned a corner, looking back - I could not do this without support. I was hospitalized a handful of times for seizures as well.
In the end, (though I am still in early recovery) it is ME that has to do this. ME that has to live with this. Although I don't work a program 100%, I take what I need, what is working and leave the rest. Like you, I hated myself (still kinda do for allowing alcohol to consume my life). Like you, I was harder (still am) on myself than anyone else could even think of. I was drowning in a pit of sorrow, self pity, self hate ect. IDK how many years I have even been coming to SR, but it's been alot. A few diff screen names too, because I was away for so long I'd forgotten the passwords.
Sounds like you have support and a lot to lose if you don't stop. Including your life. You sound like you otherwise take care of your self health wise. Same here. Salads, smoothies, healthy eating - while drinking a bottle of vodka a day. Makes sense, doesn't it? Haha. I hope you can dig deep. Get to the store and gear up for some healthy nutritional food, lots of h20. Set up some things to binge on tv. Take a week, detox and get this train rolling. Let go of the guilt, shame, remorse, self pity, self hatred. That's what alcohol does to you. Each drink, each bottle just keeps you drowing in that cesspool. One day you may not be strong enough to pull yourself out. People (your husband it sounds like too) are throwing you a lifeline. Take it.
Their supportive words, turned into disgusted words. Both were relevant, real feelings. When I turned a corner, looking back - I could not do this without support. I was hospitalized a handful of times for seizures as well.
In the end, (though I am still in early recovery) it is ME that has to do this. ME that has to live with this. Although I don't work a program 100%, I take what I need, what is working and leave the rest. Like you, I hated myself (still kinda do for allowing alcohol to consume my life). Like you, I was harder (still am) on myself than anyone else could even think of. I was drowning in a pit of sorrow, self pity, self hate ect. IDK how many years I have even been coming to SR, but it's been alot. A few diff screen names too, because I was away for so long I'd forgotten the passwords.
Sounds like you have support and a lot to lose if you don't stop. Including your life. You sound like you otherwise take care of your self health wise. Same here. Salads, smoothies, healthy eating - while drinking a bottle of vodka a day. Makes sense, doesn't it? Haha. I hope you can dig deep. Get to the store and gear up for some healthy nutritional food, lots of h20. Set up some things to binge on tv. Take a week, detox and get this train rolling. Let go of the guilt, shame, remorse, self pity, self hatred. That's what alcohol does to you. Each drink, each bottle just keeps you drowing in that cesspool. One day you may not be strong enough to pull yourself out. People (your husband it sounds like too) are throwing you a lifeline. Take it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
What if you took some of your free time and volunteered somewhere to help other people? It might get you out of yourself for awhile. Allow you to focus on something positive. Allow you some breathing room from the negative.
There is a lot to be grateful for, Peke.
There is a lot to be grateful for, Peke.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,301
Mizz,
Thank you so much for your suggestions! Would you believe that I do volunteer in my community quite a bit. I do trash pickup for my immediate neighborhood (we call ourselves “girls in paradise”) I volunteer for our local thrift store where we take donated clothing and other items, clean them up and allow ppl to take ten items for free. I also do our annual biking race (262 miles of course marking) all three triathlon races and trail maintenance for our running/walking/cycling trail systems. On Thanksgiving I donate my time at the Elks lodge to prepare/serve and bus tables for our free thanksgiving meal.
What I’m not doing is looking for a job that would give me some sense of self-worth and would make my drinking impossible because I’d have deadlines, if that makes sense. It would help my husband switch his hours to part-time too.
Magnolia,
Thank you so much for what you wrote!!
I’m sorry about your mammogram. I understand what you’re saying. Things are so much more difficult to process when you’re hungover and mentally off track. I’m sending you positive thoughts for your ultrasound. Please let us know how it goes,
Behappy,
Your candor/honestly is amazing, I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve written.
“Get to the store and gear up for some healthy nutritional food, lots of h20. Set up some things to binge on tv. Take a week, detox and get this train rolling. Let go of the guilt, shame, remorse, self pity, self hatred. That's what alcohol does to you. Each drink, each bottle just keeps you drowing in that cesspool. One day you may not be strong enough to pull yourself out. People (your husband it sounds like too) are throwing you a lifeline. Take it.”
