Pekelover2

Hi friends-

I hope that all of you are doing well.

I’m back to running. My torn right quad isn’t feeling great, but I’m able to accomplish my goals. I’m doing a race next month. I went kayaking the other day. It was a lot of fun. Nice weather. Nice friends.

I had hit a wall in terms of drinking. I have failed. I don’t know why. I hate myself for it. I look like a bloated balloon. I just wanted to escape and so I binged. I feel like I have two lives. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of lost time.

I know what I have to do. I just lack willpower. I guess. I don’t know. I don’t want my legacy to be that of a drunk person. Why do I insist on creating drama? Why can’t I go to bed like a normal person? My husband is scared to leave me alone when he goes to work. Sometimes when I drink I decide to cook food. This is a scary situation. He worries that I’ll leave the oven on. Or accidentally leave the dogs outside.

I’m canceling plans with friends because I’m hungover. I also wrote an very unkind message to my cousin. I apologized to her the next day. It was awful. I’m 53 years old. What is wrong with me…?

I cannot drink in moderation. It’s just a race to the end of the bottle. I’m too small to drink this much. I’m scared that I’ve done serious damage now. The other night I drank a lot. And when I finished, I threw up. I mean like I projectile vomited all over myself, the coffee table, my slippers. It was red too. I was terrified.

Why don’t I love myself enough to quit?

I think what had to happen is that I have to feel like the secret will be exposed. Like no one knows that I drink. No one. But if my husband threatens to out me, then maybe I would stop. I don’t know.

I’m sorry. Things were going well for a while.

Dee74

I don't think I loved myself particularly when I quit
If Id waited for that I might still be drinking or dead

I used to think I need to fix myself to stop drinking but actually it was the other way around - I had to stop drinking in order to fix myself.

I don;t doubt that you have some issues to work out PL but I really believe the way to get to a point where you can work them out is by not drinking.

You are neither weak or lack discipline. You are addicted.

I know you're disciplined. You're running again.
Use that discipline in a different but equally fulfilling way

Do whatever you can to make that happen.

D

Pekelover2

Thank you for being so understanding, Dee.

”I used to think I need to fix myself to stop drinking but actually it was the other way around - I had to stop drinking in order to fix myself.”

That’s a profound statement. Thank you for writing this!
I made a running date at 6am tomorrow morning. It’s all I can do right now.

I don’t want this life anymore. I’m tired of being hungover.

ToughChoices

I was oddly terrified of the title "ADDICT" (shudder).
As though the word, itself, had power.
I gave more power to the word than I gave to myself. That was a failure on my part.

Turns out, I failed moderation, because I had an addiction. Addiction is a common problem. There's really nothing remarkably terrible about any of us here - including you, sweet Peke!

What I require, addict that I am, is:
1.) humble admission of the truth
2.) honest efforts to abstain and grow, and
3.) persistent work to restore the relationships I have injured

People fail over and over and over. Until they succeed.
You can do this!

Take care,
-TC

samwitch

Oh Peke! I'm glad you're back here--just coming back and writing all this out was brave and hopefully cathartic.

I know a little bit about how you feel - I can't say it any better than Dee did.

Although I will say drinking me and sober me are two different people--I get that sense from your post too-and sober me is such a happier productive person. But, I know you know that about yourself too. I'm impressed you can be discplined enough to run, I couldn't when drinking so you have that. Lean on that.

Steely

Hi Peke, I think it's time to out yourself.

Just because people don't know doesn't mean much in the end. It's probably harder. Always hiding.

I cant drink in 'moderation' either Peke, and it's good to know. I don't think I ever sought moderation, I sought escape, and there was none to be found, in alcohol.

I'm glad your back on the bike Peke.

Now get back on the horse.

VikingGF

Really glad to see you back, Peke, I've been wondering about you. I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time- it does sound like your drinking has changed from the first time you came- and that is the insidiousness of this whole thing called addiction. You can stop, though- you have been through really hard things- and look at you- back to running. Just wow. It's time to really get where you want to go and stop drinking. You don't need to know the answer to why you do it or are you strong enough- the answers are you're addicted and yes you are strong enough- you can work out the details later. Start with one day of not drinking and then do another. In time, your thinking will get clearer and you can work on being a solidly sober person- but it all starts with one day. Have you considered IRL support? Maybe online meetings? Keep coming here and posting and do not drink. Unlike Nike- Just Don't Do It.

Welcome back. You got this.

Pekelover2

Thank you Viking, Steely, Samwich, and TC.

I can’t believe how kind all of you are. I would be sick of me right now. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m still in my pjs. My three dogs are in bed with me. It’s a gorgeous day outside. I can barely get out of bed. They lie here next to me and I’ve let them down. My husband left for work without kissing me goodbye.

I hope that I can quit this for good. I don’t want to be a binge drinker anymore.

