On serial relapsing
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On serial relapsing
It's Day 4 for me and my pattern these past few months has been get sober for a few weeks, get drunk for a week. When I'm drinking I don't deny to myself that I'm alcoholic but I tell myself I can pull off being a functional one. Until I wish to stop and the insomnia and anxiety kicks in and then I'm so grateful to get to somewhere like today, a Day 4, where I've slept well for the first time in a while and wake up feeling good. But I know after a few weeks I'll feel battered by emptiness and will be like, 'Well I've got to drink, I can't live like this.' And then after a week of drinking I'll be like, 'Well I've got to be sober, I can't live like this...'
I know it's just garden variety alcoholism but the dichotomy in my head living like this is driving me crazy! Anyway I'm just venting really.
I know it's just garden variety alcoholism but the dichotomy in my head living like this is driving me crazy! Anyway I'm just venting really.
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I identify with that a lot. It's crazy isn't it?
If I'm completely honest with myself, I haven't fully been able to grasp the idea of lifelong sobriety. I just cannot accept that idea yet because it seems too big for me. All I can do is focus on the now and the immediate future, which I can handle. I'm much the same in other areas of my life; I've never been one to plan much for the long term future.
If I'm completely honest with myself, I haven't fully been able to grasp the idea of lifelong sobriety. I just cannot accept that idea yet because it seems too big for me. All I can do is focus on the now and the immediate future, which I can handle. I'm much the same in other areas of my life; I've never been one to plan much for the long term future.
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To me, I wouldn't call it garden variety, although you may be right. I've always puzzled over binge drinkers that go for months, and then when the addiction would ordinarily be at bay, they jump right in and start the cycle all over again. But this happens so frequently among many that maybe it is garden variety.
Perhaps a better way to look at it as just another form of alcoholic behavior. A guy that I met early on in AA was like that. He had quit so many times and would accumulate months of sobriety singing the praises of recovery at AA meetings, and then he would jump right in to the bottle and stay drunk for months. He was so good at making it through the cravings that I think he became over confident. But one time he went back to drinking, and drank himself to death.
I don't think there is anyway around it. Quitting has to be quit... or you haven't really quit. You just took a break. Relapse is not a part of recovery. Instead, it is one of the most insidious symptoms of alcoholism.
Never having dealt with this sort of situation personally, the only thing I can suggest is just to keep on trying until you find that key to getting it right. As a daily drinker, that's what I did for years before I finally figured it out. Just keep trying until the light comes on.
Perhaps a better way to look at it as just another form of alcoholic behavior. A guy that I met early on in AA was like that. He had quit so many times and would accumulate months of sobriety singing the praises of recovery at AA meetings, and then he would jump right in to the bottle and stay drunk for months. He was so good at making it through the cravings that I think he became over confident. But one time he went back to drinking, and drank himself to death.
I don't think there is anyway around it. Quitting has to be quit... or you haven't really quit. You just took a break. Relapse is not a part of recovery. Instead, it is one of the most insidious symptoms of alcoholism.
Never having dealt with this sort of situation personally, the only thing I can suggest is just to keep on trying until you find that key to getting it right. As a daily drinker, that's what I did for years before I finally figured it out. Just keep trying until the light comes on.
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Originally Posted by DriGuy 
To me, I wouldn't call it garden variety, although you may be right. I've always puzzled over binge drinkers that go for months, and then when the addiction would ordinarily be at bay, they jump right in and start the cycle all over again. But this happens so frequently among many that maybe it is garden variety.
Perhaps a better way to look at it as just another form of alcoholic behavior. A guy that I met early on in AA was like that. He had quit so many times and would accumulate months of sobriety singing the praises of recovery at AA meetings, and then he would jump right in to the bottle and stay drunk for months. He was so good at making it through the cravings that I think he became over confident. But one time he went back to drinking, and drank himself to death.
I don't think there is anyway around it. Quitting has to be quit... or you haven't really quit. You just took a break. Relapse is not a part of recovery. Instead, it is one of the most insidious symptoms of alcoholism.
Never having dealt with this sort of situation personally, the only thing I can suggest is just to keep on trying until you find that key to getting it right. As a daily drinker, that's what I did for years before I finally figured it out. Just keep trying until the light comes on.
