Hereigoagain23

One part of my recovery plan is to post and share on this forum as much as possible. I haven’t ‘opened up’ as much as I should have in the past…..I can’t do this alone.

I’d like to understand more about why I feel the way I do with respect to my life and my achievements.

On the face of it, you would think that I had been quite successful. 47, male, honours degree, chartered accountant and a beautiful family.

So why do i not feel contentment and gratitude like I should? Why am I not satisfied with my achievements? Why do I constantly fear the future instead of telling myself everything will be OK?

Various therapists have said it comes from a place of fear or childhood trauma that has not been addressed. I know alcohol only makes these things 10 times worse but 25 years of making the same mistake over and over hasn’t taught me the lesson…yet!

thanks for listening

Dee74

I don't know why specifically you feel that way...but I bet there's a lot of us here who feel (or felt) that way too.

Its a great leap of faith to give up our 'medicine' but its the giving up of drinking that allows us to explore things like this and come up with real, rather than band aid , solutions.

D

sugarbear1

It's the nature of the beast--alcoholism. A person I know sums it up as "self-centered/self-loathing." Just know you are recovering. This is why a program of recovery is needed. We must find a way to release those irrational fears and move past them.

advbike

I agree with Dee - a lot of us have felt that way, and there are many reasons why - childhood trauma, adult trauma, whatever. Drinking becomes a coping mechanism for all those past hurts, but eventually is used to manage all our emotions. I experienced a lot of trauma, but ultimately found I could not make progress on any of that without first eliminating the substance that I turned to for relief for so many decades. You just have to quit and trust that things will get better. I found sobriety and a practice of acceptance and gratitude worked wonders.

I also highly recommend the book Alcohol Explained, by William Porter - it explains a lot of the physiological reasons we fee so bad when we are still drinking and first quit. For me the first week was the worst then steady improvement.

fishkiller

Add me to the list. I will say 2 years sober has given me a much better perspective on my life.
I'm retired, have family, have everything I need and can do most anything I set my mind to but I run around with an almost constant fear of failure. A fear of the what ifs in the future. I will accomplish a big task or manage a tough situation perfectly and instead of basking in the glory I set out worrying about something else.

I'm not sure what the cause is but being sober helps me step back and think through it when it gets overwhelming. I practice gratitude for what I do and don't have which helps also.

I guess what I am trying to say is we may never know why we think a certain way but when we get sober we can learn how to mend our thinking.
While I am not the wide eyed kid looking at the world with a youthful optimism anymore I am living a MUCH better life now than when I was a drunk.

Nonsensical

Did you just take a should on yourself?
Harsh judgment word that 'should'.
Do you use it on others or just yourself?
Would you tell me how I should feel?
I doubt that you would.
Give that person in the mirror the same consideration.
He needs your help, not your judgment.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

novips

I understand the feelings you describe to be a symptom of alcoholism. In the "The Doctor's Opinion" of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, we alcoholics are described as "restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can ... experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks--drinks which they see others taking with impunity" (BB, p. xxviii). Further, I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic for whom only A.A. works as a solution. For these types, such as myself, there are only two options: (1) fully submit to the recovery program of A.A., or (2) "go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could" (BB, p. 25). PM me if you want to chat more about any of this.

DriGuy

I don't think I've felt those same feelings of desperation to the depth that you do, but I felt like I was always struggling and not getting anywhere. I took it as part of life and my cross to bear. The bad part is that struggling often doesn't lead anywhere, not to self improvement or relief. It's just a draining struggle with little purpose.

Add alcohol to the mix, and if you are an alcoholic cursed with the wrong gene, you add addiction to the struggle. Since I started recovery, I don't experience the struggle. I really don't know why. Are they connected somehow? Dunno. But now I find myself enjoying my life, and looking forward to the next interesting thing.

I can't say that it's like this for everyone, but one thing I am absolutely certain of is that addiction always makes things worse. There's really no upside. You can experience relief from the addiction with your chemical of choice, but its fleeting and causes additional problems. It's the very description of my previous struggle. Constantly, trying to get somewhere, but going nowhere over and over again. You're stuck, and your only thing to look forward to is the next buzz.

Alpine

I, 100% have felt that and I agree with the above. I had everything too, and turned to alcohol for whatever reason and eventually that was my go to all of the time and I "lost" myself and almost lost everything that means a lot to me. The more I drank the worse it got for me and I cycled down a deep dark hole that I am still crawling out of. I have tried to moderate several times and failed, so no drinking is off the table completely.
I wish you the very best, and if able come here often to read and post if you feel like it. The people here are great.

Mizz

I think there is a lot to be said about finding a spiritual path that resonates. Finding gratitude and acceptance in our lives is not easy. Gratitude is a muscle that must be strengthened. You may think a certain way about things now but if the script is flipped into different thinking, there is a lot to gain.

Instead of thinking that you are not good enough. Tell yourself the opposite.
Instead of thinking you don't have enough. Look around and take in all you do have and practice acceptance and gratitude. Fake it until you make it. Practice. Practice. Practice.

One of the ways I was able to start being grateful, accept myself, and my achievements, was through a spiritual practice called Nichiren Buddhism. Daily chanting and readings.

Your path does not have to have the above. I found a wholeness to the practice I talked about. You can find yours.
Flip the script. Dont listen to the person (you) who is telling you the negative. They are not telling you the truth.

KTB5000

I love this message. Self forgiveness and self compassion is a powerful tool.

Dee74

How are you doing, Hereigoagain?

D

Worried14

I love this message too and its the self forgiveness and self compassion that I've been able to experience that has helped me the most in my journey.
(edit: the message i was meaning was the one by nonsensical)

Steely

Agree with all here.

I found the only way to deal with those feelings of discontent was to stop drinking. I have no expectation that I will ever deal with these feelings adequately, but I will place myself in a position for change and acceptance. Peace of some sort.

I can tell you without fear that stopping drinking has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

I hope one day you can say the same.

brighterday1234

You are describing the common experience of an alcoholic. To recover from alcoholism is to recover from this state of mind 🙏