PS I’m a pretty vain person. On Facebook I’m on several skincare sites. One lady posted a before and after photo of a woman who was an alcoholic. Years of drinking made her skin dull and dehydrated. You’d think that would stir some sense of change in my behavior. Why is getting drunk alone so fun for me?

Thank you all again for your support. I don’t want to die from this. When I threw up it terrified me.

VikingGF

Is it really fun, though, Peke? When you examine it all critically, would you honestly say you’re having any level of fun? I didn’t. I was a slave to a habit that was trying to kill me.

Steely

Make yourself an 'after' shot Peke. 🍑

Mags1

Peke, when I drank I said every day was an holiday. Yeah. Hungover, regrets, lies. I kidded myself I was having a great time just to guzzle the next drink or ten.

You’re very brave and have determination. I know this because you run. Running is hard. I ran, in my drinking days. I thought if I ran I wouldn’t be drinking but sadly I always made time for my addiction.

The solution to my drinking was so simple but difficult too. I Just stopped drinking. It wasn’t easy, in fact one Sr lady member said childbirth was easier for her.

We’re all different and find stopping and recovery to suit us. Three easy steps.
Step 1. Don’t drink.
Step 2. Don’t drink.
Step 3. Don’t drink.

Just for today. You can do this, you really can.

MrPL

Hi Peke,

I think you hit the nail on the spot with the drunk vs non drunk version of yourself.

I was a high functioning alcoholic and addict for years. On the outside people would see this perfect life, good job, family, looking healthy, some exercise.

On the inside it felt strange. All I could see was the alcoholic me, everything else was almost specifically fabricated to support it, to justify it.

Once I stopped drinking it became clear. The job was wrong, the relationship was wrong, my habits were all wrong. But I had to stop to see it, which is exactly what you have to do.

It’s usually not pretty when we stop, it gets worse before it starts getting better quite often too, but it’s necessary.

You have all the elements there in your post, you know all that already, what you are lacking is the decision to just go for it.

Make that decision. The rest will, slowly, step by step, and maybe even painfully follow, but at the other side of it is the Peke you should and deserve to be.

You can do this!

brighterday1234

What you are describing has all the hallmarks of alcoholism. There is a way to recover and the only way I know of is abstinence based. Once you stop drinking then commit 100% to living a recovery program. Acceptance to my innermost self I am an alcoholic was also essential for me. There is a solution 🙏

Hodd

Aww, we’re the same age, Peke. You’ve still got years and years before you’re genuinely too old to do new and exciting stuff. Use your 50s wisely. You’ve got loads to offer and would do so even better without this pesky alcohol holding you back.

DriGuy

You are trapped in an addiction cycle. You must break the cycle if you want this to go away.

Maybe you create drama. I don't know if you do, but I don't think it's relevant. Yes willpower comes in for the first few weeks. After that, it's making a choice not to drink.

Again, I don't think that is a relevant question at this point. Maybe you will find the answer someday, but it's not likely to happen while you are drunk.

I don't know either. Stopping is up to you, not anyone else. It's not easy, but it's something you must choose, if you want to stop.

fishkiller

Hello pekelover
Sorry you are struggling but glad you made it back.

I noticed I hadn't seen you post for a while. That seems to be a standard when people struggle then relapse.
Next time the urge hits post. Call someone. Eat a gallon of ice cream.
ANYTHING but pick up a bottle.

I ran cross country in high school but now, I'm 53 also, the only running I do is with my mouth. lol

IMO others finding out, if they don't already know, that you binge will not help much. Maybe it will but I had many of this happens I will quit moments and never did.
The will has to come from inside.
It is in there. Dig it out. Never give up.
Stay close to SR. Add anything and everything else that may help. Tty it all. Something will fit.

Keep fighting

least

welcome back Peke. don't give up, try til you make it.

sugarbear1

Here's another viewpoint. For me, alcohol was my solution. My solution to dealing with life. Until it turned on me. Then I needed a new solution. I found that in working the 12 steps of AA, but there are other roads to sobriety!

We start by surrendering to the fact that we can't drink safely anymore......

Anna

Of course, it isn't fun, Peke. I drank at home, alone, never in public. I drank to escape, not to feel a buzz. I'm very small too and it was terrifying to think what I was doing to myself.

Keeping the secret became part of my addiction. Hiding the alcohol I was buying, finding opportunities to drink alone, cleaning up the messes I made - all of that became an adrenaline rush for me. I had to stop drinking and I had to invite peace into my life. I had to. When you stop drinking, you will begin to like and love yourself. You will. And, we really do understand.

Hevyn

Hi Peke.
All the good stuff has been said, so just add me to the list of those who care. I'm so glad you wrote that heartfelt post & wanted to be open about what's going on. We all understand & can relate. You know what needs to happen - and you can do it, there is no doubt.