I don't know how much I want to change
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4,788
I don't know how much I want to change
I'm on the waiting list for rehab. So in fantasy land, I do twelve weeks of rehab, go back to college in September and be this sober engineer who goes to AA and has a non-addict bf my age and a friends circle (right now I just have one patient friend) and hobbies. But is that really me? Or am I inherently a degenerate? If my parents kicked me out, I could spend my dole on mouthwash, bum cigarettes, maybe pick up heroin or crack which I've both experimented with. But is that really me either?
I don't know who I am. If you asked me what I wanted to do with my life when I was 16, I'd say get a maths degree, do a PhD in some obscure abstract algebra topic, research and lecture undergrads. I still want that to an extent. But it's a long road. First I need to finish the engineering degree (it's about 85% done), get engineering work and save up for the maths degree. If I go back to college this year, get a good job and work part time during my maths degree, I could be doing it in five or six years.
Maths makes me happy. Its the only thing I'm genuinely good at. Even physics I'm not great at. But maths speaks to me. I understand it. The world makes sense to me viewed through a mathematical lens.
I was originally studying maths in college when I was 17 but dropped out due to mental illness. Alcoholism came much later, in my second year of mech engineering.
I don't know who I am. If you asked me what I wanted to do with my life when I was 16, I'd say get a maths degree, do a PhD in some obscure abstract algebra topic, research and lecture undergrads. I still want that to an extent. But it's a long road. First I need to finish the engineering degree (it's about 85% done), get engineering work and save up for the maths degree. If I go back to college this year, get a good job and work part time during my maths degree, I could be doing it in five or six years.
Maths makes me happy. Its the only thing I'm genuinely good at. Even physics I'm not great at. But maths speaks to me. I understand it. The world makes sense to me viewed through a mathematical lens.
I was originally studying maths in college when I was 17 but dropped out due to mental illness. Alcoholism came much later, in my second year of mech engineering.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I doubted my capacity to be a fully functioning adult too FF.
I’d been a toker and a drinker for so long I thought perhaps that was the real me.
I’d built a life where I didn’t have to be an adult if I didn’t want to be, and make no mistake that was a beguiling prospect for a lot of years.
But…I also knew there was a drive within me to do better with the talents I’d been given.
I also knew the road I was on would kill me.
It was hard to change - the hardest task of my life so far - but I was resilient, and strong. I already knew that from the crises my drinking threw me into.
You don’t survive that stuff without strength.
Rehab won’t be a magic incantation where BLAM you’re cured….but I hope it will give you some breathing space, maybe acquaint you with a few more recovery tools, and hopefully it will awaken in you the same desire I found to be all you can be, FF.
Don’t doubt that you can be every thing you dream of being
D
I’d been a toker and a drinker for so long I thought perhaps that was the real me.
I’d built a life where I didn’t have to be an adult if I didn’t want to be, and make no mistake that was a beguiling prospect for a lot of years.
But…I also knew there was a drive within me to do better with the talents I’d been given.
I also knew the road I was on would kill me.
It was hard to change - the hardest task of my life so far - but I was resilient, and strong. I already knew that from the crises my drinking threw me into.
You don’t survive that stuff without strength.
Rehab won’t be a magic incantation where BLAM you’re cured….but I hope it will give you some breathing space, maybe acquaint you with a few more recovery tools, and hopefully it will awaken in you the same desire I found to be all you can be, FF.
Don’t doubt that you can be every thing you dream of being
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4,788
Thanks Dee. I know rehab will help, it'll be break from the sauce at any rate. Can't think rationally drunk.
I guess its up to me to really use my time in rehab, go in with an open mind and try to learn something.
I guess its up to me to really use my time in rehab, go in with an open mind and try to learn something.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Most addicts have a big part of them that doesn't want to change- that's why we're addicts! 
The drunk part of me just kind of thought, so what if I pass out drunk someday and never wake up? You gotta go somehow. But that wasn't me, it was The Beast. Every drunk is a human, too, and humans are way more than just a collection of flaws and addictions.
Hang in there and give rehab a chance, FF. You have nothing to lose and a life to gain.
The drunk part of me just kind of thought, so what if I pass out drunk someday and never wake up? You gotta go somehow. But that wasn't me, it was The Beast. Every drunk is a human, too, and humans are way more than just a collection of flaws and addictions.Hang in there and give rehab a chance, FF. You have nothing to lose and a life to gain.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Hi FF,
I took quite in interest in Applied Mathematics at Uni and studied it to high level. All my endeavours though were later (temporarily) swept away by mental illness and alcohol. The good news is you can recover. My passion for the sciences is now stronger than ever and I cherish my sober time to learn and develop my skills.
I see a lot of hope in your post, despite the slightly hesitant title. Change is hard, never more so than in addiction, though it is possible and the rewards you will reap when you succeed will astound you. Have faith!
