DriGuy

I quit when I was 52, but I wasn't as bad off as you are. I guess rock bottom varies for everyone. It basically means how far down you were when you quit. But it's not an exact point, because no matter where you are, it can be worse. I hope this is your rock bottom, but that can only be determined by what you do next. You know what you need to do, but if you are like me 26 years ago, you may not know how to do it. It won't be like detox, where others are getting you well. From here on, others will only be there to offer instruction. This part is the part you have to do. I did it with others, but they were just people who were there with me offering advice and inspiration. I did the heavy lifting, and you must do that too.

Recovery, especially the first year may not be easy, but the rewards can be beyond your imagination, unless you expect eternal bliss. In either case, it will be better than you think. I hope you get this, but it's on you. I started to feel better soon after I could manage my cravings when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Look for that light, even when you are having a bad day, that light is there and it helped tremendously to know that.

Zebra1275

The only good that I can see is that this HAS to be my rock bottom.

If you never, ever drink again, then it probably is.

But I have met many people in AA who's rock bottom was many levels lower than yours. Have you ever tried an AA meeting?

Behappy1

I have been to many AA meetings, rehab as well. I think my issue has alot to do with ego. I am a female who works in a male profession. I have had to work hard to earn respect professionally. I can drive any heavy equipment, have a cdl to drive semi's etc. There is nothing that I can think of that I set my mind to that I haven't been able to achieve. Except alcohol. I have for the last several years thought that I was bigger than that. That I could quit whenever I chose. I can/could for a while. A few weeks, a few months but never for good. I don't mean to sound cocky with this post, but I hope it helps someone or maybe someone else could relate.

I am back to work (I work from home for the most part). I am still shaky, my mind is racing and I find it hard to focus and calm down. This new company is very excited that I am on board, I am terrified that they will find out. My hands are shaking so bad that I find it hard to even type this! I know it's from anxiety, withdrawal from alcohol and the meds they had me on at the hospital. In reality, I shouldn't have been let out of the hospital as soon as I was. I don't remember much about the hospital or being let out. In reality I would have probably drank no matter when they let me out. So now, I am trying to pick up the pieces and hit my recovery hard. This HAS to be the end. As severe as my seizures were, I may not have another chance. I am very hard headed and stubborn and thought I could tackle alcohol alone. I cannot. Thank you for reading.

Mizz

You are going to be okay. Better than okay.
I am sorry for what has brought you here and I know its painful. Forward motion. Look forward to your future, no matter what your future looks like. We can only do what is in front of us at this moment.

When I quit drinking, I did everything in my power to ensure I stayed away from alcohol and I reimagined what my life and my time looked like. Initially, I went to AA. I also developed a structured plan that I stick to every day. There was no room for alcohol and no room for a relapse. You will get sober and recover. You will get this behind you and you will find that this may be the best thing to take place. Its hard and its embarrassing. Its all the things we dont want to feel and all the things that we dont want to go through. We can do hard things. You are not alone. The community that lives here is quite powerful. Stay close.

Im glad you are here.

Anna

I'm glad you know that it's time to stop drinking. I also thought I could stop drinking when I wanted to. Of course, when that time came, I couldn't stop. I think it's part of the denial that is involved in alcoholism. I think when you decide that drinking is no longer an option, ever, your mind will adapt and begin working in healthier ways as you deal with life.

DriGuy

Fixing your drinking is not quite the same as being able to accomplish anything you set your mind to, as in the case of competing in a male dominated work place. Yes, you can do it if you set your mind to it, but the path to recovery takes a little different approach, and competition has nothing to do with it.

I had to learn how to do some things that were foreign to my nature, and a big one was learning to accept my failure as a drinker, and learning that there was at least one part of my life that I could never master in a million years. I could never drink like a normal person (or one of the guys), and eventually I had to embrace being the guy that never takes another drink in any situation or on any special occasion. My drinking life was a failure, but I don't regret than anymore. I now have something much better. And I love myself for that one thing, because I'm really good at it.

Surrendered19

It is good to come to terms with the certainty that addiction doesn't discriminate Behappy. It waits patiently, approaches by stealth and finally claims the tough, the weak, kings, queens, geniuses, morons, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers.

JADIII

Any updates on the DUI?

tornrealization

This is spot on.

I am a female in a male dominated industry and I absolutely experience and am still experiencing the good fight. That’s a whole other can of worms we could talk hours about, but we are talking about drinking.

