Behappy1

I have been trying to quit for good for quite some time. I had just gotten out of the hospital on Friday from having a seizure from alcohol. Was pretty whacked out on the medicine they had me on for detox. I ended up finding out that I am allergic to Valium and Ativan (used for detox) so they transferred me to a larger hospital and started me on a phenobarbital (sp?) taper. They let me out a day earlier than they probably should have (at my drugged out demand). I came home and had alcohol @ home and started drinking. I live alone with my 2 dogs as my twins are in college.

I apparantly was in the basement cleaning, which I normally do when drinking. The only reason that I know that I was in the basement is because my cousin was texting me and I must have told her. I do not remember being in the basement. I must have been running out of vodka because I got in my suv to go to town, 10 miles away. I guess I ran off of the road and into a ditch. I managed to get out, made it to town. I guess I got the vodka and was in town heading home. I must have been swerving and someone called the police. I was taken to the police station and I guess refused the breathalyzer. At midnight I called the only numbers that I could remember to come and get me. My parents are in Florida so I guess my uncle came and got me. My vehicle was impounded. My aunt and uncle went to get it Sunday. Mud everywhere from going in the ditch. I had lost my phone but found it in my vehicle.

I contacted a family friend who is a lawyer that specializes in dui's. I got a good talking too. He kept saying "you get yourself right, I will deal with this". At this point he is going to pull all of my hospital records, the medication that I was on, Police reports, video's etc. He said it is a good thing that it happened in my home county as everyone (Prosecuter, judge) knows me and my family. We live in a small town. He said he is going to request a stay, which would get me my license back at least for work. Plead not guilty and request a jury trial. He said it won't get that far and that a deal would most likely be worked out. I really have no idea what I am looking at.

I just started a new job with a REALLY good international company that would require travel internationally. If charged with DUI I would lose this job that I am really excited about. My family and friends although pi##ed are not suprised that this didn't happen sooner as I have driven many times buzzed. They have been as supportive as they can be. Not to justify anything, but I don't remember anything. Not being in the basement cleaning, not getting in my SUV, NOTHING. Alcohol by itself does not do that to me, so I know it was the medication combined with the alcohol. Ironically I don't do well on any medication but I can down alcohol like crazy.

I am 51 years old, a professional in my industry, the mother to 2 very successful kids in college. My aunt and uncle who are very religious have been sending me scriptures, praying with and for me which I appreciate. I am shaky, spacy, I go from sobbing to trying to pull any good from this. The only good that I can see is that this HAS to be my rock bottom. I had a dr's appt Monday and she told me that due to the seizures that I have been having when detoxing and ending up in the hospital that I may not wake up from the next one. I was staying @ my aunt and uncles last week before they called the squad. He said I was stiff as a board and essentially paralyzed. They couldn't move, bend or wake me up. My jaw had clamped down so hard that I bit off a chunk of my tongue and there was blood everywhere so they had no choice but to call the squad.

Right now I am back home with my uncle and aunt running me to appointments. This is not their job. I am leaning heavily on scripture, which helps a bit. I am shaking like a leaf due to fear, anxiety and most likely coming off of meds and alcohol. I haven't drank since the night I was picked up. I don't know what I am asking by posting here. I know I deserve it, but I just really can't take a beating right now. I don't deserve coddeling either. I am terrified and just looking for someone to be there. I am a binge drinker. I think/thought I was bigger than alcohol. I thought just one more time. Nobody will know. Well, now they do. I am terrified that work will find out. This is a great job and I work from home, but international travel is required which includes rental cars.

Any advice or insight or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I have been at this long enough and this HAS to be the end of the road. I have been to rehab. Did fine for a while and then "just one more time". Which leads to weeks at a time and seizures. Thank you so much for reading.

I will also add that I am so glad no one was injured, killed and no accident. This could have been MUCH worse.

advbike

Binge drinking and blackouts are frightening, and an event like this is a wake up call that you can use to make the positive change you need to, and quit for good. I am glad you see that and are committed.

Frankly, I would be on my knees thanking God that you did not hurt or kill someone, including yourself. Let that immense gratitude propel you forward to make the changes that you need to - the consequences could have been so much worse. Jobs are a dime a dozen compared to a life lost, which could easily have happened. There are others here who have been through a similar situation and they were able to quit permanently because of their experience.

I would suggest reading and posting daily, and joining the March class. AA would also be a very good idea, and proof to the judge that you are being proactive.

Glad you posted and wishing you the best in your permanent recovery.

Surrendered19

I wish I knew what your definitions for "taking a beating" and "coddling" are behappy1, but fortunately with typical definitions for that phrase and that word, there is a wide space in between those. So here goes.

Is it time for another honest open-minded serious go at in-patient rehab? I think you might be in a different frame of mind right now than you were the previous time you attended rehab. That really sounds like an excellent option for you. Your health is deteriorating rapidly, you are in legal trouble, you have an attorney that is going to try to do the best he can to throw shade on the DWI (not so sure that is such a good idea for your future), and you seem to be presently unable to live independently.

