keeppushing

A few months ago I (once again) approached recovery seriously. Lots of ups and downs but I eventually got to a place where I went from daily drinking to not drinking during the week. Adjusted my plan to tackle weekend drinking and I actually went Friday night without drinking. Saturday I drank, in part because I was sabotaged, but mostly because I didn't work hard enough to avoid the dangerous situation.

Unfortunately this week I drank every day. I've been using various tools in my toolbox and that I have learnt about and doing a lot of deep soul searching, including therapy. One thing that came out of this is that I have deep rooted feeling of hopelessness, probably due to a hyper-critical father in my childhood. I over-react to any set-back. It's like a reverse fading affect bias: I forget all the good, magnify all the bad, expect failure and so don't even bother trying.

Now that I recognise this I'm working on addressing it, not least by reading all the stories on SR about how much better life is sober (which I understand intellectually, I just want to hammer it home into my subconcious). So what life can I expect when I stop drinking permanently?

• I wake up early and play with my young daughter before she goes to school.
• Spend evenings and weekends with my family where the mood is positive and we can connect.
• Face the challenges of life with hope and optimism.
• Actually feel joy when good things happen, when I meet with friends, when I get back to my hobbies.

In short, sobriety leads to a meaningful life.

Thanks for listening. I forgot how helpful it is to be able to speak so candidly.

KP

keeppushing

It's been 20 minutes since I wrote my original post and already the whispers in my mind are undermining me. Why bother, you'll only fail again. You're a failure. Do you really want to feel all that pain? Nobody cares about you let alone wants to support you. Stop wasting your time posting, they're all laughing at you. You've had a hard life, you deserve to relax and unwind. Are you really going to face the loneliness of sobriety? You don't deserve anything.

Wrong! These thoughts are not helpful! I am aware of you now and I will build a meaningful life. I can't feel joy and happiness if I don't feel pain. I can't succeed if I don't try. Sobriety is life. I deserve a life. I will fight for that life.

keeppushing

Strange, I'm feeling tremendous guilt and shame at writing that last line. Like I'm being selfish. I can feel it physically, almost the beginnings of a panic attack.

Dee74

Try and not overthink things - I know its hard especially if you are prone to negative self talk and panic attacks, but there really is a way out of active alcoholism based on action.

I didn't solve all my problems when I stopped drinking, but stopping gave me a starting point, and continued abstinence gave me a better idea of what my problems were and how to fix them.

I couldn't get better by cutting down my drinking days because I lacked the control to stick to that.

I also found even a little bit of poison messed me up mentally as much as a large amount did.

Accepting that was key to starting the journey.
Abstinence and patience were my way out.

D

nez

Studies have shown that most people have 6,000 thoughts a day. Most of the thoughts that occur during a 24 period don't even register as having existed in the first place. Because of the sheer volume alone, you can afford to be pretty selective in choosing which thoughts get to take up residency in your brain for even a short period of time. Why waste any time on negative thoughts? Just go...next. Yeah, which thought is next in line? Now serving thought #4280.

Wait for and/or create positive thoughts. Those are the ones that are keepers and deserve your time and focus.

fishkiller

What can you expect in sobriety?
Clarity

All my problems didn't vanish overnight bit I quickly gained the clarity needed to work on them.
I still have those thoughts you mention about self worth and negative thinking bit by being sober I can work through then logically not just beat them down with poison.

Your 2nd post is just you AV screaming for poison.
Ignore it

Mizz

Negative thoughts can really make or break a situation. I understand this for sure.
I took up chanting (Nichiren Buddhism) as a means to overcome my lower self and live in a higher life condition. I had an immense amount of anxiety. The anxiety wanted to control and destroy all the good in my life. Its hard to see the good when we are so adjusted to thinking in a negative way.

Take it one day at a time. Believe in yourself and the power you have to change your life and its condition.
Its one small step at a time. Also, when I am feeling really low, I offer encouragement and help to others. This seems to turn the ship around rather quickly. Helping others does actually help me. It may help you too. Stay the course. You have nothing to lose by changing your life for the better.

Bonnefond87

Alcohol is fuel to all that negative thought. It feeds it like wood on a fire. The affects it has on your brain, thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. It took me a long time to understand what was meant by alcohol as a depressant. I thought it meant sad, down or fed up. But it's also like a lead weight on hopes and aspirations. I hope you can find it in yourself to stop. That's where it is - in you.

