dustyfox

....20 days till I reach a year - I feel that I have overcome the worst of the cravings and managed to make progress on some of the issues that led me to drink in the first place. So that's good.

I feel nervous, which is I know my AV, as I approach a year of sobriety. A year is the longest time I have managed, and I have only achieved this once before and almost to the day I relapsed for a further 4 years.

So I am stressed at the moment due to family circumstances , sleeping badly and seem to have a very short fuse! I want to be vigilant, I want to make sure that I get to the year but more importantly that I sail through that year anniversary into many more.
I am not really asking any advice as such but just holding myself accountable and facing myself full on in the knowledge that I have too much to lose and reminding myself that a life of sobriety despite stresses and strains and insomnia is the only path.
I will be very pleased when I hit a year on May 15th but even more delighted when I reach 18 months because that will make me feel like I have truly turned my life around.

Alpine

Way to go! You should be very proud of yourself, I am proud of you.

Steely

That's really exciting Dusty.

Keep sailing.

Hawkeye13

Great job on both sobriety and accountability!

DriGuy

One year is a special landmark. For me it was more important than 26 years, but sometimes I want to damn the practice of year counting. Recovery is not about years. It is about a better life and improving ourselves. I had a drinking buddy one time who drank more than I did. He got demoted over an incident that had to do with his drinking. Was he an alcoholic? I think so, and someone else must have suggested this to him. He decided to go one year without drinking to see if he was an alcoholic, and he did it (or at least said he did it), supposedly proving to himself that he was not an alcoholic so he started drinking again.

I don't see you this way, so I'm not sure why I related this story, but I would feel more comfortable if you weren't worrying about this issue. Rather than worrying about failure, I would prefer to see you locked on to success, knowing that there is not a snowball's chance in Hell that you will ever drink again.

So when does one achieve that state of mind? I suppose like all other aspects of alcoholism, it's different for everyone. I let go of my worries somewhere around 9 months, with a change of perspective about me and the reality I live in. But up until that 9 months, I will say I worried about my sobriety in the most senseless way. I worried enough to fill 50 years. I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. But I did finally feel like I was on firmer ground when I quit worrying.

But don't equate worrying with vigilance. Vigilance is something you never want to let go of, even if it plays in the background. Vigilance combined with rational thinking are the keys to staying sober forever, at least for me. Some may rely on faith, and if that works, I'm all for that. I'm for anything that works. I could say that if worrying about it works, I'm for that too. But I found an easier way to do it without the worry. Now having said that, I will confess to a small jolt of fear when the thought of having a cold one farkles through my brain. But that jolt of fear is quickly followed by a silly laugh at myself (may AV).

Hang in there, Dusty. You are on the right track. If there is a chance you might drink again, worry may not be a bad thing. We are all different.

Robbie64

Keep going dustyfox, you're doing really well.

Why did you lapse last time after a year? AV or boredom or something else?

calmself

Great job, Dusty staying away from the poison. Keep going, you are an inspiration.

samwitch

Fantastic Dusty! This is a great post and I'm rooting for you!

EarlO

That's pretty awesome Dusty! Keep it up and you will be at your 18 month mile stone in no time at all.

Zebra1275

The only way you make it to 20 days, is doing it "one day at a time."

Icandothis2013

Well done dear friend ! Keep it up ! x

biminiblue

so...I drank again after 18 years.

I am not even sure I'll live to see 18 years again.

Doesn't matter. Daily, moment by moment I face the unknown and keep telling myself, "I don't drink - no matter what." I had never made that statement in my previous 18 years.

I hope it's enough!

You've got this, dustyfox. Next right thing and all that.

Mizz

You are doing very well.
I too have been a bit short fused lately. I had to admit this yesterday to my spouse. Its okay. We are human.

I am excited for you. One year is a AMAZING! You will get there. Cheerleading from afar!

Anna

Dusty, you're doing great and you will sail through to May 15th and beyond.

Hodd

Good question from Robbie, Dusty. It must’ve been devastating to drink again after a year. Right now, 11.5 months sober, you must be feeling way better than this time last year, despite not feeling great just now.

I’m pretty sure you’re now doing things that you couldn’t do before. Wouldn’t drinking thwart all that?

It sounds like you’re getting stressed from worrying about drinking again. Why do you not think sobriety is here to stay?

Dee74

We’ll be here to celebrate both milestones DF
D

dustyfox

Robbie you ask why did I relapse last time - reading DryGuys story did remind me of myself the last time I gave up for a year -

When I reached that milestone last time, I thought; maybe I am not an alcoholic after all; my liver must have regenerated after a year; now I can drink like a normal person; so when I went out that very weekend to a concert and picked up that glass of wine I was kidding myself this was the start of a beautiful new relationship with alcohol
- and well yeah - very fast within 24 hours I was back to where I was before. So I guess the answer is I never wanted to stop in the first place, not really, I was just putting off the moment I picked up again.
It IS different this time, I can feel that, I mean I have actually committed to telling people here, albeit using a pseudonym, about my problem! Something previously I would have NEVER admitted to anyone. I do worry about my AV, and maybe that worry is necessary , for the time being, almost as an extra weapon in my armoury, although I agree with DriGuy that worry in itself is probably not a great way to remain sober, but for the moment I will accept it.
I am excited Steely, it's a good feeling, excited that I have found the strength I knew I had - Roll on May 15!

Jo43

Awesome on how far you have come Dusty!!

I found admitting to people and holding myself accountable helped me massively in my sober journey. Heres to 18 months and onwards!! I have a plaque on my wall with the serenity prayer and my AA coins. I get warm and fuzzy and happy when I look at them. But the most important coin is my 24 hour one as that is the one that reminds me that I need to stay accountable and keep it one day at a time always.

Heres to the 15th May and a fabulous celebration xx