My Story & Looking for Helpful Information
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Join Date: May 2022
Posts: 1
My Story & Looking for Helpful Information
Hello all,
My name is Pete. I'm posting in the "Newcomers to Recovery" section as a hello and because this is really my first time successfully making it out of the belly of the beast. At Day 15, I'm nowhere near "Safe" as far as the mental end of things, of course, but the WORST physical parts are over. And yet here I stand, completely dumbfounded at how my story ended, as the VERY FEW people who know about my over 10 year opiate addiction (starting with pills, progressing to H, to eventually Fentanyl, although I never shot up, only snorted, if that's relevant) all just say "Nah, that doesn't make any sense".
It doesn't. I know. But this story is 100 percent true.
Here is my story, and hopefully SOMEONE can give me a little reasoning on at least why this MAY have happened. I'll go through the beginning parts as quickly as possible.
My addiction started like many people's addictions, being prescribed painkillers from a dentist after ANOTHER dentist had done a horrible filling job and set the feeling right up to my nerve, causing agony. I first called the dentist who had done the work, who did nothing, then went to a separate dentist who took Xrays, remarked at how bad the job was done, and then since it would be a bit before they could ACTUALLY pull the tooth (yes, really) they prescribed me painkillers in the meantime. Shortly before the appointment was set to happen, I received a call from the dentist who apologized that they had to reschedule AGAIN and offered to REFILL my painkillers to get me through til that appointment (yes, really!). So I was 2 prescriptions in before I even SAW them, apart from the "consultation" with the Xray.
That was enough to get me hooked and feed the urge and start the over 10-year long spiral. I'm going to skip ahead about 9 years because nothing I could say would stand out other than to say I only had ONE dealer during this time, who only ever ONCE in 9 years didn't have product, and even then, he got it later that night. I say that just to say I had a major connection of the most reliable person so I never had to deal with it not being around, worrying about being robbed or sold bad stuff, etc. This kid ran it like a professional business, even referring to the times he turned his phone one (8am to 8pm) as when he was "Open".
Then one day he disappeared. Vanished off the face of the earth, presumably arrested. Which would have been his first time ever according to him, and I believe it, as I say, I saw him EVERY single day for around 9 years. What followed was very dark days of throwing up bile and wondering if I'd die from simply lack of fluids as I SWEAR I got pretty damn close to drinking nothing for 3 days which is apparently fatal.
I barely survived by finding little scores from walking around the "bad part of town", something very foreign to me that got me almost killed and arrested a few times. Over a few weeks those little scores kept me okay on the super sick and/or feening/craving days. It's very important to note that my "main guy's" stuff is the strongest I've ever seen or heard of. I know this because ANY time I got anything else, everyone else was high and for me it BARELY took the edge off, seemingly no matter how much I did. Until one day around 3 or 4 weeks after my guy had disappeared, I got a little score from a guy I had found and got super high, seemingly because my tolerance had, by that point, gone way down. But by then, I could survive off kratom, and did, for around 8 months.
This is when everything changed.
One day, the cousin of my original dealer appeared on my doorstep telling me he took things over and had the same exact stuff as before. He gave me a freebie to welcome me back, of course. ($60 bags) and I figured I'd be safe, since I knew my tolerance was down. So, since I normally was doing up to 3 or 4 $60 bags daily, I decided to just do a little bit, I believe it was 2 small lines, around 10 percent of one bag. As the high set in, I decided to take a little walk because I was hot. Thank God I did, because that's the last thing I remember, as I would wander off a few streets over and faceplant into the cement, waking up to police and ambulance people in shock, with one saying, "You were out a WHILE, I thought there was no way we were bringing you back"
So, since I couldn't handle it, I threw out the bag as soon as I got home from the hospital, obviously, right? Of course not. I started taking little bits of suboxone before taking the stuff and trying to "build my tolerance" back up like a complete and total moron. And somehow, I didn't die. My tolerance built back up to that 3 or 4 bag daily level.
