Pekelover2

And I’ll be my own. I’m very scared.
I’ve got some things planned. Reading for the new job. Reading a book that I just got (for pleasure). Watching some TV. I just want to cry. I’m so down. I wish that I could get out of my head for just an hour. (That’s what drinking does for me. It gets me out of my head. So that the negative thoughts stop percolating).
I’m breathing. Nice, slow deep breaths. I’m trying. I went for a walk earlier.
Thank you for listening.

Tetrax

Can you run again soon?

SouthCoaster

It will be ok. Enduring nights like these are where you grow in your recovery. It's not pleasant at times but it will pass and you will get through it. It's only temporary.

You can do this! Good luck 👍🏻

Pekelover2

Hi Tetrax-
No, I can’t run. I still have the pin in my hand. Thanks for responding.

Tetrax

Sorry to hear that

Steely

It's going to be ok Peke.

Don't worry about your busy head. You are doing everything right.

All you have to do is not drink, and ever so slowly the busy will become calm. Time is on our side, if we use it properly. That's my theory at anyrate, and I'm banking on it.

Good about buying a book for pleasure. Enjoy, Peke.

Dee74

As scary as it was in the beginning, I learned to be comfortable in my own company.
It takes time but it is possible, PL

There's nothing to fear about alcohol either. It can't suddenly jump down our throat of its own volition.
You hold all the cards

If you need to relax why not try a favourite movie or album, read a book, stream something, start a hobby...the list of possible things to do is endless once you start

D

Pekelover2

Thanks, Steely. I just feel so exhausted. The highs and lows of being in my head are tiring. One minute it’s “you’re awful, you’re stupid”….then it’s “everything is going to be okay”. I need constant reassurance. It’s exhausting. My bf always gives me encouragement. But it lasts for about ten minutes. Then I’m miserable again.

Thanks, Dee. I’ve got so many things to relax/distract me. It’s just tricky preventing my mind from circling back to its dismay.

Pekelover2

My husband is scared that I’ll drink when he’s at work this evening. I feel badly about that.

advbike

I'm sorry you're in your head, Peke. I have the same tendency, and was helped by Eckhart Tolle's books about the ego and activity of the conscious mind. That constant voice in our head (of which the AV is a subset). He wrote two - the first, The Power of Now, is good but kind of hard to read because his writing is a bit abstract. The second one, A New Earth, was definitely easier to digest and made a lot of best seller lists. His teachings are intended to bring us into appreciation of and living in the present moment, not the past or future, where the mind often goes.

My therapist in the Pacific Northwest also felt that either our ego or our higher power is running the show and in my case it was often my ego. I tend to ruminate, dwell on things and try to control future outcomes and he would always encourage me to "let go" of control and turn things over to my higher power. In fact it was when I consciously made an effort to do that that indeed my life had a lot less drama and life was full of meaningful adventures.

Dee74

It takes time to build trust again but you will PL

D

Steely

I think it's the way of recovery for many of us Peke. I was/am still in my head, often fearful, and self critical.

It has gotten so much better though Peke, and all I did was to stick to my original resolve to not drink no matter what the circumstance.

And even if I do not emerge as that fantasised 'perfect'l person I had my eye on in the past, I will have emerged sober, and would have learned more about myself. That's all I'm looking for at the moment Peke. Sober, and growing through sober experience. Oh, why meeeee! 😂

We're going to make it a Peke. Hang tight.

fishkiller

My experience almost to a tee. It takes some of us a Looonggg time to slow the brain down but as long as we are drinking we have zero chance of peace.
It's rough I know. 2 years in and I am still training the brain to be more positive. Not to be so critical and focus on gratitude for what IS good in my life.
Going through the agony of early sobriety will all be worth it when you come out the other side and see the positive changes in yourself that happened simply because you Do Not Drink Alcohol.

I do not believe any of us will ever be a perfect version of ourselves the way we picture it should be or have a perfect life. It's just not possible IMO.
As long as we are here sober and clear headed making the best decisions for ourselves and our loved ones I think that is about as close to perfect as you need to be.

Stay sober with us. Promise you won't regret it

Pekelover2

(Southcoaster, thank you so much for your kind reply. I didn’t see it initially).

Advbike, as always thank you for the sage advice. (You’ve really done your homework. Ruminate is the perfect word to describe what it is that we do!). I understand what you’re saying about the ego etc. I can only describe this as feeling that I’m experiencing like being at a beach. And you’ve waded into the water to that point where the waves are constantly breaking at your waistline. You want to go into the deep end (ie drink) to where it’s calmer…or back out a bit to where it’s just sandy shore. Living in the present is such great advice. And I constantly forget to do that. (And yoga. But it’s okay. I’ll do it tomorrow).

Steely, thank you so much for the encouragement. It means a lot. It’s after 9pm here. And I’m still sober. I’m sticking to it!!

Fishkiller, thank you so much for your kind words of support. Two years is an incredible amount of progress. Ic ant even get two months lately. But it will come. It has to come. As you said, if we drink we can’t have peace. And that’s all I want now. I want to have peace and to be happy.

Pekelover2

I ended up going to the ER tonight. I have a pin literally sticking out of my middle finger. The hand surgeon put it there during my surgery to stabilize the finger break. . It will be taken out in ten days. I forgot that I wasn’t supposed to take a bath (and submerge my finger in water). It got seriously infected- and fast too. Had I been drinking I probably wouldn’t have noticed the pain/swelling. And if I had noticed, I certainly couldn’t have driven myself to the ER. My husband was working there tonight, so he was (in some ways) happy to know that I’d not been drinking.

I felt frustrated driving to the ER. Why do I have so much bad luck with respect to my health? Then I thought of my friend from high school who has ALS. And I realized that I’ve been really fortunate so far.
Thanks.

Dee74

I’m glad you sought treatment PL

D

samwitch

Wow Peke! I'm so glad you are okay, that you didn't drink and you were able to get to the ER, though of course I'm sorry about your finger. When stuff like this happens to me I truly believe it's the Universe(or whatever--pick your term) sending a message: you didn't drink therefore you were able to take care of what needed to be taken care of.
Maybe too woo-woo, but bottom line--glad you made it through and I hope things improve soon.

advbike

Wow, Peke. Glad you're okay! Great job staying sober and capable.

anxiousrock

Hope you are doing okay. I'm usually fine for Friday night but Saturday is a whole different story. I'm rested and only work til 11am, and it's never too early to drink. I took another extra night shift today so forced to be sober.

Pekelover2

Anxiousrock-
good for you for making a plan! That’s smart.
I’ll be okay tonight. For some reason if I don’t drink on a Friday night I have FOMO. My husband will be home tonight.

Thanks, Advbike!! “Capable” is the perfect word. I was capable last night. Not passed out on the sofa.
Samwich, Thank you for what you wrote. It’s not too woo-hoo. It’s truly the universe smiling at me.
Thanks, Dee!