Suddenly so sad at what I have done..
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 742
You are right where God wants you to be.
To what extent do we really have free will? Right now, i would think it is very unlikely that you or I will pick up a drink tonight. It seems like complete free will. Given what we have learned about our condition (alcoholism), learned about ourselves, this should be a pretty slam dunk decision for us not to drink tonight.
Years ago all I knew was that my head was madness and a drink fixed that right away. From society I understood that it was perfectly normal for people to drink. Even encouraged. Given the information I had at the time it seemed like the right decision to pick up a drink in those days.
My drinking caused a lot of problems but it led me to right now. The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. (I think William Blake wrote that). I have a better relationship with God because of my drinking. I have many benefits of a sober life. Heck of a price many of us have paid to arrive here but it is what it is and we can only try and make the next right decision. We can't get side tracked on the regret of the past or fear of the future. I feel like I am getting too old to waste any time on that. (Not that I don't from time to time)
To what extent do we really have free will? Right now, i would think it is very unlikely that you or I will pick up a drink tonight. It seems like complete free will. Given what we have learned about our condition (alcoholism), learned about ourselves, this should be a pretty slam dunk decision for us not to drink tonight.
Years ago all I knew was that my head was madness and a drink fixed that right away. From society I understood that it was perfectly normal for people to drink. Even encouraged. Given the information I had at the time it seemed like the right decision to pick up a drink in those days.
My drinking caused a lot of problems but it led me to right now. The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. (I think William Blake wrote that). I have a better relationship with God because of my drinking. I have many benefits of a sober life. Heck of a price many of us have paid to arrive here but it is what it is and we can only try and make the next right decision. We can't get side tracked on the regret of the past or fear of the future. I feel like I am getting too old to waste any time on that. (Not that I don't from time to time)
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Originally Posted by Surrendered19 
There is a Portuguese sentiment called "saudade." It is a noun and saudade is deep, nostalgic, and melancholic longing for something or someone, often accompanied with a denied fact that what one longs for will never come back.
I've always appreciated that offering from our Portuguese friends, because even though the sentiment makes me cry sometimes, it feels like I can see what it is and can cry some, and then move on from it best I can.
I've always appreciated that offering from our Portuguese friends, because even though the sentiment makes me cry sometimes, it feels like I can see what it is and can cry some, and then move on from it best I can.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
Dusty, thank you so much for this post and this thread is fantastic. Dealing with regret has hung me up so many times in the past. I haven’t completely come to terms with it but I feel going forward that because I am now living my life so much more authentically, honestly and openly that I never ever would’ve gotten here if I had not gone through what I have. Maybe I am lucky because in reality the only one I really hurt was me, at least I think that’s the case, and I have chosen to forgive myself at this point. Any of the ramifications of my past behavior are truly mine to deal with and mine alone. I can’t think about the could’ve would’ve should’ve at this point and I just move forward with gratitude and dedication to my sobriety and I thank my past for ensuring that I will never forget how important my future is.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I have been given a second chance. Any time I spend on things I did or didn't do in the past, is time taken away from doing the next indicated right thing in the present and honoring the second chance I have been given.
I am grateful for today. My past got me to today. I don't wish to repeat my past, but because of my today, I don't have to repeat my past. The lessons of my past are invaluable to my today. My past keeps me on track in the present.
I am grateful for today. My past got me to today. I don't wish to repeat my past, but because of my today, I don't have to repeat my past. The lessons of my past are invaluable to my today. My past keeps me on track in the present.
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Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,926
How are you today, dusty? Any more upbeat?
I’m sure everyone on the day they meet their maker has some regrets. It’s also only human to regret not doing more in our youth. I know one thing, though, and that’s when I’m on my death bed, I won’t regret quitting the booze and then having a life. I won’t bore everyone (even more) again about my wife’s friend with cirrhosis, but we’re all a lot luckier* than him.
* We made our own luck.
I’m sure everyone on the day they meet their maker has some regrets. It’s also only human to regret not doing more in our youth. I know one thing, though, and that’s when I’m on my death bed, I won’t regret quitting the booze and then having a life. I won’t bore everyone (even more) again about my wife’s friend with cirrhosis, but we’re all a lot luckier* than him.