Such great advice. I can’t thank you enough. For this. And also for the part about your relationship with SR. I might be wrong about this. But I feel like some ppl are frustrated with me here. I’m doing my best! I’ve seen ppl wrote here when they’re clearly intoxicated. I’ve not done that. I’m trying.
Thank you again.
Thank you so much for your suggestions! Would you believe that I do volunteer in my community quite a bit. I do trash pickup for my immediate neighborhood (we call ourselves “girls in paradise”) I volunteer for our local thrift store where we take donated clothing and other items, clean them up and allow ppl to take ten items for free. I also do our annual biking race (262 miles of course marking) all three triathlon races and trail maintenance for our running/walking/cycling trail systems. On Thanksgiving I donate my time at the Elks lodge to prepare/serve and bus tables for our free thanksgiving meal.
What I’m not doing is looking for a job that would give me some sense of self-worth and would make my drinking impossible because I’d have deadlines, if that makes sense. It would help my husband switch his hours to part-time too.
Magnolia,
Thank you so much for what you wrote!!
I’m sorry about your mammogram. I understand what you’re saying. Things are so much more difficult to process when you’re hungover and mentally off track. I’m sending you positive thoughts for your ultrasound. Please let us know how it goes,
Behappy,
Your candor/honestly is amazing, I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve written.
“Get to the store and gear up for some healthy nutritional food, lots of h20. Set up some things to binge on tv. Take a week, detox and get this train rolling. Let go of the guilt, shame, remorse, self pity, self hatred. That's what alcohol does to you. Each drink, each bottle just keeps you drowing in that cesspool. One day you may not be strong enough to pull yourself out. People (your husband it sounds like too) are throwing you a lifeline. Take it.”
Such great advice. I can’t thank you enough. For this. And also for the part about your relationship with SR. I might be wrong about this. But I feel like some ppl are frustrated with me here. I’m doing my best! I’ve seen ppl wrote here when they’re clearly intoxicated. I’ve not done that. I’m trying.
Thank you again.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi Peke,
I think you seem to be in a situation where you believe the real you is the AV, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Addiction will always try and find a way in. Sometimes it’ll convince you it’s fun, sometimes that it will help with some kind of pain, calm you down. And this, I’m sure you know never turns out to be the case.
The last resort for addiction to exist, in my view, is the “ just because” stage, which I think is where you are. It tries to convince you that you are the alcoholic train wreck, and there’s no way around it.
But that’s not the case either, at all.
It may well be that all the problems you have been mentioning are 100% real and exactly as you described them, with or without alcohol in the picture, but what is not real is your inability to deal with them without drinking.
You need to break the cycle, as hard as it is, and then, even if the problems don’t disappear, you’ll be able to plan and execute solutions.
It’s clear to me in your posts that you want things to change. And you can change them, And you know how to. Go for it!
You can do this!
I think you seem to be in a situation where you believe the real you is the AV, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Addiction will always try and find a way in. Sometimes it’ll convince you it’s fun, sometimes that it will help with some kind of pain, calm you down. And this, I’m sure you know never turns out to be the case.
The last resort for addiction to exist, in my view, is the “ just because” stage, which I think is where you are. It tries to convince you that you are the alcoholic train wreck, and there’s no way around it.
But that’s not the case either, at all.
It may well be that all the problems you have been mentioning are 100% real and exactly as you described them, with or without alcohol in the picture, but what is not real is your inability to deal with them without drinking.
You need to break the cycle, as hard as it is, and then, even if the problems don’t disappear, you’ll be able to plan and execute solutions.
It’s clear to me in your posts that you want things to change. And you can change them, And you know how to. Go for it!
You can do this!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Posts: 61,470
Originally Posted by Pekelover2 
What I’m not doing is looking for a job that would give me some sense of self-worth and would make my drinking impossible because I’d have deadlines, if that makes sense.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
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Mr. PL
Thanks so much. I’m def in the “just because” stage. I just feel weak and unmotivated to change this awful cycle. But I’ll try. It was so nice to wake up sober today. Even though my body is still bloated and my face looks swollen too. Thank you!
