Pregnant and confused!
 

My boyfriend and I are together and have a toddler together right now. We recently found out I am pregnant (this one wasn’t planned but things happen) and he is recently dealing with addiction to Percocets but the fake ones that have fentanyl in it. I am so stressed about how I’m going to take care of 2 kids while he’s in addiction, I’ve even thought of abortion which I don’t really want to do. I’m stressed out about money and his priority is drugs and any money he does get goes to that. He isn’t working right now and I know until he’s off the drugs probably won’t be able to even hold down a job. He knows how much it bothers me and I’ve told him we can’t work out unless he’s sober. I’ve given him ultimatums and drove him to rehabs for him to make excuses and try to detox at home(of course to fail.) I’ve done it all and still he has sold his cars and everything to his name to get money for the drugs when that could be going to our baby on the way. He tells me this is not the life he wants and has cried to me how he needs to stop doing it but of course he is addicted so the next day he’s trying to get more pills. My toddler is so attached to him I don’t know what to do…kick him out both our lives until he’s sober, just mine? idk where to go or what to do

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through - it must be terribly confusing and painful.

When you say he is "recently" dealing with his addiction, what does that mean in terms of time frame? Sadly, once the addiction takes over, it becomes the primary obsession and need for the addict - at the expense of everything else, as you've seen. It doesn't mean they don't want to be clean, just that the addiction has become so powerful that they are willing to do anything to get more. Often they do not get sober until they are forced to by using all available resources they can get their hands on, and often ending up on the street - so you must protect yourself, your child, and your assets - or he could well drag you all down. As long as you are there for him he will probably continue to use, and he really needs to be in a rehab. Ultimatums often do nothing but allow the addict to continue using. It might change when you are actually gone.

You can get more specific advice at this link below - one of the sub-forums that deals with this sort of thing (where a family member or partner is addicted). Please protect yourself.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/

And.. please read the Sticky note at the top of that page called "What addicts do".

Thank you advbike! We went on a 6 month break and I wasn’t speaking to him too much but I guess during that time frame he started smoking the pills and when we began dating again the addiction wasn’t as bad and he was good at hiding it so I didn’t know forsure until it got so bad like it is now. he doesn’t have access to my bank accounts but he is always needing money and selling things which frustrates me because it could go to our kids. I told him if he doesn’t care to stop and lose me then I don’t care if this relationship works but I know it is a lot harder for them to mentally want to get better like you said. I think I need to tell him it’s rehab or he needs to be out of my life until he goes. Just not sure what to do about my toddler and him but I will look into that forum you suggested thank you

Hi and Welcome, I'm sorry for the situation you are in and I know it must be very upsetting. My suggestion is to focus on yourself, your child and your unborn baby. No amount of ultimatums or drives to rehabs are going to change things for your boyfriend. He will need to make the decision to be sober for himself. And, I'm sure that your child is attached to your boyfriend, but keep in mind that he will be a negative role model for the child and that's really important. Do you have any family that you can lean on at this time?

I hope you continue reading and posting. We do understand how hard this is for you.

Anna makes some good points, especially about raising a child in a home with an addict. It is very damaging to them and to the partners. I would also add that a simple trip to rehab won't fix an addict. It is the first step in the road to recovery - depending on type of drug, length of use, and other possible mental/emotional issues. Not to discourage you, or say he can't do it, but rehab is only a start. And he has to want it. If he goes to make you happy, it may seed a resentment in him and then he may use again at some point.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

That's a hard place to be. I understand your situation and your boyfriend's. See I was the opiate addict and my wife is you in the story. Do you leave or do you stay that will be your choice in the end. Do what's best for the children and yourself. I am here today working in day 704 clean of opiates. Almost lost my wife kids job you can say rock bottom. Is my life perfect no haha but I'm living breathing and everyday I wake up means I'm not done yet . There still work to do. :tyou

Hi and welcome Needhelpasappp :)

I think the advice here to do what is best for your kids and for yourself is spot on.

You all deserve a good life.

Your husband will have to choose for himself whether he wants to fit in with that - or not.

