Icandothis2013

So I met up with my friend from the US who is one of my best friends in the whole world… although she has probably been aware of my drinking problem , she has never really said anything. I knew she herself has stopped drinking c 2 years ago for health reasons , not because she has a problem. We discussed this over lunch and she said how much better it made her feel, how just after stopping she had sugar cravings but had eventually lost weight etc etc and yet I could not say “I have stopped drinking too”. So I skirted around the subject and eventually muttered something about having stopped and changed the subject .. what is wrong with me ?? It was the perfect opportunity to open up with someone I am really close to ! Maybe I’m not ready or am not really convinced I’ve stopped for good ? If the latter, I’m in big trouble !

MrPL

Hi Ican - this is trouble you can fix, open up to the next person you meet to be sure.

I find accountability helpful, people are surprisingly mostly supportive.

suki44883

I understand what you're saying. Back when I first started trying to quit drinking, I kept it to myself because I was afraid I'd fail, and then be embarrassed if other people knew. I think that's part of the alcoholic mind trying to keep the addiction going. Like it's saying...don't tell anyone because then they'll be watching you just waiting for you to relapse. It's really just added pressure you don't need.

When I had finally had enough and knew I couldn't live that way for one more minute, I told everyone. I had woken up once again, at my keyboard, in the wee hours of the morning. I sent an email to my work and told them I was going to check myself into an inpatient detox and didn't know when I would return. Then, I did just that...that very night. I didn't care if I lost my job (I didn't). I didn't care who knew. I just knew I had to do something, anything, to get and stay sober.

I know it's a personal decision as to whom we reveal our personal business. I know not everyone feels they can admit something like this to their employer, but I truly had hit my bottom and whatever happened didn't matter as much to me as getting the help I needed.

I don't think your hesitation to admit you have quit drinking is unusual. I did it for a long time. It wasn't until I reached the point where didn't care what the consequences would be, that I was able to be completely honest with myself and others. The longer you stay sober; the more confident and comfortable you become with sobriety (not complacent), you won't feel so afraid to admit it to others.

advbike

I found it really helped me to tell people. Everyone knows, lol. It helps to hold me accountable.

In any case, I'm glad you didn't drink Ican, 3 weeks is really good progress!

least

When I first quit drinking I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid I would fail and they would know it. But after I got comfortable with being sober I wasn't afraid to say it.

dustyfox

It seems it can be a dilemma whether to 'tell' people or not. The UK has a complex relationship with alcohol and there is a big drinking culture which can feel difficult to move out of - it's been this way for decades.
I have said 'I don't drink anymore'
If the response is surprise or curiosity I say, usually with a laugh ' As I get older it doesn't do me any good, I feel better without it'
I now quite like saying it and accept the confusion on people 's faces.
It does get easier the longer your have sobriety - I do think it's important to state it - it affirms to yourself the commitment you have made.

Steely

You're not "in trouble" Ican. All normal, in the early days. I was same.

I was reluctant to tell people because thought I'd look like a loser. A big fat loser failure who couldn't control their drinking like other people. A big fat loser, failure! Pride. Ego.

Funny how things change. Pride now, that I don't drink. Ego replaced with a measure of humility which has me easy spill the words, "I don't drink alcohol", to anyone who might offer. It's an easy spill now, and I like it. My own personal SpeakEasy.

You don't have to tell anyone until you are ready Ican. You are doing great.

Congrats on 3 weeks.

VikingGF

You will tell people when you are ready, the important part is your actions at this point. You're doing great.

Anna

I think it all depends on you and I don't think you should necessarily feel pressure to tell others. For a long while after I stopped drinking, I didn't tell anyone at all. I think I was still working through shame and guilt and I felt that it wasn't something I was ready to share. And, then, at some point, it just became such a non-issue that I never did talk about it with people. I was known as a non-drinker and that was it.

saoutchik

Congratulations on 21 days Icandothis!

I don't think there is anything wrong with you Ican, telling everyone that you have stopped puts more pressure on yourself. Once you have a bit more time under your belt I'm sure you will be pleased to tell her.

Dee74

Like others have said there's no one way to deal with this.
I told everyone but I was a very public drunk by the end.

There's nothing wrong with playing your cards close to your chest

If you were to find yourself in a drinking situation tho and can't speak up/decline then, you may be in trouble...

congrats on 21 days

ToughChoices

You sound strong and determined!

I held a very public position in a very small town, so my admission of addiction necessitated telling (directly and indirectly &#128521nearly everyone.

Sucks for going to pickup my kids at school, but it’s great for avoiding temptation! In my case, now that everyone knows, I am free!!!!

But I’m told that many people manage to keep their recovery adventures private (It is called Alcoholics Anonymous, afterall!) 😜

You can probably strike some form of compromise with your usual grace and intelligence, Icandothis!

Big hugs and three cheers!
-TC

Delilah1

You are not in trouble at all, and there is a good chance your friend may have stopped for more than health reasons. When people who I haven’t seen in a while realize I am not drinking I will share I stopped drinking several years ago when I was dealing with heart issues, I say it was part of an overall effort to be healthier in all aspects of my life. This is a partial truth. I was having heart problems, and that is the time I finally decided to stop drinking for good, but I also had a drinking problem, I do not share that part of my story with everyone. There are some who know, and I have no doubt others who assume, but I choose who to share the whole truth with.

You will choose who to share your story with, when you are ready.

Evoo

I kept my best friends and family at arm’s length when I was at my worst, too. There’s a reason for this, and it’s *shame.* I still use “health reasons” as my primary public reason for not drinking (which is half true).

It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but I actually don’t think alcoholism is something to be ashamed of… alcoholics simply process the drug differently than other people do, and it’s more harmful and addictive to me that it might be to others; that’s not my fault, it’s biochemistry, it’s genetics — it’s math; it just is.

But even believing this now, I’m still not interested in processing this with anyone but my wife and people on SR. Not even my closest friends and family who are well aware I had a problem. There’s still a stigma associated with alcoholism, and I guess I don’t want to be “the alcoholic.”

I think that’s okay, too… One step at a time. You don’t need to force opening up.

Mizz

The great news is that you get to share your life and its changes with people when you are ready. There is nothing wrong with saying something or not. Its your life. We don't owe anyone an explanation. We don't owe the world our truth. We owe it to ourselves to be honest with ourselves. You are not hiding anything if you dont tell people you quit drinking. Its just not their business.

I struggled with this last year when I went to a birthday dinner for a friend. I was questioned as to why I was not drinking. It became a curious thing. A few weeks later, my not drinking came up in a phone conversation. I just didnt feel the need to talk about it and I still do not feel the need to talk about it. Does the fact that I am not drinking change who I am to this person? No. I've never drank alcohol around them anyway. I certainly don't ask them why they ARE drinking? Its not my business. I digress....You are doing very well and you will speak your truth about this when you are ready. This thing, of telling or not, is very personal. You get to decide.

nez

Nothing is wrong with you, you are on day 21, you are doing great! Don't overthink it. It is okay to reflect upon it and wonder about ways to change, but do not dwell upon. Your response to similar scenarios will probably differ in the future as you progress on your journey, and that is as it should be. Instead of "what is wrong with me", how about "what is right with me". Rejoice about day 21 and progress made thus far. Let the flower open and blossom naturally. Don't strangle or over water it.