Anna,
you’re always so kind. I’m digging!! Got my shovel and I’m really digging! Thank you!!
Thank you Farrier
Thanks so much. I’m def in the “just because” stage. I just feel weak and unmotivated to change this awful cycle. But I’ll try. It was so nice to wake up sober today. Even though my body is still bloated and my face looks swollen too. Thank you!
Anna,
you’re always so kind. I’m digging!! Got my shovel and I’m really digging! Thank you!!
Thank you Farrier
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Originally Posted by Pekelover2
What I’m not doing is looking for a job that would give me some sense of self-worth and would make my drinking impossible because I’d have deadlines, if that makes sense. It would help my husband switch his hours to part-time too.
Such great advice. I can’t thank you enough. For this. And also for the part about your relationship with SR. I might be wrong about this. But I feel like some ppl are frustrated with me here. I’m doing my best! I’ve seen ppl wrote here when they’re clearly intoxicated. I’ve not done that. I’m trying.
Thank you again.
Such great advice. I can’t thank you enough. For this. And also for the part about your relationship with SR. I might be wrong about this. But I feel like some ppl are frustrated with me here. I’m doing my best! I’ve seen ppl wrote here when they’re clearly intoxicated. I’ve not done that. I’m trying.
Thank you again.
Keeping busy is great but, in my experience, its not really the basis of continued long term recovery.
There will always be downtime....
I'm not sure its frustration exactly you're sensing here either - but it might be worry.
People are very worried about you and what might happen if you continue on this present course.
As for people drinking and posting - it might not be the dreadful thing you think it is.
I know a few folks here who came here in that situation but turned things around...and a lot of people who only posted after they'd finished the latest binge drinking who were stuck in that same pattern for years.
Don't get stuck PL.
D
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Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
Peke, I am sorry for what you are dealing with but that does not say I'm giving you the ok to drink. That's empathy and the reason for it is because we all need it sometimes. It's not pity, it's not judgement. On the whole, this is a pretty non-judgmental place. I was on and off and on and off the rollercoaster too, and I WISH I had come here the way you do. Maybe I would have stopped sooner. Sometimes when we post in support of someone struggling, it may sound harsh or judgmental, but what it really is, is earnest. I want so badly for you to know you can kick this habit in the pants, and be done with it forever. You know why? Because I was there too. Hopeless and so lost in my own misery that I could not see the way out. I know the answer now- don't drink. Just don't do that, no matter what. If the world is to end tomorrow, no drinks. As bad as it all may seem, drinking makes everything, especially bad stuff, near impossible to deal with- you can't see a rational way to cope because your drinking brain is not a thinking brain. You ask what can you do? Don't drink. Why do you do things that cause drama? Doesn't matter- don't drink. Why are you like this? Don't drink. Decide you have had enough of the abuse, you won't take it anymore and declare war on your worst enemy. How do you do that? Don't drink.
We are here for you no matter what- keep posting, listen to what is being said and take it how it is given, with love and concern. We know where you are coming from.
It will work out- just don't drink.
We are here for you no matter what- keep posting, listen to what is being said and take it how it is given, with love and concern. We know where you are coming from.
It will work out- just don't drink.
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Thank you so much, Viking. I appreciate what you wrote. It was honest, but incredibly kind. I appreciate the fact that you say that I’m not posting too frequently. I can tell you are sincerely concerned about me.
This is so kind: “I want so badly for you to know you can kick this habit in the pants, and be done with it forever. You know why? Because I was there too. Hopeless and so lost in my own misery that I could not see the way out. I know the answer now- don't drink. Just don't do that, no matter what. If the world is to end tomorrow, no drinks.”
Thank you Viking!
This is so kind: “I want so badly for you to know you can kick this habit in the pants, and be done with it forever. You know why? Because I was there too. Hopeless and so lost in my own misery that I could not see the way out. I know the answer now- don't drink. Just don't do that, no matter what. If the world is to end tomorrow, no drinks.”
Thank you Viking!
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