ToughChoices

When I first grabbed, desperately, for the rope of sobriety, I was a total MESS of regret and shame.

I had hidden my addiction from everyone, so when the truth came to light my world was shocked. And I was a walking (barely), blubbering apology. Desperate for “forgiveness.”

I woke up in the middle of the night to write long, meandering “I’m so sorry” letters to my family, boss, friends, co-workers, etc…. Felt as though I couldn’t live if they couldn’t forgive me.

BUT.

Recovery changes people. And I am a person changed. Almost 5 months sober, I’ve been diligently working the Steps with my sponsor. Still attending 3-4 AA meetings per week.

I find myself at Step 9. A step I’ve been longing for for 5 months. Forgiveness! Please!

Except….I’m already forgiven in all the ways that matter most. I had all of this stuff turned around. Step 4 showed me MYSELF and Step 5 showed me to God and someone else. Steps 6 and 7 offered me redemption. A new start.

So. Now. Making amends is more about letting those I’ve shocked and harmed have a chance to start healing. It’s not about their forgiveness (though that would be a bonus).

At this point in recovery, Ive found that I don’t REQUIRE the forgiveness of others if I am genuinely able to forgive myself. That makes amends a process of giving rather than receiving.

Which may mean that I am able to act selflessly for the first time in a long time.

-TC

Coldfusion

"Amend" means "to change." By making amends, one changes whatever in oneself caused the regrettable situation to occur in the first place.

anxiousrock

Exactly. Apologies.... I apologized every time I got drunk and did something stupid. It was meaningless.
amends are something different, you're a changed person. You are bettering yourself. You've already done steps 1-8. It means something.

Zura

I saw this pondering transpire on a tv show about AA ("Mom"). One of the female leads was having a philosophical discussion of sorts with a random person and was trying to explain the difference between the two. In her argument she said the root word of amends was mend....to mend. I think that she was trying to get a point across that mending something is deeper than merely offering an apology. A bit like that quote about the best apology being changed behaviour, aka action rather than mere words. Good topic.

DriGuy

There is no need to apologize, although that's not a bad thing. Amends go much deeper and don't require any words, explanations, or promises. Just stay sober and be kind, even to those you may resent. That is how you make amends.

nez

Apologies are words. Amends are actions. Actions speak far louder than words. People learn, grow, and heal more through example than by what they are told. Instead of telling people your plans, show them your results.

The best apology is changed behavior.