Kejun

I have been pondering an event occurring (exact time and date unknown) and thinking on how to prepare for this event. Without trying to sound overly cryptic, my uncle (who I drank with alcoholically numerous times) lives in the UK and I live in Australia, he is ageing. As we all do. But he is the one person I dearly miss drinking with. Right or wrong, it is what it is.

He broached the subject of my sobriety and has told me how proud he is. In the same breath he brought up the subject of his own passing (he is mid-60's - not particularly old, but a lifetime of smoking, heavy drinking, lack of fitness etc means he probably doesn't have all that long left), he made it clear that he did not want me to drink when he did "go".

It was a pertinent point he was making. As an alcoholic, I have mused on and frustrated away numerous days/evenings trying to crack the code on how to drink "like a normal person". As I am all too quick to acknowledge, there is no cracking the code. I simply cannot drink like a normal person. Perversely, I do not want to drink like a normal person. It would frustrate me. Just as it did watching people leave a pint not fully consumed at a pub.

I am approaching 4.5 years sober. I am doing well and not close to stumbling, one day at a time, let that continue. But, I AM concerned about my uncle passing. It will absolutely and completely devastate me. He filled numerous roles lacking in my upbringing and a void will certainly be felt.

Realising the obvious, he has made it clear how he feels, so to drink would be going against his wishes and hopes for me. I totally and completely relate and acknowledge this. I further acknowledge part of me is preparing an "excuse" to get drunk. That is not acceptable to me. Writing it and saying it out loud puts my own insecurities and uncertainties regarding the event.

I would really appreciate anyone to chime in who has dealt with the passing of a relative who meant the world to them. Or has some words. You don't know what you don't know springs to mind and I truly want to deal with this as I have with other struggles to this point. - Simply, not drinking.

In addition, I have lost both grandfather's over the course of the 4.5 years of sobriety. I mention this only to say I have dealt with loss of family members, but even my grandfather's - as much as I treasured them both - were not as vital to me (not trying to sound ungrateful for having them in my life and for as long as I did - I loved them both dearly).

Thank you

ClearPath64

Hi Kejun, I lost my mother, who did indeed mean the world to me, to pneumonia in 2020. She died before I had a chance to tell her just how much she meant to me. I know that she knew I loved her, but I wish that I could have said goodbye. My advice is to tell your uncle exactly how much he has meant to you. Document it in a letter and send it to him. There's no time like now. There's a country song by an ageing artist titled "Bring My Flowers Now", which basically says, bring me my flowers now, while I'm living, as they won't do me much good when I'm gone.

Congratulations on 4.5 years of sobriety.

Kejun

Hi ClearPath,

That is brilliant. I actually shook my head at my own stupidity! Although I am no longer an AA regular, during the steps I made amends and did so with both of my grandfathers.

The other thing I did was to write a letter, of sorts, in a "thank you" card to my grandfather (on my father's side) expressing my feelings and respect for him. How he had influenced me and how grateful I was to him. This letter was only recently given back to me following his passing a month ago. I had the great honour of writing and delivering a eulogy speech at the cremation ceremony also.

Anyway, my parents were sorting through his belongings and the card was found and my mother returned it to me saying how well it was written and what a lovely thing to do.

As you have said, there is no better time than now. I will absolutely write to my uncle. Thank you for this simple but very appropriate suggestion, ClearPath

Dee74

I’ve lost a few people in my life - it’s one of the parts of getting older.
If there’s something you feel you need to say - say it Kejune.



and also…believe me, you can be devastated by loss and still stay sober. Don’t let your AV suggest otherwise.

D

Hodd

Kejun, I think you’ve done the legwork with your 4.5 years sober. It will be an incredibly sad time when your uncle passes. What people don’t realise with grief is that it lingers too. My dad died just under 3 years ago, and I genuinely struggle to talk openly about it even now. But by luck I’d been sober a while before he died, and it was no longer my default to have a drink. Look after yourself by carrying on what you’ve been doing. You’ll always miss your uncle when he’s gone, but it’d be a double tragedy if it caused you to go back to drinking.

Hodd

And a couple of other points …

You mentioned feeling “less grief” over the passing of grandparents. I think that’s fairly common and normal. My mum died about six months after my dad, and for some reason I was able to get over her death, but I still can’t really accept in all honesty that my dad’s gone. They were both old, 80+, but I think my dad wanted to do a lot of things such as travel which he wasn’t brave enough to do.

Also, do as I say and not as I do 🤣 I didn’t really open up about my dad at the time, and it’s fairly obvious that wasn’t the right strategy. I’d talk about your uncle a lot - you can still talk to him so say what needs to be said whilst you can - now and after he’s gone.

Kejun

The feedback and words of wisdom given here through the replies is thoroughly appreciated. Thank you.

Hodd, you mention about the default going for a drink. I know that I am certainly not alone in relating to this. The default for everything was a drink, but, after a decent length of time in sobriety that changes. Ofcourse.