It seems you are in a place where your life is at stake, and I don't think scriptures or your Aunt and Uncle are going to do a damn thing to slow your rate of descent. Health professionals and an in-patient setting seem to be one route to recovery that you should give serious consideration to.

I really hope you can stop drinking in-patient, out-patient or on your own with support. Support from people who know what they are talking about. I think the person that can lick this thing alone is a rare bird indeed. Can you get to an AA meeting(s)? 90 meetings in 90 days if you are not back in rehab? I think you need LOTS of in-person human contact and support in the next few months and the good folks at AA can give you that.

I really hope you stay here on SR and let us know how things are going. It feels so awful to be where you are at, but you can leave all that behind for good.

fishkiller

There can never be "just one more time"
We must Never Drink Again
NO MATTER WHAT

There are many ways to do it.
Coming here is a great start

I wish you the best

Behappy1

Inpatient is not an option for me due to work and insurance. If they find out, I am toast and this is a REALLY good job. I am starting tonight to work with a therapist who is clear across the country via zoom. I cannot get to AA meetings in person due to no license. I can do zoom though. I had been doing life recovery meetings (christian based AA) in person and via zoom, but not consistant. I live in the middle of nowhere so transportation is the main thing for me right now.

When I was in rehab I was a star patient, I really did well. To the point that they wanted me to get my credentials to work in the addiction field. It's when I am home alone. I don't go to bars or drink publically. I can be around others who drink and I only drink water. When I drink it's at home. Alone. Isolation is a big thing that I do and that is NOT a good thing for me. At all.

Surrendered19

Got it Behappy. Work every angle you can my friend, ok? Get on and stay on SR and get some great support here. Get on the Christian based AA meetings online every darn day. You can work with what you have. I'm really rooting for you. Make decisions every day about your recovery.

RAL

I honestly think you need professional help. As a pp said your aunt and uncle though well meaning and supportive can only do so much.

I'm assuming you are in the USA as in the UK it's an automatic 12 month ban minimum for a first DUI. I think the US system is crazy how people can get away with keeping their license when they have been caught drinking. That's not a judgment on you btw-I have a conviction myself so totally understand your situation. I've also done it many times and not been caught. As a pp said, the most important thing is you didn't kill or injure anyone else. Next time you might. Then jail then you'd lose your job anyway. I get the not remembering. And the saying I'll never drink and drive again. Until I drank again and did drive. And I still can't remmeber it. If we keep drinking there will always be a next time.

Seriously though, losing your license and your job are minimal issues here. It is your life at stake - getting hospitalized with alcohol induced seizures is really serious. To then be released and start drinking again surely shows you just how serious this is and how you need inpatient. It's to save your life. We don't get infinite chances at life. It only needs one last time for the drink to kill us

Maybe join the March class on here

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation, BeHappy and I imagine you are feeling overwhelmed at this time. I hope that you focus intently on your recovery and make it your priority. Denial is a huge part of alcoholism, and at this point, it seems that you are most concerned about your job and your driver's licence. I hope that's not the case. The seizures you are having sound very serious. And, if you're lucky enough to get through this DUI without much fallout, that won't be the case if you have a second DUI. The meetings with your therapist are a good idea and I hope they help. You can likely find AA meetings online if you want to. And, SR is always open and full of supportive people.

Behappy1

Maybe join the March class on here

I did join the class. I know that I am very lucky that it was not much worse. I could have killed someone and I know that. Religion is a tool for me. I will do a zoom meeting every day. Lots of reading, intense counseling as well. I know so much about addiction and what it does in your brain. The last seizure apparantly had me pretty much paralyzed for at least 25 minutes. They could not bend me as my whole body was seized up. My tongue has a chunk out of it from my jaw clamping down. I don't remember much from the hospital because they had me on such high doses of medication. I knew I wasn't ok in there and started refusing the medication. They ended up putting it through my iv. I really hate myself right now. There is no one that can beat me up more than I am beating myself up right now. No one.

fishkiller

Eventually we have to let the guilt shame and regret go. What's done is done
Focus on getting better.

Wastinglife

I had a DUI in 2005. First and last one. I got busted because I drove out of a pub parking lot and then didn't use my blinker to indicate a left turn at the next traffic light. Was only 2 traffic lights and a couple turns from home. Could have walked home in 15 minutes.

I blew 0.15 which is pretty much twice the legal limit. There was no recourse for me. I was drunk and I shouldn't have been driving. 3 different breath samples taken over 2 hours prove it beyond a reasonable doubt.

If you go to trial, you are taking a risk. You can't argue you weren't drunk or impaired because you obviously were. I didn't cause an accident or swerve or drive in a ditch yet I still got a one year suspension. A judge cannot treat you any differently just because he/she knows who your family are. My father was a very high profile government official known by the courts and law enforcement very well. That had no bearing on my case at all.

