Orchid1

I made a thread this morning when I woke up and decided to get back on here and now I am making this. I feel I must say my actions to someone and be honest. Drinking makes me a sneaky, lying, selfish, irresponsible person. Of late I've been going to work and having those small wine bottles in my car which I take before I go in, sometime around lunch and on the drive home, I sneak drink in the house and if my spouse smells something I gaslight the heck out of him, I drive drunk sometimes, a ridiculous amount of money is spent on wine, not enough for him to notice but alot. All the grocery stores around me know me so I try not to shop with my husband. My mother is also a drunk so when I talk with her on phone I can tell she's drinking and it makes me angry and triggers my drinking, I don't know how to talk to her about this because it will kill her. Drinking has had this chain around my leg for a long time, we keep talking about having a baby but was not sure I could stop drinking when if I got pregnant. My husband has his own dependence on weed. It's odd because his does not trigger me, I don't even like the taste of the wine, only time I enjoy it is with others but then why do I pound it down on a daily basis? Every time I look at the mirror I always look if my eyes are yellow yet. My liver may be jacked but not completely because things are running fine I think. Don't want to go for a physical Incase they find something and I have to explain why it is the way it is. Writing this has been good for me, if has forced me to analyze my character and current state. Thank you. This is my day 1. I cant say the person I described is not me because I do it but when I don't drink such things are so foreign to me, the amount of time my husband has said he doesn't like me drunk is to much to count. My desire to change is because this terrible lying gaslighting person is not who I want to be nor who I am when when not drunk. I usually start drinking around 2pm when not in the office once a week till I blackout for a few hours then wake up sober to make dinner. The house is a mess when I go to hard, it is a very visible tell but when I go my 2 days without a drop, I would like to think I am a good wife and neighbor. This demon has to go.

ClearPath64

You are not alone. Alcohol has made most of us this type of person somewhere along the way. The important thing is that you want to change. You can change. You can become someone that you are proud of, and who doesn't need to hide things. Doesn't matter if you've tried and failed in the past. Me too. You are here now. That's all that matters.

Hevyn

Orchid - I'm so glad you posted your feelings & fears. I was in the same state of mind when I first came to SR after drinking for decades.
I always imagined that I'd never be able to enjoy things again, that life would never be fun, relaxing, or exciting. So I kept trying to use willpower to control the amounts I drank. Over the years, there was never any control or moderation. In the end, I was drinking all day - would even get up at night, shaky, needing a few sips. It seems disgusting to me now, but I somehow justified it.

I'm so thankful we can come here and be honest about what's going on. I'm glad it helped you to talk about what you're going through. (I know you can get free of it - I have 14 yrs. now.) Alcohol turned us into warped versions of ourselves. We never have to live that way again.

Anna

Please know, you are not a terrible person. You are a good person who has an addiction to alcohol, which makes you do questionable things. That's what happens to all of us when we are caught up in the addiction. I'm glad you are being honest with yourself and with us because that will be the a big step in your recovery.

aamirk614

Orchid1,

You are not a bad person! Trust me, this is exactly what the disease wants you to feel. I recently had a relapse. I have been overwhelmed with guilt and shame because of the person my using and drinking turns me into. Remember, you are not your disease. Reach out. Keep coming back one day at a time. Stay close to those that uplift you and never give up on you!

Orchid1

I'd be lying if I said your replies did not bring me to sobbing tears. Thank you, thank you so much.

Radix

The addiction wants to be fed. It wants wine, no matter what, and it doesn't care what type of person you become in order to get it. It wants the wine, and the wine only. But you aren't the addiction -- you are you. You can decide what you do about this. Tell the addiction to get lost.

Cravings won't last long, you can survive them when they happen, and then you'll be on your way to being the person you know you are. You may not be perfect (none of us are), but you can be sober, and deal with your imperfections with a clear head.

You can do this.