Perhaps a better way to look at it as just another form of alcoholic behavior. A guy that I met early on in AA was like that. He had quit so many times and would accumulate months of sobriety singing the praises of recovery at AA meetings, and then he would jump right in to the bottle and stay drunk for months. He was so good at making it through the cravings that I think he became over confident. But one time he went back to drinking, and drank himself to death.
I don't think there is anyway around it. Quitting has to be quit... or you haven't really quit. You just took a break. Relapse is not a part of recovery. Instead, it is one of the most insidious symptoms of alcoholism.
Never having dealt with this sort of situation personally, the only thing I can suggest is just to keep on trying until you find that key to getting it right. As a daily drinker, that's what I did for years before I finally figured it out. Just keep trying until the light comes on.
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Originally Posted by Farrier
what is garden variety alcoholism?
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Originally Posted by Tetrax
When I'm drinking I don't deny to myself that I'm alcoholic but I tell myself I can pull off being a functional one.
I think I finally figured out what progressive means. A lot of the warnings and stories in recovery circles that I ignored in the past, I can now see the truth there. Some of those things I shrugged off years ago began happening from time to time.
I'm worried now because I don't want to live those horrors. Though at only three weeks sober, I feel like it's been three years. It could be so easy for me to tell myself I'm functional, but people say that's just a stage of alcoholism, not a type.
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Originally Posted by Tetrax
But I know after a few weeks I'll feel battered by emptiness and will be like, 'Well I've got to drink, I can't live like this.'
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What Carl says is true for me too—it is along the same lines as what Dee also keeps saying—that you have to build a sober life for yourself, because otherwise if you change little to nothing about your current drinking life, you are bound to go back to it as it feels like a “better fit” to who you are.
That of course isn’t true, but getting through the denial and inertia of letting go of your old identity, habits, and often friends and hangout places is truly hard at first. I used to feel I had lost something valuable as I finally began to embrace my sober life and identity, but as I left my old self further behind I began to finally see how dysfunctional and toxic that life was, and how distorted I had become as it kept progressing in a negative spiral along with my alcoholism.
I might have managed a couple of more years in the “functional” stage, but it was becoming a thinner and thinner facade and I knew that even if I “passed” or awhile longer, after each binge I was sadder, more broken, more resigned to just giving up. I think that’s why people here sometimes have what is intended as a short binge / relapse that then lasts years or for the rest of their lives.
I didn’t want that, and to get to the peace I have now I had to let go I could ever, ever, ever drink safely again.
Even if I could I couldn’t. . .
That of course isn’t true, but getting through the denial and inertia of letting go of your old identity, habits, and often friends and hangout places is truly hard at first. I used to feel I had lost something valuable as I finally began to embrace my sober life and identity, but as I left my old self further behind I began to finally see how dysfunctional and toxic that life was, and how distorted I had become as it kept progressing in a negative spiral along with my alcoholism.
I might have managed a couple of more years in the “functional” stage, but it was becoming a thinner and thinner facade and I knew that even if I “passed” or awhile longer, after each binge I was sadder, more broken, more resigned to just giving up. I think that’s why people here sometimes have what is intended as a short binge / relapse that then lasts years or for the rest of their lives.
I didn’t want that, and to get to the peace I have now I had to let go I could ever, ever, ever drink safely again.
Even if I could I couldn’t. . .
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I don't believe one alcoholic is "garden variety," or worse yet, "just another bozo on the bus." That's a self-deprecating thing that confident people say about themselves to try to look humble. But it stabs me in the gut every time I hear it because I am not that confident and have struggled for as long as I can remember with the concept of being just like everyone else, only less so. Like... I'm some kind of loser that can't even rise to the level of garden variety. Each person who struggles with addiction has their own unique story springing from their own unique garden.
That duality is the very essence of addiction, Tetrax. I've never met a drunk or any other drug addict trying to quit that didn't have that dissonance going on. It's maddening and frustrating and the only way I know to get out of that nightmare is to never drink now. Right now, I'm not concerned about tomorrow or even an hour or a minute from now. Right this moment, I don't drink. As long as I keep that up, the tension continues to lessen.
The beauty and horror of this thing is that each of us needs to find what works for us. You can find that if you look hard, Tetrax. But it all starts with deciding you are not going to drink, no matter what.
p.s. "Functioning alcoholic" is an oxymoron. There is no such thing, as Five has discovered. Functioning is just a passage we travel through on the way to nonfunctioning.
