My return to recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 16
hey everyone-
today I'm 3 weeks sober. I think I'll make a post every week that I gain another week sober, just because I don't wanna post too much. Sort of a lot has happened in the past week. For starters, I began to have moments where it got really difficult. Over inconveniences like my mom yelling at me about my new tattoos or getting in a fight with the guy I was seeing over something stupid. All I could think about was getting in my car and going to the liquor store. But I didn't. And here I am, still sober. The first time it happened I took a scented bubble bath. It wasn't just the bath that made me feel better, it was me. I thought about how everyone in my life now knows I'm sober, everyone I care about. My coworkers, my friends, my family, you guys. I couldn't let everyone down. More importantly, I couldn't let myself down. I thought deeply each time about how I will feel after if I drink. Immediately after, a few hours after, the next day. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't do it. I feel so much stronger. My therapist told me I seem a lot stronger too, just by the way I carry myself, how I talk more about things. Me and my therapist used to sit in silence so much- which isn't uncommon necessarily, but it was because I was too ashamed to talk about how much I had been drinking- and all the dumb decisions I made afterwards. I dream almost every night that I drink, or become close to it, and I feel the regret, guilt, and shame. I wake up, and I feel so relieved. So glad it was just a dream. That keeps me going too. I let go of the guy I was seeing, I ended things with him- because he's still in active addiction and isn't a good supporter of my sobriety. It was hard, nothing about it was easy for me, because I care about him so much. But it was for the better, I know that to be very true. I know I will continue to have those moments of difficulty and longing to drink during my early sobriety and even after that. It all just depends on how I approach those moments. And the trust I have in myself. The hope, the confidence, the compassion I have for my sobriety. For now, and hopefully forever, my sobriety is what is most important to me. I am happy to be here. Sober and free.
today I'm 3 weeks sober. I think I'll make a post every week that I gain another week sober, just because I don't wanna post too much. Sort of a lot has happened in the past week. For starters, I began to have moments where it got really difficult. Over inconveniences like my mom yelling at me about my new tattoos or getting in a fight with the guy I was seeing over something stupid. All I could think about was getting in my car and going to the liquor store. But I didn't. And here I am, still sober. The first time it happened I took a scented bubble bath. It wasn't just the bath that made me feel better, it was me. I thought about how everyone in my life now knows I'm sober, everyone I care about. My coworkers, my friends, my family, you guys. I couldn't let everyone down. More importantly, I couldn't let myself down. I thought deeply each time about how I will feel after if I drink. Immediately after, a few hours after, the next day. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't do it. I feel so much stronger. My therapist told me I seem a lot stronger too, just by the way I carry myself, how I talk more about things. Me and my therapist used to sit in silence so much- which isn't uncommon necessarily, but it was because I was too ashamed to talk about how much I had been drinking- and all the dumb decisions I made afterwards. I dream almost every night that I drink, or become close to it, and I feel the regret, guilt, and shame. I wake up, and I feel so relieved. So glad it was just a dream. That keeps me going too. I let go of the guy I was seeing, I ended things with him- because he's still in active addiction and isn't a good supporter of my sobriety. It was hard, nothing about it was easy for me, because I care about him so much. But it was for the better, I know that to be very true. I know I will continue to have those moments of difficulty and longing to drink during my early sobriety and even after that. It all just depends on how I approach those moments. And the trust I have in myself. The hope, the confidence, the compassion I have for my sobriety. For now, and hopefully forever, my sobriety is what is most important to me. I am happy to be here. Sober and free.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 16
30 days!!
Hello everyone,
I'm back and yesterday I hit 30 days sober. I hit a bump in the road about a month ago- I relapsed at 28 days. I was always so scared to relapse before that day because I thought if I did I would never be able to get sober again- I would just fall back into my old patterns- but I was wrong. The first few days were so hard. But each day it has gotten easier. Here I am! I have stayed sober mostly by talking to people about my feelings, especially my parents, therapist, and friends. I am actually glad that I relapsed, because it showed me that I am strong enough to get back up again after I fall. It also showed me that I never, ever want to relapse ever again. I was very depressed for a little while after that, but the depression was temporary. All emotions are temporary. I have also stayed sober by focusing on my feelings each day and paying close attention to them by journaling and being very self aware. I have expanded my spiritual beliefs by reading more about buddhism, taoism, and spirituality and philosophy. My new favorite author is Alan Watts. He is amazing! I love listening to his podcasts on long walks and I'm going to read all of his books. Reading is something I never used to do before I got sober.
Here is a paragraph from the book I'm currently reading by Alan Watts - 'The Wisdom of Insecurity' that is very relevant to sobriety and addiction/recovery.
"One of the worst vicious circles is the problem of the alcoholic. In very many cases he knows quite clearly that he is destroying himself, that for him, liquor is poison, that he actually hates being drunk, and even dislikes the taste of liquor. And yet he drinks. For, dislike it as he may, the experience of not drinking is worse. It gives him the "horrors," for he stands face to face with the unveiled, basic insecurity of the world. Herein lies the crux of the matter. To stand face to face with insecurity is still not to understand it. to understand it, you must not face it but be it."
I'm back and yesterday I hit 30 days sober. I hit a bump in the road about a month ago- I relapsed at 28 days. I was always so scared to relapse before that day because I thought if I did I would never be able to get sober again- I would just fall back into my old patterns- but I was wrong. The first few days were so hard. But each day it has gotten easier. Here I am! I have stayed sober mostly by talking to people about my feelings, especially my parents, therapist, and friends. I am actually glad that I relapsed, because it showed me that I am strong enough to get back up again after I fall. It also showed me that I never, ever want to relapse ever again. I was very depressed for a little while after that, but the depression was temporary. All emotions are temporary. I have also stayed sober by focusing on my feelings each day and paying close attention to them by journaling and being very self aware. I have expanded my spiritual beliefs by reading more about buddhism, taoism, and spirituality and philosophy. My new favorite author is Alan Watts. He is amazing! I love listening to his podcasts on long walks and I'm going to read all of his books. Reading is something I never used to do before I got sober.
Here is a paragraph from the book I'm currently reading by Alan Watts - 'The Wisdom of Insecurity' that is very relevant to sobriety and addiction/recovery.
"One of the worst vicious circles is the problem of the alcoholic. In very many cases he knows quite clearly that he is destroying himself, that for him, liquor is poison, that he actually hates being drunk, and even dislikes the taste of liquor. And yet he drinks. For, dislike it as he may, the experience of not drinking is worse. It gives him the "horrors," for he stands face to face with the unveiled, basic insecurity of the world. Herein lies the crux of the matter. To stand face to face with insecurity is still not to understand it. to understand it, you must not face it but be it."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Spartanburg, South Carolina
Posts: 50
Thank you for this post, Marit, and for the wonderful quote by Allan Watts! This is so difficult for me, facing "the unveiled, basic insecurity of the world." I know how to escape it, but not how to be it..........it's like the direct experience of reality is the scariest thing in the world for me, and the addict voice inside me tells me, "Why even bother making the effort?"
Anyway! Just so grateful for your post here.
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
Anyway! Just so grateful for your post here.
Let's all recover and heal.
Johannes
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