What makes an addiction?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 11
What makes an addiction?
This is something I struggle with. "oh I barely do it. I'm fine, it's not an addiction." But then I remind myself, it doesn't matter whether I have one joint a day, 5 joints or 100. What matters is that you "want" it. You expect it. You can't put it down.
I can smoke 5 joints a day although its typically around 3. Depends how I'm feeling, my tolerance levels. And I drink on weekends. Typically weekends, if I'm feeling down I'll sneak a few drinks during the week. I've even brought it to work. When I drink on weekends my usual is half a liter of cooler. When I'm feeling down it can be the whole liter.
(Vent-- Just the other day my "husband" tried to tell me a liter isn't that much, and then did math saying it's only a couple beer. He would only speak in general even after me saying "we're talking about me". And he tried to justify a liter by saying people drink pitchers of beer. Yeah, shared among others or maybe they have a problem too. He annoys me so much!)
There are moments where I'm in denial. It's not that much. It's not that bad. It's not like I can't function or go about my day. Addicts have more then this. And there are moments, like now, that I think it's not about the amount. How can I look at myself and honestly say I'm not an addict. I'm always high, I've brought alcohol to work, I'm high right now because I was struggling with a craving, I went off weed for 2 weeks and half that time had nightmares every time I closed my eyes. I'm lying to myself to say I'm not an addict.
Writing this, it made me think I should remind myself everyday that yes, I am an addict, and use it, not as a reminder that I've messed up but so I can recognize the problem and fix it, instead of live in denial about it.
I can smoke 5 joints a day although its typically around 3. Depends how I'm feeling, my tolerance levels. And I drink on weekends. Typically weekends, if I'm feeling down I'll sneak a few drinks during the week. I've even brought it to work. When I drink on weekends my usual is half a liter of cooler. When I'm feeling down it can be the whole liter.
(Vent-- Just the other day my "husband" tried to tell me a liter isn't that much, and then did math saying it's only a couple beer. He would only speak in general even after me saying "we're talking about me". And he tried to justify a liter by saying people drink pitchers of beer. Yeah, shared among others or maybe they have a problem too. He annoys me so much!)
There are moments where I'm in denial. It's not that much. It's not that bad. It's not like I can't function or go about my day. Addicts have more then this. And there are moments, like now, that I think it's not about the amount. How can I look at myself and honestly say I'm not an addict. I'm always high, I've brought alcohol to work, I'm high right now because I was struggling with a craving, I went off weed for 2 weeks and half that time had nightmares every time I closed my eyes. I'm lying to myself to say I'm not an addict.
Writing this, it made me think I should remind myself everyday that yes, I am an addict, and use it, not as a reminder that I've messed up but so I can recognize the problem and fix it, instead of live in denial about it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
I think you have a good mindset.
Nightmares were a huge part of early recovery for me, and anxiety when quitting alcohol led me back to drinking often. The nightmares went away for me after a time, though. The anxiety lessened as my body/mind became less and less dependent on the alcohol.
It's hard because when you rip off that bandaid, underneath any addiction is a lot of stuff you need to look at it, wrestle with, learn from, grieve... but that process can't stop until you put it down.
It's hard stuff, but so worth doing.
Nightmares were a huge part of early recovery for me, and anxiety when quitting alcohol led me back to drinking often. The nightmares went away for me after a time, though. The anxiety lessened as my body/mind became less and less dependent on the alcohol.
It's hard because when you rip off that bandaid, underneath any addiction is a lot of stuff you need to look at it, wrestle with, learn from, grieve... but that process can't stop until you put it down.
It's hard stuff, but so worth doing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Yeah it was difficult for me to accept I was addicted to pot and to alcohol but both of them impacted my life and/or myself in a negative way.
I've heard it said, addiction is an anchor. Recovery is growing wings.
It's very true.
D
I've heard it said, addiction is an anchor. Recovery is growing wings.
It's very true.
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Hi Faun. That was a great post - you're very self aware, & that will help. I'm glad you're taking a hard look at what's going on.
I justified my 'social' drinking for so many years that I eventually grew dependent on it. It started out being weekends only. Over the years my tolerance grew until I was drinking all day - with a ruined life. It seems so obvious now, but I just couldn't make myself take action.
It's good to have you here.
You can get free.
