Checking in
 

Last week was difficult. New job. New medication (progesterone to suppress my hyperplasia). The meds made me awful. I was in tears at the drop of a hat.
hid from my friends.
not showering. Not running. Still. Barking at my husband.

Not sure I can do this. I’m trying.

Do you mean you don't think you can remain abstinent Peke?

I think you can.

I look forward to coffee.
I’m going to fail at this job. (I was a molecular biologist. I’m not trying scientific writing). I’m so old. I printed out every single journal article. The other team members just read their article on the screen.
idk.
i look ugly. My body is so out of shape. I got the pin out of my hand on Friday. I just need to rest it for two more weeks. I’m too depressed to even do yoga. Or walk.
My husband is tired of worrying that I’ll drink. It’s hard living with me. I lie about alcohol a lot. (Not here).

Peke, you're still in the early days of your new job, so try to be kind to yourself. You're in a learning curve and things will get easier. And, I'm sure it's hard not being able to exercise when that's been such a big part of your life. But, in two more weeks you'll be able to get back to exercising again and I'm sure it will feel great. It's hard when you're depressed, but getting outside and walking might really help to lift your spirits.

https://i.postimg.cc/PqJppzrB/2-FF62...3-A12286-D.jpg

https://i.postimg.cc/9QJwQNVd/7-D08-...-F1-AB91-E.jpg

You have the power. We believe in you. YOU NEED TO BELIEVE.

Please, what will drinking do to help solve any of these issues? Nothing but cause you more depression. It’s not the answer we want to hear, but it IS the solution. There is no solution at the bottom of an empty bottle.

You stand to lose everything if you don’t lose the ONE thing.

Big hugs

Are you able to discuss the progesterone you are taking with your Doctor ? I took it for fibroids (to stem terrible bleeding before my hysterectomy years ago) and it made me LOOPY especially at work ..lots of crying, lack of confidence etc. Please have a word and see if they can prescribe something else maybe ..

And by the way, I started an office job about 8 years ago and everyone else was <35 years of age and I was the only person who printed out documents to read. I personally used up the whole department’s paper budget ! And I didn’t care ! Even now I have to print out journal articles so I can hold them, read them and annotate them !! Go for it !

Thank you all so much,
I’m sorry to be such a downer. It’s the progesterone. I should have asked for an IUD. (Less side effects). But my anatomy is weird (I’m small) and I’d have to have the device put in surgically. (Sorry if tmi).

I went to see some friends. Got out of the house. It felt good.

I can be sober. I just feel so exhausted from being sober. I mean I’m getting tired of life. (I’m not talking about suicide). I just need that mental break that drinking gives me. But I’m trying to find other ways.

It was a hard week. I need to give myself a break.

Drinking is not a mental break. Drinking is the thing causing you so much stress- because you are entertaining a false hypothesis. If drinking were really the answer, there would be no fight, you’d just do it. But you know it isn’t going to make things better, now you have to stop entertaining the lie. There is nothing left for you where alcohol is concerned. It is not peace, it is hell. It is not fun, it is torture. It is selfish and deadly. You have overcome so much, anyone as strong as you can focus on changing your thinking, I’m sure. Don’t entertain this romanticized notion of alcohol. Spend your time getting back to who you want to be. I know you can. Congrats on your sober time, you’re doing great.

I reckon the progesterone has something to do with it Peke.

Give yourself a break for sure, it's not going to remain this way, things will improve in the fullness of time. Congrats on pin removal. That's a step forward. :)

I bet I'm uglier than you Peke. 👹🙃

Hang in Peke, soon you'll be back to your beautiful self. 🌹 🚴🏽

Oh Peke. I'm so sorry you're struggling. You're smart and beautiful and healthy and to heck with everyone else.

You won't fail at the job. Maybe run a little - easy. Those doctors of yours seem very conservative.

Wow, Peke! You’re super super hard on yourself. Give the job time to allow you to get up to speed. And it’s not an issue if you print things out. If you keep copies, you’ll be able to find stuff a lot easier later on. Your colleagues will probably be asking you to remind them! It’s no surprise you’re tired after recent events either. Give yourself a break :)

I agree you need to be way more gentle on yourself, PL.

Most of us deal with negative self talk, fear running rampant, impostor syndrome just like you.

You are not alone and certainly not in any way lesser to, or more broken than, anyone else here :)

D