Jillian2563

Thanks for the reminder that I never want to be that person again. Before I got scared that I was going to go to jail, I’d drink a six pack of tall boys and head back to the store with scrounged up change for “one more”, usually another 24 oz beer. Every damn day. And the clerk knew for sure. Back then, I was working in an office, and I’d stop for that 6 pack and drink the first one on the way home. I never drank in the morning but I’m pretty sure my coworkers knew what was up. I was perpetually late, and called in lots of times.

When my husband and I started our business, I was relieved to know that I had more options to buy (more opportunities to rotate stores or buy more at once cause we were making more money) and drink whenever I wanted - I did stop drinking and driving though.

But as we all know, after 5-6 years of doing that, I finally hit my breaking point. And I’m so grateful I did.

MythOfSisyphus

Yep, I can identify with this all too well! I also used to spread my purchases around different stores. Or sometimes I'd buy other items I didn't really need to disguise that I was really just there for booze. It's really hilarious in retrospect but it probably didn't fool anyone and also because I don't think I ever saw any of the cashiers outside of their work. Funny that I cared more about the opinion of some random cashier than my own family that had to deal with my drinking.

BackandScared

You seem such an interesting, creative person. Even in your drinking you found something beautiful/different to cover up. I liked crafted beers when I was in my twenties and drank about 2 in a 'busy' weekend. Once I was drinking everyday alone, I could not care less. I stopped caring about everything. What kept my secret so secret was my discipline. I continued to cook, go to work, look after children, etc. I passed out every night and nobody noticed because I was still 'operating'. But I was empty inside.

I find it mesmerising how we keep strong traits of ourselves in our addiction. You are clearly someone curious & social who stayed curious and engaged with others (even if they were just the person at local store and dealer) throughout. A bit off topic I know.

BackandScared

The buying other items too... despite worrying about the money I was already wasting on alcohol. The crazyness of it all; the suffering..

dustyfox

Myth of S you just reminded me how many, many 'bunches of flowers' or ' boxes of chocolates' I used to buy so it looked as if I was going over to someone's house for dinner with a bottle ( or two) and some flowers. I would even ask ever so sweetly of they could take the price off the flowers - just to make my stupid play acting more convincing
- I would toss the chocolates in the bin - was only interested in the wine/ beer/ brandy/ etc

In my twenties and thirties I didn't give a **** or have the money for this idiocy and just bought the stuff - who wastes money on flowers when it would be another bottle of wine.....
It does seem so very ridiculous now!!

DriGuy

I agree with Hodd. I'd add that while we are "trained" not to judge others, we do it all the time and all day long. It's part of how we communicate. Judging is not good or bad. It can be both or neither. And since it's part of our system of communication, it is flawed. But like the other parts of social interaction, we don't stop doing it, and we shouldn't, because while all forms of interaction, body language, verbal language, judging, and understanding are also flawed, we find it necessary to socially interact. The problem comes in judging unfairly, But the MUCH BIGGER problem is acting unfairly because of poor judgement.

After I was about a year sober, I kept running into a colleague from work at the video rental store. He was a guy I liked and who was good at his job. But every time I ran into him after 7:00 PM or so, he was smelling strongly of alcohol and trying to keep a safe distance. He was still the same likeable person, he was just always drinking in the evening. I had no idea before that he was a consistent drinker. I made a judgement, and I felt sorry for him, because I was just like that once, but I had no idea if he felt sorry for himself, how long he had been this way, or where he was headed, so I did nothing. Did he need or want help? I don't know. Did I make a mistake in NOT saying anything? I don't know.

When I was drunk and meeting people in public, I was aware that I was being judged, even if no one told me to bugger off. I didn't like being judged because I didn't want people to know I was a drunk. Maybe my colleague was like that. I don't know, but I "judged" that he was at unease. Maybe I was wrong.

Hodd

^ I’ll admit I’m often wrong when judging people, but I don’t see why it’s issue. If I see a larger person buying a 12 pack of beer, me and the other 50 people in the shop will assume they’re for him. If it turns out he’s teetotal and buying it for a charity event, I’ve done no harm. It’s not as if I’ve ran after him and confiscated his beers and saying he’ll thank me later. We all judge others. As long as we’re not hurtful, it’s fine.