Surrendered19

"I know so much about addiction and what it does in your brain. The last seizure apparently had me pretty much paralyzed for at least 25 minutes."

That pretty much sums up addiction doesn't it? We know what we need to know, yet we are powerless when we drink. We can know it all and still die. We have to stop.

Free2bme888

The book Alcohol Explained is very good, can get on Amazon immediately.

I get the drinking alone, it’s hard to get away from ourselves, and we drank because of everything, doing anything.

Glad you have the support of religion, and I think it does help people, especially in realizing gratitude for what we have.

Im sure the facilities have well documented that they taught you the dangers of taking the meds and continuing drinking. I’m not sure blaming the meds is going to fly in court, but changing your ways will 🤓.

Im very grateful you have a great job, have supportive family, and didn’t hurt yourself or someone else.

Many good responses here, hope you heed them and realize you MUST STOP. Quit the one thing, and keep everything else, or keep the one thing, and lose everything else.

Drinking alcohol is a choice, and so is choosing life.

We control our hands, feet, arms, legs and mouth. No one else.

Big hugs, and welcome back to SR.

Behappy1

I just wished I would have posted here long ago. I read daily, but haven't posted in a long time. Thank you all for your input. I feel very alone right now.

Anna

BeHappy, you are definitely not alone. We're here for you.

JADIII

Hi, read you’re whole entry. If it makes you feel any better I have 2 DUIs and it really didn’t affect my job and I’m on the road. Granted my second one was a tough year but with help I made it through. You can use Uber etc when you’re oversees also. I just started a new job about 3 months ago and they didn’t even run a background check. Also if you have one DUI many states let you do a first time offender that keeps it off your records and gives you a work permit for work only. I’m not taking anything away from what happened but I know that sitting there feeling bad isn’t a great feeling so figured I’d chip in my 2 cents.

Dee74

Some great advice here behappy

Do the utmost that you are prepared to do.

Sounds like you’ve had a lot of warnings from a higher power this last few weeks.
You are literally fighting for your life. Prioritise accordingly, ok?

D

jryan19982

Man of all the times I drove drunk I am really surprised I never got a DUI. My friend did one night and for whatever reason i was not out drinking which at the time was very surprising. He got pulled over while racing which he and I did quite often driving home. Just one of those things were he was unlucky while i was lucky. The way i drove, especially when drinking, I certainly deserved more than 1 DUI. I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope it is the start of your recovery. I have (had) a friend who was killed riding with someone who had been drinking. Everyone in the car died and that didn't stop me from drinking and driving a day later. Anyways, I wish the best for you in your recovery while you navigate these tough times. Stay active in your recovery.

RecklessDrunk

I plead guilty to felony drug possession but I was fortunate enough to plead out of dwi. Long story short I had a stop on the way home from getting my drugs and of course took the time to sample it. By the time I was actually pulled over and hauled in and that whole circus I actually blew just under. They charged me with dwi anyway.

I had been drinking for 27 years and up to that point never thought a life without it possible. I was a nervous wreck wondering what would happen to my career, how will i make a living? What about this? What about that? I was just so out of answers. I guess its almost like, maybe just nutty kids like me, but sometimes I would get so angry that I would just fall asleep as a child. It was like I had no where to go but to turn it over to God. Like all that worry suddenly hit a wall. I no longer had the illusion of control over my life and was ready to just deal with whatever came. Sure I had the control to get up and go to work, eat right, go to the gym etc but the end results, no. I could only do my best and then its up to God. I realized that up to that point God had always provided for me. In strange ways sometimes but I've always had food, a place to stay, health. Whatever I truly needed, God has taken care of it. I had/have so many little things to be grateful for even in that awful mess.

My lawyer sent me to AA and I was blown away by it. Even in all that trouble i felt so much come off of my shoulders and found a hope that i hadn't felt since I don't know when.

It might be helpful if you can get out a little. Even if it's only a couple times a week, to AA in person and/or your church. I really think some human contact does us some good. Especially with other alcoholics. Finding a sponsor and working the steps would likely improve your odds. Having a sponsor to talk to everyday in the first 90 made it seem so much easier then I could have imagined.

My employer didn't find out about anything, not that I know of. My state has a deal for non violent, first time felonies that let's you avoid prison and clear your record. I have heard of many cases of people with multiple dwi convictions getting sober and getting good jobs.

Maybe things happen for a reason. At least you were not traveling for work and getting busted while on work travel and having to explain that to them.

Pekelover2

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Please don’t feel alone. We are here for you. I just want to reiterate what others have said. Thank goodness you didn’t hurt anyone else or yourself. You sound like a very empathetic person. And you would’ve been horrified with that type of guilt.
Like you, I am a binge drinker. Nobody knows that I drink. I don’t drink very frequently. I wish I could offer you some better advice but everyone has already given you some excellent points to get onto the right path. I know that when I feel weak I try to post here. I’m sending you a huge hug.