All the best. Forwards.
I took quite in interest in Applied Mathematics at Uni and studied it to high level. All my endeavours though were later (temporarily) swept away by mental illness and alcohol. The good news is you can recover. My passion for the sciences is now stronger than ever and I cherish my sober time to learn and develop my skills.
I see a lot of hope in your post, despite the slightly hesitant title. Change is hard, never more so than in addiction, though it is possible and the rewards you will reap when you succeed will astound you. Have faith!
All the best. Forwards.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4,788
Thanks Forwards. I know change is possible. My best friend Joe was deep into meth and now he's a high functioning successful reformed addict who attends NA and counselling. I know people can pull themselves out of even deeper holes than I'm in. I just don't know if I have what it takes.
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Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Hi FF - isn't it great that you have a subject that speaks to you - maths and numbers - follow your dream if you can. You can. It's great you actually have a dream as many people don't. Change is possible - We are , even if we don't think we are, always moving forward. I really pray things work out for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4,788
So I did some good things today. I did a few push ups, ate some protein, changed my sheets, shaved and showered.
So I don't smell like a distillery. Baby steps to a better life.
I rang rehab. She couldn't tell me when I'll be admitted but she said to ring back next week.
So I don't smell like a distillery. Baby steps to a better life.
I rang rehab. She couldn't tell me when I'll be admitted but she said to ring back next week.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
It was explained to me while in my 28 rehab stay with a
6 week outpatient aftercare program to complete to focus
on my recovery first, getting myself well before making
any kind of major changes in my life the first year.
That first year of relearning and rediscovering things about
myself before jumping into something new was an important
lesson to learn. Anything from new relationships, to career
changes to relocating, to anything huge in life.
We work on our problems, clear away the clutter in our
lives, make amends to those we hurt, forgive ourselves
when we were too sick in our addiction to either care or
truly understand we were at fault.
This time that you will be spending in rehab will not
be a vacation. It's a retreat like to leave the world
for a small window of time in your life to learn how
to correct the wrongs and learn to not repeat them.
Lessons maybe hard and lessons that may take
longer to learn can be expected. You will now have
the proper tools to work with when you return to
your everyday life.
You will have a clear vision of what lyes ahead of
you and to start a new journey in life, a new path,
new changes and challenges all with a sober life
in front of you.
The best thing about this new way of life is, you
don't have to figure it out right now, nor tomorrow
and down the road. Get well first and all those folks
traveling the road of recovery will be there to walk
beside you and guide you, so that you are never
alone.
I am in aw of how you already have a passion and
gift ready to complete or even change once you take
care of you first. You have many blessings ahead of
you and you don't even know it yet.
6 week outpatient aftercare program to complete to focus
on my recovery first, getting myself well before making
any kind of major changes in my life the first year.
That first year of relearning and rediscovering things about
myself before jumping into something new was an important
lesson to learn. Anything from new relationships, to career
changes to relocating, to anything huge in life.
We work on our problems, clear away the clutter in our
lives, make amends to those we hurt, forgive ourselves
when we were too sick in our addiction to either care or
truly understand we were at fault.
This time that you will be spending in rehab will not
be a vacation. It's a retreat like to leave the world
for a small window of time in your life to learn how
to correct the wrongs and learn to not repeat them.
Lessons maybe hard and lessons that may take
longer to learn can be expected. You will now have
the proper tools to work with when you return to
your everyday life.
You will have a clear vision of what lyes ahead of
you and to start a new journey in life, a new path,
new changes and challenges all with a sober life
in front of you.
The best thing about this new way of life is, you
don't have to figure it out right now, nor tomorrow
and down the road. Get well first and all those folks
traveling the road of recovery will be there to walk
beside you and guide you, so that you are never
alone.
I am in aw of how you already have a passion and
gift ready to complete or even change once you take
care of you first. You have many blessings ahead of
you and you don't even know it yet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Originally Posted by freedomfries 
I don't know who I am.
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
I hope that rehab will give you some clarity and help you on your way to figuring out who you are.
let me tell you, as someone who can't do math or sciences.... you are BLESSED! Take it as far as you can! You can beat the darned AV.
let me tell you, as someone who can't do math or sciences.... you are BLESSED! Take it as far as you can! You can beat the darned AV.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 980
I am AWFUL at math! lol. My worst subject right behind science's in both high school and college. I sense that you are very intelligent. Imagine how far you will soar once your system is clean and your head is clear! I am in very early recovery myself. (11 days) but I am doing EVERYTHING that I can and hitting this from ALL angles. Counseling, meetings, vivitrol, church, bible study groups and leaning on my support system instead of isolating which I always do. I hope you can get into treatment soon. In the meantime hang close to here, you have so many people here rooting for you FF!
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