* We made our own luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,161
Originally Posted by tornrealization
The past has also led me to appreciate the present in ways I’ve never would have otherwise.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
What a great thread.
At over 7 years sober, I still have days when I feel so sad that I wasted so much of my precious life, and so sad that I was not the best mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee, etc., that I could have been. It hits me HARD at times. I cry. Then I try to realize that even this feeling is a gift. It doesn't feel like it, but it really is.
How many people get a chance to make themselves over? I know many non-alcoholics and addicts who go through life with similar sadness and regrets, and never do the sort of self-examination and healing that we lucky alcoholics are practically forced to do. We have the opportunity to take those regrets and that sadness and make something good. I argue that we will ultimately be better people than we ever would have been if we had not made such a mess of things.
The whole William Blake quote is: “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom...You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.”
We all had to figure out for ourselves what was "more than enough." And we can figure out how to live a good life without the excesses. We can discover our authentic selves, and learn to stay in a place of gratitude for the paths we took, and the lessons learned along the way.
At over 7 years sober, I still have days when I feel so sad that I wasted so much of my precious life, and so sad that I was not the best mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee, etc., that I could have been. It hits me HARD at times. I cry. Then I try to realize that even this feeling is a gift. It doesn't feel like it, but it really is.
How many people get a chance to make themselves over? I know many non-alcoholics and addicts who go through life with similar sadness and regrets, and never do the sort of self-examination and healing that we lucky alcoholics are practically forced to do. We have the opportunity to take those regrets and that sadness and make something good. I argue that we will ultimately be better people than we ever would have been if we had not made such a mess of things.
The whole William Blake quote is: “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom...You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.”
We all had to figure out for ourselves what was "more than enough." And we can figure out how to live a good life without the excesses. We can discover our authentic selves, and learn to stay in a place of gratitude for the paths we took, and the lessons learned along the way.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,153
Beautiful perspective! Couldn't be more true IMO.
Thank You
Thank You
Originally Posted by MLD51
What a great thread.
At over 7 years sober, I still have days when I feel so sad that I wasted so much of my precious life, and so sad that I was not the best mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee, etc., that I could have been. It hits me HARD at times. I cry. Then I try to realize that even this feeling is a gift. It doesn't feel like it, but it really is.
How many people get a chance to make themselves over? I know many non-alcoholics and addicts who go through life with similar sadness and regrets, and never do the sort of self-examination and healing that we lucky alcoholics are practically forced to do. We have the opportunity to take those regrets and that sadness and make something good. I argue that we will ultimately be better people than we ever would have been if we had not made such a mess of things.
The whole William Blake quote is: “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom...You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.”
We all had to figure out for ourselves what was "more than enough." And we can figure out how to live a good life without the excesses. We can discover our authentic selves, and learn to stay in a place of gratitude for the paths we took, and the lessons learned along the way.
At over 7 years sober, I still have days when I feel so sad that I wasted so much of my precious life, and so sad that I was not the best mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee, etc., that I could have been. It hits me HARD at times. I cry. Then I try to realize that even this feeling is a gift. It doesn't feel like it, but it really is.
How many people get a chance to make themselves over? I know many non-alcoholics and addicts who go through life with similar sadness and regrets, and never do the sort of self-examination and healing that we lucky alcoholics are practically forced to do. We have the opportunity to take those regrets and that sadness and make something good. I argue that we will ultimately be better people than we ever would have been if we had not made such a mess of things.
The whole William Blake quote is: “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom...You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.”
We all had to figure out for ourselves what was "more than enough." And we can figure out how to live a good life without the excesses. We can discover our authentic selves, and learn to stay in a place of gratitude for the paths we took, and the lessons learned along the way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,848
I have always been a 'seeker', someone who even as a teenager was always looking for something that would give me meaning, a sense of comfort, of magic , that I felt was 'there somewhere' - I looked in poetry, in music, in art, in relationships, and in the bottle, which is where I got lost for so long. Now? Now I am properly sober, nearly a year and total commitment to staying in sobriety, now I feel that my place in the world, my faith , my belief have all finally led me to where I was meant to be, albeit for the moment rather wistfully.
