Husband has recently left me and our 12 yr old daughter for a woman he met in AA
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 5
Husband has recently left me and our 12 yr old daughter for a woman he met in AA
I am just devastate and in agony. I’ve stood by my husband for fifteen years. I have continually ensured I am supportive and loving with boundaries and not enabling. He hit a new low at the beginning of covid. He spent much time waiting for rehab and eventually went for 28 days for inpatient treatment. He was aloof and distant the entire time without a call home during phone time. When released I went to pick him up and he walked to talk. Spoke at a picnic table keeping his distance from me, and went on about putting himself first, he can’t be with me anymore, when we date in the future, (I was floored), know I know what to do with the next alcoholic husband (I was gutted and in hysterics) etc. he was arrogant and spoke like therapy and would make a flase assumption and then say ‘but that’s okay’ each time. Six days later I saw an etransfer from a woman. I looked her up and found her social media profile. It was full of 2.5 months of images of her and my husband and claims of love and life together. She is 25-28 ish and he is almost 50. I confronted him and he claimed he has people in his life he understands and can associate with and he is putting himself first finally?!?! He ‘can’t’ come home as We can’t erase what we did to each other and he is happy now. I am beside myself in despair. We have a family and I have given fifteen years of support and love. We truly love each other to the core, not form trauma bond or because of a codependency, but family and dreams and history and all the things that bond a life in love. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I am strong for my daughter and remind her she is safe and loved and not responsible for anything except being a kid. I have lost my family and our future and truly believed we would overcome all adversitye and I don’t know how to move through this.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome Ginger. 
Sorry to say but he seems to have made his bed, now let him lie in it . Block him, don't talk to him or about him other than issues about your daughter. I know its painful but he does not seem to be a very good husband. You might be better off without him. Let him con someone else for a while.
Sorry to say but he seems to have made his bed, now let him lie in it . Block him, don't talk to him or about him other than issues about your daughter. I know its painful but he does not seem to be a very good husband. You might be better off without him. Let him con someone else for a while. 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I am sorry for what brings you here gingersmiles, but this is a great place for understanding and support.
There's a saying round here that if someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them.
Regardless how he's been before, it sounds to me now like you (and your daughter) deserve a lot better, especially after 15 years....
Please do also check out our Family and Friends forums as well - there's support down there as well.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
D
There's a saying round here that if someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them.
Regardless how he's been before, it sounds to me now like you (and your daughter) deserve a lot better, especially after 15 years....
Please do also check out our Family and Friends forums as well - there's support down there as well.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,588
I'm so sorry Ginger.
For what it's worth Rehab Romances rarely last. And I don't think it's going to last in your husband's case. 25 -28-50? Not likely in early recovery. Most unlikely.
Not the most most important thing though. Your husband has got his head stuck somewhere, and he's going to have to learn this for himself. Concentrate on yourself Ginger. You can block him without having to cease communication. ❄️
Maybe go to 'Friends & Family' forum here? Talk with others going through same, or similar. Maybe go to, or Zoom Alanon meetings?
Hes being a prat Ginger, and thinks he's holding a red hot hand, but he's not. Mitfull of deuces.
Keep your cards close to your chest Ginger and take care of yourself.
I hope you link up with some face to face support. Alanon, etc.
For what it's worth Rehab Romances rarely last. And I don't think it's going to last in your husband's case. 25 -28-50? Not likely in early recovery. Most unlikely.
Not the most most important thing though. Your husband has got his head stuck somewhere, and he's going to have to learn this for himself. Concentrate on yourself Ginger. You can block him without having to cease communication. ❄️
Maybe go to 'Friends & Family' forum here? Talk with others going through same, or similar. Maybe go to, or Zoom Alanon meetings?
Hes being a prat Ginger, and thinks he's holding a red hot hand, but he's not. Mitfull of deuces.
Keep your cards close to your chest Ginger and take care of yourself.
I hope you link up with some face to face support. Alanon, etc.
Member
Join Date: May 2022
Posts: 137
Wow. And this guy is in his 50's?
Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.
I'm with Cityboy. As painful as this is at the moment you're probably better off.
And two unhealed alcoholics in a relationship?
Definitely not a good idea.
Create an exceptional life for yourself and your daughter.
When he comes crawling back, which IMHO is just a matter of time, I hope you remember what he has put you through and hold out for someone worthy of your love and time.
Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.
I'm with Cityboy. As painful as this is at the moment you're probably better off.
And two unhealed alcoholics in a relationship?
Definitely not a good idea.
Create an exceptional life for yourself and your daughter.
When he comes crawling back, which IMHO is just a matter of time, I hope you remember what he has put you through and hold out for someone worthy of your love and time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
This happens in recovery groups, although it is not the norm. Most newcomers don't abandon their significant others, unless they were prone to do that with or without recovery. I would NOT write this off as, "Well, he's in early recovery, confused, becoming a new person, searching, and bla bla."
Yes, people bond in recovery groups, but ideally that bonding is for the purpose of helping, not to jump into someone else's marriage, cheat on your partner, or to act like an elementary school student about to start his summer vacation.
Your husband is being irresponsible and thoughtless, not the kind of qualities one usually wants in a life partner. And it's not because he's in recovery. He's just irresponsible and thoughtless.
Yes, people bond in recovery groups, but ideally that bonding is for the purpose of helping, not to jump into someone else's marriage, cheat on your partner, or to act like an elementary school student about to start his summer vacation.
Your husband is being irresponsible and thoughtless, not the kind of qualities one usually wants in a life partner. And it's not because he's in recovery. He's just irresponsible and thoughtless.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I agree with Bimini. Seek legal counsel immediately. Get the finances, cars, house and whatever else in order. Make sure you know where you stand with everything.
I am sorry this has happened to you. I too would be devastated. I would also make sure he did not rip anything else out from under me. We are here for you.
I am sorry this has happened to you. I too would be devastated. I would also make sure he did not rip anything else out from under me. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Gingersmiles, I am sorry for the pain this has caused you. Your husband might be sober, but it sounds like stopping drinking is all that he has done. He hasn't done any of the work on changing thought processes and behaviors that will reveal the whys of his alcoholism and so he is still chasing an external fix for his internal issues. Until he does that, the thought processes and behaviors won't change.
The best thing you can do for you and your daughter is to move forward in a positive direction and continue to build your life together. Help your daughter to heal and learn from this experience and in doing so you also will heal and learn. Life doesn't always follow the road map we have planned out in our heads, but the route changes can show us strength we didn't know we had and take us places we should have been all along.
The best thing you can do for you and your daughter is to move forward in a positive direction and continue to build your life together. Help your daughter to heal and learn from this experience and in doing so you also will heal and learn. Life doesn't always follow the road map we have planned out in our heads, but the route changes can show us strength we didn't know we had and take us places we should have been all along.
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