DriGuy

I have found a direct correlation between thoughts and behavior. You can make changes in either one by working on the other. We often change our behavior by fixing our thoughts, but we can also change your thoughts (hopelessness, whatever the cause may be) by fixing your behavior. It works both ways.

Alcoholism forced me to realize that this is a special problem, where negative thoughts will change, but only if I change my behavior. I was not able to think my way to fixing my drinking. I had to stop drinking to fix my negativity. Actually, I didn't actually fix my negativity. I replaced it with self confidence and pride. Although, the result is the same.

Changing behavior is not easy, of course. Partly that is because we don't practice it much. And what makes it really hard is that addiction is such a powerful force. Even more simple habits can also be quite powerful.

Put more focus on behavior, and stop drinking. It's a nightmarish ride, but the addictive cycle will become quite manageable in a short time, usually a couple of weeks or less, and you will begin to feel hope as the light at the end of the tunnel comes into view.

NOW FINALLY! You can start thinking again. Think about how to stay on the recovery track. But you have to take the big step of not drinking first. It's a good time to read about the recovery method of AVRT, and learn how to recognize and ignore the Addictive Voice. This is essential for long term success. But the first step is all about behavior.

Nonsensical

I, too, have a liar living in my head.
It was born of my addiction to alcohol.
It cannot be educated. It cannot be intimidated. It cannot be reasoned with. It won't keep any deal you make with it. It cannot be shamed, coerced, persuaded, or befriended.
But it feeds on alcohol, so it can be starved.

I starve mine and my life got immeasurably better.
I highly recommend it.

Anna

I think it's also good to remember that when you put negativity and hopelessness out into the Universe, that's what you will get back. If you can put positivity out there, that's what will come back to you.

keeppushing

Great insight bout behavior changing thinking. Thank you.

KP

keeppushing

Thank you all for the support and wise words. Truly.

KP

Patcha

All the therapy and insight won't stop us drinking. Only abstinence will stop us drinking. It's a hard road. I have relapsed many times. I have a year sober now. The book Dopamine Nation by Dr Anna Lembke helped me a lot. It explains the chemistry of addiction and how it has nothing to do with your childhood or your will power. Not that therapy won't help, it's just that there is no core issue that causes addiction. It's multi faceted.

Hawkeye13

The irony for me was it took a good stretch of sobriety to get out of my subjective depressed self enough to be able to really address the childhood / FOO issues that drove the addiction (at least in part), and that thinking too much early on was actually counter-productive because I kept relapsing as I dug more deeply into toxic memories.

The best thing might be to just get the sober time built up with more of a cognitive therapeutic approach—problem-solve current triggers, and build new activities and different focus in your current life, and leave the digging for later if ever, when sobriety is solid and stable.

You can do it!

nez

I struggled with quitting for 10 years because I was searching for the answer to why I drank. When instead, I shifted my focus to how to stay sober, I was able to make progress. As sobriety time began to accumulate, the answers to why I drank began to come to me. Hindsight has shown me that for 10 years, I had been putting the cart before the horse.

In early recovery I needed to spend as much time as I could muster, living fully present and mindful in the current moment. It is a strategy that worked so well for me, I still employee it today.

My life is happening right now. Because of that it behooves me to keep the majority of my focus on the current happenings. Doing so, results in serenity and the answers I seek come to me as more is revealed.

If you come upon the ruins of ancient civilization, you can spend all of your time trying to figure out why and what happened or you can look for buried treasures.

Pekelover2

Keep,
I understand how difficult it is. Dealing with the negative thoughts are the worst. I’m sorry that you drank this week. But remember giving in like that won’t help matters. You’re stronger than your thoughts. Sometime si wish that there was musak planning in my head instead of my thoughts.
Stay sober this weekend.

keeppushing

Thanks all. I understand that abstinence leads to improved emotional health (not the other way around). I also believe that permanent abstinence is the only answer for me. The weekend is here and I'm adamant to remain abstinent.

Best,

KP

slipnslide

How are you doing?

keeppushing

Thanks for asking.

I drank. But I'm back on SR and I keep working on my plan.