MLD51 you're right ,We, alcoholics, addicts, are forced to go through this self examination in order to recover and that is a great opportunity to discover our authentic self.
Thank you Hodd, although I do not feel upbeat as such today, I do feel acceptance that this 'saudade' is necessary, and that it will help me deepen my commitment to sobriety.
The posts here have been fascinating, stopping drinking is only the beginning of the journey it seems..
MLD51 you're right ,We, alcoholics, addicts, are forced to go through this self examination in order to recover and that is a great opportunity to discover our authentic self.
Thank you Hodd, although I do not feel upbeat as such today, I do feel acceptance that this 'saudade' is necessary, and that it will help me deepen my commitment to sobriety.
The posts here have been fascinating, stopping drinking is only the beginning of the journey it seems..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,857
Thank you, dustyfox, for your thoughtful, touching, wise and relevant opening post.
Thank you, Surrender19, for reminding us of the Portuguese word/sentiment “saudade”.
Thank you, everyone, for your heartfelt shares.
I, too, have many regrets - the deepest of which are those of lost time and setting a bad example for my children, nieces and nephews.
I suspect that this thread will go down among The Best of SR.
Thank you, Surrender19, for reminding us of the Portuguese word/sentiment “saudade”.
Thank you, everyone, for your heartfelt shares.
I, too, have many regrets - the deepest of which are those of lost time and setting a bad example for my children, nieces and nephews.
I suspect that this thread will go down among The Best of SR.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,356
I remember being overwhelmed by the knowledge that most of the pain I had suffered was self inflicted and didn't need to happen. I've had some really ****** things done to me especially when I was a helpless child. Still, I was the biggest offender. I hated myself so much. I put myself through hell. The silver lining was me realizing I had way more say than I ever imagined I did.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,597
This is a really good thread.
I was hit with huge amounts of guilt about what I had done and how I treated others. I did a lot of reading at SR, but the guilt and what I call "deferred emotion" took me by surprise because I wasn't prepared for it.
I was hit with huge amounts of guilt about what I had done and how I treated others. I did a lot of reading at SR, but the guilt and what I call "deferred emotion" took me by surprise because I wasn't prepared for it.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I still have moments when some memory of past bad behavior fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread.
It could make me mopey for hours. Sometimes derailing my entire day.
I have learned to take a few deep breaths and thank God and the universe that things did not turn out worse than they did.
Then I thank my brain for reminding me how awful drinking really was for me.
I am grateful for the memories, as they protect me from future bad behavior.
I find it impossible to feel grateful and dreadful at the same time.
It could make me mopey for hours. Sometimes derailing my entire day.
I have learned to take a few deep breaths and thank God and the universe that things did not turn out worse than they did.
Then I thank my brain for reminding me how awful drinking really was for me.
I am grateful for the memories, as they protect me from future bad behavior.
I find it impossible to feel grateful and dreadful at the same time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Dusty,
In my experience, we only truly learn from our mistakes. The night that I made the decision to seek help for my addiction, I sat in the same overstuffed chair that I had spent so many nights before, drunk again. I was angry, lonely, frustrated, and it seemed that life had no purpose other than a slow falling apart: my health, relationships, self-worth. I knew that my alcoholism was a part of all those negative things, but I thought: "what's the point?" I considered suicide, not seriously - not like picking up a knife or some other way to end my life, but if this was all there was... why not? As drunk as I was, I knew that was an irrevocable decision, so I chose to check myself into rehab knowing that I could always revisit the more permanent option.
As my sobriety progressed, the realization of all the ways I had squandered my years became clearer to me. I felt unworthy and beyond redemption. That was 2009. In the years since, I have made amends to the extent that I was able. But today my greatest regret is how shallow my presence was in the lives of the people that I loved. There were several occasions where people truly needed me, and while I was physically there I was not present. I was perpetually absorbed in my own wants and neglected to set them aside at the times that the people closest to me were in their moments of greatest vulnerability and need.