I was at a parkrun event once, and a lady was running with a large balloon with “50” printed on it. I shouted a cheery “happy birthday!” The lady turned round. She wasn’t even 30. She explained it was her 50th parkrun. Now, that was hurtful

dustyfox

We do judge, I agree , and it is, as Driguy said, in itself neither good not bad. I guess it's part of a survival strategy -do we trust someone, do they 'look' trustworthy - it's how we form relationships. -
Should we reach out to those who seem to be struggling, like the guy in the video rental store, or the woman in the shop? I don't know - sometimes wish I had a card with the web address of SR and maybe a word or two of encouragements that I could slip into someone's hand - maybe that would be better than a conversation - then the decision would be theirs -to accept help or not.

Hodd

My wife tells me off all the time for making comments. Then she does exactly the same thing We all do it.

I’m going to say no, dusty. If it’s an acquaintance, colleague or friend, absolutely try. But approaching a stranger is unlikely to be successful. Saddens me to say that. If we saw someone just about to pass out, we’d run across and help them, but trying to convince a stranger not to drink, sadly not. But I’m not that great a speaker nor charismatic. If someone had that gift of the gab, great.

dustyfox

Agree Hodd and I know better than to try and recue every alcoholic I see -I need to concentrate on myself - no one could have rescued me or persuaded me not to drink - I have a tendency to want to rescue - it's probably very annoying -but there we go that's just me. When all is said and done, we are all ultimately responsible for ourselves - however it's nice to have encouragement now and again, it makes us feel cared for, which in turn makes us feel good and valued.

jryan19982

When I started judging other people I found myself closer and closer to slipping and finally I did. I guess do what works for you but i have learned that my judgements are often wrong and do ME more harm than good.

Hodd

^^ Nothing wrong with being kind hearted, dusty 👍

RAL

There is a difference between judgement and empathy I think. I can relate and see myself in other people buying booze. I am not judging but can empathize with them

Hodd

^ I had a reflective moment whilst driving yesterday. It sounds odd, but I really really feel sorry for the old me. I should be thankful that my life restarted at 49, and I was trying to think of anything good or worthwhile I’d done in the ten years before. Not a thing. No new friends made, etc. It’s best not to dwell on the past. Those people are living that empty life now. They deserve empathy, but I’m not sure what can be done to help. Even on this nice site, people need to have made the first step and realise there’s more to life.

DriGuy

We may want to help, but we never know if the person wants it or not. We could judge that every person with alcohol breath wants and needs help and jump in with both feet, but even with people we know, it's hard to know what the appropriate action should be, especially so with such sensitive topics that most alcoholics don't want to hear about. Helping another alcoholic can earn you a person's gratitude or a metaphorical slap in the face, and I have experienced both. Remembering my own situation, no one could have helped me, until I was ready.

dustyfox

Hodd you made me think - Did I do anything good or worthwhile in the years I was drinking - I did lots of good stuff in my career, in my friendships - in my studies - in my case, and this is just speaking personally - there was only one thing I harmed, bit by bit -and that was myself - I have never been a dweller in the past - but I do reflect and think how awful I was to myself.

Hodd

Sounds like you were still fairly productive during the bad times, dusty 👍

Now you mention it, I did learn German as I was living there although I pretty much wasted my years there. The problem is I now like me 🤣 I’m pretty chilled and am reasonably interesting as a person I guess. I just wish I’d been like this for the ten years before. Saying that, it makes me appreciate my life now. The sport I do (badly) at 52 will be very very hard indeed at 62. Sport is a big big analogy for life in general. It really is now or never.

PhoenixJ

oh my, there but for the grace of god, go I.
I would count the early hours waiting for the booze shop to open up.
I lost everything, including my life for a short time.
Such sadness caused.
BUT sober 6+ years, and I was on 4L wine a day then.
Very grateful to at last be living a life.

Hodd

That’s an amazing turnaround, Phoenix. Well done!

I wasn’t well received on another (lesser) forum
as I’d “only” drank a bottle of wine a day. I can imagine quitting from higher amounts is quite a battle

PhoenixJ

The SR site has been part of my sober journey for most of it's young life.