I’ve been sober 3+ years and I feel it’s really cleared my head and boosted my confidence in ways I didn’t imagine. I knew I wasn’t at my full potential even though I was doing good work comparatively.

As driguy said, it’s a different mindset. I was fighting for myself. I had to Accept that drinking is not on the table. I accepted the fact that I can’t drink was not some sort of personal moral failing.

Behappy1

No, I actually sent an email to my attorney over the weekend. It was a to the point email with bullet points outlining some of the facts. Memory loss is NOT an out or an excuse but I simply do not remember. Due to the strong medication the hospital had me on and the stupidity of adding alcohol to it. I must have had alcohol stashed at home. Started drinking when I got home from the hospital, went to get more and then the dui.

I have done ALOT of self reflection, counseling and at least 1 or more AA or life recovery meetings. ALOT of praying. I am so very thankful that this was not worse because it could have been. Someone could have been hurt or killed. I still am grateful for 2 things. Firstly that no one was hurt or killed. Secondly that I honestly don't know that I would have stopped permanently on my own. I think it would have continued to be sober for a while, drinking for a while, sober for a while, drinking for a while.

I am terrified about my job. Lots of tears, but also lots of hope. I am hitting this beast from every angle that I can. Through medication (vivitrol Monday at least to jump start sobriety for a while) counseling, meetings, prayer and trying not to isolate. Thank you for asking. I do feel very alone and scared.

Behappy1

I have thought ALOT about this and posted in another thread about this. I am not use to failing. In a way I do/did feel like a failure because I can't/couldn't conquer alcohol by myself. But as was said before, I need to step out of the ring. This is a fight that I can't win by engaging. I need to quit poking the bear and engaging in a fight. I need to just let it be and nurse myself back to health and walk away.

samwitch

By stepping away, you win.

I see a lot of myself in you-I too am in a extremely male dominated industry that I've been very successful in. But I used alcohol as a means to keep up with the "boys" and also to mask my beliefs that I wasn't good enough, success or not. Only for the grace of God I've not ended up in your situation, I certainly could have.
I am sure you will get this sorted, and once you do, you will really see the madness that alcohol brings to us.

Behappy1

I am still very "fuzzy" in thinking, still shaky. It's been 8 days since I've taken any medication (I stopped that on my own and didn't finish the taper). 8 days since I've drank. Not alot of time I know, but I have been trying to eat healthy, drink a ton of h20 and hot tea. I have been trying to move a lot as well as taking it easy. I know it will take a while for my body to heal but I am so thankful that I am being as proactive as I can be to help it along. Looking back I do see the madness. All at my own hands. All because I put a stupid bottle to my mouth. Thanks for reading. This is a very lonely road!

Surrendered19

8 days is amazing Behappy!!! That is a great start to build a healthy life on. I know you are anxious about your health and your job but I think we can agree that to the extent those situations are salvageable, they are salvageable only sober with a calm and clear mind.

Hawkeye13

Just do the next right thing each day, each moment.

Success will follow that.

You have week 1, and are headed for week 2.

You are reflecting and working to grow from this event. That’s what it takes to build a foundation in recovery, not just not drinking.

You can do it.

advbike

You have really stepped up to this challenge, Behappy. You are pretty much through the physical withdrawal, and will slowly feel better physically, as your body heals. Generally this time is when the AV starts to come calling, so just be on alert for that. Use the seriousness of the situation to reject any thoughts of drinking or using immediately. Keep reading and posting and learning and fighting for yourself - and you will make it through this.

Life will be so much better on the other side!

Jillian2563

A job will always be there. Your life may not though if you continue to do what you’re doing. There is a risk at losing your job if you don’t get help now.

There are other options available for transportation for AA. It sounds like your family is supportive and I’m sure you could find a ride.

At the risk of sounding cliche, Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I hope you can find sobriety before something even more terrible happens. I wish you the best.

zoobadger

Nobody is strong enough to control their drinking if they're an alcoholic. Nobody.

The real strength is admitting that you're powerless over alcohol. Surrender takes strength.

anxiousrock

Sorry to hear this. As a binge drinker I understand the blackouts all too well. Do they go easy on you for first offense? I have no idea how that works.
all I know is that if I had a car, this could easily be me. Blackouts anything can happen. Only thing you can do is not drink.

Behappy1

That is the plan. I am hitting this as hard as I can! Meetings, counseling, church, leaning on my support system and LOTS of prayers. This is a very lonely road and I've realized that surrender is my only option . I cannot fight this fight anymore. My only option is to walk away. Far away. Thanks for reading.