But something extremely disturbing had begun to surface. I now had a lesser paying job than before and couldn't buy EVERY day, sometimes not for 2 days, so I had suboxone handy. And had begun to notice, that they were no longer stopping the sickness. This is the part everyone tells me is "impossible". For 9 years I could take a QUARTER (2mg) sobo and be fine, and now, out of seemingly nowhere, I could take up to 2 and a half 8mg strips when sick and feel ZERO effect (that's the highest dose I ever tried).
This, of course, resulted in an extremely irrational fear, as my safety net had now been broken. There was no saving me from sickness. My question is how this is possible. Did the kratom change how my brain receives the suboxone? Did my guy just have a CRAZY strong Fentanyl that suboxone doesn't work on??? What could it have been?
It also completely changed the timeline of withdrawal for me that we are all familiar with. No longer did it take within 24 hours for withdrawal symptoms to start. It took at minimum 4 days, up to 7. When "the cousin" disappeared, I actually had a full $60 bag left so I rejoiced that I "had enough to not be sick getting off." So I held on to that baggie everywhere I went in a pocket that zipped up in my vest. 24 hours, 48 hours, 72 hours, nothing. On the very beginning of Day 4, basically feening, I convinced myself I should just do a couple lines to prevent anything from coming. This led to me doing little bits over Days 4 and 5 until it was gone. Days 6 and 7 were also okay.
Then BAM.
EXTREME sickness. What a call a "brain burn" which felt far worse than any withdrawal I had ever had. In desperation I took an 8mg sobo. Nothing. I then went back to the guy I had found to get me through last time with little weaker bags and bought $100 worth of H from him. Came home. Did it. And it only SLIGHTLY took away the worst of the WITHDRAWALS. Confused I convinced myself "Well, you took the suboxone so it blocked the H from helping you", which may be true, although my normal guy's stuff seemed like it could cut through subs if I did enough, and I did way more this time.
The next day I was even sicker. I desperately popped 2 and a half sobos. NO effect. Later that day I called the same guy and bought another 100 dollars worth. Again, BARELY reducing the effects. I told myself the same reason. Later that night I finally fell asleep and when I woke up, the worst of it was over, suprisingly only being some weird 2 day nightmare after my weird WD schedule.
Of course, I still had the awful uncomfortableness, horrible energy, and EXTREME throwing up/nausea. It's worth mentioning nausea was NEVER a symptom for me the first 9 years. It's the only one I never got. Now It was.
I am now on what I call Day 15. It's really not, as I syphoned that last baggie and then bought those 2 from the guy even though they didn't work, but I'm calling it day 15 since most of those days I was clean. The thing is, whether you want to call it Day 7 or Day 15, why the hell do I still have the most severe nausea I've ever had in my life? Somedays I can eat, even mostly well, but many I can't eat a thing.
So, my questions are that, and WHAT is the reason suboxone could've stopped working for me? I am actually 100 percent sure I will never touch this stuff again. This is the first time I've ever been clean for a week or 2 and am dead set on continuing it, but how can I make this nauseau reside? I tried stuff called Diotame I believe it was called and it barely worked. Thank you for answering both of these questions for me and I'm sorry for the long post.
My name is Pete. I'm posting in the "Newcomers to Recovery" section as a hello and because this is really my first time successfully making it out of the belly of the beast. At Day 15, I'm nowhere near "Safe" as far as the mental end of things, of course, but the WORST physical parts are over. And yet here I stand, completely dumbfounded at how my story ended, as the VERY FEW people who know about my over 10 year opiate addiction (starting with pills, progressing to H, to eventually Fentanyl, although I never shot up, only snorted, if that's relevant) all just say "Nah, that doesn't make any sense".
It doesn't. I know. But this story is 100 percent true.
Here is my story, and hopefully SOMEONE can give me a little reasoning on at least why this MAY have happened. I'll go through the beginning parts as quickly as possible.
My addiction started like many people's addictions, being prescribed painkillers from a dentist after ANOTHER dentist had done a horrible filling job and set the feeling right up to my nerve, causing agony. I first called the dentist who had done the work, who did nothing, then went to a separate dentist who took Xrays, remarked at how bad the job was done, and then since it would be a bit before they could ACTUALLY pull the tooth (yes, really) they prescribed me painkillers in the meantime. Shortly before the appointment was set to happen, I received a call from the dentist who apologized that they had to reschedule AGAIN and offered to REFILL my painkillers to get me through til that appointment (yes, really!). So I was 2 prescriptions in before I even SAW them, apart from the "consultation" with the Xray.
