Recent slip and need some support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Recent slip and need some support
I have been mostly AF for the last 3-4 years. I have had a few slips but they were isolated and sporadic. I had two one-day slips in the last month. Concerned for myself.
I was very active on this site at one time and I just want to get back to feeling good. I spent a lot of time in therapy since I last posted and I just want to be a better person.
I was very active on this site at one time and I just want to get back to feeling good. I spent a lot of time in therapy since I last posted and I just want to be a better person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Just dealing with financial stress at the moment. I have been working a lot as a necessity and need to slow down.
Most of all, I am sure I need to mentally recommit to sobriety; it has been tough recently with personal issues. Trying to have some self-compassion instead of beating myself up over this.
Most of all, I am sure I need to mentally recommit to sobriety; it has been tough recently with personal issues. Trying to have some self-compassion instead of beating myself up over this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: England
Posts: 269
Been there myself so many times.
I just try to remember that drinking will not make anything better, and will only make things worse. If I don't drink then I have a chance. If I do, I'm just going back to square one.
Instead, do more of the things that will help me. There's endless positive little simple things to do that can make us all feel better and push us forward. Focus on them.
I just try to remember that drinking will not make anything better, and will only make things worse. If I don't drink then I have a chance. If I do, I'm just going back to square one.
Instead, do more of the things that will help me. There's endless positive little simple things to do that can make us all feel better and push us forward. Focus on them.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
Hi Pouncer, this isn’t meant to be a smarty comment, but to be mostly AF is a bit like being a “little bit pregnant”.
Cutting down is a good start - I started that way - but I think you know it has to be a total quit. Drinking again albeit occasionally resets all good work, and it’s the hardest way. It surprised me how relatively easy it was to quit 100%. If (after 3+ years) I drank again now, I’d be craving again in no time. We all would.
Good start but now build on it and quit for good
Cutting down is a good start - I started that way - but I think you know it has to be a total quit. Drinking again albeit occasionally resets all good work, and it’s the hardest way. It surprised me how relatively easy it was to quit 100%. If (after 3+ years) I drank again now, I’d be craving again in no time. We all would.
Good start but now build on it and quit for good
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
By not beating myself up emotionally, I am choosing to honor progress over perfection. I am okay with myself knowing that I have had a few slips because every time, I get right back up and work harder to stay sober. The attitude of all or nothing and of demanding perfection has not been helpful to me and is contrary to goals in overcoming childhood trauma. I already feel bad enough about myself. This culture of counting days and needing to repent is why I have stayed away from SR.
When I decided to start giving myself some grace, it helped me stay sober. It’s exactly what I am going to do now.
When I decided to start giving myself some grace, it helped me stay sober. It’s exactly what I am going to do now.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
It’s not a matter of perfection, is it? No one said that.
I did say all or nothing, though, you’re right, because I know (and most people on here) that there’s no middle ground here. It took most of us a long time and a lot of soul searching to realise than it’s either (a) not drinking at all or (b) not being able to control drinking.
We can aim for perfection elsewhere if we choose to. I don’t. We can lots of things. But this is an addiction. You can’t compare it with other aspects of your life.
I did say all or nothing, though, you’re right, because I know (and most people on here) that there’s no middle ground here. It took most of us a long time and a lot of soul searching to realise than it’s either (a) not drinking at all or (b) not being able to control drinking.
We can aim for perfection elsewhere if we choose to. I don’t. We can lots of things. But this is an addiction. You can’t compare it with other aspects of your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
You can reach your goals.
I think it is really smart for you to reach out. You know yourself and you know how you can get past this hurdle. It sounds like you have a healthy mindset. Our recovery is personal. What works for one person may not work for another.
Keep on moving forward with tools and with compassion towards yourself. You are going to be alright.
I think it is really smart for you to reach out. You know yourself and you know how you can get past this hurdle. It sounds like you have a healthy mindset. Our recovery is personal. What works for one person may not work for another.
Keep on moving forward with tools and with compassion towards yourself. You are going to be alright.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Pouncer. Good to see you and I'm sorry you are struggling.
The terms "progress" and "perfection" might not be that helpful to this discussion. I'll wager that nobody on SR would view themselves as "perfect" even those with decades of sobriety.
And, many people who continue to struggle with alcohol and substance abuse of any kind, fighting for their very lives, definitely do not report that they are making "progress".
You might be the extremely rare person that can have slips from time to time but not lose years of your life, or your life itself, back down the rabbit hole of destructive drinking.
So forgive some of us for the necessity of an all or nothing approach to this. And if that absolutism does not work for you, that is fine. Many people cannot function under what could be viewed as a deprivation model at all, and you might be one of those people. However it is most helpful for your future to think about recovery and sobriety is how you should proceed.
No matter what way you come at this thing, you deserve peace and health.
The terms "progress" and "perfection" might not be that helpful to this discussion. I'll wager that nobody on SR would view themselves as "perfect" even those with decades of sobriety.
