Pekelover2

I went kayaking late last night. That didn’t stop me from drinking.

Instead of watching the Smithsonian channel I wrote something unkind to an elderly friend. Of course I don’t remember writing it.
I wrote “you never ask me how I am. It’s always about you”. I’m mortified. I tried to apologize today. I fibbed and told her I took an ambien. (She doesn’t know what that is).

I sent her a large floral arrangement.

I hate myself. I also did this to her years ago. It was even worse. She forgave me then. But I’m sure that she won’t now. Or if she does, it will be weird. I have no recollection of anything. But ppl don’t get that. They’re just hurt.

Steely

You can only apologise Peke. After that need to get really serious about stopping drinking alcohol. It's the only way.

People forgive our sober selves. We forgive ourselves at the same time.

Anna

Peke, I'm sorry that you drank last evening. Forgive yourself for the text to your friend.

I think you believe that if you keep busy enough and active enough, you will stop drinking. I don't think it works that way. I was always busy, active, on-the-go and that was part of why I began drinking. I needed to be able to sit with myself. I needed to be able to be still and be quiet sometimes. I am active now and do a lot of walking/hiking and I do many other things to support my recovery. But, I also take time to be still and quiet and I find it's important to me.

The bottom line is that I needed to dig deep and find out why I disliked and hated myself. And, then I could begin to heal.

Pekelover2

Thanks Anna. I think you’re right. But if I didn’t go kayaking, then my other option was to sit at home and watch my husband drink. So I tried to get out of the house. Obviously it didn’t work.

Thanks, Steely.

Dee74

I think you need a third option - something recovery centered like posting here, or doing some sort of meeting based recovery - AA SMART Lifering etc.

D

ToughChoices

Dear Peke,

Addiction is a terrible cycle of :

self-hatred ->
drug use ->
regrettable behavior ->
shame ->
self-hatred (and on and on and on….)

For me, breaking that cycle required STOPPING my drug use (alcohol is a drug, of course). Only after I quit completely could I begin to address the self-hatred. I don’t know which began first (self-hatred or drug use), but I know what I needed to do to successfully change the cycle.

Self-love will come when you start living a life that you take pride in.

At least, it did for me.

You can do this!

-TC

Alpine

I have kept busy which helped at first, but then I of course would have downtime. I now still keep rather busy, but also spend a fair amount of time here reading and posting here which has helped a tremendous amount. The people here, as you know, are awesome. They have great insight, empathy, are honest and give great ideas. I enjoy the whinners thread, the gratitude threads and a few others. Those are quite active and always have people there. Maybe join the July class thread? I can give you the links if you like. I wish you the very best, and trust me, I have had several day 1s. You can do this, you have proven it by coming here.

Nonsensical

I did stupid, hurtful things when I was drinking.
Do you hate me, too?
Do you hate all the alcoholics that do stupid, hurtful things or is that reserved for just one alcoholic?
That one in the mirror.
The one who needs your help the most.

Drink some water.
You have work to do.

Zura

Aww Peke, I can understand you are mortified, but you apologised and that is all you can do as others have said. Please don't pile hate onto yourself, it won't help (easier said than done I know). Whilst it hurts others, our drinking hurts ourselves more than anyone else so for your sake I hope you can use this incident as motivation. I believe in you. Sending you hugs.

Wastinglife

I have sent so many cringe-inducing messages while drunk that I disabled my Facebook permanently. I don't keep many contacts in my phone as precaution because I can't trust myself not call someone and talk about complete nonsense. I often have woken up the next day and see I made a call but have no recollection what I said. I am certain it was babbling ******** though haha

silentrun

That feeling is just one of the many things you will miss out on if you stay clean.

silentrun

I think you might feel better if you told her the truth.

RecklessDrunk

Its kind of like an allergic reaction to alcohol.

Its like I turn into a different person. Another person and usually a crazy one takes complete control of my driver's license, bank account, credit cards, phone and is the perfect impersonator. If I take a drink I would be taking responsibility for a crazy person.

Its one of the worst feelings either realizing what or trying to figure out what they did the night before. Like the anxiety after an uneventful night of drinking isn't bad enough.

The returns from drinking are always diminishing. As we get further along the odds of a good or uneventful night of drinking decrease and the odds of something terrible increase.

Even weeks and months into sobriety I had the consequences of the last binge hanging over my head. That binge started because my favorite football team had a nationally televised pre season game. I needed a drink to watch pre season football. I was looking at a felony conviction because I needed a drink to watch a pre season football game. As dumb of a reason as anybody else.

My sponsor reminded me how lucky I was. By the odds I should have gotten arrested by the inner city police and spent the night in jail in a place with one of America's highest violent crime rates. No, I went to jail in a town with one of the highest ranking school districts in the country. I didn't wreck my car, nobody got hurt or killed. I was polite with the police and didn't dig deeper. I still had my job. Gratitude was part of the way back to feeling better. This World owes me nothing so I have to be grateful for every little thing.

My sponsor reminded me some people come into the program under much worse circumstances. Like having killed somebody in a dwi wreck. Especially as much as I drink and drove that could've been me.

We are right where God wants us to be.

Pekelover2

Thank you all so much.
silentrun, your advice is great. I just can’t do that right now…I’m sorry.

wasting, thank you SO much for being honest. Thank you for that. I was scared to post this thread. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone. I’m sooooooo embarrassed today. I went on a hike with another friend. All I could do was think about what I did to my other friend. What’s wrong with me???

Thank you Zura. You’re very kind.
Thank you Alpine. I appreciate what you wrote.
Thank you tough!!
Thank you nonsensical!
Thank you Dee!

Kaptn

Thankfully, tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to chose different. Sending hugs.

RunningScared

Stupid and hurtful Facebook posts became one of my motivators in helping me to stop. Tomorrow is another day.

Hevyn

Peke - Alcohol turned me into someone I didn't recognize. I was confrontational & even mean at times - the exact opposite of my authentic self. Thankfully, we don't have to settle for a life of uncertainty & chaos. I like what Kaptn said - tomorrow is another opportunity to choose different.
You can turn this around, Peke!

VikingGF

Drinking isn’t bringing what you want to your life. Remember that and come here when you have the urge to drink. You can’t get a grip on why you do what you do until you stop drinking so that is the first step. It’s time to stop questioning “why?” and get very serious about changing your response to boredom and frustration. You can do it, but it will require looking forward, not dwelling in the past.

Mizz

The trying to quit "stage" is a really hard place to be in. I do know what it is, and I can say with certainty its awful. A Ferris Wheel of going around and around trying to get off the ride. All we have to do is stop. We have the power. We have the control buttons. We are the ones operating the Ferris Wheel. I didnt know it then.......

Then one night I drank too much. Not an unusual "too much" because I always drank too much......
Perhaps the moon and stars collided in some magical way that night, but in the morning I was 100% done. Regret. Loathing. Depression. More regret. More loathing. More of the bad stuff. I was done though. I jumped off that damn Ferris Wheel. I think you will get there.

We can go on and on in our self loathing and regrettable actions. Its really never ending. You have the power to change this dynamic. When you are ready to change you will change. This is true for all of us.

Pekelover2

Thank you all so much. I’m moved to tears here.
I don’t think I’m a mean person. If I were, I wouldn’t feel so guilty now.

Reckless, thank you so much!! I appreciate what you shared with me. It means a lot!

Mizz I hope that night for me was last night. I can’t do this anymore. I act, look and feel awful. Thank you for your reply.
thank you running scared.
thank you Viking, Hevyn and katptin.

What am I going to do. This behavior is something my husband warned me about. He’s filmed me. I never believed it. poor soul.