I justified my 'social' drinking for so many years that I eventually grew dependent on it. It started out being weekends only. Over the years my tolerance grew until I was drinking all day - with a ruined life. It seems so obvious now, but I just couldn't make myself take action.
It's good to have you here.
You can get free.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
Hi Faun and Welcome,
Denial is a huge part of addiction. I knew I was drinking too much but I convinced myself that I could stop drinking anytime I wanted to, I just wasn't ready to stop yet. Of course, when I did decide that I was ready to stop, I couldn't. I'm glad you found us.
Denial is a huge part of addiction. I knew I was drinking too much but I convinced myself that I could stop drinking anytime I wanted to, I just wasn't ready to stop yet. Of course, when I did decide that I was ready to stop, I couldn't. I'm glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Great post.
It's the ambivalence that characterizes addiction, I'm learning.. Wanting it but not wanting it, because we know it's bad for us. Always torn over it. Should I have some or not? I'm quitting for good this time.. until I use again. Always conflicted. Always giving in. Not keeping our word to ourselves. Shame.
It's SO MUCH EASIER to just let it go for good.
Stick around and read and post more.. you can do it if you want.
It's the ambivalence that characterizes addiction, I'm learning.. Wanting it but not wanting it, because we know it's bad for us. Always torn over it. Should I have some or not? I'm quitting for good this time.. until I use again. Always conflicted. Always giving in. Not keeping our word to ourselves. Shame.
It's SO MUCH EASIER to just let it go for good.
Stick around and read and post more.. you can do it if you want.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
I realised I was addicted when I became convinced that regardless of how I planned to control it, I always ended up at the same place (out of control).
For me it was super liberating to admit that I was addicted. It allowed me to rule out substance use altogether - I.e. debate is pointless, it’s a no go zone.
I hope it does the same to you!
For me it was super liberating to admit that I was addicted. It allowed me to rule out substance use altogether - I.e. debate is pointless, it’s a no go zone.
I hope it does the same to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
The internal conflict you are describing so well is intrinsic to addiction: the contradiction between what you want to do and what you do. The compulsion to do something that you know you will regret long-term but you still go ahead with. This can be done with almost anything: exercise, gambling, food, shopping,
And then, there are substances that make you addicted physically: it is not only the addicted brain acquiring habits and acting against its best judgment. It is your whole body going through physical abstinence complicating things further.
And then, there are substances that make you addicted physically: it is not only the addicted brain acquiring habits and acting against its best judgment. It is your whole body going through physical abstinence complicating things further.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Faun and welcome to SR. Really good to have you here.
I think a good rule of thumb on deciding what label to put on our drinking or weed use is to have the same conversation about something healthy. Do you ever think that you might be eating too many green leafy vegetables? Or that 8 hours of restful sleep just is NOT good for you? Or that exercising is making you breath hard and perspire so it MUST be problematic?
No, of course we don't have those thoughts about things in our life that are healthy and restorative. And many people have those same relationships with alcohol and weed. I'll never understand them, but they can have a glass of wine, leave half in the glass, and don't need anymore.
But big big questions are coming up in your head about your relationship with weed and alcohol. And I think that is all you really need to know, labels be darned.
Unfortunately for most of us, once uses of those things have become problematic, there is a line that we've crossed that can never be un-crossed, that make it impossible to ever moderate those activities again.
So I'm not sure what label you want to put on it, but at some point weed and booze started harming you and causing problems. I think you should consider stopping both and see what that feels like. I think you'll eventually like it.
I think a good rule of thumb on deciding what label to put on our drinking or weed use is to have the same conversation about something healthy. Do you ever think that you might be eating too many green leafy vegetables? Or that 8 hours of restful sleep just is NOT good for you? Or that exercising is making you breath hard and perspire so it MUST be problematic?
No, of course we don't have those thoughts about things in our life that are healthy and restorative. And many people have those same relationships with alcohol and weed. I'll never understand them, but they can have a glass of wine, leave half in the glass, and don't need anymore.
But big big questions are coming up in your head about your relationship with weed and alcohol. And I think that is all you really need to know, labels be darned.
Unfortunately for most of us, once uses of those things have become problematic, there is a line that we've crossed that can never be un-crossed, that make it impossible to ever moderate those activities again.
So I'm not sure what label you want to put on it, but at some point weed and booze started harming you and causing problems. I think you should consider stopping both and see what that feels like. I think you'll eventually like it.
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