Sweetd1033

I haven't posted on here in a long time. After finally leaving a scary abusive relationship I thought everything would get better but instead I sit here typing this with shaky hands, tears running down my face and a glass of vodka.
I feel myself spiraling and don't know what to do. I seem to get a good amount of time sober and then one drink and it slowly escalates. It's so hard to talk to people about what I'm going through. Why isn't there an off button for this? My anxiety is driving me crazy and I feel like I am the worst person in the world.
If I can just stop now everything might be okay but it's SO hard. My mind is playing tricks on me how do I trick it back? I just want to stop & I want to stop forever. The brain is a crazy powerful thing.
I don't even know why I'm posting, any words of encouragement help at this point or similar experiences. I feel so alone.

MaximusD

Sweet, I am right there with you and only a day ahead. Things will get better once you stop. I just got to the point where I had no choice because I was too sick. Already feeling a little better 36 hours in. Hang in there but you can't get started until you stop drinking.

Hevyn

Hi sweet. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I did the same thing before getting sober for the final time. Thought drinking would help me through a bad spell in my life, but it only made everything so much worse.

It is hard to stop in the beginning - but much harder to keep going & ruin your health and sanity. I'm glad you posted - you know we all understand, and most of us have done what you did. I was sober 3 yrs. once & tried to become a social drinker. Almost lost my life before coming here & stopping for good. You can do it. Keep talking to us.

Sweetd1033

Thanks for your reply maximus .. How sick were you?

Sweetd1033

Thanks Hevyn.. Yes it's making everything worse for sure. I am not going to pour anymore I don't want to lose everything

sugarbear1

Are you ready to stop fighting alcohol and surrender? No more fighting it. No more rationalizing buying it. Just know, deep in your heart, that you are done drinking alcohol. You got this.

Sweetd1033

I am so done .. I surrender.. I guess I need to realize a few rough days right now is better than losing everything or even worse losing myself

Hevyn

It seems impossible at first - but each day we grow a little stronger & more determined. You can heal from this.

least

It feels impossible right now but it's not. Take it one hour at a time if you have to. distract yourself. I didn't think I would ever succeed but now I've got over 12 years sober. It IS possible but you gotta do the work.

Alysheba

Sweet, glad you are here. Sending you love and prayers to get through this. We are all here for you and so many of us have sufferred similarly to you. Keep coming back. SR can be so helpful if you are ready. Sounds like you are ready.
Love and Peace and all the best with your sobriety. 💗💖💟☮☪💫

Nonsensical

I have a trickster living in my head, too.
It is a liar and a thief. It would murder me if I let it.
You can't trick that part of your brain. You can't negotiate with it, you can't educate it, you can't reason with it. It can't be shamed, humbled, trained, intimidated, or nurtured.
It. Must. Be. Starved.
I starved the liar in my head and it can no longer trick me.
I highly recommend it.

VikingGF

Sweetd- I'm glad you are out of a bad relationship- now it's time to end your relationship with alcohol. The beginning is daunting and scary but we already know you are brave- you can do it. You will never control it- so get rid of it. You are not alone- we have all been through the beginning, most of us more than once. You can do this, lean on us and come here often.

Sweetd1033

100%.. starving it is so uncomfortable.. I'm not even on day 1 yet this will be hard. I am gonna try my hardest .. thanks everyone for responding. it means the world .. you might have just saved someone's life.. hopefully I can pay that forward some day

Sweetd1033

Okay I will .. thank you so much

calmself

Loved the last few lines. This is the part most miss to understand. Starving it is the golden key to happiness. Will seem impossible at first, but the voice weakens if we don't feed it. Vice versa is true as well, the higher the quantity and frequency, the bigger it becomes until it finishes us off.

Steely

Great advice from Nonsensical, Sweet. Starve the trickster!

Good to see you posting.

advbike

Sorry to hear. We can't have one - that first drink sets it off. The book Alcohol Explained, by William Porter, explains why. Easy to read book.

I found once I understand that it's a physiological reaction, not a matter of my willpower or morals, it was easier to accept it.

I would also humbly suggest you need to be here every day. Reading and posting. No one can do this on their own.

Dee74

Welcome back sweetd

There is of sorts - but it means never hitting the on button.
It will be tough for a while, but we can do tough things - we prove it everyday when we go to ridiculous lengths to drink.

Time to throw that stubborness and singled mindedness at not drinking

you can do this

D

DriGuy

That's what you need to do, and it's exactly what's at stake. That was my bottom. I hope it's yours.

Alpine

I am on your side! It is going to be darn hard but it is so worth it!! If possible keep yourself busy and distracted to keep you on the path you want to be on. You can do this.