lessgravity

It took me a long while to achieve permanent sobriety. I got sober 4 years ago, at 40, and while the long, twisting path to get here took away much, it also taught much as well. I learned broken humility, the meaning of suffering, luck, ugliness of betrayal, hope, the brutality of self-deception, dark shame, how time can be lost for good, self-control, the boundless yet quiet joy of inner peace...the list could go on and on.

I don't often reflect on my path and, besides a post here and there on SR (which have gotten further and farther between as of late) I don't share in the paths of others. Although I am content with how I achieved sobriety, there are times I wish I had a taste of the camaraderie AA provides its members, even just to have friends who I could meet up with in my real life who are sober like me. Anyhow I digress...

What I wanted to share tonight was one lesson from my path to sobriety that has an essential, fundamental place in my life and my way of thinking of my life to this day. As with so much of my experience on SR, I am sure that Dee is the person to thank for introducing me to "urge surfing." Learning what it is to "urge surf" changed my life. It is of such deep, profound value that I want to remind myself about it and devote focus to it in my life now, even in permanent sobriety.

This is because urge surfing has application well beyond quitting booze. In essence it is a means of accessing the knowledge that you are not your thoughts. What I mean by that is that academically we could all agree that thoughts come and go, and that we are not what we think. But intellectually acknowledging that is very different from coming to know, in your body, what it means. Urge surfing is not just a concept, it is a skill and a tool and, in that way, it must be learned.

Its baseline lesson is simple - you are not your thoughts. Your thoughts, or urges as it relates to the alcohol, come and go like waves on an ocean. You can understand it when you think about anger or happiness - all-consuming thoughts with a short half-life that fade as if they weren't even there. And it turns out the same is true with the longing to drink - the feeling comes and it goes. Again, intellectually we all know this - but coming to learn and experience it when you are trying to stop drinking is another story.

When I was in early sobriety, trying to stay sober, learning to urge surf literally saved my life. It allowed to see that the terrible, at times overwhelming, compulsion to pick up would pass. In those moments of desire to drink it is very difficult to imagine that the desire itself subsides. For me the key insight of urge surfing was the actual experience of witnessing the urges subside. I can remember the revelation. It was so powerful that it presented me with the tool I used to get sober. I owe my life to urge surfing. And in sobriety the technique does not lose value. It becomes more a kind of "thought surfing" as rather than urges, people like me battle self-doubt, avoidance and a deep-seated lack of worthiness.

Because the thing that everyone who gets sober comes to find out is this - the real work starts on this side of sobriety. Especially for those of us later in life, all the habits, patterns, obstacles, tricks of survival - ALL THE AVOIDANCE - that we utilized to keep drinking for decades, all of that not only doesn't just disappear in sobriety - it all actually remains in us (at least me) and continues to thwart, disrupt and maybe even destroy the life that was saved from booze. In sobriety I have accessed so much of the good that I was searching for all those years in bottles - peace, self-trust, time, opportunity, respect. But I am still hounded by the habits of old - the beast of avoidance looks for new tools now that I have taken away alcohol.

Just recently I have been battling with that beast again - my self-destructive tendencies, though tamed in many ways, still present themselves in procrastination, fear and self-criticism. I have much work to do on myself and, at times, it feels like I'm just getting started.

All this is to say that I must remind myself to turn to thought surfing, lean into it and utilize it when I find my self caught in another cycle of self-recrimination. Those intrusive voices of self-doubt and the lies of failure, shame and unworthiness are just that - intrusive thoughts. Even though they are sometimes very present, loud and consuming, they will come and they will go. The trick is to remind your self that they are just thoughts and they do not have any more power over you than other thoughts.

I've had a rough few weeks. Both the facts on the ground and my reaction to them were aligned in unhealthy self-criticism that felt like the truth, reality, rather than just another phase of the mind. I had a hard time separating my self from my thoughts. But even in the more difficult hours, there was a voice in my head that knew the dark water was going to pass. That voice is there because I have learned to thought surf. And today, emerging from this tough week, I am so thankful, yet again, for this life technique that I wanted to come here and share. Thank you SR, as always.

MaximusD

Great post! Thank you for reminding me about urge surfing!

Dee74

thanks for that LG - great post and great practice

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DriGuy

I've heard about it, but never had it described in that depth. I want to look into it some more. It sounds like a helpful tool.

Alpine

Thanks!!

D122y

Great post. I get it. By any means.

I was such a mess for a very long time when I quit. But, SR taught me that if I try to take the tempting road, relapse, things would get more and more difficult.

In my job there is are so many details that folks can stick to. But there are just a few things that will get you fired.

I relate this to drinking. There really is just 1 thing. Don't drink ever again.

Then there is: 2. Be content.

The list can go on, but the main things for me are 1 and 2.

By any means.

Thanks.

advbike

Fantastic post LG, your expansion of this concept really helps me, as I am also very susceptible to my negative thought patterns and avoidance has always been my primary way of dealing with it. Avoidance through alcohol, relationships, procrastination, shopping, and other behavioral compulsions. Anything to not have to experience those uncomfortable feelings.

This is concept is very helpful to me, and I appreciate your effort to articulate your understanding of it so well.

ClearPath64

As always, thanks for your thoughtful words LG. I've struggled with these same negative thought patterns for 40+ years and relied on alcohol to numb them out. Even during extended periods of sobriety, I've never had much luck sitting with the thoughts for very long. However, I know that alcohol can never be the solution.

I'm glad that you have made it through this rough patch and learned from it.

Free2bme888

LG, big hugs and thanks for the great post!

You will help so many!

In the stickies, a section of this forum, there is a great explanation and many response posts about urge surfing that are helpful to those seeking more knowledge in that arena.

I urged surf last night about dark chocolate with almonds, my absolute fav treat. I thought it, felt a little dopamine release in anticipation of the taste, of the sight of the cupboard where it lays. Instead, I brushed my teeth, put my grind guard in, and I forgot about it.

So urge surfing works on other things. I surfed that urge, because it doesn’t align with my goal of getting a little fitter in about six weeks time. Delayed gratification, it’s kind of broken in active addiction.

My goal is forever sober, to be content with that. So as LG says, it’s essential to relearn that. And our brains are AWESOME. WE CAN DO IT.

thanks, LG, so glad you used that tool to overcome the urges during this difficult time, and for honestly sharing that life’s not all rainbows and unicorns just because we stop drinking. Old destructive can be broken, it just takes practice and a lot of time.

Congratulations on your 4 years!

advbike

Oh my.. that's some serious ability to dismiss those thoughts, and delay your gratification, Free!

Haha, great job!

Dee74

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