And, many people who continue to struggle with alcohol and substance abuse of any kind, fighting for their very lives, definitely do not report that they are making "progress".
You might be the extremely rare person that can have slips from time to time but not lose years of your life, or your life itself, back down the rabbit hole of destructive drinking.
So forgive some of us for the necessity of an all or nothing approach to this. And if that absolutism does not work for you, that is fine. Many people cannot function under what could be viewed as a deprivation model at all, and you might be one of those people. However it is most helpful for your future to think about recovery and sobriety is how you should proceed.
No matter what way you come at this thing, you deserve peace and health.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,160
When times get tough we must remember Do Not Drink, No Matter What.
No need to beat yourself up. We ALL have been there.
It's good you aren't drinking every day but let's get you to zero alcohol sooner than later.
You can do that by living that mantra. No Matter What.
It ain't easy but it is worth it.
SR has been nothing but helpful to me. Some of us have different ways of basically saying the same thing. Some not so subtle. Myself included. Don't stray from this place because of us. Stay for the folks that Do help you focus on your journey.
Sometimes we need to be uncomfortable to grow.
No need to beat yourself up. We ALL have been there.
It's good you aren't drinking every day but let's get you to zero alcohol sooner than later.
You can do that by living that mantra. No Matter What.
It ain't easy but it is worth it.
SR has been nothing but helpful to me. Some of us have different ways of basically saying the same thing. Some not so subtle. Myself included. Don't stray from this place because of us. Stay for the folks that Do help you focus on your journey.
Sometimes we need to be uncomfortable to grow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
We actually have the same opinion about abstinence. Perhaps I have misstated and I am not understanding where I have said I am attempting to moderate. I have had about 6 one-day slips over 3-1/2 years. Just presenting background information - honestly did not expect to be jumped in whilst explicitly asking for support.
Coming back here, I am disappointed in the culture I think I am going to fall back on my in-person support group. Hope you all have wonderful day and best wishes for your future.
Thank you Fish for the support. Much appreciated.
Coming back here, I am disappointed in the culture I think I am going to fall back on my in-person support group. Hope you all have wonderful day and best wishes for your future.
Thank you Fish for the support. Much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Hi Pouncer - it's really hard and I admire you for coming back here - be gentle - be kind -be strong and stay focused - post often and read some old threads here, I found it kept my mind on my task - staying sober - creating a deep knowledge and acceptance that sobriety is the way, the only way.
Rooting for you.
Rooting for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
I’m not doing too well lately it seems, but I’ll finish on this thread by saying that quitting drinking requires acceptance that alcohol has beaten us. That goes against the grain of everything else we do in life, but this isn’t everything else - it’s alcoholism.
People can argue against that, but if they’re still drinking, that’s not good. None of us want that. We all want to help even if our words get taken in the wrong way sometimes.
People can argue against that, but if they’re still drinking, that’s not good. None of us want that. We all want to help even if our words get taken in the wrong way sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
My spouse has continued to drink too, often heavily, and it is hard to live with. I also have relapsed multiple times in the past few years as I have been striving for total abstinence; but as I have released more focus and negative energy around my spouse’s drinking, I have been able to build a much more stable, comfortable, and even happy sobriety despite his choice to drink and have alcohol in our home.
I think the key has been to really feel the feelings I had of resentment, envy, betrayal, and fear that I generated around his drinking. I still have some of these feelings sometimes, especially fear as his health has deteriorated considerably due to his alcohol consumption, but I stay in my lane and try to hold a positive space for my quit and his quitting. He has recently really begun to make efforts to stop, so it may be working. I do know once I stopped getting upset with his drinking, and just went about my life, the relationship and his defensiveness improved. But every situation is unique, so obviously, this may not be applicable in other situations.
I wanted to encourage you to never quit quitting, as our “quit skills” can and will be improved if we keep working towards getting booze out of our lives forever. My attitude towards sobriety now is not one of depravation from not being able to “have” booze, but thankfulness and relief I no longer want it.
If I can do it, it can be done by anyone
I think the key has been to really feel the feelings I had of resentment, envy, betrayal, and fear that I generated around his drinking. I still have some of these feelings sometimes, especially fear as his health has deteriorated considerably due to his alcohol consumption, but I stay in my lane and try to hold a positive space for my quit and his quitting. He has recently really begun to make efforts to stop, so it may be working. I do know once I stopped getting upset with his drinking, and just went about my life, the relationship and his defensiveness improved. But every situation is unique, so obviously, this may not be applicable in other situations.
I wanted to encourage you to never quit quitting, as our “quit skills” can and will be improved if we keep working towards getting booze out of our lives forever. My attitude towards sobriety now is not one of depravation from not being able to “have” booze, but thankfulness and relief I no longer want it.
If I can do it, it can be done by anyone
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Pouncer, please make use of the Ignore function when you don't want to see someone's posts.
As you know, there is a lot of support here and in my opinion, our members have a lot to offer.
As you know, there is a lot of support here and in my opinion, our members have a lot to offer.
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