Tailai

Do you remember what you were like before you started serious drinking? Your personality, your energy, your sense of humor? If you want to get back to that it can definitely happen. Drinking results in many personality changes for multiple reasons as well as the horrible affects on health and appearance. But I can see you already have that as motivation. Lots of great advice here to get and stay sober as well as the encouragement and support.

Orchid1

Thank you Radix! You are right Tailai it has had horrible effects not so much on my health apart from weight though I have not had a physical so it could be worse but my appearance. People close to me know I try to eat as clean as possible but I get the question or statement pop up every once in a while "why are you 35 pounds overweight!?" with completely puzzled faces, I always mentally respond it is the wine bottle I down every day. It is afternoon now and I have been on here since my first post, no work has been done but with the nature of my job I will just catch up on Tuesday. The withdrawal effects which started sometime around 5am are not as strong as before but very much there. I will choose two areas of the house to clean and just go for it, I saw that suggestion on another post. Now I think about it I think my eyes have been affected by the drinking, definitely my skin has.

VikingGF

Orchid-
No one is proud of who they were as a drinker, but the good news is, that's not who you really are. In time, people around you will see the real you and you will be able to move forward and work on the things you want to improve. Don't let any of that deter you from sobriety right now- now the only important thing is don't drink. You're doing great, coming here and being honest and working hard. We are so glad to have you with us.

Tetrax

What can I say? I identify.

Dee74

I'm glad you got all that out orchid - now you can start to move on and leave it all behind

D

Orchid1

Thank you Dee74, I think that is why I felt compelled to do it. I feel light now, and though I've only been sober 24 hours, today I could have sworn if I left the house I would buy or drink and twice today I left the house and did not buy or drink. I ate food and know it actually got digested. Such small things but significant. And most important, when he comes back home I wont be hiding the wine bottle or keeping a 'safe' distance so he doesn't smell it.

Hawkeye13

Honesty feels so good, even with withdrawals, doesn’t it?

Great job getting your Day 1!

How is Day 2 going?

DriGuy

I love being sober. I found that love about a week or two into recovery, and I'm still in love with it 26 years later. Being a drunk alcoholic was a miserable life. It was fun at first, but it eventually becomes ugly, and it happened so slowly that I didn't even realize what it was doing to me. In every respect, alcohol makes an alcoholic less of what he could be. In my case, it made me depressed, defeated, and hopeless.

tornrealization

I used to check the white of my eyes too. I still went to the doctor even with the shakes. I wouldn’t be honest then for years I was honest about my drinking. I cared enough to want to know…if I was ill, but not enough to quit yet.

I used to dislike who I become too. Alcoholic brain. It depressed me. We are good people, but the addiction lies and says your not. It wants to keep itself alive by trying to convince you to stay numb. Don’t listen.

3 years and some change sober, I’ve never again looked for yellow eyes. I’ve gotten a lot of my self confidence back. You can have that too.

Early days are rough. Sleep is hell…usually lack of it. So keep going. Congratulations on 24 hours.

Orchid1

Sorry cant reply to all right now, lightheaded but at peace, in my bedroom just in bed, no drinking.

Hevyn

Good to hear from you, Orchid. I felt disoriented in the early days - but you are healing.

Ladysadie

Truth is a much better place to be. I hope you keep your resolve strong. It's a turning point for many of us. I totally relate.

Orchid1

Now I am good, almost at the end of day 2 and I left the house today to help a friend and bee lined straight home and straight to bed, at some point I woke up lightheaded which is when I posted but that is gone now. I will admit today has been easier but that is largely due to the fact I did not buy any wine yesterday. Because of my faith I do not shop today and that discipline helped the cravings today. Thing is at sunset I can already tell the pressure is building. I am making dinner now and will keep myself busy around the house and reading on here, I think I just need to make it through the next 7 days and I will have a good base BUT I know I know...one day at a time. Thank you all who post here, reading everyone makes me feel part of a place free of judgment and good guidance. Thank you all.