Pekelover2

And I’m blowing it.
My husband works the overnight shift. He’s begging me not to drink tonight.
This is my life. I’m driving this car. I’m in control. I just want to be sober. I just want peace. Why is this so difficult.
My life is good.
I see the oral surgeon today to discuss my jaw surgery. But even that isn’t an excuse to binge like I’ve been doing. I hate myself. I hate myself. I really do.
Please don’t reply to this. I feel so guilty when you guys offer me support. I just needed for you to know how desperate my husband is. He’s going into work in a busy ED. And he’s worried that I’m going to get drunk. How pathetic am I? He should leave me. I would

ToughChoices

Peke,
I'm an addict, but I found soberrecovery.com as a normie dealing with my husband's alcoholic drinking. He was 32. I was 23. I LOVED and lost my ex to alcoholism. I left him because I couldn't deal with my fear and his refusal to STOP (say "never again", join AA, make abstinence a goal). Loving someone who desperately needed alcohol was the most painful experience of my life. And I'm saying that as an addict who is 5 months free from addiction. I would quit my drug of choice ANY DAY OF THE WEEK, rather than deal with loving someone who won't/can't accept the help they desperately need.
I am telling you this in hope that it will give you a glimpse into your husband's frame of mind. If he seems controlling or crazy, it's coming from a place of intense concern and love. He loves you. Love yourself enough to figure a path out of this nonsense.
For me that path looked like: never drinking/using again.

You can do it.
-TC

Dee74

Hi PL

I’m not going to help you kick your own butt

There are many many avenues of support out there, many things that will help you find change - meeting based things like AA , SMART recovery, lifering…other methods like Rational Recovery, doctors, counsellor, inpatient and outpatient rehab.

You could even use SR a little more, outside those times when you feel despair…build up a support network, join a ‘Class of’ thread.

From your posts here and the things you’ve achieved in your life I know you are smart, disciplined and brave.

To find that person again and that strength is not an impossibility, but you need to act, and act now.

What are you going to do?

D

nez

I have never been good at being told what to do, even if asked politely, so I apologize if my replying increases your guilt, but it helps me because i can't keep what I have unless I give freely of it. Also it could possibly help someone else.

My wife hung with me through all the hell I drug her through, when she should have left me. She experienced first hand, the desperation and powerlessness your husband is probably feeling at the moment.

I just wanted to be sober. I just wanted peace. My esteem was in the gutter because I kept failing. A wise friend said that if I wanted to build up my self esteem, I needed to start doing estimable things. If I wanted to be sober, I needed to start doing things sober. If I wanted peace, I needed to do things that emanated with peace not chaos.

Sounds simple. It is. I am not going to lie and say it is easy, because it ain't...but it is doable. Don't think or try to change in leaps and bounds. Think in and change in baby steps. Keep it simple, just be sure to keep plugging along because progress is progress, even in inches. Give your husband reason to stay by beginning and continuing to change. He obviously loves you, so any amount of encouragement shown by your changing, will come through to him at full volume. It won't take much.

My wife deserved better than me... a better me gave her hope...and she hung around. We both now have the life we deserve. You can experience the same. It isn't magic, just work, but it is magical. :~)

Steely

Only way to get sober is to not drink. Today.

I tried to keep it brief Peke.

No encouragement. Direct.

MrPL

Hi Peke,

If this is your life, it can be yours to live, or yours to change.

Which one is it going to be?

You can do this.

Nonsensical

Ask better questions.
Because this IS your life.
Someone participating on this forum has answers that you need. Find them.
You haven't done anything that hasn't been done before.
You are no more pathetic than the rest of us.
We are your tribe.
Ask better questions.

Hevyn

Peke - Just think how free you'd feel if you let go of the idea that drinking was enhancing your life in any way! It brings only misery, regret, remorse, desperation, humiliation. I don't know why we cling to it when we know this.

Mizz

Yes, it is your life. You get to choose your own adventure.
May the force be with you. Perhaps the "force" is this forum for the evening.

Hawkeye13

A better question would be “how am I going to revise / reframe my recovery plan to address where it hasn’t worked, and make it stronger where it is working?”