That was enough to get me hooked and feed the urge and start the over 10-year long spiral. I'm going to skip ahead about 9 years because nothing I could say would stand out other than to say I only had ONE dealer during this time, who only ever ONCE in 9 years didn't have product, and even then, he got it later that night. I say that just to say I had a major connection of the most reliable person so I never had to deal with it not being around, worrying about being robbed or sold bad stuff, etc. This kid ran it like a professional business, even referring to the times he turned his phone one (8am to 8pm) as when he was "Open".
Then one day he disappeared. Vanished off the face of the earth, presumably arrested. Which would have been his first time ever according to him, and I believe it, as I say, I saw him EVERY single day for around 9 years. What followed was very dark days of throwing up bile and wondering if I'd die from simply lack of fluids as I SWEAR I got pretty damn close to drinking nothing for 3 days which is apparently fatal.
I barely survived by finding little scores from walking around the "bad part of town", something very foreign to me that got me almost killed and arrested a few times. Over a few weeks those little scores kept me okay on the super sick and/or feening/craving days. It's very important to note that my "main guy's" stuff is the strongest I've ever seen or heard of. I know this because ANY time I got anything else, everyone else was high and for me it BARELY took the edge off, seemingly no matter how much I did. Until one day around 3 or 4 weeks after my guy had disappeared, I got a little score from a guy I had found and got super high, seemingly because my tolerance had, by that point, gone way down. But by then, I could survive off kratom, and did, for around 8 months.
This is when everything changed.
One day, the cousin of my original dealer appeared on my doorstep telling me he took things over and had the same exact stuff as before. He gave me a freebie to welcome me back, of course. ($60 bags) and I figured I'd be safe, since I knew my tolerance was down. So, since I normally was doing up to 3 or 4 $60 bags daily, I decided to just do a little bit, I believe it was 2 small lines, around 10 percent of one bag. As the high set in, I decided to take a little walk because I was hot. Thank God I did, because that's the last thing I remember, as I would wander off a few streets over and faceplant into the cement, waking up to police and ambulance people in shock, with one saying, "You were out a WHILE, I thought there was no way we were bringing you back"
So, since I couldn't handle it, I threw out the bag as soon as I got home from the hospital, obviously, right? Of course not. I started taking little bits of suboxone before taking the stuff and trying to "build my tolerance" back up like a complete and total moron. And somehow, I didn't die. My tolerance built back up to that 3 or 4 bag daily level.
But something extremely disturbing had begun to surface. I now had a lesser paying job than before and couldn't buy EVERY day, sometimes not for 2 days, so I had suboxone handy. And had begun to notice, that they were no longer stopping the sickness. This is the part everyone tells me is "impossible". For 9 years I could take a QUARTER (2mg) sobo and be fine, and now, out of seemingly nowhere, I could take up to 2 and a half 8mg strips when sick and feel ZERO effect (that's the highest dose I ever tried).
This, of course, resulted in an extremely irrational fear, as my safety net had now been broken. There was no saving me from sickness. My question is how this is possible. Did the kratom change how my brain receives the suboxone? Did my guy just have a CRAZY strong Fentanyl that suboxone doesn't work on??? What could it have been?
It also completely changed the timeline of withdrawal for me that we are all familiar with. No longer did it take within 24 hours for withdrawal symptoms to start. It took at minimum 4 days, up to 7. When "the cousin" disappeared, I actually had a full $60 bag left so I rejoiced that I "had enough to not be sick getting off." So I held on to that baggie everywhere I went in a pocket that zipped up in my vest. 24 hours, 48 hours, 72 hours, nothing. On the very beginning of Day 4, basically feening, I convinced myself I should just do a couple lines to prevent anything from coming. This led to me doing little bits over Days 4 and 5 until it was gone. Days 6 and 7 were also okay.
Then BAM.