That duality is the very essence of addiction, Tetrax. I've never met a drunk or any other drug addict trying to quit that didn't have that dissonance going on. It's maddening and frustrating and the only way I know to get out of that nightmare is to never drink now. Right now, I'm not concerned about tomorrow or even an hour or a minute from now. Right this moment, I don't drink. As long as I keep that up, the tension continues to lessen.
The beauty and horror of this thing is that each of us needs to find what works for us. You can find that if you look hard, Tetrax. But it all starts with deciding you are not going to drink, no matter what.
p.s. "Functioning alcoholic" is an oxymoron. There is no such thing, as Five has discovered. Functioning is just a passage we travel through on the way to nonfunctioning.
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Tetrax - I sure can relate - that was me exactly for years. My actions led to a very dangerous place. I wish I had quit when I first acknowledged my reckless behavior & lack of control. So much needless damage done - so much harm inflicted on myself and others. I finally got free though. You can too.
Wonderful advice here - priceless help from those who have been there.
Wonderful advice here - priceless help from those who have been there.
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Really interesting thread. I can also relate to it alot.
When I went back to drinking again, I knew deep down I shouldn't have been drinking. How could I? I am an alcoholic. I pretended that I was managing it, that I was functioning, but barely.
I occasionally drank in the morning, I would sometimes drink whilst working from home. If I was due to be in the office, I'd force myself to stop drinking on the Sunday or Monday so that I could get a day or two of recovery in there just to allow myself to get into the office, but as others say, I was clinging on by my finger nails. Binges most weekends, 2, 3 or 4 days.
It's no way to live.
When I went back to drinking again, I knew deep down I shouldn't have been drinking. How could I? I am an alcoholic. I pretended that I was managing it, that I was functioning, but barely.
I occasionally drank in the morning, I would sometimes drink whilst working from home. If I was due to be in the office, I'd force myself to stop drinking on the Sunday or Monday so that I could get a day or two of recovery in there just to allow myself to get into the office, but as others say, I was clinging on by my finger nails. Binges most weekends, 2, 3 or 4 days.
It's no way to live.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
If you feel empty, that is what you have to work on while you are sober
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Very interesting opening post Tetrax! I have no problems with alcohol myself but I have been addicted to marijuana for a long long time, and it feels the same for me. I’ll be following this thread with interested and I have already picked up on some good advice.
I sincerely hope you can lose that empty feeling. It seems the key to staying sober. For you, and for me as well.
Thanks for starting this topic.
I sincerely hope you can lose that empty feeling. It seems the key to staying sober. For you, and for me as well.
Thanks for starting this topic.
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Hi Tetrax,
Good to see you. My perspective if I may:
This is par for the course I'm afraid. It's partly chemical. You'll have to endure a few months of anhedonia before the sparks of joy start happening. Once you get there, motivation becomes much easier. As they say here, chop wood and carry water, ie stick to a planned daily routine even if it bores you.
It's really not. Once you have made the decision to stop drinking there's no battle. You take alcohol off the table for good and tell the AV no.
Stay close. Keep trying. All the best. Forwards.
Good to see you. My perspective if I may:
Originally Posted by Tetrax
But I know after a few weeks I'll feel battered by emptiness and will be like, 'Well I've got to drink, I can't live like this.'
Originally Posted by Tetrax
Of course the AV has already let me know that I'll be able to afford alcohol now, so I guess it's all out war...
Stay close. Keep trying. All the best. Forwards.
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I thought I was functioning, but I really wasn't. Living to the next drink is no life, something that gets pretty clear the longer you don't drink. But the critical thing is realizing that by not drinking you are not giving up anything, you are gaining everything. You are no longer a slave, paying cold hard cash for certain ill health or worse, you can make your own choices and live with them, happily. Change the mindset from giving up alcohol to gaining sobriety and reset your thinking.
Good luck, Tetrax. The new job can be a new start, just decide today that you won't drink, and then keep doing just that, every day. It is completely worth every effort.
Good luck, Tetrax. The new job can be a new start, just decide today that you won't drink, and then keep doing just that, every day. It is completely worth every effort.
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