That kind of question will yield positive results and movement in the direction you want to go.

You are a scientist—what hypothesis are working and which need amendment?

You have more data—use it and beat this thing.

Pekelover2

Thank you all for your help. I’m sorry if I’m annoying or if I’m acting childish. I’m really trying.

I shouldn’t just pop in here when I need help. I should be consistent.

Would some explain to me how the Class of thread works.

TC: I’m in tears. Truly. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I see what it looks like for my husband now.

Thank you Steely.
Thank you Mr. Pl
Thank you nonsensical
Thank you Hevyn
Thank you Hawkeye
Thank you Mizz
Dee: I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m so incredibly sick right now. I can barely think straight. But I’m not drinking tonight.
Nez: good grief I’m close to tears after what you wrote. Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate it so much. Like you, I don’t think that I like being told what to do.

Hodd

In all honesty, Peke, my wife left me because of my drinking. It could well happen to you. You know how to reduce the chances of this.

i did say before you weren’t ready to quit. There are no lifestyle changes from what I can see Sorry.

Dee74

There no mystery to the class threads PL - you post in them daily or several times a day - sometimes you might want help, sometime you might want to help someone else. Sometimes you might have burning recovery issues to speak of, other day you might just want to talk about goals for the day etc. or vent about something, or simply share a success...

D

RAL

Maybe keep it simple for now rather than get overwhelmed. Just do everything and anything to not drink today. The days will start to add up and as you feel better you;ll see things more clearly. you can get through each day/night.even but posting on here and doing anything you need to do to not drink.

focus on you. you can't get sober for your husband. just for you.

keeppushing

Hi Peke. I'm going through the same feelings you are right now. I spent an hour journalling this morning, going deep, working on reframing my thoughts lest they define me. I got some relief out of it. But reading your post and knowing I'm not alone gave me more relief. So I'll open up a bit in case you find it helpful.

I'm the drink every day heavily type of person. The last few weeks I've been slowly turning things around by basically following advice similar to Nez's (also echoed by DriGuy in another thread: changing behaviour leads to changing feelings). Every day I wake up a little early so that I am alone and work hard on my shame and self-loathing. My goal is total abstinence. But I celebrate my milestones. The first time I didn't have a drink as soon as I woke up. The first time I didn't drink until noon. The first time I was abstinent when my young daughter came home from nursery and I could play with her. My first day 1, when I spent the evening connecting sober with my wife. I relapsed but I had a new milestone: My first day 2. I got there and woke up for the first time feeling fresh and optimistic.

As Nez says, I'm slowly but surely breaking the drink - shame cycle by working on healthy activities sober. I still am drowning in self-loathing. I have a lot of hard work and challenges ahead of me. But I am getting better at it.

Nez is also right about my wife seeing the changes and being (usually) far more supportive and happier with me.

KP

Zebra1275

Stay sober for one hour at a time. Eventually, a bunch of consecutive hours becomes a day.

Then do the same thing tomorrow. That's what I did in the beginning.

Pekelover2

Dee,
Forgive me. But I don’t understand what the difference is between posting in a class thread and posting here in the general forum. I’m not trying to make it mysterious or anything! So what’s the difference between writing *here* and writing in the “class of July” thread?

Pekelover2

Aww thanks, Zebra. You’re very kind!

Keep,
it’s so nice to have people like you around here! I love everything that you wrote. I understand what you meant about changing your behaviors. Thank you for understanding what I’m going through and not being glib or terse with me. I appreciate the patience that you and others have shown me. It’s not that easy. And we both know it. Changing our behaviors is definitely not easy but hopefully it will be a smart choice for us. And that it will ultimately change our feelings. Thank you for explaining to me what your days are like. It gives me a lot of insight and I’m so grateful to you for your candor.

Dee74

For me it was like increasing my chances the more threads I posted in.

I was able to ask for help, but more than that I was able to give help too - that proved to me I knew what the right things to do were, even if I didn't always do them at that time.

The more recovery I got into me, the better my long term chances were.

D

Dee74

Also...more threads, more wisdom - not everyone posts in this Newcomers forum.

D