I cannot change those choices. I can only remember them and do my utmost to not repeat them. AA's big book talks about keeping our selfishness and ego in check - those are not concepts that most people spend a lot of time considering. They are the cornerstones of recovery, and the basis of a life worth living. That will not change overnight. But if you honestly and courageously pursue your recovery you will find that those events in your past will become the foundation of your character and the relationships you build in this new life.
It is normal and OK to feel the regrets you do, but do not shut the door on them. You are exactly where you should be in your journey.
------
In my experience, we only truly learn from our mistakes. The night that I made the decision to seek help for my addiction, I sat in the same overstuffed chair that I had spent so many nights before, drunk again. I was angry, lonely, frustrated, and it seemed that life had no purpose other than a slow falling apart: my health, relationships, self-worth. I knew that my alcoholism was a part of all those negative things, but I thought: "what's the point?" I considered suicide, not seriously - not like picking up a knife or some other way to end my life, but if this was all there was... why not? As drunk as I was, I knew that was an irrevocable decision, so I chose to check myself into rehab knowing that I could always revisit the more permanent option.
As my sobriety progressed, the realization of all the ways I had squandered my years became clearer to me. I felt unworthy and beyond redemption. That was 2009. In the years since, I have made amends to the extent that I was able. But today my greatest regret is how shallow my presence was in the lives of the people that I loved. There were several occasions where people truly needed me, and while I was physically there I was not present. I was perpetually absorbed in my own wants and neglected to set them aside at the times that the people closest to me were in their moments of greatest vulnerability and need.
I cannot change those choices. I can only remember them and do my utmost to not repeat them. AA's big book talks about keeping our selfishness and ego in check - those are not concepts that most people spend a lot of time considering. They are the cornerstones of recovery, and the basis of a life worth living. That will not change overnight. But if you honestly and courageously pursue your recovery you will find that those events in your past will become the foundation of your character and the relationships you build in this new life.
It is normal and OK to feel the regrets you do, but do not shut the door on them. You are exactly where you should be in your journey.
------
Originally Posted by dustyfox
I have always been a 'seeker', someone who even as a teenager was always looking for something that would give me meaning, a sense of comfort, of magic , that I felt was 'there somewhere' - I looked in poetry, in music, in art, in relationships, and in the bottle, which is where I got lost for so long. Now? Now I am properly sober, nearly a year and total commitment to staying in sobriety, now I feel that my place in the world, my faith , my belief have all finally led me to where I was meant to be, albeit for the moment rather wistfully.
MLD51 you're right ,We, alcoholics, addicts, are forced to go through this self examination in order to recover and that is a great opportunity to discover our authentic self.
Thank you Hodd, although I do not feel upbeat as such today, I do feel acceptance that this 'saudade' is necessary, and that it will help me deepen my commitment to sobriety.
The posts here have been fascinating, stopping drinking is only the beginning of the journey it seems..
MLD51 you're right ,We, alcoholics, addicts, are forced to go through this self examination in order to recover and that is a great opportunity to discover our authentic self.
Thank you Hodd, although I do not feel upbeat as such today, I do feel acceptance that this 'saudade' is necessary, and that it will help me deepen my commitment to sobriety.
The posts here have been fascinating, stopping drinking is only the beginning of the journey it seems..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Location: Central NC
Posts: 205
I know those feelings all too well, especially pertaining to the destroyed relationships with my children. While it doesn't accomplish anything of real value to go through those feelings, I try to see it as part of the healing process. It's akin to acceptance, I suppose. All I really have left is the here and now. Sorrow and regret can swallow me whole and completely destroy my motivation if I don't shift my focus to being the best person I can be today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,848
Outonthetiles 'deferred emotion' - that is a good way of describing it - I think I am experiencing the emotion and guilt that I deferred through drinking for a long, long time.
30 years or more of deferred emption is landing on me - but yes I am where I should be.
Processing it has to be part of the recovery because if we don't process it we will not recover and then we run the risk of relapse. The storm has to be weathered,
30 years or more of deferred emption is landing on me - but yes I am where I should be.
Processing it has to be part of the recovery because if we don't process it we will not recover and then we run the risk of relapse. The storm has to be weathered,
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Originally Posted by dustyfox
The storm has to be weathered,
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