VikingGF

It was last April when my health started to really spiral- I even put notes on my calendar to tell me how bad each day was so I could keep track. I did not attribute my symptoms to alcohol, and I was consuming 2-3 bottles of wine a night (I bought the boxed stuff- but the "good" boxed stuff- HA!!) I was spending a small fortune per week- but I was also using this strategy to kid myself- no glass in the trash! I'd demolish those boxes to smithereens so I didn't have to look at 9-12 of them a week (two a day on weekends) in my recycle bin. Ugh. This is painful. I would wake up every morning at 3AM- mind racing with health worries, heart pounding, POUNDING and racing. My pulse was never under 90 at rest. In the AM it would shoot up to 113-126 just getting ready for work. I was always aware, and because my mantra had become "I don't care, not going to live too many more years anyway" I just didn't let it affect me. But in early April 2021, I had symptoms that I could no longer ignore easily. My heart started fluttering and skipping, and one time while driving, I felt light-headed to the extent that I shouted and sort of snapped myself out of it. I didn't realize what I know now- I was withdrawing every single morning- only to feel better when I got to my wine at the end of the day. Not great- but better. This went on for a while- and I did begin to "try" and stop drinking- taking off 4-7 days, finally feeling better and then going right back to it. I didn't know I was also creating a kindling nightmare for myself- and by the time I really quit all the foolishness, I had a heck of a battle on my hands. By August, I was a hot mess- anxious, completely shut down, isolating and no longer able to keep food or liquid in. While no one has said to me my drinking was responsible for that level of illness, it is hard for me to accept that it was not a good-sized piece of the cause of all the things going wrong. For me, my real journey started a year ago, last April- filled with denial and avoidance- and I come here today to both celebrate how far I have come from that place of helplessness and true despair. I wasn't ready to fess up and do the hard work until a few months later, but now I have 8 months sober and for the first time I am sure that this is my new normal. I never had the "pink cloud," just gratitude- I haven't had the desire to drink but I respect the power alcohol had over me and I will remain ever vigilant, because I have seen it take others down after years of sobriety and I am no better/stronger/smarter/immune than anyone else. I understand and celebrate everyone who comes here to try and try again, because that was me, too. So many times, over and over and over. Then there comes the time that you stop and you get through the haze and the doubt and if you really listen and trust all the voices here- you kind of wake up. Last April- I never would have believed I could be here. Not drinking AND feeling powerful and in charge and living a healthy, active and good life? No way. I have had more than one person come up and say to me that I'm "different now." Yes, I sure am. I have endless gratitude to this community and the honesty and wisdom shared here, without you all, I am not sure where I would be right now.

brighterday1234

Congratulations on 8 months sober 🙏

dustyfox

What a powerful post Viking - and what a journey, so much of it I recognise from my own experience and as I read it I felt so very grateful, thankful that I was reading it sober and with a total understanding of what you are saying, for I think if I had read that two years ago I would have not been able to hear your message, such was the cloak of addiction. Now, I can celebrate your success and really feel how much it means. Congratulations!

Dee74

congrats VGF - so glad you turned it around

D

least

Where to go Viking Girlfriend! I can relate to your story all too well. Stopping and starting and stopping and starting.

Thank you for the reminder, and for the inspiring post.

DriGuy

I like this. It was my experience, also. After so much turmoil and failure, the light comes on, and you're on your way.

Steely

Thanks for posting Viking. It's my story too. Thank goodness it is no more.

Huge congratulations Viking.

least

VGF, that was supposed to be way to go, not where

MaximusD

Great, inspiring post Viking! Congratulations!

DriGuy

Even before I realized I had a problem, I knew I could quit if I had to, but that proved harder than I imagined when the time came. At the very end, I was having doubts, but somehow I still knew I could quit once I found my way. If other people can do it, so can can anybody else. It's not always easy, but it can be done.

VikingGF

I stopped many times, DriGuy- but as you so accurately said in a post on another thread, that was just taking a break from drinking, it had very little to do with being sober. I haven’t ever been sure I could live happily without drinking, until this time. All those tries in the past, I was just waiting to drink again, whether I knew it or not, because my mindset was wrong. We shouldn’t say we are “quitting drinking” but rather “gaining sobriety.” Stopping drinking has no negative side that I can logically see, and the biggest barrier to long-term sobriety seems to be the belief that being in an altered mental state makes situations happier, easier, more fun, etc. Once the cognitive shift happens, all those falsehoods disappear and the struggle ends. The work continues, but it’s not a battle any longer.

Steely

Spot on Viking.

advbike

Fantastic job of turning things around, Viking. Really inspirational!

Icandothis2013

Brilliant post Viking ! I think we need another quiz to celebrate ! :-)

DriGuy

Yes, "Mindset." It's more than a commitment where one is determined to never drink again. For me there was also a perception shift that is hard to describe. I began to see myself in a different light, proud of being the guy that doesn't drink, rather than the guy chained to a pointless obsession. A mindset is something you begin to feel rather than just decide upon, but a decision is probably necessary to get the ball rolling. Initially, it showed up as knowing I was a new person, not just the same old drunk taking a "time out." I think the most dramatic part of that mindset for me was seeing myself as an permanent winner, rather than a permanent loser, at least in the case of taking my life back from alcohol. And pride! Not to the order of narcissism, but basically knowing that I was really good at taking charge of my life and making changes. And confidence; Lots and lots of confidence.

AT A PARTY: "Can I get you something to drink?" "No thank you, I'm not a drinker."
........ end of story.

When this gets to be fun, you are getting somewhere.

Exactly, the mindset is totally and singularly focused on the sobriety end of the continuum, and the drinking end of the continuum, becomes little more than a memory. The mindset draws its strength from sobriety, rather than thoughts of getting that next (or first) drink. It's a new and different perspective, and it makes us new and better persons.

Mizz

You are a true Warrior. I relate to what you have written. You have changed your life. I am so happy for you and what you have accomplished. SO HAPPY!

ClearPath64

I couldn't be happier for you Viking. Not only are you an inspiration, but a real friend to those of us that are struggling. Thank you for the time that you spend lifting others up. It makes a difference.