shocked1

I just found out my husband of 13 years (17 together) has been drinking secretly for (at least) more than four years. He was overseas for three of those years working and hid it when I visited, but was always jumpy and edgy and often mean to me. When he came home hed smoke pot in the evenings. With covid he was forced to come home because our borders in New Zealand were closed, and he had a hip operation where he was in the spare room getting better (i thought). He since stayed in the spare room for the past 18 months, going to 'sleep' at 6.30pm. So many excuses, he's tired, working shifts online, very very sleepy, got the flu, it's because I'm abusive (that because I asked him if he had an online girlfriend - which is apparently a terribly abusive question). He has no friends and his family never visit him, although he visits them. My own social life is zero, as I'm too embarassed to invite people over.. Suddenly 10 days ago he announced hes been drinking in there all this time, up to one litre of vodka a day. Said he's having blackouts. He has twice given up alcohol before in our relationship, and it caused major issues in his previous marriage. He now says his brother and sister are helping him in his 'recovery', and he said he did not want me to be involved in any way - I have no contact with them. I think they are an abusive and dishonest family and I have always kept my distance.The day after his big confession I threw him out. The lies have been so damaging and I can't believe he has been so dishonest. I am very very shocked. I just don't think I can ever believe him about anything ever again.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation with your husband. It's understandable that you no longer believe anything he says, since he has done this twice before in your marriage. I hope you can focus on yourself and healing from this upheaval. You might think about AlAnon in your community as a support for yourself.

trailmix

Hi shocked. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I am glad you found sober recovery though.

You might to head over to the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum (and post there as well if you like, of course):

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

I think if you read some of the threads over there you will find you are very much not alone in this. Plus we are here to support you as well.

It's certainly not unheard of for an alcoholic to drink and hide it, even for long periods of time and it doesn't come out until the alcoholism progresses or the person finally confesses of their own accord.