EXTREME sickness. What a call a "brain burn" which felt far worse than any withdrawal I had ever had. In desperation I took an 8mg sobo. Nothing. I then went back to the guy I had found to get me through last time with little weaker bags and bought $100 worth of H from him. Came home. Did it. And it only SLIGHTLY took away the worst of the WITHDRAWALS. Confused I convinced myself "Well, you took the suboxone so it blocked the H from helping you", which may be true, although my normal guy's stuff seemed like it could cut through subs if I did enough, and I did way more this time.
The next day I was even sicker. I desperately popped 2 and a half sobos. NO effect. Later that day I called the same guy and bought another 100 dollars worth. Again, BARELY reducing the effects. I told myself the same reason. Later that night I finally fell asleep and when I woke up, the worst of it was over, suprisingly only being some weird 2 day nightmare after my weird WD schedule.
Of course, I still had the awful uncomfortableness, horrible energy, and EXTREME throwing up/nausea. It's worth mentioning nausea was NEVER a symptom for me the first 9 years. It's the only one I never got. Now It was.
I am now on what I call Day 15. It's really not, as I syphoned that last baggie and then bought those 2 from the guy even though they didn't work, but I'm calling it day 15 since most of those days I was clean. The thing is, whether you want to call it Day 7 or Day 15, why the hell do I still have the most severe nausea I've ever had in my life? Somedays I can eat, even mostly well, but many I can't eat a thing.
So, my questions are that, and WHAT is the reason suboxone could've stopped working for me? I am actually 100 percent sure I will never touch this stuff again. This is the first time I've ever been clean for a week or 2 and am dead set on continuing it, but how can I make this nauseau reside? I tried stuff called Diotame I believe it was called and it barely worked. Thank you for answering both of these questions for me and I'm sorry for the long post.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi FinallyTime - welcome 
I don't know anything about fentanyl and suboxone. Those sort of things I'd take to my doctor altho I understand you might not want to do that.
congrats on your clean and sober time
D
D
I don't know anything about fentanyl and suboxone. Those sort of things I'd take to my doctor altho I understand you might not want to do that.
congrats on your clean and sober time
D
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Wow, it sounds like you have been through one hell of a ride with all this. I'm afraid I can't answer any of your questions as I have zero knowledge of this stuff.
Congrats on 15 days and best to you as you get through another 24 hours.
I hope someone can chime in soon to answer your questions.
Congrats on 15 days and best to you as you get through another 24 hours.
I hope someone can chime in soon to answer your questions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 275
You may never get any good answers to your questions. Certainly the way you've been using is far different than anything that's ever actually been studied, so any answers you get will be from anecdotes... someone's opinion based on their experience, or someone else's second- or third-hand experiences, filtered through more layers of opinion.
One thing you can do, which will put you back on the map of known experience, is to avoid all opiates from now on, no matter what. With everything permanently out of your system, at least you won't have to wonder about esoteric combinations of pills and baggies with uncertain contents.
Sounds like you're committed to being clean, so you're heading in the right direction.
You may not know what happened in the past, but you'll know what you've got going on in the present.
One thing you can do, which will put you back on the map of known experience, is to avoid all opiates from now on, no matter what. With everything permanently out of your system, at least you won't have to wonder about esoteric combinations of pills and baggies with uncertain contents.
Sounds like you're committed to being clean, so you're heading in the right direction.
You may not know what happened in the past, but you'll know what you've got going on in the present.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Ginger tea may help with nausea.
Peppermint tea, mint tea, fennel
There are all sorts of healthy options to help with your nausea and those options can be found in your local produce department or grocery aisle.
Im not sure anyone can answer your questions. I think moving forward, staying sober, and living your best life might be the greatest and most positive solution around!
Peppermint tea, mint tea, fennel
There are all sorts of healthy options to help with your nausea and those options can be found in your local produce department or grocery aisle.
Im not sure anyone can answer your questions. I think moving forward, staying sober, and living your best life might be the greatest and most positive solution around!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 742
We need you here Pete. Even though most of us are alcoholics we have some addicts here. This opiate stuff though continues to evolve so your recent experience could really be helpful to newcomers with a similar background. Our community is evolving along with the substances we battle. For both addicts and alcoholics that seems to be the long term answer, helping other addicts and alcoholics.