D

He smokes the pills off foil and it’s been around 9 months and gotten worse as the months have gone on. At stickyone, I hope our outcome can be like yours is. Congrats! I hope since it hadn’t been too too long he will be wanting to change for himself and for our family but it is all up to him. I do need to focus on myself and my kids and if he chooses to go for professional help then be supportive

Keep your head up. Change it happens no matter what but having a healthy schedule has helped my life for a positive change. A 2 sided coin in the process of me changing was that by fixing myself I was breaking wife. I had no idea of the problem. I was clean trying my best day by day .

Sometimes the very best thing that can happen to an addict or alcoholic is to lose everything, including acces to you and his chlid(ren). It's safer for you and yours and knowing he has nothing can sometimes spur the decision within himself to get sober...although it may not, at least for now. You have to look out for yourself but especially your child(ren), staying in this relationship would be damaging and dangerous for them.

Im sorry for what brings you here.

This is a lot to deal with. Your health and the health of your children are the priority. You have 3 lives that you are going to be responsible for and his addiction to pills is not anything that is yours to take on. Take care of yourself, your toddler and this unborn child (If you choose to have a child) You all deserve to have structure, peace, love and a life free from the chaos of addiction.

I don't want for this to sound insensitive to someone struggling with addiction Needhelp, but that boyfriend of yours sounds like a real jerk. He's spending what money you have, and you have a toddler, and now pregnant. I'd think very carefully about trying to maintain a relationship with him at the moment. I'd want to see absolute positive change before I proceeded with both him, and the pregnancy. But that's just me.

Would you be able to survive financially without him?

I'm sorry this is happening to you, it must be so very stressful. I hope you will make contact with a women's organisation, counsellor, therapist, someone who can give you face to face support. You deserve it, and so does your little bubba.

He needs to pull his head in, or he'll lose the lot. But you don't have to. :)

So I was waiting to update but I went though all the work of finding him a detox, calling, even showing up when I didn’t get call back and he did the interview process and they gave him a day and time to go in. He knew this was my final straw and he needed to go in for us to work. When it was time for him to go he backed out so I told him it’s done. He made a big scene of drama very very upset saying I’m leaving him in his weakest moments but I can’t force someone to get help that doesn’t want it and I went through all the work to get him help. I ended things and now I have to just figure out how I’m gonna deal with me and taking care of my kids. I hope he comes around and wants help but I don’t think he realizes the seriousness of it all. It’s been a day and he’s already asking to see our toddler but he needs to get better

Yes, he needs to want to get better and he's not at that point. I'm glad you ended things because you know that's the best thing for you. And, stick with your plan that he must get better before spending time with your toddler. Focus on you and your child and your baby-to-be. I'm sending good thoughts your way. Please know that we're here for you anytime you want to pop in.

I'm really sorry Needhelp. All of that energy wasted on someone who knows he has to change but is not ready. Yet. And maybe he never will be. Who knows? I hope not for all your sakes.

Point is you need to take care of yourself and your child first, and foremost. It's really damaging for kids to be exposed to this sort of stuff. Dad snorts pills off foil! Yay. :( Damaged self esteem, confusion, shame, lousy role model, the who box and dice. Only a toddler now, but this won't always be so. And YOU deserve better.

I hope you are able to stick with your resolve, for to do otherwise would only open the door for him to continue as before. No consequences. And without consequences there will be no change.

Will you be able to support yourself without him? Do you have family who can assist?

Always welcome here Needhelp. :)

Absolutely the right thing to do, NeedHelp. I know it must have been hard, but clearly you are strong and have your priorities straight.

all you need to do is take care of yourself, your child and your unborn baby. Put your energies into them. He is old enough to look after himself. It is not your responsibility to look after him, take care of him, check if he is drinking or not, book him into rehab hope he goes etc etc etc. He is old enough to do that himself and if he wants to go he will do it.

your child and unborn child are not able to look after themselves. they need you to look after them. please focus on the people who really matter here

look out for yourself and your kids. let him take care of himself.

I don’t have experience with this type of situation, but from one pregnant mum with a toddler to another I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and tell you how freaking proud I am that you left. That must have been so hard to do.
Just keep making choices in the best interest of you and your babies. He’s declined your help and it’s up to him now. I hope he comes clean, but if he doesn’t, just know that you are strong and capable and you can do this.