I remember reading a post yesterday which spoke about those who return to alcohol after considerable time away, no longer feel the same benefit. The body, mind, spirit, emotions etc have learnt to deal with issues in life without it. So, the former drinker will sometimes drink more to chase that - learned - same, former feeling. Ofcourse, back down the slope. I have firsthand experience in this area which will equip me well also.

Putting pen to paper in my awful handwriting is the way forward!

Hodd

That was Zug’s post yesterday about people returning to drinking and in doing so going for more or stronger drinks. It makes perfect sense and is terrifying. I’m sure if I returned to drinking (we shouldn’t rest on our laurels; we’re statistically likely to relapse and must protect sobriety at all costs), I wouldn’t settle for my previous beer or even wine, I’d want something stronger, and that really would be game over. Be wary, folks 🙂

MythOfSisyphus

I can identify. My dad passed away ten years ago and I'm still not "over it" in a sense. As long as I'm alive there will be a piece of me that's missing. The thing that bugs me the most was that I was still drinking hard at the time. I was with him at the hospital and sober while there but I don't think I really understood til I'd been sober for a few years just how much of was never fully there. The year after he passed was a whirlwind of drunken days; it seems like not wanting to disappoint Dad was one of the last constraints on my behavior, and with that gone I made no effort to moderate or hold back.

I've been sober now for over nine years, and I miss him a little less because now I can feel his presence in a way I couldn't while I was drinking. I can't really explain it very well.

It would be a great way to not only honor him but yourself to stay sober. And I love that idea of the song, 'Bring My Flowers Now.' There's never going to be a better time to tell him how much he's meant to you in your life.

DriGuy

Sounds like your uncle has a clear understanding what alcoholism is like and how damaging it can be, even if he has not figured out how to quit. He admires you for doing what he hasn't done.

You have a strong bond with him, and part of that bond was drinking. Even as destructive that was, the bond was there. So I can see why you associate drinking with him and worry about drinking after his death. Perhaps a way to metaphorically "keep him alive." Nothing wrong with keeping his memory alive, but drinking to do it? That's classic AV talking. It has nothing to do with keeping him alive. The AV just wants you to get drunk, and now is a good time for it to formulate such an illogical but tempting line of reasoning. One last chance to take over your life again.

You know what you have to do. Take control and choose the best path, not just the one that goes downhill.

Anna

Kejun, I agree with talking about your feelings with your uncle. Or maybe, write a letter, if you find it's too hard to talk about. The point is to let your uncle know how you feel. Anderson Cooper wrote a book 'Nothing Left Unsaid' which he wrote about his relationship with his mother before she died.

Kejun

That was it, great post from Zug. I had five years sober in my early to mid twenties and went back out for around 8 and a half years... I didn't know then what I know now (not uncommon for anyone, right?!) but the post Zug wrote, I cannot be sure, but when I did take that first drink, I am sure I DO remember a sense of disappointment; I think my mind was asking "... Errrrr, what's the big deal with this stuff ? Five years for this??" I ofcourse, did chase the feeling, trying to get back what I once loved. It didn't take long, I got the feeling back and much more :S

​​​​​
Thank you MoS, you writing about your father and a piece of you missing - I envision this. My condolences. :S oh, I really liked the point you make about remaining sober being a great way to honour him. Perfect way to look at it.

He actually said to my mother last month that he wasn't an alcoholic. I know it is never our place to point the finger, but in a lot of ways he "showed me the ropes" ? I am not attempting to pass the buck for my own decisions with regard to drinking alcoholically, it was my choice and I own it. But yes, it would make logical sense for him to feel pride about my abstaining even if he doesn't want to/isn't able to himself. And the AV - agreed. It is good to be able to write down my thoughts aloud and have the thoughts confirmed.

I think a letter holds more feeling in this case. I like and respect the formality of it and am sure my uncle would appreciate it. I would bet my last dollar he is already aware, but that does not detract from the importance of writing it and giving it to him.

Thank you all. Much appreciation

DriGuy

Yes, I agree we are not in a position to diagnose alcoholism in others because there are no diagnostic tools to do that. Well maybe an autopsy, but that's a bit extreme. Most of us here own that title, but few of us actually know that for sure, although we have a strong belief that we are alcoholics, and that's where recovery begins.

I wonder about myself from time to time, as did a close "alcoholic" friend who confided one time that sometimes he also wondered if he was really an alcoholic or just a "slob." He said that in jest, but it makes a point. Whatever you call the behavior of drinking to excess over and over, it makes little difference. The fix for 99.9% of us is continuous sobriety. Our main focus should be to fix ourselves, not to pass judgement on others.

And at this point, it makes sense to leave your uncle out of the equation. Not lose track or forget him. I didn't mean that. You've got this thing sorted out for yourself, and that's where we all need to be. And I actually respect your uncle.