Im an alcoholic but I've used a bit of pills and heroin. I would only do this if I was already drinking and smoking crack. I only shot up a couple of times, I usually snorted. Given my state of mind I'm not sure how accurate my perception. Anyway it seemed shooting would make me higher but go through me quicker. Or I guess i would be really high and then seem to come back to a certain level. Snorting it didn't get my as high but it seemed to get me real high for a long time. I guess much of the reason I snorted was I always already messed up and was never quite sure how, exactly, they actually got the needle loaded.
This is going back 6 years and things have changed since then. A life long friend of mine was an addict. He had a chunk of sober time for close to a decade. Either while he was using or sober we were good friends. He did not live to even see me make a serious attempt at getting sober. Neither one of us realized it at the time but I got a blue print of a sober life watching him get sober.
I remember many times he would go through withdrawal and be miserable for days at a time. He seemed to be on his way back to recovery. Then one night he relapsed and since he was doing this alone no one was aware that he had over dosed until the next morning. From what I understand there was fentynal found in his system. He was in another state at the time and only saw him once over the last several months of his life and talked to him 3 nights before the OD. I can't say for sure since I wasn't there but I don't think he had much or any experience with fentynal. At least to my knowledge it was around but I don't think it was as common as today.
From what I understand the withdrawal from fentynal is much more severe and can even be dangerous. Would it hurt to see a doctor? Trust me, im the last one to go to the doctor for anything but... i think withdrawal symptoms could go for a week or more since you last touched it.
Im old, I've seen many people and I know of many more that have died picking up opiates after a period clean. They have no idea what a stacked deck they are playing against. They all probably thought they were being safe using again. With today's fentynal that deck is only stacked higher. If you are feeling that bad just see a doctor and get through it safely. This can be more complicated then an at home heroin detox.
Im an alcoholic but I've used a bit of pills and heroin. I would only do this if I was already drinking and smoking crack. I only shot up a couple of times, I usually snorted. Given my state of mind I'm not sure how accurate my perception. Anyway it seemed shooting would make me higher but go through me quicker. Or I guess i would be really high and then seem to come back to a certain level. Snorting it didn't get my as high but it seemed to get me real high for a long time. I guess much of the reason I snorted was I always already messed up and was never quite sure how, exactly, they actually got the needle loaded.
This is going back 6 years and things have changed since then. A life long friend of mine was an addict. He had a chunk of sober time for close to a decade. Either while he was using or sober we were good friends. He did not live to even see me make a serious attempt at getting sober. Neither one of us realized it at the time but I got a blue print of a sober life watching him get sober.
I remember many times he would go through withdrawal and be miserable for days at a time. He seemed to be on his way back to recovery. Then one night he relapsed and since he was doing this alone no one was aware that he had over dosed until the next morning. From what I understand there was fentynal found in his system. He was in another state at the time and only saw him once over the last several months of his life and talked to him 3 nights before the OD. I can't say for sure since I wasn't there but I don't think he had much or any experience with fentynal. At least to my knowledge it was around but I don't think it was as common as today.
From what I understand the withdrawal from fentynal is much more severe and can even be dangerous. Would it hurt to see a doctor? Trust me, im the last one to go to the doctor for anything but... i think withdrawal symptoms could go for a week or more since you last touched it.
Im old, I've seen many people and I know of many more that have died picking up opiates after a period clean. They have no idea what a stacked deck they are playing against. They all probably thought they were being safe using again. With today's fentynal that deck is only stacked higher. If you are feeling that bad just see a doctor and get through it safely. This can be more complicated then an at home heroin detox.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi Pete,
Welcome, I'm glad you found us. I'm not sure why you are experiencing such bad nausea. If you don't want to talk to your doctor, maybe try something otc from the pharmacy. I hope you get some relief. And, you've made a great choice to stop using drugs.
Welcome, I'm glad you found us. I'm not sure why you are experiencing such bad nausea. If you don't want to talk to your doctor, maybe try something otc from the pharmacy. I hope you get some relief. And, you've made a great choice to stop using drugs.
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